My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!

JB26368 · June 2010

Hey guys,

When we got engaged back in February, we had a few friends over to our house to celebrate. I knew that I was going to put the one girl in our bridal party because I was in her wedding, and we are fairly close friends. My other "friend" who was there, began making comments about "oh, I can't wait to shop for BM dresses!" and so on and so forth, and at the time I was fairly agreeable to having her in the wedding because she is always around our group of friends, and is dating one of our close friends.

So here's my dilemma- this girl has turned into a total bitch. All she does is insult us and everyone around her, constantly. She makes snide remarks about whatever she can think of, from "I see you makeup isn't caked on your face today, way to go"., to "don't you think that bathing suit makes you look trashy, cause its real close.". It's not sarcasm, because we all joke with each other and we all know how to take a joke, but this has been going on for a long time and my FI is at the point where he is totally sick of her, and so am I (I spent the rest of the day in that bathing suit, wearing a tank top over it because I didn't feel like dealing with her!). My other BM has known this girl since they were kids, and even she is predicting a major falling out between this girl and the rest of us, because she has such a bad attitude. My FI can't stand her, and doesn't want her in the wedding anymore, and quite frankly, I have a few other people I would've rather asked, because I technically didn't even ASK her. She ASSUMED she was in it, and by then I felt like it was too late to say no. We don't even hang out with this girl unless our other friends are there. And she doesn't "allow" her BF (who also happens to be the friend who introduced me to my FI) to come to our house or do anything, without her there. I hardly talk to her at all unless we're at some type of gathering, and she also doesn't make the effort.

Is there any way to boot her fro the bridal party? I would really much rather have someone who's actually going to be involved in the wedding and who isn't going to insult everyone there, to be a part of it. I know I brought this on myself by not saying no right away, but at that point nothing was really set in stone to begin with. HELP!!

baystateapple · June 2010

See the stickies at the top of the main page. You can't boot a bridesmaid without coming out looking like a bad person. With so long to go until your wedding, you shouldn't have been picking your WP anyway, but now you've made your bed so...you know the rest.

However, there's no need to lie back and take her attitude. When she says something nasty to you, call her out on it -- maturely. Let her know that you don't appreciate it when she disparages you. If her attitude is really as bad as you say, then she might quit the WP all on her own, in which case you're home-free. But don't replace her. There's no need to, uneven sides are okay, and nobody's going to be flattered to be a replacement bridesmaid.

MissDuke2012 · June 2010

I agree with PP. You picked your WP way to early. But, its already done what can you do? If you kick her out, no matter how politely your gonna look like a Biatch. I've been in a wedding party where it happened. And there is no nice way to do it. Friendships WILL be ruined.

Are her comments really worth you loosing a friend over? Why not just sit down and talk to her about how she's acting? Maybe she has something goin on and needs to talk about it, She might be feeling a little left out or something.?!

CTGirl30 · June 2010

1. There is no reason you should be worrying about or discussing your WP this far out in your planning. You're 16 months away from your wedding still. The earliest you should be asking people is no more than a year out. Why? B/c dresses don't need to be ordered until around 5-6 months out and asking too early is often a recipe for a mess - as seen a LOT on these boards. Relationships can change with time (for better and for worse) so it's preferable to wait until you're closer to your date to consider - carefully - who to ask and then to do the asking.

2. While it was wrong of this girl to assume she was in the bridal party, it was equally wrong of you not to nip this in the bud as soon as you became aware of her comments / assumptions. That would have been the time to brush it off with a comment abotu "We have so much time still - we're not even thinking about the Wedding Party just yet!" BUT...at the time you were "fairly agreeable" to having her in the WP so you didn't correct her assumptions...and you're calling her one of your bridesmaids so it would seem that she is one of your BMs at this point.

3. You have a friend problem first, not a Bridesmaid problem. This has nothing to do with your wedding and everything to do with her being rude and obnixious. Talk to her about that in the context of your friendship - not your wedding. You don't need to accept that kind of behavior from anyone but don't make it about your wedding. With over a year to go you have time to either resolve your friendship issues or end the friendship totally - in which case her involvement with the wedding would naturally end as a result of that.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

Since you went along with it, she is a BM. Don't kick her out, treat it as a friendship problem. If you want to end the friendship, do so for non-wedding related reasons and it will be understood that she's no longer in the wedding.

trix1223 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:06de0038-bee6-4c2b-8a81-628d43761a39">My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey guys, When we got engaged back in February, we had a few friends over to our house to celebrate. I knew that I was going to put the one girl in our bridal party because I was in her wedding, and we are fairly close friends. My other "friend" who was there, began making comments about "oh, I can't wait to shop for BM dresses!" and so on and so forth, and at the time I was fairly agreeable to having her in the wedding because she is always around our group of friends, and is dating one of our close friends. <strong>You effectively put her into the WP, so you can't unask now. And by your own words: you WERE agreeable to having her in the WP.</strong>

