Exactly how offensive is this plan...?

taniabsb · August 2010

Ok, I didn't read all the responses, but here is my 2 cents worth.

No, not offensive. You have circumstances that make it such. I attended a reception for a wedding I did not go to. The couple had a destination wedding and about a month later they had a large reception and she wore her dress again. I thought it was great. We got to enjoy the party and see the couple in all their finery. It was really fun and felt good to be included in the party. So go for it! I struggled with having people at my shower who are not invited to the wedding (small wedding, too - less than 50 ppl) and everyone was just happy to celebrate with me. Enjoy.

LoreeJT · August 2010

At the end of the day, it is YOUR wedding. Do what YOU are comfortable with and those who truly care will be there to support you and your soon-to-be husband.

cadyleemcc · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_exactly-offensive-this-plan?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d9071110-95f5-4b1a-a928-9a2c897a34afPost:5b4491ec-d776-4211-9b43-b4a5c4e5da55">Re: Exactly how offensive is this plan...?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Exactly how offensive is this plan...? : How about doing that, and then when your FI/H gets back from his deployment, you could just have a big welcome home party and include everyone that maybe wasn't there for the wedding?
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

Perfect solution

scottnjenny · August 2010

I think in your situation, you both deserve to do whatever makes you most comfortable and happy!! God bless our troops and their families!!

amylimmer · August 2010

Your wedding should be about you and your fiance. Given your circumstances, I think if people are upset with you because you didn't throw together a gigantic wedding to accommodate them, then they're acting childish and selfish. I don't see anything wrong with having a reception/homecoming party and calling it just that--you'll be celebrating really starting your life together as a married couple upon his return. Your friends and loved ones should understand your circumstances and be happy to celebrate your wedding no matter which day it is. Perhaps you could consider throwing a big one year anniversary party for you and your fiance, instead?

I am a month away from my wedding and am worn out from family members assuming my wedding and marriage is about them (eg a cousin who bullied her daughter into my wedding as a flower girl, even though I had already asked my best friend and MoH's daughter to be my flower girl). If people are offended that you decided to have a small ceremony with your parents because your fiance is called for active military duty, then they need to grow up.

rochelleta · August 2010

I don't think it's offensive at all. I'm in the same situation:

Got engaged Memorial Day weekend 2010, planned to marry summer 2011, but because of his army obligations, we had the option of 1) waiting until summer 2011 to do everything and risk having it be postponed unexpectedly and indefinitely 2) doing everything in October 2010 before he starts armor training 3) do the paperwork in October 2010 and have the ceremony/reception in summer 2011 or 4) do the paperwork and small ceremony in October 2010 and reception in summer 2011.

We didn't want to separate the paperwork with the ceremony either, or anything for that matter, so we decided to do everything in October 2010, and it was the best decision for us.

Of course, that only gave us 3 months to plan a full-on wedding by the time we decided on it in July (we're doing a Catholic ceremony too, and usually you need at least 6 months of preparation), and we both just graduated from college in May, so we have very limited time and budget. But it's worked out and people that matter to us eventually became understanding.

We opted to not have a bridal party at all, and of course I originally wanted to have at least 4 bridesmaids, 2 junior bridesmaids, 3 flower girls, etc. We also went to school in Boston but we're both from CA, so a lot of our Boston friends can't come due to the short notice and some are still in school or working now, but we want a small, intimate wedding anyway that would work with our budget.

The thing is, people who care and love you will be understanding and in that whole "it's your wedding, do whatever you want" mindset. You'll have people who won't agree (I sure did) but they'll come around and what matters most is that they support your dicision, not agree with it.

theceteras · August 2010

Actually I have been facing this same dilemma. My fiance left a month ago for Marine Corps boot camp, he'll be there for 13 weeks. We had initially planned to have a bigger wedding and have family and friends and all that there but since he left we decided that it would be better for us and much easier with the constraints now that we have a small wedding with just family there. We decided that we are going to go out to a nice restaurant for dinner in the evening following our ceremony and invite friends and family and co-workers to attend. That gives everyone a chance to spend time with you guys and yet you don't have to stress to figure out where and when to have a reception. Just have everyone that wants to attend your dinner let you know so youcan make a reservation. And many restaurants have rooms that you can rent for an evening (like party or banquet rooms) and you can bring centerpieces and little gifts for all who do attend. But ultimately remember, do what is best for you two! It is your wedding. And remind them that even if you did decide to have a wedding and have a bridal party, theres always that small chance that dates can change and be pushed back and theres no guarantee that they wouldbe able to adjust their schedules to that and I would be upset if I had bought a several hundred dollar dress and the date changed and I could no longer make it. You're being very curteous this way. Hope that helps! And good luck!!

