Roles for good friends who are not bridemaids?

GGFan84 · August 2010

My fiance and I decided to keep our bridal party at 6 attendants on each side. The problem is, I have a friend that I didn't select as a bridesmaid, and I would like to find a role for her that will seem just as good as being a bridesmaid (i.e., not working at the wedding by being a gift attendant or cake-cutter). We used to be good friends and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding 3 years ago, but we have drifted since then and I have friends that I am closer to now. She already assumes that she is a bridesmaid. Has anyone created a good role for a female friend?

roma14 · August 2010

Like others said, if she's still someone you consider a good friend, I would ask her to be a BM and not care about sides being even. I was recently a 'victim' of what I suspect to be even sides when a close friend who was in my wedding didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I know bridesmaids aren't a tit-for-tat thing but it really really hurt my feelings.

GGFan84 · August 2010

Thanks for the advice. To answer everyone's questions, she assumes that she's a bridesmaid just because I was one of hers. And we honestly aren't that close anymore---we went 6 months without talking, so I don't think I'm being "scummy."

mbcdefg · August 2010

So if you're not close, then that's fine to not have her as a BM. I asked about that scenario because you specifically mentioned having 6 per side. That's why I said "if" you are doing it because of that, then that's when it's scummy.

You could ask her to do a reading, or ask her to bring up Communion if it's a Catholic ceremony. Or sing if she's any good. Otherwise, just let her be a guest and have fun.

If she says something about being your bridesmaid, gently say that you've already chosen your BMs and leave it at that. You don't owe her an apology or an explanation, although, "I'm sorry if you misunderstood" is O.K. If she chooses to be mad about that, then that's her own fault for making assumptions.

Otherwise, if she's just hinting around about being a bridesmaid, she will figure it out once the months go by and she's not asked.

banana468 · August 2010

Ditto malphabet. It's only scummy if you were keeping sides event to keep them even and not because you didn't want her there in the first place.

sgessner1228 · August 2010

Wow, I've never been missed like that before

So a "Love Contract"- it's a take on the traditional Ketubah (the marriage contract between a bride and groom in Judaism).

The Ketubah is worded as a legal document where there is no mention of love, or how my FI is my soulmate, etc. We've decided to create (the Rabbi mentioned we can do this) a "love contract" that will highlight why we love each other, mention some inside jokes, and make promises to each other-- think personalized vows but your asking friends and family to show their support through signing the document.

We're really excited because we're creating it as a piece of Artwork to hang up in our home to remind ourselves what we want out of our marriage.

Just because it is an offshoot of a Jewish custom, doesn't mean it should not be open for others to use it. It's been gaining traction in interfaith ceremonies as well as others.

We see it as a beautiful way to honor those around us, without asking them to formally be a part of a bridal party. This allows those who otherwise couldn't afford it (or want to deal with the hassel of being in a bridal party) to be reminded that they are a special part of our lives.

sgessner1228 · August 2010

On a side note- FI and I decided to not have a bridal party because of the risk of too many hurt feelings. We're both 1 of 4 children,and counting close friends and family our bridal party would be like 20 people!

bablingbrooke · August 2010

Oh, like the one in Chelsea Clinton's wedding last weekend. I was thinking of something totally different (and not actually a love contract, if you watch "The Office).

mraesmith · August 2010

You really think its bad to cut someone out of the wedding because you want to keep the sides even? My fiance only has 3 people to go on his side and I have about 6 people I'd want. But he'd like to keep it even. All the girls that I choose not to be on my side totally understand. I don't think its bad at all. We still would like them to be a part of the wedding anyway, one we're going to ask to officiate.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

mrae, they may be telling you to your face that they're okay with it, but what you did was very rude. Read down the page to, "Is this an ok reason to fire a BM" which tells the same story from a booted BM's POV. Long story short, it ended the friendship. Evenness of sides is so flucking ridiculous in a wedding I can't believe you'd be willing to alienate friends over it. I'm sorry, it's just really out-ofwhack priorities. And shame on you for telling them "why you're not in the wedding." It makes you appear shallow and that you put style over substance. What a shame.

banana468 · August 2010

Keeping even sides is an AWFUL reason to boot a BM. It's so horribly offensive.

CA2MT4EveR · August 2010

I disagree with the reader jobs unless she is a person who loves to get up and speak in front of people. She may agree just so she can be part, but unless she is completely comfortable with public speaking (the #1 fear in America) it could be am uncomfortable moment in the making.

Get over the even numbers and be a friend.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

ZOMG it's Retread! Where've you been all my life?

mraesmith · August 2010

You should probably know a person and the situation before calling a person shallow. Just answer the question, you don't have to be rude.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

It's rude to keep out friends for the sake of numbers. It's not rude to point that out to someone.

bablingbrooke · August 2010

And yes, it's very shallow to say, "We can only have three people in our wedding." That's putting style over substance and that is being shallow.

mbcdefg · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_roles-good-friends-not-bridemaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:399d0a04-1012-4f82-bb58-b942e6101c4bPost:6104aa55-4c06-4fb3-8f4c-22b064e5631f">Re: Roles for good friends who are not bridemaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should probably know a person and the situation before calling a person shallow. Just answer the question, you don't have to be rude.
Posted by mraesmith[/QUOTE]

It IS shallow to leave out a good friend just because of numbers.