So here's my dilemma- this girl has turned into a total bitch. All she does is insult us and everyone around her, constantly. She makes snide remarks about whatever she can think of, from "I see you makeup isn't caked on your face today, way to go"., to "don't you think that bathing suit makes you look trashy, cause its real close.". It's not sarcasm, because we all joke with each other and we all know how to take a joke, but this has been going on for a long time and my FI is at the point where he is totally sick of her, and so am I (I spent the rest of the day in that bathing suit, wearing a tank top over it because I didn't feel like dealing with her!). <strong>Why do you allow her to get away with stuff like this? Why not just speak up and say "When you say things like this, it's really hurtful. Perhaps you feel like you're just kidding around, but it really bothers me and I wish you'd stop."
</strong>
My other BM has known this girl since they were kids, and even she is predicting a major falling out between this girl and the rest of us, because she has such a bad attitude. My FI can't stand her, and doesn't want her in the wedding anymore, and quite frankly, I have a few other people I would've rather asked, because I technically didn't even ASK her. She ASSUMED she was in it, and by then I felt like it was too late to say no. <strong>Again, if you didn't want her, it was incumbent on YOU to say, "I think there's been a misunderstanding. I haven't chosen a WP yet." And then at a later date choose the people you wanted. Because you didn't stand up and make it clear, you essentially invited her into your WP. While she stepped over the line by assuming, you're at fault for not immediately rectifying the notion she had.
</strong>
We don't even hang out with this girl unless our other friends are there. And she doesn't "allow" her BF (who also happens to be the friend who introduced me to my FI) to come to our house or do anything, without her there. I hardly talk to her at all unless we're at some type of gathering, and she also doesn't make the effort. <strong>Make the effort at what? Communication works both ways. It doesn't sound like you make an effort either.</strong>

Is there any way to boot her fro the bridal party? <strong>No. Not without completely alienating her and ending the friendship.
</strong>
I would really much rather have someone who's actually going to be involved in the wedding and who isn't going to insult everyone there, to be a part of it. I know I brought this on myself by not saying no right away, but at that point nothing was really set in stone to begin with. HELP!! <strong> Even if you do boot her now, you shouldn't replace her with anyone. That's just making a bad situation worse.</strong>
Posted by JB26368[/QUOTE]

suz62984 · June 2010

Since you are 16 months out you can stop talking to her and she will assume she is out. End the friendship and she won't think she is a BM. Personally I wouldn't want to be friends with her. Than again I would have already made some bitchy response like "Well you look like complete sh!t today. How does that feel? Does that feel good? No? Maybe you should stop making bitchy remarks to everyone and people will like you again." Either way if you and FI are sick of her than just cut her out of your life. If you see her, ignore her. Unfortunately you won't be able to invite her BF over to your house without her coming. Maybe you could meet him for lunch somewhere and it will just be you and your friend.

skttlezgrl · June 2010

She may not be aware that she is hurting your feelings and that her behavior is not acceptable. I agree with everyone else just call her out on it in a mature way, if she says something that hurts just say "you know when you say things like that it really hurts my feelings." She may be suprised that she is hurting you and apologise for the remarks; she may just be "jokin around" like you said you click does and not realize their hurtful. I wouldn't kick her out of the wedding because you will just make more drama foryourself down the road that you do not need. Like everyone said talk to her as a friend and treat it that way right now, you never know she could do a 180 and become an incredible BM or she will just cut herself out then you don't have to worry about it.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Don't boot her unless you're absolutely, 100% sure you want the friendship to end. Because that is the likely impact.

Talk to her about the things she says to you and say that it isn't funny and it's hurtful. That's a friendship problem, not a bride-BM problem.

Stop talking about the wedding or planning. Stand your ground if anyone else assumes her way into the WP.

loop0406 · June 2010

The thing is, you were fairly agreeable to having her in the wedding....and now that she's acting like a bitch, she shouldn't be thrown out...if you're completely done with her and will never see her again, then go ahead and boot her....btw, the other knotties are right, you're 16 months out, I personally wouldn't be picking a bridal party so far in advance.

deepcovejackie · June 2010

Yep, the key here is "I was fairly agreeable to having her in the wedding." That means she's a bridesmaid. If you kick her out you risk ruining the friendship, as well as making yourself look bad.

damaless · June 2010

If you boot her, you run the risk of ending the friendship. If you're cool with the potential consequences, what you do with your own wedding party is your business.

banana468 · June 2010

I think you need to treat this as a friendship issue. Your friend is not being a good friend. Talk to her about how you feel about her actions.

