Sister's +1

Christina Stranescu · December 2010

My sister, who is my bridesmaid and walking me down the aisle with my other sister, has just recently broken up with her boyfriend. He was invited to the wedding, and is obviously off the guest list now, but my sister has asked me if she could bring a (male) friend instead as her +1, so that she can have someone to dance with.

I've already said no, as to me a +1 is a parter, a significant other, not just an excuse to bring a friend along, but I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing? We are very tight on number of guests, but at the same time I want my sister to enjoy the day, though I don't entirely understand her need for an "escort". (my other sister is not bringing a +1...)

What are your thoughts?

MairePoppy · December 2010

Members of the wedding party should be given the courtesy of a +1. She was already bringing her ex, so it's not going to change your head count.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:e390e412-bd76-4b59-85c0-6332fc23c4ca">Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister, who is my bridesmaid and walking me down the aisle with my other sister, has just recently broken up with her boyfriend. He was invited to the wedding, and is obviously off the guest list now, but my sister has asked me if she could bring a (male) friend instead as her +1, so that she can have someone to dance with. I've already said no, as to me a +1 is a parter, a significant other, not just an excuse to bring a friend along, but I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing? We are very tight on number of guests, but at the same time I want my sister to enjoy the day, though I don't entirely understand her need for an "escort". (my other sister is not bringing a +1...) What are your thoughts?
Posted by Christina Stranescu[/QUOTE]
Nope, you're in the wrong here. Going to a party alone, especially a party filled with someone else's friends, sucks hardcore. "And guest" is just that: a guest. It doesn't at all imply that it's a romantic partner. When my dad and stepmom separated shortly before the wedding, I told him he could bring another guest instead. He was going to bring his sister, but his mom got sick so he ended up coming alone while she stayed behind to tend her.

I think you're being a callous sister and a bad hostess. You should apologize to her and tell her she can bring along whomever she would like.

orangecrush32 · December 2010

You had accounted for the ex, so why does it matter if she brings someone else? It's not like it's adding anyone. You should give both your sister's a +1.

sister2groom · December 2010

I don't think you're necessarily a bad hostess to not let her bring a +1. But really, it's one person and it would be tough to go to your sister's wedding just broken up and feeling very alone. Becuase she's your sister and you love her, can't you just give her this one? Especially since you'd already budgeted for a guest for her.

trix1223 · December 2010

My thoughts are that you're being pretty crappy to your sister. She's your sister for heaven's sake. AND she's in the WP for heaven's sake. AND you had her bf in your original headcount for heaven's sake.

Let her bring the friend. And be nicer to your sister.

tldh · December 2010

She should get a plus 1 if she is in the WP - it's not for you to judge. I remember breaking up with a BF after I had RSVP'd and taking a guy with whom I'd gone to college and barely knew. I happened to run into him the day of the wedding in a grocery store checkout line and asked him to go with me while the cashier was scanning his items.

filaw · December 2010

It sounds like the ex is still coming to the wedding, am I correct?

EDIT: nevermind, totally misread that "off the guestlist" as "on the guestlist". In that case OP, I think you should definitely let your sister bring her friend as her +1 in replacement of the ex's spot. My sister actually brought a friend as her +1 to our wedding. It was totally fine, and it definitely made for a much more fun experience for her.

ckonidak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:eafce0a9-fa4c-4512-8366-d297c0717f29">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you're necessarily a bad hostess to not let her bring a +1. But really, it's one person and it would be tough to go to your sister's wedding just broken up and feeling very alone. Becuase she's your sister and you love her, can't you just give her this one? Especially since you'd already budgeted for a guest for her.
Posted by sister2groom[/QUOTE]

This.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:4493729f-c822-486c-8d0d-d894b525acfe">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree that "Plus Ones" are mandatory, or that a bride is rude not to offer this. A wedding is an intimate occasion, not a social free-for-all. Most adults can easily get through a few hours by mingling with other adults. Anyone who can't get through this without a date has social issues. Most venues charge per person, and why should a couple spend money to entertain random people they don't even know (again, at a very personal and intimate occasion)? That "plus one" may mean the exclusion of someone very dear to the couple.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

But the OP was already counting on her sister bringing her b/f. So no extra people have been added, and therefore this argument is kind of null.

