Am I bugging my guests?

Chiibride · December 2009

Wow. well I am certainly going to apologize to my friends for what I've done. Not only am I crying right now, but I just don't even want to do it anymore. I am not a rude person. My intentions were not to be rude at all. My RSVP date was December 20th for the people I sent invitations to. As of right now, I haven't invited more people than I can afford. I just think if you are out of state, and you KNOW you are not going to come fly all the way out here for my wedding, just RSVP no so that I can have a space for someone else.I'm sorry I annoyed everyone, I'm in a crappy situation right now. BTW when I say that i reminded people, I put a post of Facebook hinting not to forget about the RSVP. But it's established. I suck.

I am getting married on February 27th, 2010, and I have sent my invitations out already. I know I sent them out very early, but the situation with my reception site (it is a restaurants banquet room) is that I can only fit 66 people, we can really only afford 50 people, but our contract states that we have to pay for 40 wether or not 40 show up. This list of people I wanted to invite is a little larger than what I can afford. So I sent out a wave of invitations to my A list, hoping to get a response if they are coming or not. If they aren't coming, then I would like to invite people from my B list. But I dont want people to not RSVP and then show up and I will have no choice but to turn them away. I have tried via e-mail to ask each person if they THINK they will attend, and I politely hinted again that no one has RSVP'd yet. I was thinking that my OOT and out of state guests would know if they want to/could make the trip by now. How do I not be a pest but let people know that I NEED them to RSVP. Any help woudl be appreciated, thanks!

laurenclaire1386 · December 2009

There is so much wrong with this.

You should have invited the number of guests you can afford, and the number of guests you can fit in your venue. Period. Not only are you probably bugging the livingshit out of your guests already, but you sound terribly rude as well.

lyndausvi · December 2009

Yes you are. People are deciding these things last minute, not 2 months ahead of time.

I'm sorry you put yourself in this position, but IMO you need to back off and let them RSVP by the due date given.

danieliza1127 · December 2009

I think it's way too early to expect guests to know for sure if they can make it or not. Your plan is a little faulty in my opinion. You should only invite the number of guests you can fit in your venue and afford.

If you put an "rsvp by" date on the reply card, then you need to wait until that has passed before you start contacting people and asking them if they're coming.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

This is kind of confusing. But, a few things:

- If any guest shows up without an RSVP, venue limits or not, they should be expected to be turned away

- When is your first RSVP date for your "A" list (ugh)?

- Did you invite more people than your venue can hold? Because that is a recipe for disaster.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

Oh my lord. Seriously?? You SERIOUSLY did that?! You should have come here first. I'm in total shock.

You're going to have to relax because no one gives a crap about your wedding right now. It's Christmas time, people are with their families-- leave them alone. This is totally your fault for thinking up this crazy scheme as it is, you have to deal with the consequences.

FutureMrsTR · December 2009

You let them know you need them to RSVP by putting an RSVP date on the invitation. If that hasn't passed yet, they still have time and you should let them be. Especially over the holidays. Another reason why an A list and a B list is a bad idea.

mocha beans · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bugging-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec4317d8-31ff-42b8-ba80-0bcd061cbaf1Post:a35bbd99-9afa-4b2f-86d3-b25fdc1478e4">Am I bugging my guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married on February 27th, 2010, and I have sent my invitations out already. I know I sent them out very early, but the situation with my reception site (it is a restaurants banquet room) is that I can only fit 66 people, we can really only afford 50 people, but our contract states that we have to pay for 40 wether or not 40 show up. This list of people I wanted to invite is a little larger than what I can afford. So I sent out a wave of invitations to my A list, hoping to get a response if they are coming or not. If they aren't coming, then I would like to invite people from my B list. But I dont want people to not RSVP and then show up and I will have no choice but to turn them away. I have tried via e-mail to ask each person if they THINK they will attend, and I politely hinted again that no one has RSVP'd yet. I was thinking that my OOT and out of state guests would know if they want to/could make the trip by now. How do I not be a pest but let people know that I NEED them to RSVP. Any help woudl be appreciated, thanks!
Posted by Chiibride[/QUOTE]

QFT

And yes, you've done just about everything wrong you could possibly do. Not everyone can or wants to give you an answer 2+ months in advance; it's Christmas time, people are busy with the holidays and probably don't want to contemplate spending more money and time off in the future at the moment. You just need to be patient and wait for them to tell you, you can't force them to give you an answer yet.

