How to talk to FI about ring

samsox · May 2010

My FI and I got engaged in November of last year. We had been talking about it for a little while before then, and then he lost his job, so I assumed it was on hold for the time being. We focused just on trying to help him find the job he was looking for and that was it. He ended up surprising me and proposing at the end of the month, which I completely wasn't expecting. Even though his job had payed him pretty well, and he's great at saving money, I never expected that at a time when he was unemployed. I was of course thrilled!

He told me that he had had another ring picked out before he lost his job, but didn't want to wait to get engaged until he found a job, so he just picked a much more modest one instead. It definitely didn't matter to me. All I cared about was that this amazing man that I love so much had asked me to marry him! So we started planning the wedding, and are getting married in October of this year.

He found a job very shortly thereafter, (that pays him even more than the one he had before), and we've gone back to our regular saving ways, which makes me really happy. One of the things I love about him actually is how responsible he is with money.

But........and I know this is a terrible thing to say.....lately I've started looking at my ring differently. Like I said, it never bothered me that it was small, because I knew he had done what he could. But now that we're both doing well financially, I'd really like to upgrade it. I don't even need him to pay for it, he's already gotten me a ring, and shouldn't need to do it again at all. I'd be happy to pay the different to upgrade it. (And I'm not looking for like a 2 carat ring either, just something a little bigger than what I have now.)

So my question is.....how do I talk to him about this? Or do I not? Is there a way for me to gently broach the topic? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

Thanks!

lizstill13 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_talk-fi-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be687e6b-c0a0-4f6b-be27-a469207d769ePost:08ccd87a-26d9-4307-a70b-dcb742828392">How to talk to FI about ring</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I got engaged in November of last year. We had been talking about it for a little while before then, and then he lost his job, so I assumed it was on hold for the time being. We focused just on trying to help him find the job he was looking for and that was it. He ended up surprising me and proposing at the end of the month, which I completely wasn't expecting. Even though his job had payed him pretty well, and he's great at saving money, I never expected that at a time when he was unemployed. I was of course thrilled! He told me that he had had another ring picked out before he lost his job, but didn't want to wait to get engaged until he found a job, so he just picked a much more modest one instead. It definitely didn't matter to me. All I cared about was that this amazing man that I love so much had asked me to marry him! So we started planning the wedding, and are getting married in October of this year. He found a job very shortly thereafter, (that pays him even more than the one he had before), and we've gone back to our regular saving ways, which makes me really happy. One of the things I love about him actually is how responsible he is with money. But........and I know this is a terrible thing to say.....lately I've started looking at my ring differently. Like I said, it never bothered me that it was small, because I knew he had done what he could. But now that we're both doing well financially, I'd really like to upgrade it. I don't even need him to pay for it, he's already gotten me a ring, and shouldn't need to do it again at all. I'd be happy to pay the different to upgrade it. (And I'm not looking for like a 2 carat ring either, just something a little bigger than what I have now.) So my question is.....how do I talk to him about this? Or do I not? Is there a way for me to gently broach the topic? <strong>Or should I just keep my mouth shut?</strong> Thanks!
Posted by samsox[/QUOTE]

This. Take your own advice and don't say a thing. He bought what he could afford and you should love that ring with everything that you are because the man you love gave it to you. He obviously already feels bad because he wanted to get you something different. Don't make him feel worse. And be happy that he didn't want to wait until he saved up enough money to get you a "better" ring, he wanted you to know NOW that he loves you and wants to marry you.

My mother has a very small diamond (1/4 carat, maybe) that she has worn for 30 years this June. She loves it and wouldn't trade it for anything. It was all my dad could afford at the time. Over the years he has bought her other jewelry and offered to upgrade her ring, but she wouldn't let him because of the sentimental value.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

I think a lot of guys would be terribly insulted. Sure, I wish my engagement ring were a little bigger, but when I look at it, I remember DH proposing and other sappy sweetness. If I went out and got a bigger ring, it would just be a ring.

Sorry, but I think it's really shallow to be worried about your diamond size.

