Anyone who...?

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

So, is there anyone who did things earlier in their engagement related to their wedding party that you now regret or would have done differently now that you hang out on this board?

For me:

-I asked my bridesmaids too early...basically the second I got engaged (like others, I was under the impression that is just how it's done).
-I was convinced that bridesmaids had "duties" because of the knot list
-I was going to give my bridesmaids matching necklaces and earrings that me and FMIL made for them as their gift. The necklaces turned out really pretty, so I'm still going to give them to them, but I will now also be getting them a gift.

Conversely, is there any advice given on this board regularly that you don't agree with, or where you are ignoring the advice and doing it anyway?

-I think it is okay to have a "junior bridesmaid" as long as she is not too old. I think anything around 14 or 15 is too old to have that title...and then it REALLY bugs me.
-I also think it is okay to ask someone to hand out programs. Really, I think think this is no more "crappy" than escorting guests to their seats, and I think people (at least in my circle) are happy to do it. I still think things like guestbook attendant or cake cutter or punch server are crap jobs.

Any other takers?

mm45737 · February 2010

i like this post

let's see..........what I did that I regret:

I also asked my BM's too early and ended up regretting my MOH decision

I did not ask my BM their dress budget first (but I also paid the portion they couldn't afford- so hopefully thats not too bad)

What I disagree with:

I still feel like BM's have duties to SOME extent. I think it's fairly common sense that if you are asked to be in a wedding, the bride expects support and at least a LITTLE help. That doesn't think I mean they should be your slave, but I guess I expected them to at least OFFER to help (which mine did)

I like even number wedding parties. I will never change my mind on that.

I also think matching gifts are perfectly fine- I've been in 5 weddings and each time the BM's all got the same gift- and they were all really nice gifts. And I still have them all. BUt I'm also a very sentimental person, and if someone gave me a gift card I'd be annoyed. I buy gift cards for people when I don't know what else to get them.

mags0607 · February 2010

Regret:
- I asked my BMs about 3 weeks after I got engaged, and it was hard to even wait that long. I don't regret it obviously (see my post below), but until TK, I had never really heard anyone advise you to wait. I can see how the advice is very legitimate, and girls get themselves in binds by asking too early with a long engagement. But, I know that I can't keep my mouth shut, and never would have followed the good advice.
- I was going to arrange for everyone to have a manicure/pedicure date, but have now reconsidered it, because I wasn't thinking about some people maybe not wanting to have that done. I was also going to get my BMs all the same gift, but now will get them different things.

Disagree:
-While I don't like personal attendants, I agree that someone giving out programs isn't so bad, especially if you have a younger/ teenage family member that wouldn't mind doing it.
- I really like matching shoes, and I know its very OCD of me. I wouldn't require them if I wasn't paying for them, and I probably won't ask my girls to pick out matching shoes, but I really do like how it looks.

emilyinchile · February 2010

What I did wrong:
- Didn't ask their budgets - but I stuck to a range everyone was comfortable with in the end.
- Other than that, I think I got lucky and did things pretty much how I would do them now, with the advice I've seen on here!

What I disagree with:
- I too think it's fine to call someone a Jr BM. Not necessary, but I've been a Jr BM (age 12) and was perfectly happy about it.
- If the total cost of dress + accessories is within the original "dress budget," I think it's ok to ask BMs to buy their own accessories.

Huskerfanz · February 2010

Agree
-I asked my BMs too early as well. I don't even talk to one of them anymore because she is "too busy" to contact me. I knew even before I got engaged that we were drifting apart but I jumped the gun and asked her to be a BM and it didn't turn out well. (I did not kick her out, though!)
-Even though all of the BM said they liked the dress, I wish I would have let them pick their own B2 dress in any of our wedding colors as I'm sure they would have been more comfortable and I think it would have turned out well.

Disagree
-I had my cousins do programs and the guestbook even though they are crappy jobs. I wanted them involved in the wedding and didn't know how else to do it. (Not close enough to be BMs.) The jobs are so standard in weddings I have been to and seen that I didn't even think twice about it until I got on this board.

SandDD · February 2010

Agree.
-After posting on here, I did decide to wait on asking BM's. I have already asked my MOH, which is my FSIL, but the rest of the BP will be asked at a later date.

-Uneven sides. Ours will probably be uneven (once we ask) and I like it that way. One of my girls gets to pimp it with two boys haha!

Disagree:
-I am not a fan of matchy, matchy. I want my girls to be unique. I was in a wedding where we had to get dyeable open toe shoes. That's not being all that flexible. I love shoes and I hated buying ones I could never wear again--especially since we wore long dresses!

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

I also asked too early. My SIL was living with us at the time, and (well, she asked me, but whatever) she was a BM the day after we got engaged. I would have asked her anyway, but if we had waited we probably would have ended up having her on DH's side.

I also wish I'd just picked a color and let them go with it. I sort of let my sister and my local BM make the dress decision. Just picking a color would have been more fair to the OOT girls.

