Bridal Shower Drama

ashlifive · September 2012

Hi everyone!

I don't post on here a lot but right now I am so upset that I need to vent and get some feedback.

My wedding is next July but my mom is a planner so she asked my MOH to help her start planning my shower early. My mom was hoping to host the shower with the bridal party (6 bridesmaids) but she was going to cover most of the expenses. Apparently, my MOH sent out an email to the other girls saying that they visited a few restaurants and banquet halls and they found the lowest price they could to host the shower. She told the girls my mom was willing to pay most of it but was wondering if the girls could each contribute $250. Now, in northern Jersey to haves party for 50 people that is a very good price!

Now, I understand that everyone handles finances differently, but what hurt me the most was the responses that came back. My mom thought that the girls would be willing to pay for a part of the shower and be involved. However, 2 girls wrote back and said they absolutely would not help. They told my mom that she was planning something too extravagant and that we should have it in the backyard. Another bridesmaid wrote back that because her MIL hosted her shower she didn't think she should have to host mine. If they couldn't afford it, then I understand. However I was appalled that as my closest friends they were so rude and quick to downplay my shower and want nothing t do with it.

I feel hurt because I would do anything to make my friends happy. Two of the bridesmaids have gotten married and I have gone above and beyond for them. My mom is a reasonable person who would never plan something that she thought was too extravagant but as her only daughter she wants to make it beautiful. They really upset her and she told me that she is going to pay for it herself since they were not willing to help.

ashlifive · September 2012

I never said they were bad friends because they couldn't contribute. I was upset at the WAY they declined to contribute. My mom did ask if they wanted to contribute. I guess she offered that dollar amount because she wanted to make it equal from all the girls. I know you seem to think 1500 is a lot to ask, but a lot of the bridal showers I have gone to have been about the same cost wise. Apparently, after the initial email, she told them that she is just going to pay for it and if they want to contribute something to it they can. My mom isn't a bad person - she just wants the best for me. I know she wasn't coming from a bad place when she asked the girls if they wanted to contribute. I guess I was just not expecting the rude responses or lack of willingness to help (not financially but to be involved in other ways). Maybe I just feel this way because when I was a bridesmaid I was very involved in the planning of the bride's shower. Guess I can't expect everyone to do what I did.

kmmssg · September 2012

Did they know she was considering restaurants rather than the backyard? That would have been a showstopper for me right there. No bridesmaid should be asked to fork out 250.00 for a shower.

HobokensFury · September 2012

My BMs had similar issues with my mom but guess what- I didn't find out until after.
It's wrong of you to be involved. Your mom was wrong for putting you in the middle by telling you this inside information.

ashlifive · September 2012

I agree, I wish she didn't tell me to begin with. I am staying out of it from here on out. I was upset initially but there nothing I can really do about the situation so I'm going to just move forward and focus on what I need to focus on.

ashlifive · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:64020df5-e009-4238-9891-bcb78fadd7ac">Re: Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Did they know she was considering restaurants rather than the backyard? That would have been a showstopper for me right there. No bridesmaid should be asked to fork out 250.00 for a shower.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Well I am sure they did, it is very common to host a bridal shower in a restaurant and actually one of my bridesmaids is having her shower in a month and hers is at a restaurant as well (I'm in her wedding). I don't think I have been to any bridal showers That weren't in a restaurant so I guess thats the norm around here.

HobokensFury · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:391c311f-802b-43a6-b909-6c996cf2fa81">Re: Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Shower Drama : Well I am sure they did, it is very common to host a bridal shower in a restaurant and actually one of my bridesmaids is having her shower in a month and hers is at a restaurant as well (I'm in her wedding). I don't think I have been to any bridal showers That weren't in a restaurant so I guess thats the norm around here.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

I have to agree. Every single Jersey shower I've ever been to has been is a restaurant. We don't do house showers here so it should not have been to a surprise to the BMs.

MairePoppy · September 2012

Ditto Retread.

I'm a MOB. I know how your mom feels because I want the best for my daughter, too. But everyone's budget has limitations. I wouldn't dream of asking for $$ from bms that are already buying dresses and shoes and some are renting hotel rooms the night before the wedding. It's a lot of money to spend on someone else's wedding.

banana468 · September 2012

It sounds like this is paving the road to an awful place with great intentions.