Kristin&eric · May 2010

this is the ring he got you because at that point in time you were with him when he had no money, that means a lot to guys and it was sweet that he still proposed to you. i personally wouldnt say anything but i also keep a lot of things that have sentimental value.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I agree. He did the best he could with the $$ he had. I wouldn't trade mine for anything, I love it so much. Mine isn't huge either, but it is the moment and the promise of eternity that matters. I would let it be and to me you are being selfish and conceited about wanting something bigger. Maybe he will get you something bigger on an anniversary or something.

samsox · May 2010

Sure, I get what you're all saying. But I also think you're lying to yourself (selves) if you're going to say that this is something you've never thought about. You can certainly disagree, but calling someone names isn't called for. Didn't your mothers teach you that?

And aerinpegadrak, I've gotta say, you seem to be trolling The Knot for people you can insult. Not very nice. Go revel in what is undoubtedly your married bliss, and maybe let go of The Knot, yeah?

psichick · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_talk-fi-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be687e6b-c0a0-4f6b-be27-a469207d769ePost:1d091e46-ed1e-4a20-bb81-1c73f68a20f8">Re: How to talk to FI about ring</a>:
[QUOTE]Sure, I get what you're all saying. But I also think you're lying to yourself (selves) if you're going to say that this is something you've never thought about. You can certainly disagree, but calling someone names isn't called for. Didn't your mothers teach you that? And aerinpegadrak , I've gotta say, you seem to be trolling The Knot for people you can insult. Not very nice. Go revel in what is undoubtedly your married bliss, and maybe let go of The Knot, yeah?
Posted by samsox[/QUOTE]

<div>no one called her a name, and everyone here is entitled to their opinion. when you post on a public board, you open yourself to whatever people want to say. </div><div>
</div><div>and really lay off other members. you have a total of two posts, and in one you come off as snotty. not a great way to start life on a forum. </div>

trix1223 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_talk-fi-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be687e6b-c0a0-4f6b-be27-a469207d769ePost:1d091e46-ed1e-4a20-bb81-1c73f68a20f8">Re: How to talk to FI about ring</a>:
[QUOTE]Sure, I get what you're all saying. But I also think you're lying to yourself (selves) if you're going to say that this is something you've never thought about. You can certainly disagree, but calling someone names isn't called for. Didn't your mothers teach you that? And aerinpegadrak , I've gotta say, you seem to be trolling The Knot for people you can insult. Not very nice. Go revel in what is undoubtedly your married bliss, and maybe let go of The Knot, yeah?
Posted by samsox[/QUOTE]

sam: this is a public message board. You put a post out and people can reply in any way they want to. And you're free to reply back in any way you want to. But I find it amusing that you would call people out for being, IYO, rude, and then turn right around and do it back.

Further, women who have been through planning a wedding are in a much better place to advise someone planning hers. Think of it this way: when you're about to go into labor with your first child, who do you want advice from? Someone 6 months pregnant with her first child, or someone who's actually.......you know......given birth?

Finally, I've been married a long time. For almost 34 years I've proudly worn my 1/2 carat diamond engagement ring. It was what my DH could afford, and I love it. And yes, I can completely HONESTLY say that "upgrading" the ring my DH proposed with has never, ever, ever crossed my mind.

Once you "upgrade" to a new ring, IMO, it ceases to be your engagement ring and is just a flashy piece of jewelry.

I think your priorities are skewed.

AmandalovesAl · May 2010

I think you should NOT say anything to your FI. I think it's a wonderful memory that even through him losing a job and worrying about money, he still bought you a ring and wanted to marry you. Everytime you look at that ring, you should think of the strength you both have in your relationship and that will get you through many years to come.

