uninvited babies?!

mwhitson14 · December 2009

My new approach to questions like this is to wonder what you would do if we validated your opinion. What if we say, oh heck, 9 months?! She should really be able to leave that baby alone and attend the wedding without it. What would you do? Call the mom and tell her she needs to pump and leave the kid at home? Do you realize how condescinding you will sound? It's not your place!

RachNRich · December 2009

We're all giving the same answer--just in different tones. We are saying what your friends would say behind your back, if you were to call them and say "no breast-feeding babies allowed...but, don't be surprised when you see other children there. They're allowed, but yours are not."

We just want you to give this serious thought be for you go kicking and screaming and causing unneeded problems.

banana468 · December 2009

It's fine to limit the "no kids" to family only.

Yes, at 9 mos the child is not breast feeding exclusively however the baby is still nursing.

You can say, "Unfortunately we're only inviting the children of family members," however you do need to be prepared that one or both of them will decline.

As PPs said, the breastfeeding child is generally an exception to the rule and while many moms pump, some don't.

You two need to decide if this is worth it though. A 9 month old baby is not a "child" like a 2 year old is. The baby will lay there and may crawl from time to time but the baby isn't in the "destroy the antiques and run with scissors stage" like the older children are.

Is this a battle that you really want to pick??

shellydiane820 · December 2009

People understand though if its immediate family. I have been to plenty of weddings like that.

However, we were sure to have a plan to have the girls picked up because we didn't think they should be there all night where there is an open bar.

thesuninherhead · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b518ae18-87a0-4ef8-a8e7-08df4bb6c225Post:a47e5810-577d-41af-9e06-51e5af29ab5f">Re: uninvited babies?!</a>:
[QUOTE]that and my fiance felt strongly this being a part of his immediate family was an exception to our decision to not have any children at all...
Posted by ahw001[/QUOTE]
 Either I just stepped into the dumb machine, or your above sentence makes no sense whatsoever, however I'm gathering that what you're trying to say is that your fiance felt strongly about having his family there... which is fine, but you're still yet to answer my question of why the baby is more likely to interrupt your ceremony than, say, the other 7 children running around after one another. As others have stated, the breastfeeding baby is a breastfeeding baby, and yes, you can indicate that babies aren't permitted, but be ready to have your friends with babies decline. Your reasoning that this baby is likely to interrupt your ceremony honestly makes no sense whatsoever in light of the fact that other children will be present. If you really can't see why it might be appropriate to allow a young breastfeeding baby who is not going to take up extra space on your seating chart or budget in with their mother, I have a feeling you're going to come up against more issues than the uninvited intruder baby in your planning.

banana468 · December 2009

Thesuninherhead is right. You're more likely to hear one of the other little kids say, "Mommy I want candy NOOOOOW!" than you are to hear from the baby.

shellydiane820 · December 2009

Yes, Sun brings up a point. Big kids are louder. One of the neices cried almost the whole mass because she was tired of kneeling and standing.

Prepare youself. Don't cry, you'll smudge your make up, and you'll get a horrible nickname like "Auntie McBitchy Pants"

tenofcups4me · December 2009

Wow, I can't believe the responses you've gotten here. I don't know who declared that breastfeeding babies are an exception, but in the real world (at least in my real world), they certainly don't have to be. I don't think I've ever seen a baby at a wedding -- the weddings I attend are limited to adults with occasionally a handful of nieces and nephews. No one would invite or expect or want a child that young to attend an adult evening function.

I don't know when it became acceptable for parents to decide that the rules that apply to others don't apply to them simply because they're parents. And I can't imagine why so many posters are giving you crap about this.

You are not obligated to accommodate these people simply because they've decided not to have their own adult life.

Unfortunately, the ideal time to respond would have been when they "informed" you that they were bringing the baby -- you should have informed them that children were not invited. If you see them again before the wedding, you can casually mention that only family children are invited. Or, depending on your relationship with them, you or another family member, can slip it into conversation before the invitations go out. Worst case, you'll have to wait till they respond with their child added to the RSVP and then call them.

anna.oskar · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b518ae18-87a0-4ef8-a8e7-08df4bb6c225Post:4ec6002c-afeb-447a-ae31-1ca54180b2fe">Re: uninvited babies?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: uninvited babies?! : Are you going to throw your mom out too if she starts crying? And what about the nieces and nephews? Are they perfect, well behaved angels? Somehow, I highly doubt it.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

I tried to throw my mom out when she started crying. The Ho-bag wouldn't leave. Damn inconsiderate people.

banana468 · December 2009

The problem though ten is that as the child is only 9 mos, they may not respond for her since any food the child eats is most likely going to be provided by mom (either on her or packed). So if she wants to put the kibosh on this, she most likely needs to just suck it up and make the phone call now.

