Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...

klg33087 · April 2012

Ok, I'm planning my wedding for December of this year...our guest list is over 200 people, but due to budget being very tight we are only have a reception for our family members and a few very close friends.

My concern is how to word this on our invitation. I do not want to offend anyone, but we have to keep our reception down to 150 people to afford it. Most of our reception people are our family (we both have fairly big families) but we have very close friends that we spend a great deal of time with that we want at the reception as well.

Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all. So please, do not "yell" at me for having to chose a closed reception.

All I am looking for is help in wording my invitation!

Thank you

Snippylynn · April 2012

If you don't have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception, don't invite them to the wedding. That's it.

We couldn't afford the 150 people we wanted, so we cut the entire list to the 70 we COULD afford. Very simple.

button6004 · April 2012

I'm not yelling at you, but it is less rude to not invite someone than it is to invite someone to the ceremony only. I would be pretty offended if I was sitting next to someone at your ceremony who was invited to the reception when I wasnt. Cut back on your guest list.

ETA: Frankly, there is no appropriate way to word on your invitation "sorry, but 50+ of you cant come to our reception."

Snippylynn · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:58dc663c-3070-4236-86e4-45eb744258fb">Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm planning my wedding for December of this year...our guest list is over 200 people, but due to budget being very tight we are only have a reception for our family members and a few very close friends. My concern is how to word this on our invitation. I do not want to offend anyone, but we have to keep our reception down to 150 people to afford it. Most of our reception people are our family (we both have fairly big families) but we have very close friends that we spend a great deal of time with that we want at the reception as well. Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all. So please, do not "yell" at me for having to chose a closed reception. All I am looking for is help in wording my invitation! Thank you
Posted by klg33087[/QUOTE]
Because I know where this is going.

sparent2010 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:58dc663c-3070-4236-86e4-45eb744258fb">Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm planning my wedding for December of this year...our guest list is over 200 people, but due to budget being very tight we are only have a reception for our family members and a few very close friends. My concern is how to word this on our invitation. I do not want to offend anyone, but we have to keep our reception down to 150 people to afford it. Most of our reception people are our family (we both have fairly big families) but we have very close friends that we spend a great deal of time with that we want at the reception as well. Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all. So please, do not "yell" at me for having to chose a closed reception. All I am looking for is help in wording my invitation! Thank you
Posted by klg33087[/QUOTE]

My advice is to cut your guest list. I have no advice on how to word your invites so you don't look like a jerk.

You can also have just a cake and punch reception earlier in the day (during a non-meal time).

littleluckypenny · April 2012

Sorry, if you can only afford to have 150 people at the reception, then you invite 150 to the ceremony (or intimate ceremony). Part of being an adult is making hard decisions.

baystateapple · April 2012

"We really would like you to come to our wedding, but you're not quite good enough for us to spend the money on for a reception."

HTH.

polichik · April 2012

Let me spell this out for you. When you come onto an etiquette board and ask us to refrain from informing you that you're committing a huge breach of etiquette, you're setting up everyone in the situation to be pissed off. You know what you're doing is wrong, and you don't seem to care. All I can say is that some brides have an extremely inflated sense of self importance and think that everyone you know will be devastated to not get invited to the ceremony. They might be sad to not get invited, but a brief disappointment is much better than total insult and outrage at being a second tier guest. Really think about this.

Habs2Hart · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:58dc663c-3070-4236-86e4-45eb744258fb">Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm planning my wedding for December of this year...our guest list is over 200 people, but due to budget being very tight we are only have a reception for our family members and a few very close friends. My concern is how to word this on our invitation. I do not want to offend anyone, but we have to keep our reception down to 150 people to afford it. Most of our reception people are our family (we both have fairly big families) but we have very close friends that we spend a great deal of time with that we want at the reception as well. Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all. So please, do not "yell" at me for having to chose a closed reception. All I am looking for is help in wording my invitation! Thank you
Posted by klg33087[/QUOTE]

We don't validate bad ideas, so you are on the wrong board. We understand lots of people don't have the budget for 200 ppl, we sure didn't. So we invited only those we could afford to feed to entire wedding. Tiered weddings ARE incredibly rude, there's no way around it. It's less rude to leave them off the guest list all together than to only invite some to the ceremony.

What about those 50 that don't get fed? When they are standing around talking before and after the ceremony and someone who is invited says "I wonder what we'll be having for dinner?" and the other person says "dinner? What dinner? We were only invited to the ceremony. I didn't know there was a reception", then what? How rude is it then? How do you think they will feel?