Besides, there will probably be more rings and other beautiful things in your future that you can show off for that purpose, your E Ring is a symbol of you two.

lizstill13 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_talk-fi-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:be687e6b-c0a0-4f6b-be27-a469207d769ePost:9973fa4c-0e4c-4f62-b525-f37a1c07636c">Re: How to talk to FI about ring</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to talk to FI about ring : sam: this is a public message board. You put a post out and people can reply in any way they want to. And you're free to reply back in any way you want to. But I find it amusing that you would call people out for being, IYO, rude, and then turn right around and do it back. Further, women who have been through planning a wedding are in a much better place to advise someone planning hers. Think of it this way: when you're about to go into labor with your first child, who do you want advice from? Someone 6 months pregnant with her first child, or someone who's actually.......you know......given birth? <strong>Finally, I've been married a long time. For almost 34 years I've proudly worn my 1/2 carat diamond engagement ring. It was what my DH could afford, and I love it. And yes, I can completely HONESTLY say that "upgrading" the ring my DH proposed with has never, ever, ever crossed my mind. Once you "upgrade" to a new ring, IMO, it ceases to be your engagement ring and is just a flashy piece of jewelry. I think your priorities are skewed.</strong>
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

I think this sums it up exactly. Just like my mother and her ring, she wouldn't give it up even though it's a 1/4 carat.

maratea · May 2010

My ring is rather small (total weight 1/3 ct, e-ring and band), and yes I have sometimes, in the past, wished it was more carats, but I wouldn't say anything to H about it, and over the time we've been married, I've grown to love it. I think sometimes people get really caught up in the materialistic side of what a ring is, rather than what that ring stands for- your marriage to the person you love most.

Maybe if your FI brings up the subject, in the future, of upgrading your ring, you could do it. But just remember what your ring truly stands for- a symbol of your marriage, love and commitment to your husband.

CA2MT4EveR · May 2010

For someone who joined the boards today, they sure know how to scope out a user and call her out on something, with a board term. This has to be an AE with MUD.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

I'm killing time at work because the phone isn't ringing. I'll revel in my married bliss once DH picks me up from work. I'm also curious what name you think you got called, I sure can't find one.

If all you wanted was for people to tell you, "You absolutely should go out and buy a better ring because your deadbeat FI totally dropped the ball!" then you should have just titled your post "Please validate me." People are allowed to disagree with you.

Meaghann17 · May 2010

I think it depends on your relationship. You know your guy best!
Personally I would never want a new ring... I cant wait to be married for the rest of lives while wearing the same ring.
My FMIL's engagement ring is tiny.. maybe a 1/4 as above posts have mentioned. FFIL has offered to replace it but she was of the similar mind as myself and some other posters and said no. For their 25th wedding anniversary a few years back he got her a gorgeous new ring that she wears on her right hand.. but never takes off the original engagement ring.
My opinion is that in years no matter how much money you have saved, how much stuff you have the ring will be a reminder of where you once were, how far you have come as a couple. It will be a nice reminder any time about how during one of the worst moments in his life (assuming losing his job was the worst thing at the time- obviously he got a pay raise at the new place but that wasn't known when he bought the ring) he wanted to share it with you. For better or for worse!

NicciSal91 · May 2010

its up to you. it might hurt his feelings, might not but im sure if you dont say anything youll end up being comsumed by the thoughts of having a bigger ring and end up hating the one you have. tell him how you really feel. or maybe just say, hey remember when you said you were going to get me that other ring, what did it look like?, that might give him the hint without you even having to ask for the upgrade

jackiie.glez · May 2010

I know it is your decision whether you talk to your FI about upgrading the ring or not, but IMHO you shouldn't do it for two reasons. 1) The sentimental value is in the ring your wearing now. That's the ring he looked and picked up for you, even though he was in a though financial situation *which I think makes it even more special* and 2) You may hurt his feelings because this is a gift he made to you, imagine what would he feel if you tell him it is not big enough?