And I agree with you to an extent. I think at a young age it's nice to be understanding though because saying no to the baby can mean saying no to the mother. At 9 months though I have to wonder - unless this means some long trip for the parents.

RachNRich · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b518ae18-87a0-4ef8-a8e7-08df4bb6c225Post:3b4e93fb-c121-4641-8213-df5f06375380">Re: uninvited babies?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: uninvited babies?! : I tried to throw my mom out when she started crying. The Ho-bag wouldn't leave. Damn inconsiderate people.
Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]

Typical Anna move. But, I suppose you get the Ho-bag gene honestly.

sucrets4 · December 2009

shelly - 10 points for the wet nurse comment

nebb - 20 points for all around awesomeness. And not taking any shiit.

tenofcups4me · December 2009

The problem though ten is that as the child is only 9 mos, they may not respond for her since any food the child eats is most likely going to be provided by mom (either on her or packed). So if she wants to put the kibosh on this, she most likely needs to just suck it up and make the phone call now.

Yeah, Banana, I thought about that too after I posted. If they're rude enough to inform her they're bringing the baby, they might also be rude enough to not respond with that information on an RSVP.

mwhitson14 · December 2009

Why is it rude to inform them they're bringing the baby? Invites aren't out yet (from my understanding) so how is it rude if they aren't even aware of the no kids thing?

[Deleted User] · December 2009

infants are not and should not be the exception to the rule. this is newfangled breeder-head-up-their-arse entitled horsecrap.

there are reasons, valid reasons, why someone would not want any infants at their wedding. the whole notion that "babies just sleep through it, you only need to worry about the rambunctious toddlers" is hogwash. we've seen countless stories on here of babies who screamed through the whole ceremony and the parent did NOT have the good sense to remove it.

if mother cannot detach from infant, mother can decline. the end.

i really wish you nincompoops would stop spreading this "breastfeeding baby is the exception" fallacy. in NO WAY is this, or should this, be the case.

anna.oskar · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b518ae18-87a0-4ef8-a8e7-08df4bb6c225Post:7f1807c5-76ef-4215-bbd9-b059b7b33779">Re: uninvited babies?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: uninvited babies?! : Typical Anna move. But, I suppose you get the Ho-bag gene honestly.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

hardly typical.

TeresaLovesDave · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b518ae18-87a0-4ef8-a8e7-08df4bb6c225Post:9bc3a142-4340-4e3a-b4d1-259ee9d06f4d">Re: uninvited babies?!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: uninvited babies?! : Either I just stepped into the dumb machine, or your above sentence makes no sense whatsoever...
Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

Sun, stepped into the dumb machine is the finest phrase I've heard all day. Thank you, wholeheartedly.

stina93446 · December 2009

[QUOTE] Personally, I think that bf-ing kids are exempt from the no kids rule, but it's your call.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

<div>I think there's something wrong with me because my first thought was that you said butt fuuking kids. Guess I know nothing about the bump...lol</div>

[Deleted User] · December 2009

now that i've made it to page 2, THANK YOU tencups for being the lone voice of reason here. well, except me. holy horsefeathers it's like stepping into a babyrabies alterverse.

who declared that indeed? it's like some rameybot said so at one point and everyone else just fell into line spewing the same nonsense afterwards.

sheesh people - parents do NOT get to make up their own rules!

and to turn the tables on lpstl's inane remark about "what are you going to do, tell them 9 months is too old to bf and they need to weAn"...what if someone has a childfree wedding, and is convinced to follow the non-existent bf'ing kids are the exception rule, should they then allow the 4-year-old of the lunatic who thinks it's perfectly normal to bf their kid at that age?

COMMON. a little decorum, please.

banana468 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b518ae18-87a0-4ef8-a8e7-08df4bb6c225Post:78c46cb9-05ee-4beb-9f6b-ad27a3068386">Re: uninvited babies?!</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is it rude to inform them they're bringing the baby? Invites aren't out yet (from my understanding) so how is it rude if they aren't even aware of the no kids thing?
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

It's rude because it's rude to presume that you have any extras on the invitation. Just like it's rude if your single friend says, "Oh now I need to go find a date!" and you were not going to give her the option of bringing a guest.