As far as inviting more than you can afford, you better come up with a backup financing plan, because if you invited them and they show up, you can't turn them away. Unless you want to effectively shred the relationship. They've probably spent money on a gift, taking time off from work, travel expenses, possibly bought new clothes, only to get there and be sent home without a bite to eat. I would be livid, and I'd be sure you knew about it (though probably not right there, but at some point).

Pirata13 · December 2009

Um, yeah, yes you are. Your wedding is 2 months away, it's Christmas, and it is nowhere near when people should be RSVPing. There is a crapton wrong with this scenario, but I'll just let it be at saying yes, you are bugging your guests.

lpstl · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bugging-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec4317d8-31ff-42b8-ba80-0bcd061cbaf1Post:a35bbd99-9afa-4b2f-86d3-b25fdc1478e4">Am I bugging my guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married on February 27th, 2010, and I have sent my invitations out already. I know I sent them out very early, but the situation with my reception site (it is a restaurants banquet room) is that I can only fit 66 people, we can really only afford 50 people, but our contract states that we have to pay for 40 wether or not 40 show up. This list of people I wanted to invite is a little larger than what I can afford. So I sent out a wave of invitations to my A list, hoping to get a response if they are coming or not. If they aren't coming, then I would like to invite people from my B list. But I dont want people to not RSVP and then show up and I will have no choice but to turn them away. I have tried via e-mail to ask each person if they THINK they will attend, and I politely hinted again that no one has RSVP'd yet. I was thinking that my OOT and out of state guests would know if they want to/could make the trip by now. How do I not be a pest but let people know that I NEED them to RSVP. Any help woudl be appreciated, thanks!
Posted by Chiibride[/QUOTE]

When is your RSVP date? Unless that's passed it's completely inappropriate for you to harass people about a response.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

What a mess.

salt78 · December 2009

I'm sorry, but you can't get married on that day or I will consider you a thunderstealer. I'm sure your guests couldn't be any more annoyed with you then they already are if you changed the date.

Brie2010 · December 2009

Just send them a note, "I'm ridiculous and invited more people than the venue can hold/we can afford. Please, plan your life 10 weeks in advance so I can invite people we don't like as much as you and bail me out!"

squirrly · December 2009

You're irritating your guests, AND a whole message board full of brides. Did you give them an RSVP date? My guess - you'll get some RSVPs in the first couple of weeks of January, once people figure out exactly how much Christmas cost them and whether they got a year end bonus.

Just wait. Go have some Christmas cookies and cocoa, and chill out. Enjoy the holidays. And stay away from your email.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

Um, the RSVP card and date are more than enough. That's how you ask people to respond. Anything more is overkill.

JK10910 · December 2009

Typically the best way to figure out when guests are coming is to wait until a few days past the RSVP date (I'm assuming you have one--or two, in this case--of those), and then start calling people and politely letting them know you need a head count for the venue and you haven't gotten their response yet. I don't see how it would be any different in your case, ridiculously early invites or not.

polichik · December 2009

I still want to know when the RSVP by date is. If it's passed, you're within your rights to call them, although a) that's a pretty early reply-by date, and b) it's a few days before Christmas, so I'd wait until after the new year.

Chiibride · December 2009

Wow. well I am certianly going to apologize to my friends for what I've done. Not only am I crying right now, but I just don't even want to do it anymore. I am not a rude person. My intentions were not to be rude at all. My RSVP date was December 20th for the people I sent invitations to. As of right now, I haven't invited more people than I can afford. I just think if you are out of state, and you KNOW you are not going to come fly all the way out here for my wedding, just RSVP no so that I can have a space for someone else.I'm sorry I annoyed everyone, I'm in a crappy situation right now. BTW when I say that i reminded people, I put a post of Facebook hinting not to forget about the RSVP. But it's established. I suck.

polichik · December 2009

You're not a horrible person, and your friends don't hate you. It can be easy for brides to lose perspective when planning a wedding... You're certainly not the first.

