Vent about open bars

duckie1905 · February 2010

People that want to drink and then drive home will do so whether the booze is free or not. Having to pay for it will not deter those that want to drink. Not to mention that many might binge early in anticipation of the bar closing or going cash, leaving you with a bunch of wasted guests who would've otherwise spread out their drinking throughout the evening.

If you are really concerned that your guests won't be able or won't want to control their drinking, have some cab numbers on hand for those guests that can't drive.

But, cutting the alcohol so that guests won't drive home drunk won't stop those that really want to from doing so. Some will leave and the rest of your guests will be still-drunk or already reaching hangover drunk and cranky.

AdeleDazeem · February 2010

There are plenty of ways to have a cheaper wedding than $35k - even in the great (cough) state of Massachusetts. If you aren't hosting an open bar because your budget includes an overpriced gown, make up, hair styles, excessive honeymoon, etc... your guests will take note.

It seems like the wedding vision exceeds the checkbook and often to the detriment of the guests who you are thanking with your reception.

Cut back your guests and cover everyone's meal/drink costs or invite everyone to a cheaper venue. Be a nice host.

For what it's worth, I went to a wedding where only the wedding party got free drinks. That wedding was six years ago. Everyone I know still uses this as a cautionary tale because it was rude rude rude.

AlmondWhittle · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:da1b2601-bd1b-463e-8c52-5581cf552188">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : Where exactly did you get married. I said you cant have the type of wedding they are talking about with full hosted open bar with the amount of people I am having for less than that. $80 a head (for everything) is a great deal! I looked at just about every venue in Ma and could not find that price. Most venues had a 20K minimum just on food (for a saturday night). Factor in booze, dress, photographer, limos, flowers, etc and it hits 35K easily.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

I got married at Bittersweet Farms in Westport, on a Saturday. I paid about $35/head, and the food was beyond amazing. $80/head is not a great deal, at all. My minimum for food was $3500. Bittersweet was one of a number of places that had similar prices that I checked out. Had I factored in booze, it would have bumped it up only $2k more. I had a dress, photographer, flowers, etc and the only thing I really cut out was the limo. Somehow, I don't think a limo would have cost me an extra 26k.

I looked at well over 20 venues. I'd say 5 or less had minimums that high, and I live down on the Cape. And no, I didn't stick to VFWs and moose lodges. So, you really just kind of sound like a spoiled brat who is insisting having all the shiny things you see in wedding magazines.

shanollee · February 2010

[QUOTE]You're also so clever quoting a Sonic commercial!
Posted by luckyme502[/QUOTE]

You're so smrt.

kellyeda1stnoel · February 2010

I haven't been to any weddings with a full hosted bar. It is par for the course for there to be cash bars and no one seems to think it is rude.

I told my family I couldn't afford to host a bar and that I wasn't going to have one and they freaked out. Everyone told me to have a cash bar and that they wouldn't mind paying fo drinks, but not having a bar was not fun. So I am very confused.

I am paying for tea, coffee, soda, and a champagne toast.

I don't know if it is where I am getting married but cash bars are generally accepted.

megandjay · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:e24fb594-e8fa-4bdf-a8e4-7662e18bef4d">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : I got married at Bittersweet Farms in Westport, on a Saturday. I paid about $35/head, and the food was beyond amazing. $80/head is not a great deal, at all. My minimum for food was $3500. Bittersweet was one of a number of places that had similar prices that I checked out. Had I factored in booze, it would have bumped it up only $2k more. I had a dress, photographer, flowers, etc and the only thing I really cut out was the limo. Somehow, I don't think a limo would have cost me an extra 26k. I looked at well over 20 venues. I'd say 5 or less had minimums that high, and I live down on the Cape. And no, I didn't stick to VFWs and moose lodges. So, you really just kind of sound like a spoiled brat who is insisting having all the shiny things you see in wedding magazines.
Posted by AlmondWhittle[/QUOTE]

