No-Shows at Wedding

JLeTourneur · May 2012

My husband and I were married a month ago, but still have a wedding issue to tackle, and I could really use some advice:

So, we had 12 people no-show to our wedding, and 8 of those people still have not even contacted us, or so much as send a card, or called us to apologize for not showing up/offer a reason (or excuse) as to why they didn't come.

Most of these people were my husband's family, not friends, and I'm really offended by the fact that we were blown off, and our wedding unacknowledged, even when they all RSVP'd "yes" and we'd paid for them to be there . . .

What should I/we do? My husband is more forgiving than I, and says we should let it go. I, however, could use some advice, because even a month later, I am still very hurt & offended & feel disrepected.

amys325 · May 2012

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. No shows happen for many reasons.

Just try and let it go.

Summer2011Bride · May 2012

I would be frustrated too if people RSVP'd yes and then no-showed. Not only were you probably out money, but it is a little disrespectful to not even call last minute and say, 'Hey, sorry, we can't make it anymore." I get it. BUT it does happen quite often and to most brides.

I frankly would just drop it. It is H's side of the family so I would probably go along with how he wanted to handle it, and it sounds like he's OK with letting it go. The only thing I might do, the next time I see them, is say, "Hey, we really missed seeing you at the wedding! I hope everything was OK." Play it as concern that something serious came up. See what they say.

monkeysip · May 2012

Just let it go.

If it were a friend, then you may consider just not maintaining that relationship if it hurt you that much. (I don't mean purposefully ending it and getting into a fight... but I wouldn't make as much of an effort to stay friends.)

But if it's family.. what are you going to do? Sounds like you weren't that close anyway since you haven't talked to them since.

I wouldn't bring it up. It really sucks, but it's over and I'm assuming you still had a lovely wedding.

specialk84 · May 2012

Ditto Summer.

We had several no-shows at our wedding. There's nothing you can do. Most of the people did contact one of us and let us know what was happening (and most had good reasons for not being there).

One of H's guests pitched a giant hissy fit about how we just HAD to invite him and his son. We did, and he RSVPed for 12 people as a joke, did not show up to either the ceremony or the reception, did not send a gift, and in the ten months since we've been married has never acknowledged that the wedding even happened. I already thought the guy was a giant douche, but that pretty much sealed it.

monkeysip · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:5fe6d4dd-0e1e-42a5-a693-27979c6ca28c">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Summer. We had several no-shows at our wedding. There's nothing you can do. Most of the people did contact one of us and let us know what was happening (and most had good reasons for not being there). <strong>One of H's guests pitched a giant hissy fit about how we just HAD to invite him and his son. We did, and he RSVPed for 12 people as a joke, did not show up to either the ceremony or the reception, did not send a gift, and in the ten months since we've been married has never acknowledged that the wedding even happened. I already thought the guy was a giant douche, but that pretty much sealed it.</strong>
Posted by specialk84[/QUOTE]

WTF? Who does that? Did you actually believe the RSVP for 12 and pay for it, or did you know it was a joke and just pay for his son and him?

futuremrsbruno · May 2012

I'd be angry, too.

If it were friends, I agree with PP's on not maintaining the friendship. However, when it's family, especially new in-laws, that's a whole other story. You will be dealing with these people in some capacity for the rest of your life.

There may come a time when the topic of the wedding comes up and you get your answer. Did other members of H's family come? Do they talk to these people and know anything? You may be at a function in the future and someone who was there brings it up and you get your answer.

Otherwise, just drop it. Nothing good can come from pissing off family.

aragx6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:78dfafba-6b06-42de-9289-fbc62dee8d97">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Get over it. No, I'm being serious. I understand that you're angry, but there's nothing to be done about it and no help for it now, so you're just wasting your energy. What is your plan? Decide your husband's future relationship with these people based on how good you think their excuse is?<strong> I had 42 no-shows at my wedding</strong>. 20something of them sent word as to why, but the other 18-20 have never mentioned it and I never asked. Unless you are 'offended' to the point of ending these friendships in a messy and public way (because I promise this is the kind of shiiit that ends up as fodder for the family gossip mill and FB posts for everyone's amusement), get over it and don't say a word.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Oh my god, that's<em> awful</em>. What the hell is wrong with people?

specialk84 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:55347017-9d4b-403a-84fa-77f2fbecb68e">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No-Shows at Wedding : WTF? Who does that? Did you actually believe the RSVP for 12 and pay for it, or did you know it was a joke and just pay for his son and him?
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

<div>We just paid for him and his son. Unfortunately, we stuck him at a table with H's boss and two of my cousins. The couple that was supposed to join them were on the "had a really good reason to miss the reception" bus. My friend's GF was stung by a bee and they had to go to the ER.</div><div>
</div><div>H's boss was pretty much ditched at the table.</div>

pkontk · May 2012

Ditto PPs, you need to let it go. Especially since this is your H's family, and he is saying that it isn't a big deal. People flake out sometimes. Its unfortunate, but its true.