I also disagree that this is a "personal and intimate occasion." The second you start inviting guests, it isn't really intimate or that personal. Couples who want a very private wedding, should get married just the two of them or with parents only and not invite other people.
As the bride and groom, you are also party hosts. I do think it is poor to make someone come by themselves when they probably don't know anyone or many other people. That puts the guest in a very awkward position; I know; I've been there. I don't care how old you are, it is not fun to walk around awkwardly and stand off to the side while others are dancing b/c you don't know anyone to join in with or converse with. Especially if everyone else has a significant other with them, it's not like there will be a ton of singles just standing around to talk to. As someone who has had to go to multiple weddings where my FI was in the WP and I was not and we were separated for dinner, it is extremely NOT fun to sit and try to make awkward conversation with strangers.

Bottom line for me personally: if you want to invite guests, think of them and be considerate. If you don't want to, don't invite guests.

GoBucksOH · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:0d842f56-3646-4a88-b74a-58fcfa4b4aeb">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]You had accounted for the ex, so why does it matter if she brings someone else? It's not like it's adding anyone. You should give both your sister's a +1.
Posted by orangecrush32[/QUOTE]

THIS.

I am not understanding why its such an issue to you if she brings someone?

mrsjustinm2b · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:4493729f-c822-486c-8d0d-d894b525acfe">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree that "Plus Ones" are mandatory, or that a bride is rude not to offer this. A wedding is an intimate occasion, not a social free-for-all. Most adults can easily get through a few hours by mingling with other adults. Anyone who can't get through this without a date has social issues. Most venues charge per person, and why should a couple spend money to entertain random people they don't even know (again, at a very personal and intimate occasion)? That "plus one" may mean the exclusion of someone very dear to the couple.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

this!

Christina Stranescu · December 2010

Thanks for all your thoughts - I had budgeted for my sister's b/f, but we are very tight on guests, so was thinking about it from a purely logistical point of view.

I understand about people being uncomfortable if they do not know anyone else at a wedding, and a lot of our guests are bringing partners. My sister on the other hand will know a lot of people at the wedding (family, family friends), and she would not be sitting next to her +1 at the dinner anyway, as she will be on the top table and he would not. Her argument is that she wants someone there to dance with, I think there will be plenty of people for her to dance with (particularly as we are having a ceilidh)

But maybe I am rationalising this too much, and should just let her bring her friend...

bdulli13 · December 2010

She's part of your wedding party. She gets a plus one no matter who she brings. Imagine having to sit through someone's happy wedding while you're still reeling from your bad breakup. While everyone around you has guests. While your family is asking awkward questions about why things went south because you're sitting there and it's the perfect opportunity for conversation and sympathies that she may not want.

That said, if this were a regular guest, I would say no, she does not need a plus one necessarily. We have several people invited without guests, who, if they end up in a serious relationship between now and our wedding, will gladly be invited with a guest. But we don't want random strangers and flings there (Our wedding is 120 family and 20 friends. People will know people).

The exception to the plus one rule is always your wedding party. These people are spending time and money to be there for you-- the least you can do is make them comfortable. Believe me, it is really not worth the argument with your sister.

trix1223 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:59be5a7a-60fb-4b03-b41e-e73b300f321e">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your thoughts - I had budgeted for my sister's b/f, but we are very tight on guests, so was thinking about it from a purely logistical point of view. I understand about people being uncomfortable if they do not know anyone else at a wedding, and a lot of our guests are bringing partners. My sister on the other hand will know a lot of people at the wedding (family, family friends), and she would not be sitting next to her +1 at the dinner anyway, as she will be on the top table and he would not. Her argument is that she wants someone there to dance with, I think there will be plenty of people for her to dance with (particularly as we are having a ceilidh) But maybe I am rationalising this too much, and should just let her bring her friend...
Posted by Christina Stranescu[/QUOTE]

Let's move on to the issue that you're having what appears to be the old, outdated, "head table" where just the WP sits, and their dates sit elsewhere.