Well the prices might be lower outside of the city of Boston, but I can send you a very long list of venues downtown and they are all over $150/head and most closer to $200/head, like the Hilton, Renaissance, Westin, Hyatt, Mariott, Omni Parker, State Room, Sheraton, Colonade, Liberty, Seaport...etc. Then there are the ones closer to $300-400/head like the Fairmont, Taj, Mandarin, Plaza, Intercontinental, etc.

banana468 · February 2010

But megandjay, why do you HAVE to pick a place IN Boston??

megandjay · February 2010

Banana468- You don't, that is a choice for the B&G to make with their families.
But the post from Almondwhittle made it seem like those prices are uncommon or rare, and they are standard IN Boston.

Lenore2010 · February 2010

Well, we are having a tiny wedding in Las Vegas (at Red Rock Canyon, ten people wedding party included). We are not paying to wine and dine 200 people, but we are paying for both the food and the booze for all guests after the wedding at a restaurant at the Bellagio. When we return, we are having an open house for friends and family at a venue where no booze is allowed, but we will head across the street for drinks with guests after the "official" daytime thing is done, and no doubt pick up that tab, too.

While wanting a cash bar does not make you a moron, I think it shows that you are thinking you are somehow doing your guests a favor by having them at your wedding-you are not. Truth be told, most weddings are pretty obligatory and dull affairs for most guests. You family and close friends may be genuinely thrilled, but most of them are showing up because they feel it is the "right thing to do" when invited. Asking them to pay to drink just makes them REALLY want to leave the reception early.

If paying for the booze is really a problem, you have a lot of options: trim the guests list, make cheaper choices for food OR go really radical and have a booze free reception. It is better to have no booze at all then to charge for it, and I have seen it done more than once. Of course, I also come from MN, the land of 1000 treatment centers so what do I know?

renee.himes.osu · February 2010

It is a regional thing! Around Chicago and the suburbs- you better have an open bar or people will be shocked. I pack my purse with a dozen singles - for tips- but would be SOL if it was a cash bar- unless there was an ATM nearby! My brother got married in central Illinois and they were only going to do do beer/wine free, cash for mixed drinks. My dad knew our family/friends would expect an open bar (especially since they traveled 3 hours to get to the wedding) so he payed one big tab at the end of the night! I think the bar tab was more than most of the wedding! Around Chicago- open bars are included in most packages- so they aren't much of an upgrade.

Most guests will only remember the food/decor if it was really bad or really amazing. They will remember if they had fun or not. They care about the music and the bar! I found this to be true in every age group. Since only I will care about the decor and other details- I am on a strict budget for those things (I recently had to give up my chair covers!). But when it came to my guests- I splurged! I got a high rated DJ, photo booth, 12hr photographer to capture the whole event (who will give me rights to the pictures which I will share with my guests so they can get their photos cheap), upgraded to premium bar, hors d'oeuvres, and shuttle busses (which I am paying for since the hotel with the best group rate didn't include them).

People will judge your hosting ability if you spend a ton of money on your dress and then do a cash bar! I want my friends and family to have an amazing time! This should be your priority too!