mle555 · August 2010

I like your plan. You still get to have a wedding. Although not everyone will be there, it will be an event you can remember and it will be special. Isn't that what a wedding is supposed to be anyway? Now, I don't think you should expect gifts from those not attending unless you do have a reception later. And you can expect them later, when you have your reception.

RumsGone · August 2010

My best friend did the whole JOP because her and her hubby were in the same situation. They did the JOP last year and on their 1 year they had a church wedding. Would that be a possible idea for you?

joelsangel925 · August 2010

My fiance and I are getting married in a very small venue too--but it's about us not everyone else. While I know some people will be shocked that they aren't invited...Joel and I are quiet people and really wanted our reception to be a reflection of who we are. A friend of ours said it best--he'd been to 3 weddings this year and left each one thinking "they should have done this...instead of that." No matter what someone will think what you are doing is wrong. But this day is not about them!

VampyrePumpkin · August 2010

I attempted to read all the responses first, but only made it to about the middle of page 2, so I apologize if I'm repeating something that someone else might have already said.

I'm not sure if this REALLY applies to your situation/question, but I just wanted to share what we're doing. We're having our ceremony at a park too. So first off, I understand where you're coming from, having to limit people. I don't think others understand, you have to rent a chair of every person who comes..and that gets expensive. So in doing that, we had to limit the amount of people we could invite to the ceremony. But there were SO many poeple we still wanted to invite. So there's probably just as many extra people that we're inviting to just the reception, 2 hours later. They understand. We want them to celebrate with us, because we love them. But we simply can't afford all fo them to be there at the ceremony. It's just too much!

So I say go with yoru plan. Invite immediate family only to your ceremony. And have a bigger reception, whether you do it the same day, like we are, or on a different day. It doesn't matter.

As for your friends. That's completely up to you. I won't say whether you should invite them or not. It's YOUR decision. If you feel that close to them and really feel they need to be there, then go ahead. (But assuming they'll each bring a guest, thats 4 extra seats you have to pay for, and to be fair, your fiance would probably want a couple of his close friends, so that would be 4 extra seats..assuming his friends bring dates...it adds up). If you don't invite them, then just talk to them about it. If they're really your friends, they will understand. They may be hurt, sure, but if they're your friends, they'll get over it and just be happy for you..and be right there at your reception to help you celebrate!!

Good Luck with everything!!

joymccreary · August 2010

I think inviting everyone to the park,a nd even if neded do pot luck. That is if you truly want to inlude all of those people. Maybe deep down you want a more intimate time with your family. I think you should do whatever you need to do.

mlmaxwell · August 2010

Don't listen to these people telling you what is or isn't offensive. This is YOUR wedding. YOUR day. Do what you want to do! My fiance and I have to get married in a rush because his job is moving us out of the country, so we decided to have a tiny wedding in a friend's backyard, followed by a dinner party. Our friends and family are being extremely understanding because they love us. They want us to be happy. They know that we would have them if we could, but it just can't happen in a wedding that we planned in 2 weeks. Please go with your gut and do what feels best. This is the start of your life with your new husband, and you will regret it if you fold to everyone else's expectations!

lbrediger · August 2010

You know, do exactly what makes you happy-- its not about everyone else and beacuse of the circumstances, people will understand. For those that don't understand, are those really the people you want there anyways? Those who really love you will support you no matter what route you choose to go. A wedding is supposed to be for the two of you and whoever YOU choose to include. At the end of the day, the outcome is still the same-- you're married-- so don't fret and follow your gut! Best of luck!!

daniellejcormier · August 2010

I'm sorry, I guess I just don't follow. So, your fiance is entering the military, starting school and the next several months are a little unsure, correct? You finish school in December. You're only 25. I don't see why you need to rush into this and compromise what you really want.

