Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding

Andrealsuarez · May 2012

So just got a call from my FMIL asking if my FI cousin can bring her 1 month old baby to our wedding. Let me give you a background my wedding will be held outdoors in the middle of June we already have 20 immediate family kids coming we addressed all of our cousins invites with just Mr. & Mrs not and family and we have recieved calls from some of them asking if they can bring there kids we said no sorry only immediate family kids only otherwise we will have over 40 kids at the wedding and its not a kids party. This is the cousins 1st child and she does not trust anyone to watch her new baby. So my question is am I wrong to say no? My FI does not agree he feels its ok since its just an infant and not a toddler running around. I disagree for a few reasons 1 we already told our other cousins sorry you cannot bring your sweet angels to the wedding and 2 theer will be loud music...I mean not blasting but you know its a wedding and we are outside for over 6 hrs with the ceremony and reception I cannot even understand why you would wanna bring a 1 month old to a wedding. So please help I need opinions this couin may not be able to come unless she can bring her kid.

MattsPenguin · May 2012

I had my 5 week old nephew at my wedding. He was a bump on a log the entire time. Not one peep and nothing seemed to bother him.

I think that it wouldn't offend your family if your cousin brought her teeny tiny baby. It sounds like if you don't say yes, then she can't come. So if you want her there, then you can make an exception. Of course you are well within your rights to say no.

mica178 · May 2012

If you want a truly child-free wedding, that's fine. Just be prepared for the cousin to decide not to attend the wedding at all. Many brand-new parents aren't comfortable leaving the baby with a sitter yet.

specialk84 · May 2012

It would be nice to let her bring her baby, but you don't have to. Be prepared for her to decline and/or get huffy about it.

jennipea382 · May 2012

Is she breastfeeding? Either way, very young kids can be an exception to the rule. But it's up to you. As PPs said, be prepared for her to decline if she can't bring the baby. I'm not a parent but I can understand having a hard time leaving a very young baby with a babysitter. My friend had a hard time with it even with her second kid! She's been a lot more open about it now that he's about 9 months but for a while she wouldn't even leave him with his grandparents!

specialk84 · May 2012

TK won't let me edit. Grr.

My bridesmaid and H's best man are married. They brought their four-month-old (he was invited). He slept the majority of the day and only cried once, around 11 PM.

That being said, you are very much within your rights to tell them no.

klwpaz · May 2012

Is it possible that she wants to bring the baby because she's breastfeeding and feels it would be easier? We are having no kids but we made exceptions for three close friends with infants who will be nursing, one of whom would have to leave the baby overnight if she didn't bring him along. Of course, it is your choice.

LDubHawksFan · May 2012

My BM is going to have her baby about 3 wks before her wedding, and although we are having relative kids at the wedding, I want her to bring the baby. I think a 1 month old is an exception, at least it would be for me. Especially if it's her first, she won't be ready to leave it and it will still be breastfeeding. If you don't mind if she doesn't come, then stick to your no kids. I wouldn't bat an eye at a no kids wedding if there was a 1 month old there. Also, I guarentee my BM goes to the hotel shortly after dinner because she will be exhausted, so your cousin probably won't stay for the whole thing, but at least she will be there for you. And honestly from parents that I've talked to, a 1 month old is far easier to deal with for this sort of situation than a 1 year old. They cry when they need food and changed, not when they want to crawl around, etc, and he or she will probably just sleep most of the time. It's up to you but in my opinion I would make the exception.

egm900 · May 2012

I feel like any baby that is solely breastfed or any baby under 2-3 months old can be a clear exception to the no kids rule. Most other parents aren't even going to try to bring that up because the baby is so little.

With that said, if you really don't want any other kids there, you can say no, but I really doubt she's going to come. Don't make loud music/alcohol/anything else the reason though, a parent can decide what they're okay with their kid being around, you don't get to be the judge (also don't judge her for not wanting to leave her infant at home with a sitter, her decision).

