What would you do? LONG

kimberlykh · March 2012

OK. I think I've decided what I'm going to do, but to torture myself and not let it go, I am going to ask what fellow May Knotties would do. Maybe there is something I'm not thinking of that can confirm my decision. This has been the toughest decision I've had to make this far, in terms of the guest list.
My FI and I decided early on that we would not have children at our wedding besides those in our WP (which is our 9 nieces and nephews). We are older (33 and 41) and literally 90% of our guest list have children. If we included them all, it would have sent our numbers sky rocketing. There's been a bit of drama with it, namely my stepmom is very mad at me for not inviting her grandchildren.
Anyway, the invites are out and some people have declined because they can't bring their kids (it is OOT for most of our family and friends). More commonly, a lot of my married girlfriends are coming sans their husbands and children for the weekend trip to Atlanta.
Well, one of my cousins who lives in NY RSVPed 'yes' this week for her and her husband and wrote in her foster's daughter's name. (The child is 2). I wrote her an email apologizing and explaining that we cannot invite kids. I told her I'd happily help her find a babysitter (my sisters live here so they can recommend someone). Well, she wrote back today and said that because the child is technically a ward of the state, she cannot just leave her with a babysitter. So, she would have to leave her husband and child at the hotel and come without them. She went on to say, it is not what she wants to do, but will respect my wishes.
With those special circumstances would you allow the child to come?
My first thought was no, but my sister got my rethinking the issue. She thinks I should let her because of the special circumstances and because she is traveling to Atlanta from New York for my wedding. But, I feel like our friends and family who are leaving their kids behind would be really upset if they get there and see another kid there. How are they to know the reasons? (My sister thinks that because the child is a different race than us it will be obvious that she is a foster child, but I don't think it is so obvious. Lots of people have biracial kids or have fully adopted a child of a different race).
What would you do?

bpphoto785 · March 2012

I would stick to your guns. You're right, when other peoples kids weren't invited they won't understand this special circumstance and get pissed.

Cackle6 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_what-would-you-do-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:8131bd39-0277-4fa4-9c69-a0edfe36dc3aPost:61edb738-02b0-4d9c-badf-d5a16c31fb29">Re: What would you do? LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]I would stick to your guns. You're right, when other peoples kids weren't invited they won't understand this special circumstance and get pissed.
Posted by bpphoto785[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this. Try as we may, we can't accommodate everyone. </div>

mancila60 · March 2012

I agree. If you invite one you have to invite all no matter the circumstances.

careydes · March 2012

I actually have a similar situation. We decided only family kids, and WP kids were invited. For 99% of the people, it's not a problem. They are excited to leave the kids at home for the night. My friends have foster children (different race, also), but the wedding is only an hour and a half. We actually just had this conversation today. Anyone who watches them (overnight, I think-- at least in CT) has to be licensed, and their home has to pass whatever inspection they do. Luckily, my friends are still in contact with the children's previous foster parents, and other foster parents that they met through their licensing process, so they had a few families to choose from, and they are able to spend the night partying with us

My newest debate is a good friend of mine that I've known since I was 5. She lives in AZ, and just today sent me a fb message asking if kids were invited. I have a feeling it's a dealbreaker for her. She was very cool about it, saying she totally understood if they weren't, since she had no kids at her wedding... but still. I want her there, but... I know it's not right to make exceptions. oy.

Celticrebelgirl · March 2012

See...we did the no kids too but my lil sis is in wedding party so she is obviously allowed...and my 2 friends that ive grown up with so their mom and grandma are basically extended family..are all invited too..and they have a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old that DO NOT have any babysitters available..and I knew this and talked to them about it and the grandma/great grandma going to take the youngones home after dinner...that way their parents can party still and that way once the alcohol starts really flowing the only small kid will be my lil sis....there was just NO way short of not inviting peple who are family to me...but at least we had a compromise...anyone else on our list either already didnt plan on their kids being there...or their my cousins who are bad parents to begin with with so many kids they dont know who baby daddy is etc...and add liquor or beer to that and I refused to have that situtation...so if it pisses them off...so be it...I dont really want them there but HAD to invite them...

So in all honesty..if there just no way she can't bring her..id allow it(especially since she is a foster child) and if anyone complains..its ur wedding not theirs and really..at the end of the night...who's gonna really make a big deal about it???

But thats just my opinion

mandi921vh · March 2012

Stick to your guns! Your family would not be happy if they saw this child at your wedding when you "made a big stink" about children not coming.

We are not having children either besides our RB who is my nephew and his brother, (my sister's step son), had any of our other siblings had children, they would be invited too.

When you make a kid rule for a wedding guest list you have to stick to it, otherwise you will definitely piss someone off. I mean, they are already pissed their kids can't come, imagine how pissed they would be if they saw someone else's kid there?

It's crazy how many people are upset to find their kids are not invited to a wedding, I don't have kids, but when I do and I go to people's weddings I would WANT to leave my kids with a babysitter.

S0095042 · March 2012

unfortitionitly i think you need to draw a hard line here. it's either everyone's kids or no ones kids (except the WP of course). As PPs said, unfor. your note going to please everyone.

AurorasEnvy · March 2012

I agree with PPs, you can't really make an exception here because everyone else will have a different excuse. I'd personally be pissed if I grudgingly left my kids behind with a babysitter, traveled OOT, and then showed up to the wedding and someone else was allowed to bring their kid (non-WP).