Midgetth · May 2010

My FMIL doesn't even have a diamond ring. Her's is just silver bundled up to look like a diamond & polished. She loves it. My FFIL came from welfare/poverty & built his life up but when he bought her that ring it's all he could afford. They've been married 40 years & she still loves it. My FI couldn't afford much either he got me what he could 1/2 carat (wedding band set all together 1/2 carat) and I love my ring. Kay's does a plan where they told us when I got fitted that in ten years I can upgrade it to a bigger one. I honestly look at my ring smile & start to cry because when I look at it I think "This man who gave me this ring loves me & wants me as his wife forever." and how he proposed to me. I love my ring & I know in 10 years when I can upgrade I WONT because this ring has alot of meaning behind it. Any other ring could never replace this one. So no not every woman dreams of a bigger ring. My sister got a big 2 carat ring & she HATES it. My mom has a 4 carat ring & NEVER wears it because it's to big. Love what you have and the memory it has behind it. And what' the point of YOU buying the ring then it really isn't a gift from him????

elaineanspach07 · May 2010

I wouldn't say anything about it. It shows that you love him in easy times and in hard times. The ring that he gave you was the best that he could do, and I think that if you tried to get another one he might think that his best is not good enough. If you do decide to talk to him aobut it, do it as gently as possible.

brit_bell90 · May 2010

I think it would be extremely tacky and rude to get an "upgraded" ring, doesn't your ring hold sentimental value to you at all?

My fiance asked me to marry him when he couldn't afford a ring, so a few days later his mom gave him her ring from her 1st failed marriage. I hated that ring, I don't get along with his mother at all, and the fact that the ring is from a marriage that ended in divorce made it feel almost dirty or tainted I guess. It was loaded with diamonds and I assume worth quite a lot, but I did not want to keep it. Long story short, she has her ring back and I have a pretty modest ring that I love (It's not even a real diamond, but was what we could afford).

jaclyndoherty · May 2010

Am I the only one who thinks it wouldn't be terrible? If you wanted to chang the setting that would be terrible but if you want a bigger diamond I wouldn't find any harm in suggesting that. The setting is what your fiance picked out, the diamond size is what he could afford. Go for the bigger diamond! I have a 1 carat diamond. I am thrilled with my whole ring but 5-10 years down the road I may upgrade the size of the diamond. People do it all the time.

amjung2103 · May 2010

my situation was the exact opposite -- but honetly would have perfered yours -- My FI bought me a beautiful engagement ring more than I ever could have wanted. a month and a half after he proposed, though, he blew out his knee, and being self empolyed didnt qualify for any short term disability/workmans comp. We spent the next few months pinching every penny, and borrowing from my parents to make our monthly payments (not just the ring, but we just purchased a house too, and other bills - it was right after christmas). Luckily, we made it through the rough patch, he had his surgery, and is back at work already. But most of it could've been avioded with a more modest ring - my point is - you can not plan for lifes little hiccups, and he didn't know how long he would be out of work - rather than putting any additional unneeded strain on your relationship, he proposed anyway with what he could afford then - not with what he might be able to afford in the future. I agree with other posts that maybe as an anniv. gift another "flashier" ring could be something suitable, but I dont think I would ever give up my actual engagement ring.

dmiller9274 · May 2010

Put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if you spent a lot of time and excitement to buy him a gift, and he told you it wasn't good enough? I'm sure you're not thinking "it's not good enough", but as you can tell by a lot of the other posts, that's how it comes off.

Another reason...a bigger rock would make you a more likely candidate to be mugged. I'm sure getting mugged would suck a lot more than having a small e-ring.

526SadieSadie · May 2010

[QUOTE] <strong>And yes, I can completely HONESTLY say that "upgrading" the ring my DH proposed with has never, ever, ever crossed my mind. Once you "upgrade" to a new ring, IMO, it ceases to be your engagement ring and is just a flashy piece of jewelry. I think your priorities are skewed.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]
</strong>
I'm in complete agreement with you Trix.
Sam, you're coming across as really spoiled, selfish and childish. Your FI was down on his luck and you supported him through a tough time and even though he didn't know the new job with higher pay was imminent, he spent some of his hard earned and much needed savings on a ring for you. Be grateful for what you already have. My FI could afford a much bigger ring than what he ended up getting because I wanted something smaller (it's 1/2 carat). The size of the diamond in your ring isn't directly proportionate to how much he loves you, get over it.