AllAboutTheBenjamin · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:9a7bcd5b-b4d3-460a-9b96-d1432a4dce74">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No-Shows at Wedding : Oh my god, that's awful . What the hell is wrong with people?
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

We had around 50 no-shows. But it blizzarded so I gave people a pass.

specialk84 · May 2012

Stage, I am rageful on your behalf.

julib33 · May 2012

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. My cousin invited around 200 people to his wedding, around 140 RSVP'd saying they would be there, and about 60 showed up.
Yes, he was hurt, but it happens sometimes, as crappy as it may be.

monkeysip · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:46390e76-61c3-43a0-9178-0d1c74d679bb">Re:NoShows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:NoShows at Wedding: Haha, thanks specialk. We still had a great time, and aside from a LOT of leftover food we'd had 120 RSVP yes, so it was a third of the guest list it wasn't any big thing.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Good Lord! I assumed you had some really big guest list like 250+. Only 120 and that many no-showed? I would definitely be pissed, but I'm glad you still had a good time.

I'm sure on your wedding day, things like "I overpaid" just don't even bother you.

meganb1977 · May 2012

We had a guest list of only about 75 and ended up with several no-shows or people who at the last minute had stuff come up and didn't make it. Guess it happens to everyone!

NOLAbridealmost · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:27b4d987-5457-438d-a4e3-b18578eec10f">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be frustrated too if people RSVP'd yes and then no-showed. Not only were you probably out money, but it is a little disrespectful to not even call last minute and say, 'Hey, sorry, we can't make it anymore." I get it. BUT it does happen quite often and to most brides. I frankly would just drop it. It is H's side of the family so I would probably go along with how he wanted to handle it, and it sounds like he's OK with letting it go. The only thing I might do, the next time I see them, is say, <strong>"Hey, we really missed seeing you at the wedding! I hope everything was OK." Play it as concern that something serious came up. See what they say</strong>.
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I wouldn't even do this. It's pretty passive-aggressive and definitely would make them squirm. I just would let it go entirely. It happens. I recently had lunch with an aunt who no-showed my wedding and while I was definitely curious about <em>why</em> she didn't come, I just never brought it up. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

</div>

Meegles4 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:e857c70e-222d-4613-82ed-bd1802d0e1ef">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be angry, too. <strong>If it were friends, I agree with PP's on not maintaining the friendship</strong>. However, when it's family, especially new in-laws, that's a whole other story. You will be dealing with these people in some capacity for the rest of your life. There may come a time when the topic of the wedding comes up and you get your answer. Did other members of H's family come? Do they talk to these people and know anything? You may be at a function in the future and someone who was there brings it up and you get your answer. Otherwise, just drop it. Nothing good can come from pissing off family.
Posted by futuremrsbruno[/QUOTE]

I don't get this, and I don't think PPs were saying this, except in Special's case...and there, it sounds like she had reasons to not give a rat's ass about the guy when he no-showed.

Whether it's friends or family, you don't just end relationships because they don't show up to your event. Sure, you're out money, and sure the amount of no-shows you had sucks, but you just gotta let it go. I certainly wouldn't end a friendship over it though, unless there was a history of the person being a douchey friend, in which case I wouldn't have even invited them to the wedding in the first place.

[Deleted User] · May 2012

You do nothing. Yes it was rude, but it would be far more rude to confront anyone as to why they did not show. Just let it go.

rlavach · May 2012

Yup, we had no shows too, just like most do. All of them were cousins. The first 2 I’m not going to worry about because they’re young & stupid. I’d like to think they just have no sense. The other 3 did bother me because they’re older cousins that I haven’t seen for years & were super enthusiastic about coming. Clearly, I wasn’t that important considering they haven’t even tried to contact me either. We haven’t had much of a relationship lately anyway, so I’m just keeping it that way. I’m not going to reach out to them or anything. What’s the point now? Can’t go back in time & make them want to come.

mbrischoux · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-shows-at-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:12b83e21-a901-42f4-96d6-7e30b03ac9dePost:edf3bc35-a312-42fc-83ac-766dd17a89f0">Re: No-Shows at Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Just let it go. I<strong>f it were a friend, then you may consider just not maintaining that relationship if it hurt you that much. (I don't mean purposefully ending it and getting into a fight... but I wouldn't make as much of an effort to stay friends.) </strong>But if it's family.. what are you going to do? Sounds like you weren't that close anyway since you haven't talked to them since. I wouldn't bring it up. It really sucks, but it's over and I'm assuming you still had a lovely wedding.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

A good friend of mine blew off my wedding after responding yes with a guest, then posted on FaceBook (he's FB friends with my mom, I don't FB for personal reasons) that he was on a great date...the night of my wedding! He was idiot enough to blow off the wedding AND post it on Facebook where the bride's mom could see it after she and my dad spent $300 on him and his guest.

Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends. If you cost me that kind of money, that's one thing. But you cost my parents, and that's not okay with me.

Family, however, you have to let go. Next time you see/here from them, just casually and fliendly mention that they were missed. They'll get the hint.

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