Private Ceremony

CorissaAmber · October 2012

My fiance & I have approx 140 people on our wedding guestlist. Lately we've been discussing the idea of having a private ceremony - bridal party, sibling, parents & grandparents - and then inviting everyone to the reception afterwards. We both have bad anxiety and the idea of having our ceremony in front of 140 people is already stressing us out (we still have 9 months until the wedding!). We both want a small, more intimate ceremony so that we can fully enjoy it. What are everyone's thoughts on a private ceremony with a big reception? Is it a good idea? bad idea? offensive? perfectly acceptable? ... We're going to discuss the same with our parents in a few weeks and I want some feedback on possible guest reactions!! Thanks so much

Lisa50 · October 2012

My initial thought?? I would find it a it off-putting if I were not invited to the ceremony. But, with almost 150 guests, the reception will not be anything close to intimate so guess you'd be fine with the private ceremony. Whatever you choose, I wish you all the best. Good luck!

Avion22 · October 2012

I've been invited to the reception only before, and I usually choose to decline. I like to actually SEE the couple get married and share in their joy as they actually join in marriage. When I'm not invited to see that part, I usually assume that I'm only being asked to the reception because the couple wants my gift.

I'd honestly rather just not be invited at all, to any of the wedding, than only be invited to the reception. I can understand that some people like intimate events or can't afford the whole shebang, and I'm fine with that.

kmmssg · October 2012

I think if you go no farther out than gparents you will be fine. My poor niece got married last year and I knew she was shy and kind of a wallflower girl. She had maybe 60-70 people at her wedding. I have never seen a bride "white-kuckle" her grip around her father's arm like she did. By the look on her face you would have thought she was walking to the death chamber. No, she wasn't unsure of marrying her DH, she just has terrible anxiety in front of crowds when she is the center of attention. My heart just sank for her when she started down the aisle.

Now, if you start adding aunts/uncles/cousins/friends to the private ceremony then you are going down the wrong road and you are going to insult people. Like Avion, the wedding is the part I really want to witness (well, that and good wedding cake), but I wouldn't be offended if you kept it to immediate family. Disappointed? Yeah. Offended? No.

itzMS · October 2012

Well, with a big reception, you're still going to have to deal with anxiety issues. So that's not really an excuse.

Choose the private ceremony because that's what you and FI desire, not just to try to counteract anxiety or shyness.

I'm not the most outgoing person, but had 200 people at my ceremony and trust me, I still enjoyed it!

artbyallie · October 2012

If you do this, the ceremony should be truly private, as in immediate family only, so 20 people total or less.

itzMS · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:4df3dc99-69a6-46af-a818-f79a1aece508Post:79385c34-c24d-4a0b-8130-b3d4ac659325">Re: Private Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Private Ceremony : Wrong. Mingling at a reception is not even REMOTELY the same as standing up in front of them for a wedding ceremony. At the reception, you are not on display with everyone silently staring at you the entire time and you do not have a set of things to remember like vows/rings/do the unity candle now/etc that you can potentially "mess up" in front of the group. And as someone with anxiety, I am pretty damn offended that you would accuse someone of using it as an excuse or compare not being "the most outgoing person" to having actual anxiety issues.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Oh, Christ on a bicycle.

I don't get what your attitude problem is. Apparently anyone presenting another scenario for the OP to consider or playing devil's advocate is automatically out to offend StageManager14...

Avion22 · October 2012

Stage, are you okay? This is out of character for you. I know we don't always agree, but you don't usually get "offended" by stuff people say on here.

Avion22 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:4df3dc99-69a6-46af-a818-f79a1aece508Post:5051277e-e698-4b99-971d-db075a295dc1">Re: Private Ceremony</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Private Ceremony : Avion, I've been on this board for nearly 5 years, and I have absolutely always found it offensive when someone belittles a medical or psychological condition simply because they don't "get" it, whether it's constantly saying they are "OCD" about this or that, telling people with joint injuries that they are bad friends for not being willing to stand in heels for an outdoor ceremony, or equating social anxiety to being shy or nervous.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I totally get your point, and I agree with you. Your posts today are just edgier than usual, and I wanted to make sure you're okay. You just seem a little out-of-sorts. I remember when I was in a particularly pissy moon last month and you called me on it, and it turned out I was just having a craptacular day. Just checking on you:-) </div>

spolice88 · October 2012

First and foremost, it is yours and your future husband's day. The last thing either of you will need is any extra added anxiety. If you would feel more comfortable with a smaller ceremony then go for it. It will be the day you keep going back to as one of if not the happiest day of your life. Make sure when you think back to the moment when you walk down the aisle, you dont remember feeling like you have to impress a whole bunch of people.

Just think about the people that get married on cruises with a small group of people! They have the reception sometimes when they get back or not at all. It is what you two want.

If you are worried that people will feel slighted, have a videographer (or a relative with a video camera) video tape it, then play it back during the reception on a blank wall or a small screen somewhere and just have it loop through all night. That way guests can stop over and get to be in on the moment that they missed!

Whatever you choose, make sure it is what you 2 want. Your guests, if they know you well enough, will understand.

NOLAbridealmost · October 2012

Etiquette-wise, a private ceremony like the OP describes followed by a much larger reception is fine.

I personally am not a fan. I love wedding ceremonies and I love witnessing the couple exchange vows. But I love a good party too and would be more than happy to attend the reception only even if I was a little miffed at being left out of the ceremony part.

ginadog · October 2012

As others have said, etiquette wise you are fine with your idea.

I personally would not mind if I were invited to the party and not the ceremony. The party is the fun part (to me personally) anyway. I don't need to see two people pour their heart and soul out in front of me.

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