Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?

najordan89 · March 2013

Hi all, I need some help figuring something out and making sure I'm not crazy, lol!

I've having trouble with my fiance's sister, who is also a bridesmaids in my wedding. She's 20, in college, and very active with her college life--all that is understandable. However, she didn't like me even before I started dating her brother. In fact, the sister and now bridesmaids once told my sister-in-law that she flat out disliked me!

All that aside, there did come to a point while my fiance and I were dating that he had to sit down and talk to his sister about her dislike for me, which turned out, was stemmed from rumors and gossip egged on from a mutual friend. Nonetheless, I thought it would be rude NOT to include his sister in my wedding since well...she's his sister and all, and I'm trying my hardest to build a relationship with her.

The thing is, she hasn't helped with ANY activities. And by this I mean, I invited her to help put together invitations, she didn't come. My bridal shower was just recently and my matron of honor needed the bridesmaids to help her decorate my bridal shower location and to make food. She didn't do any of those things either. In fact, my fiance told me that she asked him how upset I would be if she didn't come to my bridal shower due to a previous engagement, which she didn't even attend. He practically wanted to beg her even to stop by my bridal shower, to which I said no.

I still have ceremony decorations to take care of and wedding favors to make. I plan to invite her to those things as well, but...should I even expect her to come?

Now I'm NOT saying she hasn't done anything, although so far she's used her own money to buy her bridesmaids dress and shoes and she's also lent me a dress to wear for my engagement pictures.

Am I just being crazy? Or was asking her to be a bridesmaids unwise?

najordan89 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:ac198ccb-520c-43b6-8304-f896cf70f8ce">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yes you are being crazy. It is not her job to do your invitations or decorate or help with wedding favors. It is YOUR wedding, not hers. Bridesmaids aren't indentured servants. Stop asking her to do work for your wedding!!!
Posted by scribe95[/QUOTE]

<div>lol Thanks for letting me know.</div><div>
</div><div>I never said it was her "job" to do my wedding invitations or decorate or help with wedding favors. My MOH and bridesmaids have offered to help me with all these things, but she's the one person who has not receprocated. I guess it's okay for bridemaids to simply show up and be done?</div>

lyndsay782 · March 2013

Technically, her job is to show up on the wedding day and that's about it. All the rest of the stuff is a bonus. You probably shouldn't have asked to be in the wedding in the first place, but you did.

Just try to let this go, and accept that she's not going to be helpful. Keep trying to include her, and at least you can say you offered if she declines. And for your sake, don't mention any of this to you FMIL. It will create more family tension than you could ever want.

renegade gaucho · March 2013

If you're going to "invite" anyone to do jobs for your wedding, it should be your fiance.

Obviously, since you've already asked her to be a bridesmaid, you can't exclude her from the wedding party, but going forward you just need to accept that she's not going to be your friend and stop trying to force a relationship with her.

cbrown828 · March 2013

All she is required to do is show up and wear the dress. You were not obligated to have her as a bridesmaid- she could have stood on your FI's side. I am sure it is frustrating that she seems to not be as enthusaistic as the other girls, but she has no obligation to be. None of your bridesmaids are required to help you with crafts or throw any parties, although it certainly is nice if they choose to help out in some way because they want to and are not being made to feel that they have to.

najordan89 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:1eceedc0-6f38-4b4d-a528-189d37529d9c">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Technically, her job is to show up on the wedding day and that's about it. All the rest of the stuff is a bonus. You probably shouldn't have asked to be in the wedding in the first place, but you did. Just try to let this go, and accept that she's not going to be helpful. Keep trying to include her, and at least you can say you offered if she declines. And for your sake, don't mention any of this to you FMIL. It will create more family tension than you could ever want.
Posted by lyndsay782[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Thanks for the input!</div><div>
</div><div>I asked her to be in the wedding party because I knew I could possibly offend people. I'll do my best to let it go and keep trying to include her, but you're very much right.

</div>

najordan89 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:b9ff3303-92b5-4019-9f98-fde910b11848">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're going to "invite" anyone to do jobs for your wedding, it should be your fiance. Obviously, since you've already asked her to be a bridesmaid, you can't exclude her from the wedding party, but going forward you just need to accept that she's not going to be your friend and stop trying to force a relationship with her.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the input. It's always a bummer to know she may not be my friend when I'm marrying her brother, lol!</div>

najordan89 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:4f39652c-b3bc-47cb-b01b-59b92165722e">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]All she is required to do is show up and wear the dress. You were not obligated to have her as a bridesmaid- she could have stood on your FI's side. I am sure it is frustrating that she seems to not be as enthusaistic as the other girls, but she has no obligation to be. None of your bridesmaids are required to help you with crafts or throw any parties, although it certainly is nice if they choose to help out in some way because they want to and are not being made to feel that they have to.
Posted by cbrown828[/QUOTE]