ArynBaker · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:5bb60b2e-4bfc-4016-8603-d38a4c5fce0f">Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]you know its a wedding and we are outside for over 6 hrs with the ceremony and reception I cannot even understand why you would wanna bring a 1 month old to a wedding.
Posted by Andrealsuarez[/QUOTE]

<div>If the cousin is close by it's possible she just wanted to come to the ceremony and maybe part of the reception. Who knows. But this part irks me. Many new parents want to take their newborn because they aren't ready to leave them with someone else. They do this because they care about the safety of their child and if they were worried about their baby being outside they would have declined already. </div>

Lisa50 · May 2012

I can understand the desire to bring my one month old to a wedding (my son is now in college, so it has been a while), especially since I nursed him. However, I would likely have left the baby with a sitter nearby, come to the ceremony and the first part of the reception. But let me tell you, when it's time to nurse (or pump), it's time!

Of course, you may tell them no. Don't be surprised, though, if only dad shows up.

UKgal321 · May 2012

If you don't want to allow her to bring her baby then she won't come either. This is totally your choice. Here is my opinion on the 1month old. He/She will most likely sleep the entire time! I brought my one month old to a family reunion that was at a restaurant on a patio. There was moderately loud music, traffic driving by, and many conversations going at once. He sleep through all of it. He didn't even make a sound. I would not leave my 1 month old with anyone so if he couldn't go then I wasn't going.

vantica · May 2012

They sell noise machines for babies. (You can play nature sounds, but also set it to white noise.) This helps many of them to sleep and calm down! When the baby is still in the womb outside noises are amplified by a lot, so they are used to loud sounds by the time they come out. This is why loud noises really don't bother most young babies.

Also, I know this was mentioned, but if she is breast feeding she will not want to leave the baby for long, especially if she's on a schedule. I remember trying to go to a movie with a friend who was nursing was difficult because we had to time it right so it fell inbetween feedings, and she hated that we couldn't hang out and chat after the movie.

blush64 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:5bb60b2e-4bfc-4016-8603-d38a4c5fce0f">Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So just got a call from my FMIL asking if my FI cousin can bring her 1 month old baby to our wedding. Let me give you a background my wedding will be held outdoors in the middle of June we already have 20 immediate family kids coming we addressed all of our cousins invites with just Mr. & Mrs not and family and we have recieved calls from some of them asking if they can bring there kids we said no sorry only immediate family kids only otherwise we will have over 40 kids at the wedding and its not a kids party. This is the cousins 1st child and she does not trust anyone to watch her new baby. So my question is am I wrong to say no? My FI does not agree he feels its ok since its just an infant and not a toddler running around. I disagree for a few reasons 1 we already told our other cousins sorry you cannot bring your sweet angels to the wedding and 2 theer will be loud music...I mean not blasting but you know its a wedding and we are outside for over 6 hrs with the ceremony and reception I cannot even understand why you would wanna bring a 1 month old to a wedding. So please help I need opinions this couin may not be able to come unless she can bring her kid.
Posted by Andrealsuarez[/QUOTE]

If you don't want babies or kids just say no. Be prepared to have her not attend. Many people will make an exception for a baby so young. Other guests would likely understand the difference between a month old baby and a 2 year old. But you don't have to make the exception if you don't want to.

I would not leave a month old baby to go to a wedding no matter who was getting married. I would politely decline the invitation. I wouldn't expect someone to leave their baby at home so I made exceptions for babies.

Andrealsuarez · May 2012

Thank you everyone for your opinions it has truely helped me. I didnt know about the breastfeeding thing and I know that she is. I wouldnt not want her to come to my wedding I was just concerned about bringing that young of a child with loud music AND as my BFF said her taking advantage of everyone being there to swoon over her child on me and my FI's special day and us having to share our special day with her new baby LMAO my BFF always see's the bad side of people. But after reading all of you PP I guess that young of a child would hopefully sleep most of the time and not fuss and disrupt other guest so I have decided to allow her to bring the baby and hope for the best.