Yes, it's nice to allow the guest the courtesy of bringing the child and I'll even buy that an infant needs his mother but at 9 mos, the child most likely can be with a sitter and s/he is not exclusively breast fed since foods are generally introduced around the 6 mo range (correct me if I'm wrong here moms).

And even with an infant, you *can* say no. You just need to know that it's more likely with a really young infant that one or both parents may decline - but that's part of the deal when you have children.

It's up to the OP how she wants to handle it though and if it's worth it since there will be children and since this is just a 9 mo we're talking about. I'd honestly be more concerned if they wanted to bring the 2 yo toddler.

mwhitson14 · December 2009

Ah gotcha banana. But still, maybe she's never been to a no-kids wedding? In my circle, everyone would have a cow if someone suggested having a no kids wedding, so I can see how she would assume that her kids are invited. Maybe? I just don't think it's fair to assume she's being rude by thinking the kids are invited.

banana468 · December 2009

Well, as we know here, you can be rude without realizing it.

Perhaps "ignorant" is a better way to describe the behavior if she's just assuming that the kids would be invited and she's not considering that there's another option.

That doesn't mean that this mom is bad. However it doesn't mean that the OP needs to invite the children either.

Whatever she decides, she does need to do it soon and she does need to face the possibilty that doing so may mean that the guest isn't able to attend.

sucrets4 · December 2009

But whit, she's not assuming the 2 year old is invited, just bringing the kid on the tit.

My bff did not bring her 13 month old, but she asked me if she could use the bridal suite at some point to pump (she exclusively pumped b/c she couldn't get her daughter to bf and I know how important it was to her).

I would never tell someone that having no kids is more important than having them attend. Does that make sense? I would assume that the OP wants these people there and needs to take that into consideration.

I think it's shiitty if they're bringing a kid who is old enough to require extra money, but they're not doing that, although it was rude to assume.

sucrets4 · December 2009

PS - whit, I appreciated your snark on page 1

mwhitson14 · December 2009

Haha sucrets

Maybe she is assuming the two year old is invited, but doesn't want to bring the kid for whatever reason. Maybe mom knows the kid isn't going to sit through the wedding, and feels like the baby will. Who knows, there are so many unanswered questions and assumptions when the OP stops responding to our posts. I totally see where y'all are coming from, and I don't mean to continue to argue. I just feel like it's not fair to make assumptions based on one sentence that the OP made, about bringing the baby but not the 2 y/o. I'm not a baby fan and would do a kid free wedding if I could get away with it, but serious shiit would hit the fan if that were to even be brought up.

lpstl · December 2009

Yeah daff, because I was obviously serious. Rearead the post, you missed my point.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

i'm obviously serious too. your point still blows.

lpstl · December 2009

What do you think my point was exactly? Because I was pulling out the sarcasm font in response to her ridiculous attempt to get validation.

You don't want to invite babies, fine, but don't somehow try to justify it because "a 9 month old shouldn't be nursing anyways". Just say you don't want babies there and stand by your decision.

lyndausvi · December 2009

I only invited my 7 nieces and nephews. No one questioned the choice because it's pretty standard in my world. We do not think all kids are created equal.

2 of my guests had babies (7 and 9 months old). They were not invited, nor did the parents call to say there were bringing them. One was BF (both tit and pump), the other FF. Both attended my OOT wedding with our their kids. If they were not comfortable doing that, they would have declined. No hard feelings on either side (both couples did not have babies at their weddings either)

I guess it depends on the social circle. But in my world no one gets their panties in a bunch if their kids/babies are not invited. On the contrary, the assumption is they are NOT welcome unless otherwise told so.

lmw4253 · December 2009

i actually agree with you on the baby thing. I dont think a baby needs to come, my sister had a newborn and was breast feeding and went to every wedding, even was in 2, last summer but just pumped ahead of time and went home a little early from the wedding. If I had a newborn, I would look forward to a litle me time.

However, you are inviting other kids and as everyone else said, babies are really not much hassle as long as the parents take them out if they cry. If it was NO KIDS at all, you would have a case, but you really cant say its adult only or there is no room cause its a baby, they take up no room!

I say you have to just deal with it!

uninvited babies?!

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