Please re-think this. It's really rude to separate anyone from their date. I've seen one old fashioned head table in the last couple of decades, and there was so much else wrong with that wedding, that the head table was among the least egregious things about it.

jerseydevil · December 2010

It's not your place to judge your sister's relationship to her guest. She is not exactly dragging someone off the street. She is your sister and was counting on having a dance partner. I don't think she is being unreasonable at all. Let her bring a friend.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:59be5a7a-60fb-4b03-b41e-e73b300f321e">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your thoughts - I had budgeted for my sister's b/f, but we are very tight on guests, so was thinking about it from a purely logistical point of view. I understand about people being uncomfortable if they do not know anyone else at a wedding, and a lot of our guests are bringing partners. My sister on the other hand will know a lot of people at the wedding (family, family friends), and she would not be sitting next to her +1 at the dinner anyway, as she will be on the top table and he would not. Her argument is that she wants someone there to dance with, I think there will be plenty of people for her to dance with (particularly as we are having a ceilidh) But maybe I am rationalising this too much, and should just let her bring her friend...
Posted by Christina Stranescu[/QUOTE]
None of your guests should be separated from their dates. I've never heard any good reason to have a head table, and there are roughly 3.5 billion reasons why they suck. Again, part of being a good hostess is doing everything possible to ensure that your guests are comfortable and enjoying the party. Trying to dictate who her already invited plus-one is, and separating guests from the people they actually want to be with, are pretty much the opposite of that.

Christina Stranescu · December 2010

It won't be a toptable in the sense of us facing every body so that they can all see us. I would feel very awkward with all those eyes on me, watching me eat!!

Tables will be circular, but ours will only have our closest family members (parents, siblings), and the groom's best man (my bridesmaids are my sisters anyway), so it would be very weird to have my sister's friend (if he is invited) at our table...

Christina Stranescu · December 2010

Thinking about it from this friend's point of view, would it not be weird for him, if other guests ask what his connection to the bride or groom is, to respond "I'm a friend of the groom's sister"?? Every other guest is either family, close family friends, or close friends of ours...

calindi · December 2010

No, it probably wouldn't be weird for him. If he felt uncomfortable, it's his right to decline. You're trying to give someone else an excuse to make yourself feel better about refusing to let her bring him.

Listen, I think it's a small hill to choose to die on. If your sister would feel more comfortable for whatever reason having a date, then I'd just let her have one. It's not worth the battle or the hurt feelings. You have no idea why she might want this - did it occur to you that, having recently broken up with a boyfriend, she feels intimidated to go to her sister's wedding alone? It might be difficult for her to face the, "Oh, sweetie, don't worry - your time will come" comments without at least a friend by her side to act as a date.

For what it's worth, my head table will be our siblings and their significant others. If you were in a wedding party and your FI was asked to sit at a table where he didn't know anyone, you'd both feel awkward about that, yes? Don't do that to others. Couples should sit together. Plan your seating chart around that rule however you want, but couples should sit together.

filaw · December 2010

Do you know the friend at all? The friend my sister brought, while, I wouldn't have called him one of my close friends, I knew him and he was a liked acquaintance. I had a table where the WP sat with their dates, all of whom were very close friends, except my sister's date who was just a nice friend. Does that make sense? Anyway, it was fine having him there from my perspective, because everything was such a whirlwind anyway. I think he and the other WP members had fun when I wasn't at the table (I was greeting) but then the whole WP was a very social bunch and so was he.

I think he was pretty bored before the wedding and during pictures, though. But my sis did appreciate having an exclusive dance partner.

On the other hand, another of my BM's came without a date, and I think she had a fun time dancing. Most of us were dancing in a group most of the time anyway, and she "stole" another BM's dance partner for a couple dances. So it really depends.

If there's a possibility for you sis to bring someone that knows you and the family, at least a little, that's probably the best solution. That barred, I would suggest you talk to her and see how strongly she feels about it. If she *really* wants to bring someone, I probably would let her, because she's your sister, and you don't want her to feel unhappy or resentful about it.

aerinpegadrak · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:4ce4d080-b5ad-416a-8072-241cc155df77">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]It won't be a toptable in the sense of us facing every body so that they can all see us. I would feel very awkward with all those eyes on me, watching me eat!! Tables will be circular, but ours will only have our closest family members (parents, siblings), and the groom's best man (my bridesmaids are my sisters anyway), so it would be very weird to have my sister's friend (if he is invited) at our table...
Posted by Christina Stranescu[/QUOTE]
So then seat them separately with dates if you don't want him at your table. Any seating plan that separates your guests from their dates shouldn't be under consideration, period. The reception is not for you, it's for the guests.