divinemsbee · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:ce627ac8-3ec3-45b2-aff7-8e90327d4c20">Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If you don't want to allow her to bring her baby then she won't come either. This is totally your choice.</strong> Here is my opinion on the 1month old. He/She will most likely sleep the entire time! I brought my one month old to a family reunion that was at a restaurant on a patio. There was moderately loud music, traffic driving by, and many conversations going at once. He sleep through all of it. He didn't even make a sound. I would not leave my 1 month old with anyone so if he couldn't go then I wasn't going.
Posted by UKgal321[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ok, see, I have a problem with this logic. It's not OP's choice, it's the mom's choice to not leave the baby. It's not all on the OP, it's on the mom as to whether she comes or not. I feel like to put this on OP and say anything to the extent of "well, that's <em>your</em> choice you're making and then she won't come and might get huffy" is kind of bullsh!t. It is totally the mom's choice as to whether she is comfortable with leaving the baby with a sitter while she goes out, and, as a mom, she should recognize that it's entirely on her. So should the rest of the family. OP, if your FILs want to guilt anyone over this, they can guilt the baby's mom, it's her choice not to come. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm having tons of kids at my wedding, but I can see why people wouldn't want to deal with them. Probably for a lot of the same reasons that I'm refusing to have kids be a part of the wedding party (no RBs or FGs). They can be a total handful. And, yes, OP, I do think that your cousins might get a bit miffed if they show up sans kids to a kid-free event and then find out that someone in the same "circle" on his side has their kid there. They might not say anything to you, and they'll probably get over it, but they will notice, </div><div>
</div><div>I do understand if this isn't the hill you want to die on and you let her bring the baby in the interest of keeping peace, but, sooner or later, people have to learn that just because it's your kid or a kid close to you doesn't mean it's a more special snowflake than every other child.</div>

ootmother2 · May 2012

I wouldn't want to take my one month old child to a place where there were crowds, family or not.

id012 · May 2012

I would let her bring her baby. If my SIL didnt let me bring my son to her wedding (that was no kids) I would not have gone. Is she breast feeding? That plays a role too.. she needs to be with the baby.

UKgal321 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:d9ec0f72-7184-4203-82ee-18d720395a65">Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your opinions it has truely helped me. I didnt know about the breastfeeding thing and I know that she is. I wouldnt not want her to come to my wedding I was just concerned about bringing that young of a child with loud music AND as my BFF said her taking advantage of everyone being there to swoon over her child on me and my FI's special day and us having to share our special day with her new baby LMAO my BFF always see's the bad side of people. But after reading all of you PP I guess that young of a child would hopefully sleep most of the time and not fuss and disrupt other guest so <strong>I have decided to allow her to bring the baby and hope for the best.</strong>
Posted by Andrealsuarez[/QUOTE]
Yay I'm glad you made a decision. I think she will enjoy being around you and FI on your special day!

bonge · May 2012

You guys this is NOT a child free wedding. Not one person here seems to have caught on that their are 20 other children invited. Just not friends kids.

I would not leave my 1 month old breast feeding or not. That is a tad too young for most people to feel comfortable with it.

The idea that you don't want her stealing your thunder is appaling. You are the bride & you are getting married, you will still be the center of attention. If that is the most important thing then by all means just tell her no & have her decline.

divinemsbee · May 2012

`I was going to go back and edit my post but then saw that OP had made her decision. I totally got that there were kids coming, but they were all immediate family kids. There's always a lot of talk about inviting in "circles" on this board, and I think it's a good way to go. Basically, none of the other cousins are having their kids there, and have been specifically told, after they asked, that their kids were not invited. Which is fine, but I could see someone getting a bit miffed because they were told that it was kid-free for them and then this one special snowflake cousin gets to have her kid there. I wonder if OP's FMIL had a problem with the way children were invited before or it just became an issue because of this particular kid.

It's not OP's problem or responsibility that this particular mom doesn't feel like leaving her child with a responsible adult of the mom's choosing. The mom can make the choice as to what is right for her. While I don't think loud music or booze are great reasons for excluding kids, I also don't think you need reasons to make your guest list as you see fit.

Also, OP didn't say that she was the one thinking about thunder-stealing, she said that her best friend had brought that up and OP thought it was a ridiculous line of thought.