APW2010 · May 2010

To me, the ring he proposed with is the engagement ring, and upgrading it would make it just any other ring.

Since you have the funds, pick a super fancy wedding band - the right band will make your ring look better anyway.

You have your whole life to acquire beautiful diamond jewelry, but this ring symbolizes something that nothing else will again.

SMacGillis13 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_talk-fi-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:be687e6b-c0a0-4f6b-be27-a469207d769ePost:d8f4f1b2-6723-46bb-a4ca-40c448ce67c1">Re: How to talk to FI about ring</a>:
[QUOTE] A week later he comes home with an engagement ring and proposes that they renew their vows, still upset about the original ring, but happy to be renewing their vows for their 25th anniversary. Then he shows her the wedding band which is her original wedding band with the diamonds from her engagement ring incorporated into it and the engagement ring was a product of the gold from the original engagement ring. She was ecstatic that FFIL did everything and she loves how everything was incorporated, but she would have never in a million years asked for it.
Posted by amwilli5[/QUOTE]

This is the sweetest thing I've heard in a long time! I would have been bawling my eyes out.

OP: Think of your ring as a reminder of not only his proposal, but also of your vows: "for richer, for poorer".

luckyme502 · May 2010

I have no problem with you wanting to upgrade your ring. I would just casually mention it and see if he is receptive. FH already knows that someday I want to upgrade my diamond to a bigger one. I am a jewelry fanatic! My mom has a 4 carat radiant cut diamond with two side stones each at 1.5 carats. I love her ring. It was her fourth upgrade. They bought it for their 30th anniversary. My point is, as your financial situation changes, you should be able to upgrade your ring if you want.

sjnsjnsjn · May 2010

Someone definitely called her "shallow" in about the 2nd or 3rd response (since there seems to be some question as to whether names were called!) I agree with everyone who says to just keep the ring you have... kind of like the song, 'love the one you're with!'

luckyme502 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_talk-fi-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:be687e6b-c0a0-4f6b-be27-a469207d769ePost:e127dcf5-895d-4d61-a254-3e39049e4e0e">Re: How to talk to FI about ring</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in complete agreement with you Trix. Sam, you're coming across as really spoiled, selfish and childish. Your FI was down on his luck and you supported him through a tough time and even though he didn't know the new job with higher pay was imminent, he spent some of his hard earned and much needed savings on a ring for you. Be grateful for what you already have. My FI could afford a much bigger ring than what he ended up getting because I wanted something smaller (it's 1/2 carat). The size of the diamond in your ring isn't directly proportionate to how much he loves you, get over it.
Posted by 526SadieSadie[/QUOTE]

Whatever. It's a ring she will be wearing everyday, she should love it! Of course the size of the diamond isn't proportionate to how much he loves her, she never said it was, and I didn't get that from her post at all. She can be grateful for the ring and still want a different one.

I'm guessing she didn't settle for the man she is marrying, so why should she settle for a ring she doesn't love?

luckyme502 · May 2010

My mom wears her ring everyday as an engagement ring. An engagement ring is a token of love. It doesn't matter if it is the one he proposed with or one that two of you bought later, it is still a token of love and commitment.

JennaV26 · May 2010

I disagree that upgrading your e-ring or wedding ring makes it just another flashy piece of jewelry. My dad spent all of $300 on my mom's wedding bands and engagement ring set when they got married and on their 25 year anniversary he bought her a beautiful new ring and she loves it. It's still her wedding ring and it still symbolizes her commitment to my dad.

OP, I hear where you're coming from. I am absolutely in love with my ring but I know far later in life when FI and I have more money I will be upgrading and it won't mean anything less to me. If it's that important to you then yes, go ahead and talk to him, but do be prepared to hurt his feelings as you very well might.

miah_23_ncb · May 2010

I think your guy maybehurt or possibly upset. I think you need to do what matters to YOU the most: chance it and ask for uograde aqnd possibly hurt his feelings or learn to love the ring you have.

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