should i let my dad walk me down the aisle?

purpleheartRN · May 2010

First, thank you for reading this. I really appreciate your time and consideration!

Second....

When I was a teenager, i found out that my dad physically abused my mom, on top of the verbal abuse I had witnessed throughout my life. When my parents divorced, I lived with my mom and didn't talk to my dad for over a year. Then, my mom encouraged me to not cut all ties to him, because after all, 'he is my father...'

My mom has moved on, and so has my dad, but my dad is an angry person, and he is manipulative. Having said that, he's perfect whenever he's in a good mood, but he is a beast when he is upset or things aren't going his way. He's a control freak.

At age 22, I have chosen to limit his involvement in my life. I see him every month or so, for dinner or whatever. My little brother still lives with him, and i obviously don't want to write him off, but it makes it hard because he is with my dad, and my dad is there, and i don't want to be around my dad...

I'll never forgive him for what he did to my mom. But, I've moved on and I can be civil and courtenous when I'm around him. I just have to bite my tongue.

In addition...my fiance thinks he is a giant you-know-what, and he would prefer to write him off. He hates how he manipulates everyone in his life, and he thinks i should say goodbye for good.

Now... Do I let him walk me down the aisle? He was upset when my fiance didn't ask him for permission to marry me (my dad sometimes mentions it....) So, he is obviously expecting to play a traditional role in this wedding, and walk his only daughter down the asile.

However, he doesn't have the right to give me away. He gave me away a long time ago when he chose to hurt my mom, and I'm not ready to let that go.

Does my fiance want my jerk of a father giving me away to him? It wouldn't be fair to my fiance.

however, I don't want to hurt my dad's feelings by taking away his 'only' opportunity to do this. I'm not so cold that I don't care about him. I just don't want to give him something he doesn't deserve.

Also, he is supposed to be paying for part of this wedding, and hasn't...

Do I let him walk me down the aisle? I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with it, and my fiance wouldn't like to see me on his arm, either.

OR, do I walk myself down the aisle and hurt my dad's feelings. I feel selfish doing that. This wedding isn't all about me...it's about my family, too. How could i make him feel included, otherwise?

Any advice? What would you do?

Please help!

xheddyx · May 2010

I undertand you situation completetly. I am in a similiar one. You have to do what you think is best for you and your new husband. Make the decision that you will not regret. I would also say not to accept any financial help from him for the wedding if he will not be playing a role in it. My mom will be walking me down the aisle.

SeleenaJuliet · May 2010

For a situation like this it sounds like it's all or nothing. I don't think that there is a lesser role you can give him to replace being able to walk you down the aisle. For him it probably would feel like a slap in the face. You also mentioned that he is supposed to be paying for a part of the wedding. Don't count on that if he doesn't walk you. I say tell him sorry but no.

I hear what your saying, my father wasn't there for me growing up and partially resurfaced in my life when I was 18. My older sister had our grandfather walk her down the aisle but invited our father to the wedding and he attended. I'm going to walk by myself and give myself away.

klensing · May 2010

I am in a VERY similar situation. My father and I had a pretty good relationship when I was growing up (despite my parent's divorce when I was 3, they remained civil, even friends and he a part of my mom's family's lives). My senior year in college he started dating a woman, and married her 3 months in. He called me the night before the "wedding" and told me I could "come if I wanted" (he was 3 hours away). He changed, drastically, around that time. Eight months later, there was an issue with my college graduation, it was going to rain and I did not have enough tickets for the new wife, whom I had met once, to sit under the tent with the rest of the family. My father freaked, and then calmed down and I said I would be fine with him being on the oustide watching with the wife, I just wanted him there. I talked to him the night before graduation and things were fine, however, I got a phone call from my SISTER not him as I was putting on my cap and gown the next morning, telling me that my father had decided not to come. I was DEVASTATED. I didn't talk to him for a few years...and now we're here. I have tried to rebuild a relationship with him, but he has proven time and again that he switches on and off. I told him after I got engaged that my mother would walk me down the aisle and that if things changed with he and I, I would love to have him be a part of it with her. A few weeks ago, while discussing the engagement party, he lost it. He told me that not walking me down the aisle was a sign that I don't respect him and that he would not let my mother and I make a fool of him like that. I am not sure what to do. I don't think I can have him there and have him not walk me down the aisle, but he keeps proving that he doesn't get it, that this isn't about him. I need to make a decision, but it seems impossible.

Neeter59 · May 2010

How about letting him start to walk you down the aisle, then going ahead of you, and you go the rest of the way on your own. I saw this on a wedding show and thought it was awesome, because it symbolized the father, not giving the daughter away, but showing his support of his grown, independent daughter as she starts her new life.

should i let my dad walk me down the aisle?

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