RebeccaB88 · April 2012

We can't tell you the polite way to do something rude. I'm sorry.

Just determine the number of people you can afford to invite to everything, and go with it. If 150 is the magic number, then that's how many you invite. You won't offend people by doing it that way. There's really nothing wrong with not being able to include everyone, even though it does suck because you really do want to include everyone. Most reasonable people will understand that you have a budget and you can only do so much with that. Everyone here has a budget of some kind. I know that I would understand not being included at all way more than I'd understand only being good enough to invite to part of the celebration.

If you don't want people to tell you your plan is rude, I think you've come to the wrong place.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

I don't think there's a polite way to word that. I just completely disagree that it's more rude to not invite them at all. You're asking people to get nice clothing, get you a gift, and travel to be at your wedding, but then you're not feeding them or hosting them at all. I just don't think that's right. If that's what you think is more right, though, than cutting down your guest list, just tell b list guests that they are invited to the ceremony but the reception afterwards will be private and only for close friends and family. They'll probably be offended but there's no way to sugar coat it and make it polite.

button6004 · April 2012

Maybe it would make it all better if she threw some McDonald's coups in with the invitation for the losers who dont get to go to the reception.

SparrowSong · April 2012

Sorry but there is no way to justify what you are doing. If you can only afford to invite 150 people than only invite 150 people. Don't expect to come up with a kind way to kick 50 people to the curb on the way from the vows to dinner.

pgcp · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:58dc663c-3070-4236-86e4-45eb744258fb">Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'm planning my wedding for December of this year...our guest list is over 200 people, but due to budget being very tight we are only have a reception for our family members and a few very close friends. My concern is how to word this on our invitation. I do not want to offend anyone, but we have to keep our reception down to 150 people to afford it. Most of our reception people are our family (we both have fairly big families) but we have very close friends that we spend a great deal of time with that we want at the reception as well. Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all. So please, do not "yell" at me for having to chose a closed reception. All I am looking for is help in wording my invitation! Thank you
Posted by klg33087[/QUOTE]
You aren't going to get the advice you want. What you will get is the advice you NEED.

What you want to do is beyond rude. Only invite to people you can include in the entire event, that means ceremony and reception. You may need to cut your guest list (assuming you haven'y already sent STDs) or you may need to revision the reception so you can afford to properly host everyone.

There isn't a thing wrong with having a cake and punch reception, provided it isn't at meal time. Start from there with costs and add things in as you can afford it for all your guests.

Maggie0829 · April 2012

I agree with Button. I would much rather not be invited at all then to be invited to the ceremony but then uninvited to the reception.

Whoever is invited to the ceremony should also be invited to the reception and vice versa. If you can't affor all 200 people then you should only invite those that you can afford to pay for. If people ask why they weren't invited (which would be extremely rude of them) you can honestly tell them that you and your FI have decided to keep the wedding small. There is nothing wrong with this and those not invited should not be offended or hurt (if they are then they will get over it).

Kate61487 · April 2012

If you've already decided which 150 guests are your "family and very close friends" then the job is done; you invite those 150 people and them ONLY.

Knottie1443721062 · April 2012

I'm not trying to be mean at all but I don't really know how you would word that. I think you will have some hurt feelings if you pick and choose who can and who can't come to the reception.

Snippylynn · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:9253c97c-b11f-4b9b-abe7-d0eb199d1c7e">Re:Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me spell this out for you. When you come onto an etiquette board and ask us to refrain from informing you that you're committing a huge breach of etiquette, you're setting up everyone in the situation to be pissed off. You know what you're doing is wrong, and you don't seem to care. All I can say is that some brides have an extremely inflated sense of self importance and think that everyone you know will be devastated to not get invited to the ceremony. They might be sad to not get invited, but a brief disappointment is much better than total insult and outrage at being a second tier guest. Really think about this.
Posted by polichik[/QUOTE]
OMG, I love you. That is so perfect.

AdeleDazeem · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:58dc663c-3070-4236-86e4-45eb744258fb">Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE] Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all.
Posted by klg33087[/QUOTE]

Heh. You think we don't understand how expensive wedding receptions are? We're all planning or have planned one. We all also looked at our numbers, said we could invite X number of people, and stuck with that number. You get no sympathy - you're setting yourself up to fail here.

And, while you may think it's less rude to tier guests, I assure you that people on your guest list will think otherwise.