Ditto calindi, you're just making excuses for yourself at this point, and trying to justify your bad decision.

bdulli13 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:7d75246b-b29f-4616-bda4-36b5e145ccaf">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]No, it probably wouldn't be weird for him. If he felt uncomfortable, it's his right to decline. You're trying to give someone else an excuse to make yourself feel better about refusing to let her bring him. Listen, I think it's a small hill to choose to die on. If your sister would feel more comfortable for whatever reason having a date, then I'd just let her have one. It's not worth the battle or the hurt feelings. You have no idea why she might want this - did it occur to you that, having recently broken up with a boyfriend, she feels intimidated to go to her sister's wedding alone? It might be difficult for her to face the, "Oh, sweetie, don't worry - your time will come" comments without at least a friend by her side to act as a date. For what it's worth, my head table will be our siblings and their significant others. If you were in a wedding party and your FI was asked to sit at a table where he didn't know anyone, you'd both feel awkward about that, yes? Don't do that to others. Couples should sit together. Plan your seating chart around that rule however you want, but couples should sit together.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

This exactly.

mkrupar · December 2010

Your sister just broke up with her boyfriend. Do you really think she's all that comfortable going to your wedding alone? I realize that everyone else on the guest list is friend & family (did you not allow others a +1?), but is this really a battle you want to have?

Seriously rethink your head table idea. I realize it's not the table where you all face the rest of the guests, but separating people from their dates/SOs is a really crappy thing to do when you're celebrating a day that brings people together.

Retread - While I agree that +1's aren't mandatory for guests, I do think that WP members should be allowed one.

ehathewa · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:3228432d-9be3-4700-9190-608f2a999777">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]My thoughts are that you're being pretty crappy to your sister. She's your sister for heaven's sake. AND she's in the WP for heaven's sake. AND you had her bf in your original headcount for heaven's sake. Let her bring the friend. And be nicer to your sister.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what I thought too!

deb84 · December 2010

Do not EVER seperate guest from their dates. That is horrible. I know you aren't having a head table but what you are doing is just as bad. Dates sit together NO MATTER WHAT. And yes, let your sister have a +1.
Question: If she would have brought her boyfriend would you have made them sit at seperate tables for the dinner?! UGH!

deepcovejackie · December 2010

I think you're in the wrong here. Your sister is important to you, I'm assuming. She's just had a break-up. She would like to bring a friend. It doesn't change your numbers. She should have a +1.

Wedding party members should be seated with their dates/SO's in my opinion.

ckonidak · December 2010

Christina, you've had multiple posters tell you to not only allow your sisters +1, but that a head table, or whatever you feel like designating it, is a poor choice.

What you do is up to you, but at least take into consideration that almost every post here is telling you to re-think this situation. Learn to appreciate good advice from people that are unbiased. I think you may be only considering this from your own/#'s point of view, not from your sister's or your guests, which is also very important.

Christina Stranescu · December 2010

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm taking it all on board, and will discuss this further with fiance.

Cheers, have a good Christmas all.

mrsjustinm2b · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_sisters-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:f2b8db70-c7ba-403f-bfad-72251812cddbPost:396868b5-9d15-4cbc-82f5-cc146c57b495">Re: Sister's +1</a>:
[QUOTE]Where did the bride get the idea that people have to be put on display? it's horribly awkward....so many eyes watching every forkful of food that goes into your mouth. Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

OMG i know....unfortunatly for me MIL is paying and saying when it comes to the stupid head table thing. All our WP except my sister are married couples though so we are not splittling them up but I'm pretty sure Ill be sticking to all white food since someone will scope out the drop cloth I usuallly require when wearing anything white or expensive.

on a side note... (suspicions that the not white dress trend got so hot cause im not the only one who cant seem to feed myself lol )

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