I was left with my grandmother at 6 weeks, and then a really lovely woman who took care of me in her home, because my mom had to go back to work. I still was fed breastmilk, both by nursing and expressed, until I was about a year. So, I guess, I don't see a problem with leaving young infants, most moms do work outside the home, so it's not unheard of. Again, if this mom doesn't want to do that, it's her business, but she doesn't get to change other people's schedules and guest lists for it, I guess I just find it selfish to ask that. You either go, or don't, but don't drag the in-laws into it and make it a big thing.

QueerFemme · May 2012

I don't know. when I first read this... my immediate thought was 20 kids??? and you are concerned about an infant??? Honestly, I'd be less concerned about that infant than I would be all of the other parents who are going to be pissy when they see TWENTY kids running around.

NinaSchwab · May 2012

Babies are awesome and they look adorable in wedding albums.

bonge · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:4a5ef2f4-a706-445d-9758-694cd780e39b">Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know. when I first read this... my immediate thought was 20 kids??? and you are concerned about an infant??? Honestly, I'd be less concerned about that infant than I would be all of the other parents who are going to be pissy when they see TWENTY kids running around.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

This was kinda what i was getting at. It would be different if there are no kids. I can't see many people get miffed about a 1 month old baby. I would judge a parent who thought it was ok to leave a 1 month old for long periods (unless they had no choice, like work) before i judged them for bringing such a small young baby to a wedding even if it was done in tiers. I am not saying i judge these people, just saying i would.

I get that op doesn't have to let them, i never said she had too but it is really a matter of if you want them there or if you don't care. I honestly find people that expect really young kids to be left with someone pretty heartless when they think all parents should be ok with it. Not everyone wants to leave their child so early.If the child was 6 months or older that is a different story. Especially if it is a first time mother.

Where i am from mat leave is a year all across the country, not like in the usa, maybe that is why i feel different. Not saying it is the right way to feel but when you have 20 other kids...........

sarabellam · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:d9ec0f72-7184-4203-82ee-18d720395a65">Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your opinions it has truely helped me. I didnt know about the breastfeeding thing and I know that she is. I wouldnt not want her to come to my wedding I was just concerned about bringing that young of a child with loud music AND as my BFF said<strong> her taking advantage of everyone being there to swoon over her child on me and my FI's special day and us having to share our special day with her new baby</strong> LMAO my BFF always see's the bad side of people. But after reading all of you PP I guess that young of a child would hopefully sleep most of the time and not fuss and disrupt other guest so I have decided to allow her to bring the baby and hope for the best.
Posted by Andrealsuarez[/QUOTE]
This right here, folks, is the real issue. OP wants all of the attention, every moment, on her spayshul dddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy. Don't couch your issues in terms of other parents being upset that they couldn't bring their children, or over feigned concern for the infant around loud noise. You want to be the AW on your special day. Own it.

ajmom2two · May 2012

In Response to Re:Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding:Thank you everyone for your opinions it has truely helped me. I didnt know about the breastfeeding thing and I know that she is. I wouldnt not want her to come to my wedding I was just concerned about bringing that young of a child with loud music AND as mynbsp;BFF said her taking advantage of everyone being there to swoon over her child on me and my FI's special day and us having to share our special day with her new babynbsp;LMAO my BFF always see's the bad side of people. But after reading all of you PP I guess that young of a child would hopefully sleep most of the time and not fuss and disrupt other guest so I have decided to allow her to bring the baby and hope for the best.Posted by AndrealsuarezThis right here, folks, is the real issue. OP wants all of the attention, every moment, on her spayshul dddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy. Don't couchnbsp;your issuesnbsp;in terms of other parents being upset that they couldn't bring their children, or over feigned concern for the infant around loud noise. You want to be the AW on your special day. Own it. Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

I was thinking the same thing. It doesn't make sense that its just a kid issue when 20 others will be present. Trust me, your cousin isn't planning to bring her baby to steal your thunder. Everyone won't be crowded around the baby while you walk down the aisle or during your first dance, ignoring you. That baby will likely be the best child guest you have.