Inevitably you will be able to find a date that works for your fiance, as well as your families, if you're just patient. I know that is not what any bride wants to hear, but it's probably true.

However, if you're too anxious to wait, then why couldn't you have a small ceremony and reception for immediate family now, and a larger reception later? I know many people who have done that for a number of reasons (illness, death, work, money, etc.) and none of their guests have ever batted an eyelash.

Another thought is to have a ceremony now and invite everyone, but do a cocktail party or brunch reception. Probably not what you had envisioned, but you'd still have all your friends and family around.

If you're concerned about travel, I'd opt for suggestion #1 or 2. And there is nothing tacky about it, it's just a matter of personal preference! Whatever you decide, just choose the option that will make you and your fiance happiest!

k.bitter · August 2010

My friend just got engaged in late May and planned her entire wedding for the end of July. She had an intimate gathering that didn't cost a fortune. You can do it too!

daniellejcormier · August 2010

And holy cow! How judgmental are some of the ladies posting on this board? Either there is a complete lack of perspective/maturity, or they're just flat-out-rude! I can tell you that some of the responses here are WAY more offensive than anything you suggested. Be respectful, people!!!

burrowsgray · August 2010

I don't think of it as offensive at all. These are special circumstances and the people who supposedly love and care about both should understand. If you don't like calling it a reception or wedding after the JOP then call it renewing your vows. If you decide to do the whole shabang in Oct. then all I have to say is start planning NOW and hire a planner too. It might be tough but it is absolutely possible to do this. Hiring a planner with help you to get everything done when it needs to be done and get it done right. Good luck with your decision!

jlawheed · August 2010

Do it. I grew up in the military and then got engaged to a military man, so maybe my view on it doesn't fit with non military brats but this is exactly what most people DO in this situation (in the military) Get married first because I dated a guy who joined, went to school, and then was shipped out 4 weeks after graduation. Do what you want to do and people will understand.

FSIL got married in Australia an had a reception a month later that everyone else was invited to and no one raised a stink about it.

Also, don't be afraid to settle down in a place just because you may be packing up and moving. Yes, you will probably be doing it, but you have to keep busy or you'll become one of those military wives who write "dear john" letters and we (military community) despise that. Your job/landlord is contractually obligated to let you go without penalty.

Stay strong chica!

firemaiden24 · August 2010

I'm not exactly in your situation, but I'm pretty close. My FI is in the Navy and he's going to be finishing up Power school in October. We were trying to plan a wedding around everyone and it was stressful. We had a lot of friends (including bridesmaids and family members) tell us that we just needed to stop and look at what date/s fit for us. While we're still not sure yet what date it will be, we picked November 26 as our tentative date. We're not going to get a lot of the people we wanted to come but really, (this is going to sound mean to some) it's not about them. Your wedding is really about you and your FI. As long as you and him can show up and get married, that's all that really matters. Planning a wedding around others will just make you feel guilty about who can't come.

Btw, in general terms, you're not going to get EVERYONE on your guest list to come anyway. Some people will simply not be able to show, or get sick or whatever. Whoever is really meant to be there will be there. If it helps, I've found that a lot of people (including vendors) that are very respectful of military situations and even if they can't come, they still wish you the best. Good luck!

veridianstar · August 2010

It is not offensive at all! I am going through the same thing with a destination wedding because my FI is in the Navy. I plan to have a reception in my home town after the wedding, but I don't feel bad about inviting people who did not come to the wedding, because I know many people could/ would not go because of the price of travel.

mgwidt · August 2010

Do what makes you happy, if from the get go you didn't want to do the JOP then don't do it. You'll regret it later if you did it. This is a day to celebrate and given the circumstances it's appropriate that only immediate family is there if you want a dinner. Yes, you can plan a lot in 2 months, but just enjoy those 2 months with your man there's no need to be stressed out cramming all that planning when you don't exactly have a ton of time to spend together before he has to leave for training. Good luck!