Lenore2010 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:c37f92e4-6897-41e0-9779-d8e866f0afe1">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]My apologies. This statement made it seem like all you were covering was the after wedding dinner. We are not paying to wine and dine 200 people, but we are paying for both the food and the booze for all guests after the wedding at a restaurant at the Bellagio If you were covering the entire trip, I would have thought you would have just said that originally, not after it was pointed out that asking people to pay their way to your wedding was just as rude, if not ruder.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>We are paying for these guests because their financial circumstances make that an imperative for them to attend without straining. However, I do maintain that there is nothing "rude" about a destination wedding even if guests are paying their own way. Attendance at a destination wedding is strictly optional (in a way that attendance at a non destination wedding is often not so optional). The party/reception at home that follows most destination</div><div> weddings, like mine, gives all friends and relatives an opportunity to be a part of things.</div><div>
</div><div>A few years ago, a friend of mine got married at Sandals in Jamaica and I was invited, but of course could not attend. I think she had maybe 20 guests and that was about what she expected. The party that followed here, though had maybe 100 people and was pretty much your standard reception-post wedding party.</div><div>
</div><div>For a lot of people, the destination idea is a way of having an intimate ceremony with a big party to follow at home. For us, we felt like those who could make or wanted to make the trip would, and we would see everyone else at home later. There was no "expectation" that people would spend "thousands" to attend. I do not think most people who send invites for destination wedding have that "expectation"-with the exception of the rich.</div><div>
</div><div>The cash bar for a home wedding rubs me wrong in a couple of different ways: people like co-workers, etc. often feel an obligation to make an appearance at a wedding. In addition to that, you are asking them to pony up for a drink? Do you do that when you invite people to your place for dinner? Probably not. I think the same "rules" apply for your wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>Second issue, I really think you are better off going alcohol free than changing for alcohol if you cannot afford it . I mean, what is the big deal with alcohol anyway? </div>

agk0125 · February 2010

Blue eyed, you're ridiculous. I'd love to know how much your dress costs.

I live in NYC and last I checked it's even MORE expensive than your precious Boston. FI and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves and guess what? We're still having a full open bar for our guests. It's all about the choices you make with your budget and considering the size of yours it's pretty obvious that you could have made some better choices in order to make the full open bar work. Also with your budget I'd be embarassed if I didn't offer a shuttle for guests to get back to the hotel though.

Heck, that may be me and my darned "thoughtfulness" towards my guests.

When it comes down to it, your guests will drink however much they will drink, regardless of whether or not it is an open bar. The only decision you have to make is whether or not you want your tipsy friends cheers-ing you for your great hosting, or making fun of your gawdy reception and cash bar.

The choice is yours. In an equally expensive area we figured out a way to make the right choice.

[Deleted User] · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:65415cfb-e6e1-4568-b66c-328aee96e070">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]It's a matter of etiquette and WANTING to find a way to afford it. I just think some of them don't want to. Plain and simple. We found ways to afford having a nice reception in our budget where we could properly host a party. And for all the people who say "ZOMG I don't want to be resposible for people who drink all night!!!!!" You're NOT. Because the VENUE is. [/QUOTE]

Well, that's not entirely true. Even if we wanted an open bar and wanted to find a way to pay for it, we wouldn't be able to. Not everyone can just 'find a way.' Hell, our venue is free, my dress was less than $150, FI is wearing a suit he already has with a new new vest, we're doing all the cooking--basically, we're trying to spend a little as possible--and we can still barely afford our montly bills, even working 7 days a week. So just because someone doesn't have an open bar (but will provide other drinks) it doesn't mean they are rude or cheap, it means they really don't have the money but still want to celebrate their day with the people they love most.

Of course, this does not include people who spend 50K on everything else and still have a cash bar. I'm talking people like me, who will end up spending maybe $2-3,000, if even. Oh, and our reception is at a private residence, so yes, we would be responsible for people leaving drunk.

agk0125 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:f3d5af13-3b5e-4a5d-b74b-67dbabb289b8">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : Well, that's not entirely true. Even if we wanted an open bar and wanted to find a way to pay for it, we wouldn't be able to. Not everyone can just 'find a way.' Hell, our venue is free, my dress was less than $150, FI is wearing a suit he already has with a new new vest, we're doing all the cooking--basically, we're trying to spend a little as possible--and we can still barely afford our montly bills, even working 7 days a week. So just because someone doesn't have an open bar (but will provide other drinks) it doesn't mean they are rude or cheap, it means they really don't have the money but still want to celebrate their day with the people they love most. Of course, this does not include people who spend 50K on everything else and still have a cash bar. I'm talking people like me, who will end up spending maybe $2-3,000, if even. Oh, and our reception is at a private residence, so yes, we would be responsible for people leaving drunk.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Obviously this is a situation where no bar or BYOB (which I think I read you are doing) wouldn't be judged. You're doing what you can to have a nice little party with the means that you have and you're making sacrifices left and right, which I know isn't easy. In addition, from what you decrible a little BYOB action will fit in perfectly with the mood and style of your wedding.