<div>Thanks for the input.</div><div>
</div><div>I guess all the posts about a bridesmaid's duty is just useless.</div>

AddieCake · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:4cbcac2c-c303-4939-9282-5d4e02bc9cf6">Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I need some help figuring something out and making sure I'm not crazy, lol! I've having trouble with my fiance's sister, who is also a bridesmaids in my wedding. She's 20, in college, and very active with her college life--all that is understandable. <strong>However, she didn't like me even before I started dating her brother. </strong>In fact, the sister and now bridesmaids once told my sister-in-law that she flat out disliked me! All that aside, there did come to a point while my fiance and I were dating that he had to sit down and talk to his sister about her dislike for me, which turned out, was stemmed from rumors and gossip egged on from a mutual friend. Nonetheless, I thought it would be rude NOT to include his sister in my wedding since well...she's his sister and all, and I'm trying my hardest to build a relationship with her. The thing is, she hasn't helped with ANY activities. And by this I mean, I invited her to help put together invitations, she didn't come. My bridal shower was just recently and my matron of honor needed the bridesmaids to help her decorate my bridal shower location and to make food. She didn't do any of those things either. In fact, my fiance told me that she asked him how upset I would be if she didn't come to my bridal shower due to a previous engagement, which she didn't even attend. He practically wanted to beg her even to stop by my bridal shower, to which I said no. I still have ceremony decorations to take care of and wedding favors to make. I plan to invite her to those things as well, but...should I even expect her to come? Now I'm NOT saying she hasn't done anything, although so far she's used her own money to buy her bridesmaids dress and shoes and she's also lent me a dress to wear for my engagement pictures. Am I just being crazy? Or was asking her to be a bridesmaids unwise?
Posted by najordan89[/QUOTE]

<div>Why would you ask someone who doesn't like you to be in your wedding party? It's not rude not to include someone you know doesn't like you. Yes, it was unwise to ask her. She doesn't have to help even if she did like you. But since you knew going in that she didn't, I am confused why you are surprised she is not helping you at all. </div>

najordan89 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:ecd5bca5-ae68-43b3-b1f6-2e3189c3f476">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard? : Why would you ask someone who doesn't like you to be in your wedding party? It's not rude not to include someone you know doesn't like you. Yes, it was unwise to ask her. She doesn't have to help even if she did like you. But since you knew going in that she didn't, I am confused why you are surprised she is not helping you at all.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I didn't want to offend my future-in-laws (mostly my future mother in law) by not including her. I guess, in this case, I'm a bit of a people pleaser. Also, since the fact that I'm marrying her brother and will be thrust into her life anyways, I thought it would be nice to try to build a relationship with her, instead of continuing life with awkward conversations and avoiding eye contact.

</div>

cbrown828 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:59b4c38f-17f5-4029-8581-a10cd2523dff">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard? : Thanks for the input. I guess all the posts about a bridesmaid's duty is just useless.
Posted by najordan89[/QUOTE]

I'm picking up some sarcasm here. There are a lot of different opinions out there about what "bridesmaid duties" include. I have been reading the posts of many of these ladies for several months (such as Addie and Maggie) and they have a lot of good, sound advice to share that is designed to help the brides who come here with the me-me-me attitude take a deep breath and focus on what's really important. Your bridesmaid should be the ladies (or whoever!) who are closest to you- who you couldn't imagine not having there on your wedding day. They are not indentured servants for the length of your engagement. Just because somebody posts a list of "duties" on the internet doesn't make it the right way to treat people.

ETA: and Stage. She rocks as well.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:59b4c38f-17f5-4029-8581-a10cd2523dff">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard? : Thanks for the input. I guess all the posts about a bridesmaid's duty is just useless.
Posted by najordan89[/QUOTE]

Not sure if this is sarcastic or not, but yes, they are useless. Ignore them. She's put out money to buy a dress and shoes for your wedding, that's all she has to do.