If I were you, I'd just let it go until January 5th or so. Give people a chance to enjoy the holidays, and chances are, several people will reply between now and then. It's usually smart to give people a week or two after the RSVP date until you call them (lots of people send in RSVPs by the date but they arrive late). Since your date was a bit early, you could even wait a bit longer.

Everything's going to work out ok!

ThePinkSuperhero · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bugging-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec4317d8-31ff-42b8-ba80-0bcd061cbaf1Post:9f492700-ba90-41c1-8b21-2d3f6a7717a7">Re: Am I bugging my guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. well I am certianly going to apologize to my friends for what I've done. Not only am I crying right now, but I just don't even want to do it anymore. I am not a rude person. My intentions were not to be rude at all. My RSVP date was December 20th for the people I sent invitations to. As of right now, I haven't invited more people than I can afford. I just think if you are out of state, and you KNOW you are not going to come fly all the way out here for my wedding, just RSVP no so that I can have a space for someone else.I'm sorry I annoyed everyone, I'm in a crappy situation right now. BTW when I say that i reminded people, I put a post of Facebook hinting not to forget about the RSVP. But it's established. I suck.
Posted by Chiibride[/QUOTE]

You don't have to apologize. Just leave them alone about it.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

Poli wins for nicest knottie!

salt78 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bugging-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec4317d8-31ff-42b8-ba80-0bcd061cbaf1Post:9f492700-ba90-41c1-8b21-2d3f6a7717a7">Re: Am I bugging my guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not only am I crying right now, but I just don't even want to do it anymore.
Posted by Chiibride[/QUOTE]

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goheels05 · December 2009

Oh wow, this is classic. Thanks for the laugh!

Guyzzzz, they didn't even get her passive-aggressive stab on Facebook to hurry up and RSVP!!!!

mocha beans · December 2009

Oh you don't need to cry about it or anything, this is hardly worth crying about. Yes, you screwed up and made a dumb move, but no sense in getting all emotional. Just stop asking people about what their plans are and let them let you know.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

Oh relax.

Chiibride · December 2009

You know Amoro you are SUCH an expert on this. I wonder how many times youve been married now you are such an authority. You ask why I didnt come on here before? I ask why I came on here at all. I dont think half of you understood the situation (my fault for not speaking English), for the rest of you with nicer responses, Thank You. For the five people on Facebook I bothered, I apologized to them, but Im still upset that they KNOW wether they are coming or not, but they wont just tell me. My wedding is going to be fine. I will invite 66 people. Im fine if 66 people show up, I wont die. i really dont want to pay for people that DONT show up, but if I have to, no biggie. Im over it, im over you guys. Thanks a lot for making this a place where people can get help.

squirrly · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bugging-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec4317d8-31ff-42b8-ba80-0bcd061cbaf1Post:ff72fe88-0062-4096-a185-71840f1aa395">Re: Am I bugging my guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]You know Amoro you are SUCH an expert on this. I wonder how many times youve been married now you are such an authority. You ask why I didnt come on here before? I ask why I came on here at all. I dont think half of you understood the situation (my fault for not speaking English), for the rest of you with nicer responses, Thank You. For the five people on Facebook I bothered, I apologized to them, but Im still upset that they KNOW wether they are coming or not, but they wont just tell me. My wedding is going to be fine. I will invite 66 people. Im fine if 66 people show up, I wont die. i really dont want to pay for people that DONT show up, but if I have to, no biggie. Im over it, im over you guys. Thanks a lot for making this a place where people can get help.
Posted by Chiibride[/QUOTE]

Really?

We understood your 'situation.' We really did. You sent your invites too early, and you requested RSVPs WAY, WAY too early. The REASONABLE deadline for RSVPs for your Feb 27 wedding would have been Jan 27. Your deadline was over a month early. There's a REASON for why you shouldn't ask guests to RSVP more than a month out. Many of them, actually.

<ul><li>Some people don't know their finances that far out</li><li>Some can't request vacation that early</li><li>Some may have ailing family members & not be sure if they can travel away from them</li><li>Some may have health issues of their own</li></ul>
All of this is doubly compounded during the holidays, which are expensive & stressful for many people.

So, yes, you should leave your guests alone. When it's a more reasonable time, you can contact them if they've still not RSVP'd.