alli2672 · May 2012

wow. I am sneaking over from thebump to get ideas for my brother's wedding. I am surprised that anyone would have a problem with this.
I am assuming that if you are inviting your cousin, then you are also inviting her mom and siblings. 1) who is this responsible adult she is supposed to leave her tiny baby with? and 2) I am sure they will help your cousin out if there are any problems with the one month old at the wedding.
I have been a working mom, have three kids, and am pregnant with my fourth. I still wouldn't leave a one month old behind to go to a wedding unless a family member could watch my baby very nearby. And I wouldn't expect that to be anyone's decision but my own.
I am sure you won't even notice if this child is there or not, but it will be a huge deal to your cousin.

malakelle · May 2012

If shes breastfeeding she might not want to leave it at home. My daughter will refuse a bottle and just cry till I can feed her. Also the first few months of breastfeeding are hard and she might be struggling with that. I took my 3 week old with me to a good friends wedding, and it was fine, she slept threw everything, and I used a cover to nurse when she got fussy.

At one month old shes going to be sleeping, most likely even a rocking band is not going to wake her up. Its up to you, but like most pp said, be ready for a decline if you say no.

Andrealsuarez · May 2012

Ok I think this is going in the wrong direction with some people. I will explain and break down what was my thought pattern. My FI's family is HUGE he is 1 of 5 kids and the baby, attending are his neices and nephews some are in the wedding as well. the ages range from 17-1.5 yrs old (mostly teenagers though) I know they should be counted as adults LOL but I still look at them as kids. 15 out of the 20 kids are from 11-17yrs old, however my FI has A LOT of 1st cousins all with 4-5 kids each if we had invited eveyone there would be well over 40-50 kids attending and that is just too many kids in my mind for a wedding. As far as her not leaving the baby with anyone I find a bit odd her husbands family lives very close the wedding location is only 25 min away so not very far YES she is breastfeeding my issue is that we had already told the other 1st cousins that we were only having immdiate family kids only and with 20 of them already attending they totally understood and made there arrangements for babysitters with no huffing or puffing. I just feel like some of them are going to get upset knowing that she feels like we should make this exception since this is her first child and the rest of the family knows her H has his mother living very close to them and why should could not leave this child for 3-4 hrs I dont know. I was also thinking why would anyone want to bring a 1 month old to an outdoor wedding in June...hot, mosquio's loud music most of my friends who have very young children said they would not even think of bringing their kids at that age...they do not have full immunity and if some has even just a head cold the baby could get really sick and since most of the family has not even seen this kid yet a lot of them will most likely be passing the poor girl around. BUT I am not the mother that is all her on what she is comfortable with BUT I wanted to make sure my other guests are 1 comfortable as well. As for her kid taking my thunder as PP put it that was something my BFF said not me I thought it was kind of funny listening to her rant and rave. AS I said in my PP I agreed with others about allowing her to bring the baby and that the baby will most likely be sleeping most of the time hopefully the last thing I would want is for her NOT to come over something so silly.

divinemsbee · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cousin-wants-to-bring-1-month-old-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1c498d20-1382-44c9-aeb9-2b3d6c27bb7aPost:af97a9fb-f101-493d-ad20-5c97979a779d">Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cousin wants to bring 1 month old to wedding : This right here, folks, is the real issue. OP wants all of the attention, every moment, on her spayshul dddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy. Don't couch your issues in terms of other parents being upset that they couldn't bring their children, or over feigned concern for the infant around loud noise. You want to be the AW on your special day. Own it.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Reading comprehension. Here's the full sentence before you start bad mouthing someone for what they didn't say.</div><div>
</div><div>"<span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span"><em>AND as my BFF said</em><strong style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;"> her taking advantage of everyone being there to swoon over her child on me and my FI's special day and us having to share our special day with her new baby</strong> <em>LMAO my BFF always see's the bad side of people.</em> "</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">
</span></div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">Way to take things completely out of context and see only what you want. I guess I'm heartless, but sometimes kids or even certain kids, aren't welcome at things, and that's okay. </span></div>

sarabellam · May 2012

I think you are completely missing my point, divine. I wholeheartedly agree that kids aren't welcome at some events. But OP needs to own that decision, not try to second-guess someone else's parenting decisions as to whether or not to bring a 1-month old to an outdoor wedding versus trying to find a sitter for a breastfeeding infant.

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