All this tiptoeing around people's feelings is such bullshiit. People act shallow and treat their bridesmaids like crap because nobody calls them out on their awful behavior, out of fear of hurting their <em>pwecious feewlings</em>.

banana468 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_roles-good-friends-not-bridemaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:399d0a04-1012-4f82-bb58-b942e6101c4bPost:6104aa55-4c06-4fb3-8f4c-22b064e5631f">Re: Roles for good friends who are not bridemaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should probably know a person and the situation before calling a person shallow. Just answer the question, you don't have to be rude.
Posted by mraesmith[/QUOTE]

You should elaborate then. On face value, demoting three people is one of the rudest things you can do to your friends in the wedding planning process.

sonataop23 · August 2010

MRAE, I don't think it is rude to have even numbers. I like things to be symmetric and balanced. Jersey girl has 11,000+ posts and clearly has too much time on her hands. Bablingbrooke babbles too much and by adding an "L" to a curse word is clearly uneducated enough to use other language to describe how she feels.

I have a family friend, where I was in her wedding party about 7 years ago. Since then we have spoken off and on. I have always had her in mind to be a member of my wedding party (which would push my bridal party to 6, and so far my FI has 0 groomsmen) however, the last time I saw her she told me that she didn't support me marrying my FI because we were not "equally yoked" and that if I did ask her she probably would say no. I have yet to ask her and I have been engaged since March. I am thinking of saying no more BMs because my FI doesn't have that many groomsmen. We are planning on picking up bums off the street and putting them in Tuxes HA HA. His mother said to him "those BMs need someone to walk them down the aisle". So, to keep it balanced...; MOP I don't want anyone to walk down the aisle without a partner, that is hard to do for the BM. Granted, I could have the GM enter from the side and all BMs go without an escort, but that is not how I pictured my wedding. GGFAN, I like the idea of asking her to do a reading, or a dedication to you both.

All weddings are about appearances, if they were not, then the wedding industry would not exist. People would not spend "down payments on houses" for their wedding dresses, or go into debt to pay for their wedding. Weddings should be about the commitment between a Bride and Groom, and if someone has their panties in a wad because they are not standing next to the bride then they weren't that good of a friend to begin with and your life is better without them if that is how they choose to react. If you told your friends you were keeping the BP to 3 and they were fine with it, you know your friends and they probably were fine with it. "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react."

bablingbrooke · August 2010

1. I have a graduate school education from one of the top universities in the country, so don't even go off on how "uneducated" I must be. Deliberately misspelling curse words keeps them from getting censored.

2. It is rude to keep friends out of a wedding for the purpose of numbers.

3. I think you're probably the last person who should be giving advice and OP would do well to ignore it.

sonataop23 · August 2010

Dear Babbles,

Bless your little heart, I am fully aware of why you added the "L". I guess you should get your money back on that trumped graduate school education of yours. I believe there is no reason to get upset to the point of cursing on an opinion board. The point of opinion boards is to offer "opinions". You offered your opinion and just like the supreme court, I offered the dissenting opinion. Ultimately, it is neither your decision or mine. I don't know why you think I should be the "last person" to offer my opinion, but I can assure you my opinions will carry on with or without your approval. OP should read all the opinions out there, before making up her mind on what to do in her own life. It is not a contest to see whose advice OP takes, although I still see nothing wrong with asking her distant friend to do a reading or dedication or be involved in another way. It's her wedding and she can do what she wants.

I am so glad you offered your opinion to my post so quickly as I am still sitting at my computer to respond. I think this brings your postings up to 8649 to my 3. Gosh, it hardly seems fair that I haven't cursed yet....well, as we say in the South, "Bless your heart".

bablingbrooke · August 2010

I'm sorry that your ears are so sensitive to cursing. Feel free to block me if you find yourself getting the vapors in response to what I write. OP is free to take my advice or not to take it, but you singling me out just to insult me doesn't seem very genteel to me. You could have easily disagreed without personal insults, and it's a shame you chose not to do that.

sonataop23 · August 2010

"I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.
"Do you have nothing better to do than to sit on The Knot and reply to post as if you're the Wedding Queen?" ~daniellerenee12

"Block you" Good Idea. Thank you for suggesting it. I will. OP should do the same and so should MRAE. I do hope you will learn from this thread and keep your Clursing to a minimum. You sound much more intelligent, and people can laugh at your ridiculousness, rather than get the vapors to your responses.

4th post to Brooke's 8650. I'm gaining on you. Good night all!

banana468 · August 2010

Sonatop, be careful with your posts. Personal attacks are not allowed per TK's rules and regulations.

You're welcome to express your opinions but you're treading into some murky water with the approach.

emilyinchile · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_roles-good-friends-not-bridemaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:399d0a04-1012-4f82-bb58-b942e6101c4bPost:9d0e84a7-61d4-416a-a3ca-63441687f37f">Re: Roles for good friends who are not bridemaids?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't want anyone to walk down the aisle without a partner, that is hard to do for the BM.
Posted by sonataop23[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but if your friends think it is "hard" to walk the distance of an aisle alone, then they either have a physical disability that requires the support of holding on to someone or they have serious personality problems. Who can't walk for less than 30 seconds alone?

Roles for good friends who are not bridemaids?

Re: Roles for good friends who are not bridemaids?

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