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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Dear Abby
I was reading Dear Abby this morning, and the last post was from a woman who has been with a man for 10 years, yet when he is invited to a wedding, there is never "and guest" or her name on it. He then calls up the host and says if she is not invited, he won't attend. She feels this is incredibly rude and makes her uncomfortable. Abby agreed, saying he was "blackmailing" the hosts and they would sometimes say "sorry, we'll miss you" instead of allowing him to bring her.
I'm sorry, but I totally agree with the husband! I'd be pissed if FI was getting wedding invites that didn't include me, and then went to the wedding, telling me I wasn't invited.
Anyways, I thought you ladies might want to read this.
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby
I'm sorry, but I totally agree with the husband! I'd be pissed if FI was getting wedding invites that didn't include me, and then went to the wedding, telling me I wasn't invited.
Anyways, I thought you ladies might want to read this.
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dear Abby
Infertile, living childfree, advocating like a BOSS
However the hosts of all those parties are rude not to invite the dude's SO.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
[QUOTE]but the way it is described (by you, i didnt read it) he is being combative about it and giving them an ultimatum and "calling them out" on their poor etiquette, which essentially is also poor etiquette.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
You're right, and if this were to happen with FI, I would never expect him to call them up and demand that I be invited, but I also wouldn't expect him to just do nothing and attend on his own.
And in the actual article, he did sound combative as well, it wasn't just how I wrote it.
That leads me to think that they are in an established relationship, otherwise she wouldn't expect her name to be on the invites at all.
I bet the guy's family sees her as some sort of money grubber or something, or they don't want grandpa to come with a date that isn't grandma, etc. Without some more obvious affection on his part, they may have a hard time taking their relationship seriously enough to believe it warrants her name on the invite.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
Generally, it's rude to call up a host and ask to bring an extra guest. And hosts are not required by etiquette to extend an "and guest" option to single guests.
Of course, everyone knows that when a couple is married or engaged, they are a social unit and you don't invite just one of them.
It may be considered mandatory to invite those who are in LTRs or living together as a couple nowadays, but it has not always been this way. For those of an older generation, cohabitating or LTRs without benefit of something more official, are not always recognized as "socially acceptable". Yes I know it's anitquated, but many seniors may not approve of, or still find it awkward to call attention to the living arrangements of others.
So I think there is possibly a generational difference of opinion on what is "proper".
But I have to wonder if they have been "keeping company" for ten years, then why she isn't being invited, and how well the hosts are acquainted with her and her BF?
Regardless, I don't think he should have been so aggressive in demanding an invite. Maybe he should have just spoken to the family member and mentioned how much having a guest there to keep him company would mean to him.
[QUOTE]Goldie, you honestly would omit the partner of someone simply because they don't live together even if the relationship has been going for TEN YEARS??
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
What I said he that the host is not obligated to invite dating couples who don't live together. I wasn't thinking about me specifically, just etiquette in general. <div>
</div>
I'm sort of in this situation! My great aunt who is in her 80s just began dating a man she's known for 50+ years (he probably knew my grandfather, too). It occurred to me today that I should invite him to the wedding, even though they have not been together for 10 years and do not live together. She's OOT and will probably make the trip, as she does a lot of traveling. I just think it would be polite.
I also agree with Nebb - if he says, "I can't BELIEVE you wouldn't put Jennifer's name on the invitation. If she's not invited I'm NOT coming!" That's combative. If he calls and asks if there was a mistake, or refuses the invitation, that's proper. If he refuses enough, people will ask what's up.
40/112
I'm not talking young children but by the time you're a grown adult, you deserve to be recognized as a member of a social unit even if you've chosen not to "live in sin". It isn't the living together that makes the relationship serious.
For example: DH and I were dating for two and a half years prior to being engaged. After just 3 or 4 months, we knew we were serious but not ready to get married and we weren't going to live together without at least being engaged for personal reasons.
After DH and I were dating for about 9 mos, a friend of ours began to date someone and they also knew after a short time that they were serious. She moved in about six months later and they were engaged after they were dating for a bit over a year. During that time, DH and I still lived in our own separate places.
If someone decided to invite THAT couple as a social unit but decided that DH and I weren't a couple because of the lack of cohabitation, I would have been really p!ssed.
That's the point I'm trying to make here. Look at the big picture of the relationship before you decide who you are or aren't inviting because your decision can affect your friendships.
I don't know how much longer of a relationship you can get than 10 years.
This is why I'm a fan of just inviting everyone with a guest. It's the norm in my area, and solves all these issues.
When I read that I didn't get the impression that they were living together....which is probably why she's not getting invited. It sounds like his friends/family do not even know who this person is..considering she's just "keeping company"