Bridemaid Duties Question

tidetravel · April 2010

Sorry Banana - once I hit post, I realized that I meant to have edited it to not be AS harsh.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:819d9514-ec7c-4438-a6c1-9e013da5d2b9">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : I must say, I think the MOH who said she can't make an evening rehearsal due to a morning doctor's appt seems kind of flaky (unless she is out of town or something). I don't doubt that she has the doctor's appt, or that it is hard to get in, it is just a little hard to believe that it would take all day. Without knowing this person and their dependability level, this appt. sounds like a flake-tastic excuse (I could be wrong though). All that being said, however, the MOH in question doesn't need to go to the rehearsal, no matter what the reason, so the point is moot anyway. If this was MY MOH, I would know her well enough to know that she would only skip the rehearsal if she had a good reason, so I wouldn't question her for a second. But I don't know this MOH, only the bride posting about her knows whether she is flaky or not. But even if she is being flaky, that is no reason to kick her out.
Posted by emilykathleen511[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I thought about that too, but it sounded like the MOH wasn't local, meaning she wouldn't be able to travel in time because of the doctor's appointment.

</div>

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:5528409e-0a5c-48e0-9d4a-f08cf857d542">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : Right on!
Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

I didn't ask my friends anything and they did just about everything on that list. And they are still my friends.

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:a35db8ac-62ec-47e0-8072-3336a3d66273">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : You're an idiot. You don't know what the hell is going on with that child that requires an appointment 2+ months in advance. Doc's appointments aren't always easy to get, especially if it's a specialist, and many places are booked MONTHS in advance. What if the poor kid has cancer? You think that she should bail on a doctors appointment to make a stupid rehearsal. Get your head out of the clouds. Or your ass.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

um sorry yes I do know. I have a 2 and a half year old kid. I wouldn't schedule an appointment the same day as the rehearsal dinner.

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:a35db8ac-62ec-47e0-8072-3336a3d66273">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : You're an idiot. You don't know what the hell is going on with that child that requires an appointment 2+ months in advance. Doc's appointments aren't always easy to get, especially if it's a specialist, and many places are booked MONTHS in advance. What if the poor kid has cancer? You think that she should bail on a doctors appointment to make a stupid rehearsal. Get your head out of the clouds. Or your ass.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

no the kid does not have cancer.. it was the babys 9 month general appt for their immunization. Why are you always siding with the idiots and giving them the benefit of the doubt when you don't even know them, and always against the OP. Why are you always the devils advocate siding with the people OP are upset with and giving them the benefit of the doubt "oh maybe the baby has cancer, oh maybe this, maybe that". Why.

quotequeen · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:2d8b0d7d-7e3b-4a90-964e-3d034b7b202a">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : I didn't ask my friends anything and they did just about everything on that list. And they are still my friends.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

And that's the point that everybody is making. It's perfectly fine for your friends to voluntarily do these things. It's not fine for you to expect, demand, whine, or threaten to kick them out of the wedding if they don't.

mbcdefg · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:2d8b0d7d-7e3b-4a90-964e-3d034b7b202a">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : I didn't ask my friends anything and they did just about everything on that list. And they are still my friends.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Because they wanted to, right? Not because you handed them a list.

And I have to say, anyone who's suddenly look down on her friends for not fulfilling some B.S. list of jobs and duties is entirely too self-absorbed about herself and her stupid wedding. Weddings are NOT A BIG DEAL. It's ONE day out of one's life. If the friends support the marriage then that is all that counts.

I really can't wrap my head around the fact that there are people in this world willing to throw away a perfectly good friendship because their bridesmaids didn't help tie bows on favors or couldn't make it to the bachelorette party. There's kids starving to death and dying of AIDS all over the world and who can't get clean water, and yet people come here and whine, "<em>Waaaah</em>, my bridesmaids are arguing with me about shoes and won't throw me a party"? Give me a fuckking break.

healyl99 · April 2010

no where in the post did OP demand or whine etc.

http://forums.theknot.com/default.aspx?path=http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-upset

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:e616b226-2e83-4255-acba-3428fb37fcd1">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]but that bride did not whine, she just said she is upset that her friend can't make the rehearsal.. she has every right to be upset about it.. she was not demanding or doing anything crazy or out of sorts.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

If it was just that she was upset about the rehearsal, then she would have gotten different responses. However, she felt the need to add this:

<em> But she won't budge. This is not the first time she has done something like this. She refused to go to bridal shows with me, told me the date and place of my shower and won't go to my hair and makeup trial with me

</em>Here, she is portraying her friend as a bad MOH, because NOT ONLY will she not make the RD, but she's also not living up to her "duties". That's whining to me.