AddieCake · March 2013

Thinking that having someone in your wedding party will somehow be a bonding experience is a mistake a lot of people make. Quite the opposite is often true. Like Stage said, just let it go and enjoy the time you're spending with the people who want to be there. You made a mistake in asking her to be in the wedding party, but just make the best of it now.

zitiqueen · March 2013

It's hard to believe her personality didn't change completely just because you asked her to be in your wedding.

bellinibellini · March 2013

It might be a little unreasonable to expect her to participate above and beyond, since she sounds reluctant anyway. And like people are saying, you can't expect your bridesmaids to do things for you; either they're generously offered or they shouldn't happen. You can't unask her, so make the best of it--at least there's just the absence of help, instead of her actively being difficult.

lyndsay782 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:4d95b8b7-81ce-46a0-8c44-6b5aa11625b2">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard? : Thanks for the input! I asked her to be in the wedding party because I knew I could possibly offend people. I'll do my best to let it go and keep trying to include her, but you're very much right.
Posted by najordan89[/QUOTE]

<div>My guess is that she agreed to be in the wedding party because her mother (your FMIL) pushed her to do it as well. </div><div>Don't use the wedding to bond, because she is really not interested. Sometime after the wedding, or even before, try inviting her over to do something that you both enjoy doing. And if she's willing, do it without your FH, and without mentioning the wedding. Even just offering to meet for coffee. Maybe if she gets to know you without her brother/mother/mutual friends around, you two can work on the relationship. </div>

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

The way I see it, she's doing you a favor. Who wants to have a resentful person scowling at them while trying to concentrate on getting invitations just so? Or worry that any little word will deepen her dislike?

Let her keep doing you the favor of not squashing your wedding enthusiasm and zeal. She can show up on the wedding day, then you two can go back to your truce.

heart_4_god · March 2013

Goodness, the majority of the people replying seem very negative and/or hostile towards the bride. I personally believe that a bridesmaid should help out as much as she can or at least show up to some events. I think, as a bride, she did her duty in asking her future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid. I realize both women probably felt obligated to ask/say yes, but because she accepted, I do feel like she has some responsibilities. Buying the dress and shoes are the main ones, but she could at least attend some events. I understand that the idea of a bridesmaid is not what it used to be and maybe some of us have an "older" idea of the responsibilities attributed to the title. I do agree that the only thing to do now is appreciate the people who are helping and just let her non-participation go, but I do not think that it is crazy to want to be closer to your fiance's sister or to hope that she does participate.

artbyallie · March 2013

So-called 'duties' were invented for bridesmaids so the wedding industry could make even more money. *gavel*

heart_4_god · March 2013

Wow, okay. I know all about the history and origin of bridesmaids already. You guys seem very hostile to anyone with a different opinion. A wedding is a very important event in someone's life, no matter how you look at it, and it is an honor to be included. I think you may be seeing bridezillas where there aren't any...

ELM12345 · March 2013

Or maybe they see someone who has unrealistic expectations caused by the wedding industry hype.

Here's the deal. BM/FSIL had a previous engagement. If OP was so concerned about her being at the shower, she should have run the date by her previously. That's not that hard. THEN if FSIL didn't make it, OP might have a little ground to get upset.

But everything that Retread said is right. It's not a duty to work on projects for a wedding because you are a bridesmaid. I have amazing bridesmaids. Want to know how many DIY projects they have helped with? 0. Want to know how many projects I have asked for their assistance on? 0. Friends do not equal free labor.

beardownbchs · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:8a29fb46-a89a-4bd4-bf43-65c057175fe8">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, okay. I know all about the history and origin of bridesmaids already. You guys seem very hostile to anyone with a different opinion. A wedding is a very important event in someone's life, no matter how you look at it, and it is an honor to be included. I think you may be seeing bridezillas where there aren't any...
Posted by heart_4_god[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>It's not that we're here to tear down brides, we just try to get them to look at their wedding from the perspective of other people. A LOT of people come here with a very, "ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEEE!!!!!" attitude and that's not right. They never look past themselves (not saying you or the OP are these people). The typical wedding and reception is an event that the bride and groom (or their parents, ect.) host for their friends and family. To everyone else - bridesmaids included - a wedding is just another day. It's usually pretty stressful for a bridesmaid and to expect a wedding party to want to stuff envelopes is kind of ridiculous. Sure it's nice if they want to but no one should ever expect it. </div><div>
</div><div>We're really not mean, I promise. We just represent everyone else involved in a wedding. </div>

[Deleted User] · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:8a29fb46-a89a-4bd4-bf43-65c057175fe8">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, okay. I know all about the history and origin of bridesmaids already. You guys seem very hostile to anyone with a different opinion. A wedding is a very important event in someone's life, no matter how you look at it, and it is an honor to be included. I think you may be seeing bridezillas where there aren't any...
Posted by heart_4_god[/QUOTE]

The fact is bridesmaids should be your nearest and dearest. That generally means that they are people who WANT to help. It's never wrong to accept offers to throw parties, attend events, help with planning and prep, etc. It is, however, wrong to think someone is rude or a bad bridesmaid if they can't do that. As important as our weddings are in OUR lives, everyone else has their own lives which take precedence. So if someone offers help, great. If not, fine. If they offer and back out, oh well. The issue the regs have on these boards is the idea that someone is a terrible person or deserves to be kicked out of a wedding party if showing up in a dress is all they are able to contribute to the wedding.