MrsKathyC · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:ffac13c8-0ef2-4562-86a8-89aa5a84d377">Re: Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]If you've already decided which 150 guests are your "family and very close friends" then the job is done; you invite those 150 people and them ONLY.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Allll this!

aragx6 · April 2012

Hopefully the dozens of posts telling you how bad of an idea this is will have some effect on you, and will cause you to reconsider this very bad idea.

Who are these 50 people? I surely wouldn't want to upset a coworker or boss this much -- just think about how bad of an effect this could have on your career.

juliebug1997 · April 2012

When we got engaged, I started looking at all my friends from the two schools where I was working and many of them were married/in long term relationships. My side alone would have been about 300. I cut my side to about 65 and my husband added the other 60. When I asked the E ladies here about it, they gave me the same advice that they are giving you. Invite the number you can afford to host. My friends who I couldn't invite were very understanding and we are still friends today.

Also, telling the E board what they can and can't say to you is just, well, rude. Where is Stephanie Tanner when you need her?

sarabellam · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:58dc663c-3070-4236-86e4-45eb744258fb">Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE] Just so you know, I'm not looking for a huge back lash of people who think this is rude...you just got to understand that some brides dont have the financial ability to invite everyone to the reception...and I'm not going to just completely univite them all together either because I feel that is more rude when you choose not to involve them at all. So please, do not "yell" at me for having to chose a closed reception. All I am looking for is help in wording my invitation! Thank you
Posted by klg33087[/QUOTE]

You may not be looking for it, but that's what you are going to get. The VAST majority of brides have to make decisions based on their budget, so you aren't that special, snowflake. It is FAR more rude to invite someone to the ceremony only than it is to "not involve them at all."

As strangers, we will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. We are saving you from being talked about behind your back, and possibly damaging your relationships over your incredibly rude idea.

cwill6212 · April 2012

OP-Pull up your big girl panties and listen to brides who've been in your budget strict shoes!

The whole purpose of the reception is to thank your guest for coming and for them to celebrate your union after the ceremony. No one is being mean to you or telling you these things as a personal attack on you. You posted on a forum asking for advice. Something tells me you already have a sense that it's rude or you wouldn't have asked for input.

You have a couple of options to do this right. You can cut your guest list and have 150 people attend both the ceremony and reception. OR you can adjust your reception to maybe do appetizers instead of a meal or cut the alcohol if you want to be able to serve a meal. You can still stick to the budget and have the wedding you want, just don't disrespect your guests in the process.

Habs2Hart · April 2012

Wording suggestions:

For those invited to the reception: "Congratulations, you are important enough for us to feed you, therefor there will be dinner and dancing to follow at xyz. Please bring your invite so we know you are on the proper list when showing up."

For those not invited: "No dinner or dancing for you because we don't like you enough to feed you. Please leave your gift at the table by the door."

mica178 · April 2012

I'm waiting for mbaete to swoop in and tell the OP that she has a PM.

OP -- I have nothing to say that the above posters haven't already said. Hopefully you take their advice.

MNVegas · April 2012

I have to agree with PPs. There is no polite way to do what you want to do. Sorry, but sometimes you just have to make tough choices.

MrsKathyC · April 2012

To the OP, if you're having trouble coming up with the proper wording on your own, then that should be a pretty good indicator that it's wrong.

chumlee7478 · April 2012

there's no polite way to say "You're good enough to travel to watch us get married, and give us a gift, but we just can't budget in money to host and feed you. Don't forget that gift!"

PPs have said it all. It's rude.

Though I'm surprised I haven't seen a follow up post asking if it's ok to have guests donate to pay for this thing, or the honeymoon.

specialk84 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_closed-reception-to-family-and-very-close-friends-only?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:272cd013-ecf7-4118-a6a2-230bed784478Post:07252563-45cb-4570-ba4a-a1a24e7a8124">Re: Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...</a>:
[QUOTE]there's no polite way to say "You're good enough to travel to watch us get married, and give us a gift, but we just can't budget in money to host and feed you. Don't forget that gift!" PPs have said it all. It's rude. Though I'm surprised I haven't seen a follow up post asking if it's ok to have guests donate to pay for this thing, or the honeymoon.
Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]

Maybe she's the sister of the VR photographer donation thread, you superior weasel.

Knottie1443721062 · April 2012

I kind of want to know how OP was going to play this out. Was the reception going to be a secret to those who weren't invited? Then when 'Uncle Bob' finds out about it and is upset because 'Aunt Sue' was invited and he wasn't, then what? You have family members confronting you at your wedding? This could be a huge mess, or a good plot for a movie. Not a good idea.

Closed Reception to family and very close friends only...

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