If someone wants your shower to be in a restaurant that's great. However that's a huge amount to ask of your BMs when they're already going to be spending money to be in your wedding. There's no way I can start pitching in $250 for a shower before I purchased a gift for that or the wedding or my attire.

MobKaz · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:f12dc140-d038-419d-9663-850cc7ad5ec8">Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone! I don't post on here a lot but right now I am so upset that I need to vent and get some feedback. My wedding is next July but my mom is a planner so she asked my MOH to help her start planning my shower early. My mom was hoping to host the shower with the bridal party (6 bridesmaids) but she was going to cover most of the expenses. Apparently, my MOH sent out an email to the other girls saying that they visited a few restaurants and banquet halls and they found the lowest price they could to host the shower. She told the girls my mom was willing to pay most of it but was wondering if the girls could each contribute $250. Now, in northern Jersey to haves party for 50 people that is a very good price! Now, I understand that everyone handles finances differently, but what hurt me the most was the responses that came back. My mom thought that the girls would be willing to pay for a part of the shower and be involved. However, 2 girls wrote back and said they absolutely would not help. They told my mom that she was planning something too extravagant and that we should have it in the backyard. Another bridesmaid wrote back that because her MIL hosted her shower she didn't think she should have to host mine. If they couldn't afford it, then I understand. However I was appalled that as my closest friends they were so rude and quick to downplay my shower and want nothing t do with it. I feel hurt because I would do anything to make my friends happy. Two of the bridesmaids have gotten married and I have gone above and beyond for them. My mom is a reasonable person who would never plan something that she thought was too extravagant but as her only daughter she wants to make it beautiful. They really upset her and she told me that she is going to pay for it herself since they were not willing to help.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

As other posters have indicated, unfortunately your mom went about the process somewhat backwards. Her first communication should have been to ask whether any BM's would have an interest in co-hosting the shower, and what, if any, contributions they would consider. Contributions would not necessarily be monetary in nature, mind you. A BM might volunteer to arrive early to decorate, or stay behind after the party to pack up personal things.

What boggles my mind is that you say your mom "was going to cover most of the expenses" and was "willing to pay for most of it", and would STILL require an additional $1500?? In the Chicago area, I can host a brunch at a very nice restaurant and pay around
$30 per person. That would be $1500. I am curious as to what type of meal you are serving and at what cost per plate. If showers are held exclusively in restaurants in your area, surely there is a more affordable place, or meal time, that could help reduce some costs.

Perhaps your friends responses were unusual/abrupt because they were caught so off guard by the request for what seems to be an incredible amount of money.

ashlifive · September 2012

Well, it's pretty crazy how expensive it is to host a party at a restaurant around here. I know because I planned my fiance's 30th birthday party for 40 people and it will cost around $2300 (and there were many places that were wayyy more expensive). To host a sit-down lunch in a private room my area, most places want anywhere from 35-55 per person. That is without tax and gratuity. You also have to factor in invitations, favors, decorations, centerpieces, and a cake.

I understand that every area is different, but in my area showers can get pretty expensive. My bridesmaids know this because most of them have had similar types of showers or have attended showers of this sort. Trust me when I say, I have been to showers that were in rooms larger than where my own reception is being held and where 100 people were invited. Yep!

I do agree that my mom could have approached the situation in a different way. However, I think the situation has been resolved and she is going to host it on her own.

banana468 · September 2012

Bottom line: you don't need it to be in a restaurant. Sure it's pricey to do so but plenty of showers can be in homes. There's NO rule that says the shower needs to be a fancy meal either.

HobokensFury · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:4c6b36cd-c608-46e1-aace-0332aa8aa7b6">Re: Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never attended a shower that lavish! Showers don't have to turn into mini wedding receptions!
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Honestly it's not lavish at all. I know it seems that way but it's a few decorations, a cake and a meal. Most of them don't even include alcohol. My brunch shower cost about $45 pp after taxes and tip. Our area is just crazy expensive. You can't really go to a decent restaurant (we're not talking lavish) without spending about $40 per person, even chain restaurants cost that much. Keep in mind that most people around here don't own homes big enough to host a shower.

ashlifive · September 2012

UPDATE and I need advice.