I don't really disagree with much here. If someone says something and I disagree, I'll comment.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

Agree with -

Not asking people to be involved in your ceremony out of a sense of obligation. We asked one of FI's family members (wife of his brother) to do a reading and thinking back on it now, I would have had one of my family members do it. We asked her basically out of a sense of obligation. As in, "Well, we asked FI's sister to do one so we really should ask FI's sister-in-law to do one as well." Wrong reason to ask someone. I do actually regret that now but it's too late to do anything about...

Disagree with -

It's considered a burden asking people to hand out programs. Two of my family members will be doing this / greeting people as they enter the chapel and then they'll be sitting down to enjoy the ceremony as soon as it's time. I don't feel it's giving them a crappy job (as opposed to guestbook attendant - yuck) and I'll be giving each of them a small gift as a thank you (they're each getting a brooch).

megandjay · February 2010

Earlier in my engagement I think I jumped the gun on booking the venue, I still love the place, but the communication with the staff is terrible and they don't have much experience with weddings. Being that I am planning from out of state, I should have considered the importance of the venue staff assistance more heavily.

Agree

-That uneven sides are fine, and matchy everything is not necessary

-I had never even heard of personal attendants before, and it really seems like a terrible slave-job.

Disagree

- That a breastfeeding child HAS to be invited along with the mother (whether the mother is a guest or in the wedding party).

gottahavashorti · February 2010

Agree:
- I didn't get a set budget from my BMs. We came to an agreement to keep it as cheap as possible (about the DB price range) but no firm dollar amount.
- I asked too early, and didn't really officially ask. I toyed with adding a couple BMs but didn't feel right adding them so late when they weren't changing friendships. I regret that more than actually asking early.
- I got caught in a situation similar to a previous poster (someone assuming their position the WP) but did not handle it as smoothly. I thought the engagement was still a few months away and wasn't even thinking about that kind of stuff. I think FI had actually bought the ring and showed it to her by that point.

Disagree:
- I don't think LBDs are always the solution. I think it's a great suggestion if it's the poster's style, but I wanted color so I figure other posters might as well.
- I don't think that handing out programs is an awful job like guest book or personal attendant. It seems more like the equivalent of an usher.
- Calling someone a Junior Bridesmaid doesn't bother me, as long as the BM is young enough that they wear children's clothing sizes or have just started wearing Junior's sizes - so elementary or middle school age.
- Even sides don't seem that awful, as long as the people you want most aren't being excluded and you aren't adding people just to have even sides. Specifically, I think it can be useful in keeping the WP size from getting out of hand if you want a small WP.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Regrets?

-I would have warned my BMs about my sister's tendency to lie about things. One already knew because her brother and my sister are the same person, but the other two didn't. It made planning the bach party hell because my sister wasn't responding, they didn't want to do anything unless she could be there, and they didn't want to get me involved. If I'd told them "Sis has a tendency to lie so if she's telling you one thing and another BM is saying something else, don't believe my sister because her version is not true."

-I also wish I'd warned them that she has a tendency to blow things off at the last minute so not to plan anything around her. (They told me from the second I asked them to be BMs that they wanted to throw a bach party so it's not like I was demanding anything.)

Disagreements?

-I don't mind DDs.

-I think it's fine to ask your WP at about the year mark. I think the 4-6 month standard is too late. When I didn't ask my BMs immediately they thought I wasn't going to ask them at all and they actually went through my Facebook friends list to figure out who I was going to ask instead. I heart them.

-I think it's fine to give out matching gifts, but that might be because it's pretty standard in my circle to do that for gifts anyway (i.e. everyone gets a book or a purse or something like that).

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

I wish I hadn't sent my girls a long, rambling email early in the engagement with all the details of the wedding, half of which got changed anyway. I also asked them way too early, and while I don't regret who I asked, I feel bad that I kind of burned everyone out.

Disagree:

I was a guest book attendant over the summer, it wasn't that bad. I only had to manage it before the ceremony, though, once we got to the reception I was off duty. As long as the job doesn't involve working the reception, I'm fine with it.

suz62984 · February 2010

IThe only thing I regret is asking my friend and ex college roommate to be in the wedding so early. We have grown apart since college because she took on a crazier lifestyle and I started settling down. She is a little hippish (nothing wrong with it btw), smokes a lot of pot now, and stays at bars a lot. Still love her to death but we don't have a lot in common anymore. We have only texted 3 times since I asked her to be in the WP last Oct. We have completely different schedules and just haven't seen each other or spoken at all.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · February 2010

I asked too early (after I got engaged, 12 months out) but I don't regret it. I AM starting to regret the one I added at the 9 month mark!

I think matching BM dresses are perfectly fine. That's the only matchy thing I'm asking my BMs to wear.

I really like matching sides, but I would never ask someone to be a BM or GM just to fill a slot. However, FI and I both agreed to 3 each after thinking about who we wanted up there with us.

I'm not a huge fan of LBDs as BM dresses. However, I totally understand that most people will never, ever re-wear a BM dress. But you know what? I'll never re-wear my wedding dress either.

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