At the end of the day it's all about being a good host with what you have. Our budget is about $10k and guess what? My dress was $150 and I'm DIYing flowers because I'm putting the comfort of my guests before my pretty princess day. Too bad some of the girls with bigger budgets don't share that philosophy.

allisong23 · February 2010

I live in Massachusetts (Boston), and every wedding I have been to has been open bar. It is definitely not the norm that MA weddings are all cash bar, just as not all weddings are open bar.

Also, there are plenty of places, very nice places, that don't cost $50,000 in Massachusetts. It only costs that much if you want it to cost that much.

[Deleted User] · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:91c5a570-6cd7-428a-8b3e-b6c348156e1e">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : Obviously this is a situation where no bar or BYOB (which I think I read you are doing) wouldn't be judged. You're doing what you can to have a nice little party with the means that you have and you're making sacrifices left and right, which I know isn't easy. In addition, from what you decrible a little BYOB action will fit in perfectly with the mood and style of your wedding. At the end of the day it's all about being a good host with what you have. Our budget is about $10k and guess what? My dress was $150 and I'm DIYing flowers because I'm putting the comfort of my guests before my pretty princess day. Too bad some of the girls with bigger budgets don't share that philosophy.
Posted by agk0125[/QUOTE]

Well, at least someone understands where I'm coming from! I wish I had a 10K budget, I would so have a kick-ass wedding. But, we're pretty creative so I think ours will be a good time (luckily most of our guests are the backyard BBQ type). I'd rather give my guests an awesome meal with lots of buffet options than spring for a bar, so that's where our money is going.

Did you also get a bridesmaid dress? I've never seen a 'real' wedding dress for that cheap, I went with a BM dress because I'm not the traditional bride type. Plus my mother insisted on paying so there was no way I'd let her shell out thousands for a damn dress. And my bouquet is silk flowers and small silk butterflies (I want to keep it)--so much cheaper! but totally awesome because I designed it myself.

HappyTummy613 · February 2010

Was this the thread from which the tragedy card was deleted, or was it in the other long one?

buddhagouda · February 2010

Definitely this one. She couldn't pay for an open bar because of c-c-ca-cancer

snoangel79 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:d9195232-01e9-419e-b666-2bf427aec1b6">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]Definitely this one. She couldn't pay for an open bar because of c-c-ca-cancer
Posted by buddhagouda[/QUOTE]

OMG, I am having an open bar beer and wine whole night, premium liquor was alot for my budget I may rethink it if I can possibly do it but seriously Budha you are making fun of me for having cancer at 23... Cancer is not the same as AIDS by the way maybe it hasn't affected you yet ,your family, or friends but seriously you are going to make fun of me because of this?

HappyTummy613 · February 2010

No one is making fun of anyone for having cancer. But you will get mocked for inserting that fact simply to gain the upper hand in an argument.

snoangel79 · February 2010

ok sorry but seriously I was just defending the first girl, I am having an open bar I didn't even mean to paste on this board if it was so cruel

buddhagouda · February 2010

Dude, I'm not making fun of you for having cancer. Cancer sucks. You have no idea how I have or haven't been affected by cancer.

That being said, throwing out "I had cancer" is not going to help you win an argument unless the argument is over whether or not chemo is a viable treatment option or something equally relevant.

snoangel79 · February 2010

I wasn't trying to win an argument it just kind of made me mad that someone thinks they know my circumstances. I am doing everything I can to give my guests something nice and it will be open bar just not sure if I can afford the premium and was scared of the premium when I saw a friends wedding go over 18k for just the booze. yes I shouldn't have pulled that card it was my oops but I am new here and I guess I posted on the wrong board (the weddings I have gone to alot of people to cocktail hour or beer and wine paid for and if someone wants more they had to pay)
I'm not a bratty spoiled bride, I grew up lower middle class average all the way around. My bad for posting that but it was more of um I have different circumstances than some people on here (ie:my paycheck for about 3 years was like $5k for the whole year so it's hard to catch up and throw a good wedding even though I am 31(on the older side).