I'd just explain it to her like you've had a lot of push back from other guests (whether it is true or not) and you need to be fair to everyone.

dori851 · March 2012

I also agree with PPs. You need to stick to your guns even though it's not an ideal situation. We had a similar issue with my FSIL. We are having a child-free wedding & reception except for our RB which is our son. Other than that, no kids at all. Well, FSIL & FBIL (FI's brother & his wife) have two kids that they keep trying to convince us they should be allowed to bring to the wedding & reception. At first I was tempted to cave, but in the end I held my ground. I explained to her that FI & I had decided from the get-go that we wanted a child-free wedding & we would like to stick with our plans. She told me she'd figure it out, & we let it go from there.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I can understand why you would feel bad & want to make an exception. But, like PPs said, if you make exception for this child, then you'll need to make an exception for other children as well. Good luck!

LOMLBOAT · March 2012

I am also having kids-free wedding and have had some pushback (the only kid is 2, my nephew and is leaving early in the reception). I think someone else said it, but maybe have the husband and child come later in the night? I mean once it starts and there aren't seats, people may not notice the child there. We are kind of doing the opposite. Right after dinner we have a babysitter (SIL's mother who is invited) has agreed to bring my nephew to the hotel if he starts to act up or it's bedtime. That way he's there for a little because he's family, but it doesn't interfere with the reception. Since they are flying with him, maybe they can come for a portion of the dinner and then leave for the dancing or vice versa.

Like PP said, you won't make everyone happy and I'm KNOW people can find anything to complain about, but again, it's your day and if it's important for someone to be there, communicate that with them and hopefully you can find a solution.

GL!!

fluttaby32 · March 2012

I dont know. If she's willing to travel that far, you must be pretty close right? I have a similar situation with my cousins wanting to bring their kids and I was firm and said no. It was too much to accommodate and as far as I know they could easily make other arrangements.
I think if you really want this friend and her husband to be there it would be okay to make ONE exception based on the circumstances. Just my opinion.

mandydc0509 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_what-would-you-do-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:8131bd39-0277-4fa4-9c69-a0edfe36dc3aPost:7480a705-6421-4aa0-9662-e1a959ec5a09">Re: What would you do? LONG</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree. If you invite one you have to invite all no matter the circumstances.
Posted by mancila60[/QUOTE]

I agree, no exceptions.

FutureMrsW9 · March 2012

I have a similar situation. My cousin from TX has 3 little ones under 6, and we are not inviting kids. That said, I let her know that we're not inviting kids and the kids names will not be on the invite, but I don't have a problem with her brining them to the ceremony - and the Maitre D knows to seat them by the further door in case they need to leave for whatever reason. I also mentioned that my 10 year old cousin, who IS invited because he's my 1st cousin, will not be in attendance because my aunt wants to have a good time - so she offered to allow my cousins kids to share her babysitter. Anyway....I think you should be polite and "offer" something to accomodate her if it's important to you for her to be there, but at the end of the stick to your guns and help lead her to the decision that you want her to ultimately make....that's what i'm trying for, too! Also, I don't think other people will care, and if they do they won't say anything to do. My friend had someone bring their kid without telling them and they rolled their eyes at it, but at the end of the day they just enjoyed their day and it didn't matter.

toothpastechica · March 2012

Not sure about the exact regulations where you are, but I am in a kinship care situation (as I've mentioned I have temp custody of my nephew), and I am also in a social work program, but from what I have seen just about every single place has a 'foster parent federation' or support of some sort that can help find qualified respite care, and here, they will not approve you to be a foster parent unless you have already set up respite, and if you cant find respite care yourself, then it becomes the child's caseworker to find appropriate respite care if you give advance notice that you will be unable to watch them for a short period of time. Also, here, you can get friends and neighbors approved, all they need is a criminal record check and an ok from the childs caseworker...so saying that the child is in foster care so she cant leave her with just anyone, while true, is an excuse, because there ARE people who the child can be left with, its just one or 2 easy hoops to jump through. Depending on the child, it might not be in thier best intrest to change caregivers, but that would then become your friends personal choice not to leave her, not state mandated, as there are forms of respite available. I say be firm, you said no kids, foster child or not they are a kid, if she doesnt want to come its because of her choice, not because of any regulation to do with the child (on the contrary taking the child out of the state of residence is probably a lot more paperwork and hoops to jump through then finding respite)

littleshrink · March 2012

Is it possible to have a "sitter" or someone registered at the reception? I know a lot of people do this in order to have parents at the wedding but the kids are still close enough without being there.

classykat22 · March 2012

I honestly think you need to stick with your original plan for no kids at the wedding. Your other guests and family will NOT understand why this person was given special consideration, when they were told flat out no by you when they asked to bring their kids. If you make an exception for one, you have to open the door to all, imo.

We had a friend of FI write in their daughter on the RSVP and FI and I had a very long conversation about what we should do. How I explained it to him was, if you want to say yes to your friend, I will absolutely support you however, YOU will need to find the means to pay for and accommodate the children of ALL of our guests because, to not do that would be rude. When we added up the numbers, there was just no way we could incur that cost increase. So, he had to make the call and tell his friend that only family and WP were bringing kids and surprisingly enough, his friend was very understanding. It's not an easy thing to have to do but, I think you need to be respectful of all of your guests, not just this one.

kimberlykh · March 2012

Thanks ladies for helping me confirm my decision.

What would you do? LONG

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