I am in one of my bridesmaid's weddings (she is getting married before me). This bridesmaid was the one who refused to contribute to my shower because $250 was too expensive. Her maid of honor and mother have been planning her shower. I just recieved an email asking if I could pay $200 for her shower (in a restaurant).

Now, money is not what this should all be about nor what I ever wanted it to be about. I don't mind paying the money to give my friend a beautiful shower. I am tight with money as well these next couple of months....I guess I am just hurt that she wouldn't do the same for me.

I guess I just pay it and don't say anything? I feel like two wrongs don't make a right.

MobKaz · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:8fc27950-9382-4c22-954a-51214c2b604d">Re: Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]UPDATE and I need advice. I am in one of my bridesmaid's weddings (she is getting married before me). This bridesmaid was the one who refused to contribute to my shower because $250 was too expensive. Her maid of honor and mother have been planning her shower. I just recieved an email asking if I could pay $200 for her shower (in a restaurant). Now, money is not what this should all be about nor what I ever wanted it to be about. I don't mind paying the money to give my friend a beautiful shower. I am tight with money as well these next couple of months....I guess I am just hurt that she wouldn't do the same for me. I guess I just pay it and don't say anything? I feel like two wrongs don't make a right.
Posted by ashlifive[/QUOTE]

It looks as if the same error made on your behalf was also made in this situation. The problem is that there is an inherent assumption that the bridal party will contribute big bucks for these showers. This mom made a clear mistake in not asking the bridal party FIRST as to whether they wanted to contribute, and if so, how much they would be comfortable contributing.

I'm a little confused because it sounds as if you ladies from this area find such an expense typical and common. My first question to you would be, "why does this come as such a shock to you"? And my suggestion would be, that as a BM, pay what you would typically expect to contribute, or what you can afford to contribute. You can adjust any other gifting you may have considered accordingly.

HobokensFury · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:7a30dc9a-78d3-4ea6-94b9-8e930d58972c">Re: Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridal Shower Drama : It looks as if the same error made on your behalf was also made in this situation. The problem is that there is an inherent assumption that the bridal party will contribute big bucks for these showers. This mom made a clear mistake in not asking the bridal party FIRST as to whether they wanted to contribute, and if so, how much they would be comfortable contributing. I'm a little confused because it sounds as if you ladies from this area find such an expense typical and common. My first question to you would be, "why does this come as such a shock to you"? And my suggestion would be, that as a BM, pay what you would typically expect to contribute, or what you can afford to contribute. You can adjust any other gifting you may have considered accordingly. 
Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]

Honestly I am too. In my circle it's understood that being a BM is about 1K commitment. That's everything from the dress, hair/makeup, gifts, the shower and Bparty. If you can't afford it you just say no.

HobokensFury · September 2012

I know it seems like a lot but everything is super expensive here. It's really hard for people that don't live here to understand. Hair and makeup alone cost on average $200 here.

ashlifive · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bridal-shower-drama-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:eb6dbfa3-ba1e-409f-91b4-f5c580b486c5Post:59c8e533-79f9-4735-a09b-81c890ef84dd">Re: Bridal Shower Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I know it seems like a lot but everything is super expensive here. It's really hard for people that don't live here to understand. Hair and makeup alone cost on average $200 here.
Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Amen sister. I need to move!! :)</div>

tanyanubin · October 2012

I too live in NJ. It's true--most restaurants that have a separate room charge from $33--50/pp, excluding tax and gratuity of 20%. So, a minimum of $45/pp. I am arranging a shower for my daughter right now. I've found a place on the lower end of that spectrum, and I am hand-making decorations and favors. It will still run me $1,000. My house can only hold 15 people comfortably, if that, so it's not an option. It's just the way we do it here. We do baby showers the same way. But I am not asking bridesmaids to contribute---they are already paying for dresses and a hotel for 2 nights. To me, this $1,000 is just another wedding expense as the mother of the bride, and I'm thrilled to do it!

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