And, if you had lurked here, you would know that people who ask obvious questions aren't really given the benefit of the doubt.

lyndausvi · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bugging-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ec4317d8-31ff-42b8-ba80-0bcd061cbaf1Post:9f492700-ba90-41c1-8b21-2d3f6a7717a7">Re: Am I bugging my guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. well I am certianly going to apologize to my friends for what I've done. Not only am I crying right now, but I just don't even want to do it anymore. I am not a rude person. My intentions were not to be rude at all. My RSVP date was December 20th for the people I sent invitations to. As of right now, I haven't invited more people than I can afford. I just think if you are out of state, and you KNOW you are not going to come fly all the way out here for my wedding, just RSVP no so that I can have a space for someone else.I'm sorry I annoyed everyone, I'm in a crappy situation right now. BTW when I say that i reminded people, I put a post of Facebook hinting not to forget about the RSVP. But it's established. I suck.
Posted by Chiibride[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry this is really stressing your out. You just have to realize that a lot of people will not make the decision this far out. Yes some people will be able to. Others (like me) would not be able to tell you until closer to the event.

Ironicaly one reason I can't tell you is I work at a resort. We are finding so many people are now make last minute (4 weeks or less) bookings to come on vacation we might not be able to attend because we are so busy at work.

I actually met 6 people tonight who decide last week to come here for the holiday. Now I'm not saying someone would do that for a wedding. My point is we are find fewer people making vacation plans months and months out like they use to and are waiting until the last 'minute'.

Theresa626 · December 2009

I think the girls on here are being unnessescarily bitchy. Remember, these are strangers on the internet who don't know your family, your friends or your situation. Please don't let their strong opinions make you feel so terrible.

Furthermore, the fact that guests didn't respond by the RSVP date is slightly rude on their part but understandable because it's the holidays andt they are distracted. I don't think having an A and a B list is all that uncommon and though it's sometimes considered rude, I certainly don't think you are as inconsiderate as the people on this board like to make you seem. I swear, I think people get a rise out of making other people feel bad. I also don't think it's that horrible of you to call them AFTER the holidays and ask them if they're coming. I would call though because clearly, the email wasn't a good response tool. When you call, you might explain that the venue has a very early deposit date or something like that so they understand that you have to put money down soon.

Jay+Marissa · December 2009

Well, duh, they are being unnecessarily bitchy--it's P&E. Or I guess just "E" now. That's what they do, and these are the posts they live for. I'm not going to say what the OP did wasn't a little stupid, but look at her post count--she wasn't expecting the overly harsh reaction and obviously hasn't lurked.

I think it is stupid to chastise someone for not lurking on the national ETIQUETTE board of a major wedding website before asking an ETIQUETTE question...who wants to sit and lurk for days before asking a question that is on their mind right now?

banana468 · December 2009

I think the larger issue is that the OP could have saved herself a lot of heartache if she lurked prior to even creating the invitations Jay+Marissa. That's actually the crucial issue here. Unfortunately what's done is done but what she did was actually really inappropriate to her guests.

1) The response date is very early for her guests.

2) Pestering people to respond, even on FB, if prior to the response date is not appropriate. Particularly during the holiday season when MANY people have booked schedules, being asked to respond prior to the response date is actually rude on the part of the bride and groom. She really does owe them a phone call (NOT another FB message) saying, "Hey we got carried away with invitations and I'm sorry if we came across as pushy. We hope to see you there!"

3) A/B lists can be done in an OK manner but again, in this way, it can be viewed as rude and it appears that the B list will be the last few fillers so that they make sure they're paying for the minimum 40 people. If the A list was already more than that then there can only be so many B list invitations which also means that this may not handled so well.

The bottom line now is that what's done is done and she needs to get creative with her solutions in case people DO decide they're all going to attend. If people all say yes after the response date, she can't say, "Well it's after the response date so you're no longer welcome." She has to figure out a way to welcome these guests.

And Jay+Marissa what does your post exactly accomplish except to throw stones at the other people who gave the OP advice (even if that advice was harsh)? The only possible business it seems to serve is to stir up drama since you haven't offered any advice of your own to the OP.

Am I bugging my guests?

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