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:d0ca2668-9734-46c7-bef5-71a8e4c7af07">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : No where in the thread did OP say what the doctor's appointment was for. You are assuming that it is a routine appt, but it very well may not be - the point is that none of us know for sure and without more information, we can't make the assumption that it's easy to change the appointment, therefore, she's a bad MOH. I don't side with whining beebee brides, because 99% of the time, the issue is one that they themselves are creating. I "play devil's advocate" because brides needs to see that the drama that they experience is in their heads. Everytime someone comes here saying that their WP isn't doing something that the bride thinks they should be doing, and there are the reasons for it, the brides always assume that the WP members are making up excuses and slighting them, when, in fact, sometimes, they are just reasons. If you're looking to give these types of brides validation, then I will again direct you to the forums on weddingwire.com. I'm sure you'll find a community of brides there that are more suited to you. Make your first post about how mean the ladies on theknot are, and you'll be accepted instantly.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

no where did OP say that BM is making up excuses. She was simply stating that she was upset and asked a yes or no answer "Should I be upset"

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:9f35c80b-54b1-486b-9e77-1d86d46e7a8e">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : You can ask your BM and MOH for help, but you cannot hold it against them if they cannot help. Sometimes life happens and they simply cannot be there. However, the point of a WP is not to have help. Most people will help when asked - but you can't pressure them into helping or expect that they do x,y and z because sometimes they just can't. If they cannot help, that doesn't make them a bad person or a bad friend, that probably means they are just busy or not into helping plan/execute someone else's wedding.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]

when did OP say she would hold it againt her??? I think you guys just pull shi* out of your asses

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:9f35c80b-54b1-486b-9e77-1d86d46e7a8e">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : You can ask your BM and MOH for help, but you cannot hold it against them if they cannot help. Sometimes life happens and they simply cannot be there. However, the point of a WP is not to have help. Most people will help when asked - but you can't pressure them into helping or expect that they do x,y and z because sometimes they just can't. If they cannot help, that doesn't make them a bad person or a bad friend, that probably means they are just busy or not into helping plan/execute someone else's wedding.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]
when did OP put pressure on bm or say that are a bad BM? ???

tidetravel · April 2010

www.weddingwire.com <----- There. I linked it for you.

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:fa53a1b0-d49c-420c-b08c-170e449f052f">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]What most people generally say is that you CAN of course ask your BMs for help, just as presumably in other things in life you ask your friends for help. What's not ok is shoving some list of duties in your friends' faces and saying "see, you didn't help me stuff invitations, you are a bad BM." If your friend is usually super helpful, and suddenly she's not taking your calls and not doing you favors, then you have a friend problem that will not be solved by demoting her from being a BM. Also, there are times when the BM/MOH is in fact in the wrong, like this case of the MOH missing the rehearsal, but there's nothing the bride can do without making the situation worse. I think your MOH should go to the RD if at all possible, but if she's already said she absolutely can't, you're not going to achieve anything positive by kicking her out or telling her she's being a bad MOH. Speaking purely for myself, I try to always include the "it's fine to ask" before the "but you can't expect," but honestly, when it's the fifth time I've answered the same question in one day, some of the niceties may get lost. If people would lurk more to see that their question has already been answered, they might save themselves some grief.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

who said she was demoting her as BM? again more lies and pulling shi* out of your asses

healyl99 · April 2010

"I just told all of my wedding party the date and time of the Rehearsal. I gave everyone 2 months notice, so I figured it would be plenty of time to make arrangements. My MOH didn't acknowledge my message and when I asked about it she dodged me. We went out for drinks the other night and she tells me that she cannot make my rehearsal. She has a doctor's appointment that day for her 9 month old at 11am and cannot make it to my rehearsal for 530pm. I tell her I am upset by this because I was counting on her to be there. I tell her she doesn;t even have to go to the dinner, just the rehearsal and then go home. But she won't budge. This is not the first time she has done something like this. She refused to go to bridal shows with me, told me the date and place of my shower and won't go to my hair and makeup trial with me. I know there is nothing I can do, I just needed to vent a little because it makes me sad. I know if she asked me to do any of these things I would be there no matter what."