Jules3235 · August 2010

Looks like Liberty is just bitter she wasn't invited somewhere...

aprilmayjune2 · August 2010

Some people may not be thrilled about your plan to have a small ceremony and a larger reception later, but with any wedding, you can't please everyone! My fiance and I are going to Hawaii for the ceremony, just the two of us actually, and have caught a LOT of flack from family because they're not able to attend - mostly, because we're not paying for tickets for everyone to be there - as if that's realistic! But we ARE holding a reception for family & friends when we return, and while some folks have complained - my feeling is, they had their wedding, this is ours, and while most everyone else in the family had parents to pay for the wedding, we're towing our own line on this one. Bottom line, I think you should do whatever makes you happy, and fulfills your dream for your special day. Anyone not able to attend will have to get over it, and maybe you can video the ceremony to share later at the reception when everyone will be there (that's what we're doing, anyway).

tintinn85 · August 2010

First of all - congrats to your FI on being picked up by the Air Force, and I wish you both the best of luck going through boot camp & tech school.

I am engaged to a former USN Corpsman, and he popped the question about 3 months before he was leaving for the start of his training before going to Afghanistan as an IA with the Army. I totally understand your feeling indecisive over when to officially start your life together. My FI was pushing for us to get married before he left because he was afraid that should something happen to him I would have no access to him or to his benefits as a 'fiancee' and not actually his wife on official paperwork. However, because 80% of my family doesn't even live in the USA a quick wedding with the family that really counts to me would never work in those 2-3 months so we decided to wait till we had a firmer answer from the military regarding the FI's movements over the next 16 months (as an IA we didn't even know if he would be going to Afghanistan after training).

The final decision was to get married the fall after he came home - even though we'll be engaged nearly 2 years at that stage - because it was something that sat better with us both to be able to have all of our family here to celebrate.

It is something that I have to say - having lived through 2.5 years of dating and 1.5 years of being engaged to the military myself - your life will never be your own again. If you wait till his XO/Chain of Command says he can get married, you'll be old & gray when it gets approved (which is why my FI popped the question so early on in our relationship).

Make your plans as you are comfortable with them, if your family & friends are truly supportive of your choice then they will celebrate with you whenever you decide to do so - be it at a really small wedding ceremony & dinner or at a later party. Considering your situation, I would imagine that a lot of people would understand the short prep time, and if they really want to be there - they will find a way to make it.

Good luck!

Nharrop · August 2010

I think considering that your fiance is being deployed, people would be a little less selfish about whether they were at your wedding. It's clearly an extenuating circumstance. I would reconsider my relationship with any friend or family member who gave me grief over that decision. Good luck to you both, and thank you to your fiance.

mymy1 · August 2010

I think you should invite all the people you originally wanted. It's up to them to make the travel arrangements and if they can't I'm sure they'll understand the need to do it in the 2 month timeframe.

I think throwing a big party after can be a little tricky. Kinda saying well we couldn't have you there because I didn't have the time to fit you in, but now that we have more time I'ld love your gifts.

Sorry to be so blunt but that will be how some persons see it.

2 months is doable, food, drink, music and some lights/ lanterns in the Park and the reception is ready. Now that you're inviting everyone feel free to ask your BM's to help out and your parents of course with all the prep.

Whatever you decide make sure you have no regrets to bring into the new marraige and have a fabulous wedding day.

reason00 · August 2010

I really don't think it's that bad to have a private wedding, and then a reception at a later, more suitable time. Who the hell would be offended by this? I'd be too happy for your celebration to let something so trivial affect me. My friend is getting married overseas, and many of us cannot attend, so they decided to throw a separate reception for us here.

I've read some of the stupid etiquette rules and they suck lol.

LindaOneill · August 2010

As an army wife myself, we were in a similar situation. We had a small ceremony with just immediate family, parents siblings etc. and then threw a party in our respecitve hometowns for each side of the family (we were already stationed when we got married).
Everyone was understanding of our situation and it was certainly easier having fewer people in terms of everyone flying in, hotel etc. Do it nice and how you want, don't let social pressure deter you. And trust me, if this is the time that works for both of you do it NOW, once the military gets their hands on him planning anything will be much more difficult.
Good Luck!

alannapajama · August 2010

First off, I love your Great Gatsby icon!

I don't think your plan is offensive, given the nature of the situation I think your friends and family will understand. And I totally get why you want to keep it to just immediate family. Asking friends to come is an easy way for your simple ceremony and dinner to swell beyond what you had expected.

Exactly how offensive is this plan...?

Re: Exactly how offensive is this plan...?

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