[Deleted User] · March 2013

Just going to jump and say that I dont think you made a mistake asking her. Maybe crafts/decorating or showers just arent her thing, but I like your attitude of trying to build a relationship with her. This girl will be in your life forever and the wedding is just the start of that. You even acknowledge in your post that she has done some things - like loan you a dress for photos - so keep thinking of the small positive interactions and hopefully the relationship can grow from there :-)

beardownbchs · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:ee2dd4d9-2d36-41c3-aea4-5e07eb8a90bd">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just going to jump and say that I dont think you made a mistake asking her. Maybe crafts/decorating or showers just arent her thing, but I like your attitude of trying to build a relationship with her. This girl will be in your life forever and the wedding is just the start of that. You even acknowledge in your post that she has done some things - like loan you a dress for photos - so keep thinking of the small positive interactions and hopefully the relationship can grow from there :-)
Posted by wigs1[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with this. It never hurts to ask. But you also should never get mad at anyone for not helping.

I also think that if you're doing something with ALL your bridesmaids, you should still invite her. Maybe just a quick text - "Hey the girls and I are doing X, no biggie but I'd love to see you if you're around!". This way she won't feel totally left out and hate you for that, but she doesn't feel any pressure to assemble invitations.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about experiences as a sister of the groom as a bridesmaid and how obvious it was for some of us that we were "obligatory bridesmaids" and the bride wanted nothing to do with us. Do what you can to try to include her without pressuring her.

Good luck, OP!! :)

heart_4_god · March 2013

I understand representing others in a wedding--I've been a bridesmaid a few times...And I just want to point out that the poster didn't say she was mad at the bridesmaid, she just wanted to know if she should expect her to attend any bridesmaid or wedding events. I agree with Wigs1 and hope that everything works out

fionahalliwell · March 2013

I'm not that much younger than your FSIL. Even though I love crafting, I also have papers, midterms, group projects, office hours, a social life, club activities, and--surprise!--class. It's not always easy to drop everything to go help someone plan a wedding. And, even if I had some free time, I'd probably want to use it to sleep. No college student can ever get enough sleep. I'm not saying that sleep is more important than your wedding, but I am saying that college is a tough place, and professors are not particularly lenient for "frivolous" activities like wedding events (and, while your wedding is very important to you, no professor will give a cr*p. I'm sorry).

At the same time, a better idea might be to try to talk to your FSIL outside of the confines of the wedding. Ask her about her classes, her major, her career aspirations, extracurriculars...for all you know, you and she are sorority sisters, or she's interested in working in your field, or something that can lead you two to bond that is completely unrelated to your wedding. I know that I love discovering that someone I've known for a long time is also a valuable career resource or studied what I'm studying.

Even try to figure out if you watch the same tv shows or listen to the same music. Maybe you can go to a concert together or have a morning-after TV recap. That's how I stay in touch with long-distance relatives.

saric83 · March 2013

I completely agree with PP, and I also wanted to put out there that beyond everything else, hanging out with you and your friends may not be very comfortable and/or fun for her.

I've been in weddings where everyone else knew each other or I was the youngest, and frankly, it was incredibly boring and awkward for me to try to push myself into those situations.

If you want a relationship with your FSIL, just work on it organically one-on-one.

julie650 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:8a29fb46-a89a-4bd4-bf43-65c057175fe8">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, okay. I know all about the history and origin of bridesmaids already. You guys seem very hostile to anyone with a different opinion. A wedding is a very important event in someone's life, no matter how you look at it, and it is an honor to be included. I think you may be seeing bridezillas where there aren't any...
Posted by heart_4_god[/QUOTE]

Don't even try lol...there's a reason that a simple google search reveals that all over the web, people find many of the regular women on the knot to be pushy and mean.

artbyallie · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-etiquette-excuses-overboard?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54fe1042-564b-4923-b115-8ff22611124ePost:501f7ce3-0008-4915-91dd-03ea5bc94d92">Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids' etiquette -- Excuses overboard? : Don't even try lol...there's a reason that a simple google search reveals that all over the web, people find many of the regular women on the knot to be pushy and mean.
Posted by julie650[/QUOTE]

<div>No, we're just honest. And blunt. If you actually lurk and read the threads, you'll find the people calling us mean are the ones who either have or validate rude ideas.</div>

julie650 · March 2013

If calling it "honest" is what makes you feel better than that's fine. But there is a way to be honest without coming off as rude and snobbish

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