I don't see her saying she demoted her Bm or called them a bad bm. I just see a bride who was upset that's all.

healyl99 · April 2010

by saying " But she won't budge. This is not the first time she has done something like this. She refused to go to bridal shows with me, told me the date and place of my shower and won't go to my hair and makeup trial with me. I know there is nothing I can do, I just needed to vent a little because it makes me sad. I know if she asked me to do any of these things I would be there no matter what." OP is just trying to give you some background on the issue. The real issue was the rehearsal dinner, and the other stuff was just a littl background on her BM. OP was just upset that she couldn't make the rehearsal dinner.. nothing is wrong with being upset is all I wa trying to say.. I think you guys are reading into it too much and saying "she thinks her BM is a bad BM and she wants to demote her". OP never said any of those things. She was just a little upset. She didn't demote her or call her a bad bm.

emilyinchile · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:4896aede-2bff-4e4a-bd1e-95bed47a1442">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridemaid Duties Question : who said she was demoting her as BM? again more lies and pulling shi* out of your asses
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

Healy, my post was neither of those things. I (possibly incorrectly) thought that you were making a case for the many posts that show up here where you find the regs to be harsh and/or mean. This is not the first post where someone has asked what to do about a WP member not attending the rehearsal. Often those posts ask whether or not to demote a BM, and 99.99% of the time that's just not the answer.

If you're going to throw around so much anger, at least use your head.

healyl99 · April 2010

she wasn't expecting anything. and even if she did, why would it be wrong to expect your bm to show up. Usually you do expect that until they tell you no i can't make it.

emilyinchile · April 2010

Just checked back...you've focused on that one specific post but also talked about how in general you expect things from your BMs and base things on TKs list. So it looks like I was neither lying nor pulling anything from my ass, since you were talking generally.

I'll take my apology any time.

tidetravel · April 2010

Healy, really. Your FB page says you're 25. Please start acting like it.

healyl99 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:79e5b64d-275a-4e7f-8c4f-75227c51a0c9">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Just checked back...you've focused on that one specific post but also talked about how in general you expect things from your BMs and base things on TKs list. So it looks like I was neither lying nor pulling anything from my ass, since you were talking generally. I'll take my apology any time.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
i ONLY POSTED THAT LIST TO SAY THAT YES BM GENERALLY SHOULD ATTEND THE RD

healyl99 · April 2010

sorry for the confusion then. You didn't know I was talking about that specific post. My bad there. I thought I made it clear which post I was talking about but you must have missed that, and that's fine.

Licia&Wayne · April 2010

Healy the post that you quoted from me was actually in response to the OP of this post, not to the OP in the post you continue to reference. I'd apologize for the confusion but, meh, it wasn't that confusing.

ETA: I didn't say the OP was holding it against anyone. It was just an "in general" statement. So...keep the hostility to yourself please.

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridemaid-duties-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:faeb824a-3e57-47ad-a40c-ef39fcefc008Post:4231c854-5a56-4354-b4df-8cec42769dfc">Re: Bridemaid Duties Question</a>:
[QUOTE]sorry for the confusion then. You didn't know I was talking about that specific post. My bad there. I thought I made it clear which post I was talking about but you must have missed that, and that's fine.
Posted by healyl99[/QUOTE]

::snort::

emilyinchile · April 2010

I appreciate the apology. And in that case, I think I'll duck out of this thread...I stand by my responses to the OP in the thread you're talking about, and as I mentioned there, I think you actually were a bit confused by some of our responses since you seemed to think no one answered her question when many posters did.

healyl99 · April 2010

I guess I read the first response and then responded without looking at the other posts...and realized after the fact.. but the first person who responded didn't seem to answer the question.. woops

banana468 · April 2010

Healy, watch the language. It's not ok to refer to other posters as pulling any feces out of any orifice.

People are speaking in general terms about what is and isn't OK to ask of your BMs.

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