Lenore2010 · February 2010

Last shot: did someone here say that they were spending 50K on their wedding but could not "afford" an open bar??

Wow. 50K on a wedding? That is amazing. Don't even try to tell me-or anyone else you can't "afford" an open bar on a 50K budget. You just want something else. You want an awful lot if you are spending that much money.

It's your money, you get to spend it as you choose but please be honest. "Afford" is not a big consideration at all if you are spending 50K. Even in New York City, one of the most expenses places in the world to do anything, you could have an open bar for a few hundred people if you wished.

panda10 · February 2010

I'm with ya! Most weddings these days are cash bars! People really don't blink an eye to it, at least not where I'm from!
I think it's a great gesture to offer a free drink with dinner, or free drinks during cocktail hour.
I think it also allows for moderation for guests.... I know of so many weddings where 5-6 kegs are gone before the bride and groom leave!
Unfortunately because of the venue we choose, we are unable to sell liquor, so we will be serving the free drinks....

Do what's best for your wedding! It's yours and your grooms day!

banana468 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:717b5876-6368-43f2-918b-3d66e5ecc2c6">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with ya! Most weddings these days are cash bars! Posted by panda10[/QUOTE]

You may be able to say that's the norm for your social circle, but you can't go so far as to say that the norm is cash bars. Read the thread. MANY of us know that a cash bar would be unheard of.

Lenore2010 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:9caa6aa6-4b39-41db-b517-94dde4eeb6b8">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : You may be able to say that's the norm for your social circle, but you can't go so far as to say that the norm is cash bars. Read the thread. MANY of us know that a cash bar would be unheard of.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Here in Minneapolis, I have seen "partial cash bars". Beer and wine are served free, but hard liquor costs. In all three of the weddings I have seen this at (which included huge fancy dinners, expensive flowers and decor and obviously very expensives gowns, incidently) there was snarking about the cheapness of the bar. I have also seen two weddings where only beer/whine were served (free) with no hard liquor available. There were no complaints that I heard of.

AlmondWhittle · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:1c41c32c-8792-4ed1-8454-fddb15aa9e48">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : OMG, I am having an open bar beer and wine whole night, premium liquor was alot for my budget I may rethink it if I can possibly do it but seriously Budha you are making fun of me for having cancer at 23... Cancer is not the same as AIDS by the way maybe it hasn't affected you yet ,your family, or friends but seriously you are going to make fun of me because of this?
Posted by snoangel79[/QUOTE]

...did i miss someone saying cancer was the same as aids?

buddhagouda · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:eb95241c-7008-4bff-8915-e98c87c978fb">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent about open bars : ...did i miss someone saying cancer was the same as aids?
Posted by AlmondWhittle[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope. You missed her taking a joke way out of context. </div>

Kek123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-open-bars?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:bacaa063-9200-4f2a-bd51-824589d44040Post:b407b623-5d3b-4bb8-b615-52a23ff76a99">Re: Vent about open bars</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think calling her a moron helps. Some people dont feel comfortable being responsible for everyone drinking unlimited amounts of alcohol all night. Unless she is going to provide transportation or cabs home, i think her concern is fine. I am toying with the open bar too. I am definalty going to do the champagne toast and prob 3 hours open bar along with poured wine at the tables. There is nothing cheap about that. My reception is 6 hours long. Thats alot of drinking. I also dont think its cheap because you are giving them app's, food, entertainment, dessert and some alcohol. OP: Maybe you can host the bar for a few hours but host free soda's, juices, and bottled water for the whole reception. I do think making people pay $3 for a soda is silly. Its your money, do what you want with it.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Well said!! With no need to immaturely name call or belittle this person and her opinion. I couldn't agree more!!

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