IF for some reason you decide that you no longer want to be friends then boot her. But just know that doing so is a completely friendship ending move.

alexandravgl · June 2010

I had a very similar issue with one of my BM and I took took the advice from some of the girls on here and had a little chat with my BM. I found some of the things she was saying very hurtful, and I didnt want her to be like that on our wedding day. I had the same question as you " Can I just kick her out" The answer is no, no matter what you would be a bridezilla. I would just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Things are great between us now, and I am very glad to have listened to everyone one here.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:07ba6bb1-deeb-43d4-b740-3649516660b9">Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a very similar issue with one of my BM and I took took the advice from some of the girls on here and had a little chat with my BM. I found some of the things she was saying very hurtful, and I didnt want her to be like that on our wedding day. I had the same question as you " Can I just kick her out" The answer is no, no matter what you would be a bridezilla. I would just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Things are great between us now, and I am very glad to have listened to everyone one here.
Posted by alexandravgl[/QUOTE]
I'm glad things worked out for you! Nice to know the advice on here isn't totally worthless ;)

sazatronic · June 2010

My cousin was pretty tired of one of her bridesmaids, and being a friend of both of them, I knew that my cousin was being a bit bitchy because she freaks out about having every little thing her way and can't handle someone being the least bit rude to her. I also knew that the bm was feeling unwelcome and hurt because of the way my cousin was treating her. Both of them had apologies to make to the other, and I talked to both of them seperately and told them just to talk to one another, apologize for being rude, and simply let each other know how much they cared about one another. Now that they've talked, they feel much better, and everything is hunky-dory.

You are being very preemptive about kicking her out. There have been many times when I have been "sick" of one of my friends. It's probably the result of spending too much time with them. In a month she may cool off, and you might too, and you'll be friends again. Don't do anything too far ahead of time. Chances are everything will blow over and you'll be perfectly happy having her in your wedding party. Maybe her bitchiness is because of a problem she's having in her personal life. Does she feel left out, or hurt by someone? Talk to her, tell her you want to know if there's something happening in her life to make her feel like she needs to lash out at you. By the time your wedding gets close, she will either be your friend, or she will have moved on and not even consider you a friend anymore. So don't worry about kicking her out yet. Waaaaayyyy too far ahead of time.

meowmix06 · June 2010

I don't know maybe it's just me but the title of the post reminded me of a MAURY episode or something lol

rlg510 · June 2010

I think you should ask yourself what is a true friend. If this person doesn't fit that defintion, then don't concern yourself with not having her part of the bridal party.

Your wedding is far enough out to just say that you haven't finalized your ceremony plans yet. When it comes time to do real bridesmaid selection (like picking dresses, etc.) then just say that you and your FI decided to have a maximun mumber of # and more than that would be too many. A TRUE friend will understand and still wish you all the best.

I am doing that for both bridal party and to guest list. I have a lot of guests that are assuming they are invited when they might not be. I am telling people I want a small wedding of ony 50 people and one bridesmaid so that they don't get to excited expecting to attend or participate.

Good luck.
Regina

emilyinchile · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:5129842e-00ed-42c9-9916-bd79c047e0ee">Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should ask yourself what is a true friend. If this person doesn't fit that defintion, then don't concern yourself with not having her part of the bridal party. Your wedding is far enough out to just say that you haven't finalized your ceremony plans yet. When it comes time to do real bridesmaid selection (like picking dresses, etc.) then just say that you and your FI decided to have a maximun mumber of # and more than that would be too many. A TRUE friend will understand and still wish you all the best. I am doing that for both bridal party and to guest list. I have a lot of guests that are assuming they are invited when they might not be. I am telling people I want a small wedding of ony 50 people and one bridesmaid so that they don't get to excited expecting to attend or participate. Good luck. Regina
Posted by rlg510[/QUOTE]

I don't know that it even has to be said, but this is horrible advice. Everything from going back on your word to choosing your WP based on numbers is awful. There is a world of difference between not being able to invite everyone who might be hoping for an invite and saying "actually I was kidding, you're not a BM anymore".

banana468 · June 2010

Yup - emilyinchile is right....again!

lmasters15 · June 2010

I don't see the big deal in kicking people out of your wedding party. It's YOUR wedding. Why keep someone involved that isn't going to make the day about you and help make it special. AND this girl was never even asked to be in the wedding. Just have a party to announce your bridesmaids and house party and either don't invite her or put her in the house party. Don't put this rude girl in your wedding or she will ruin your day and you will forever regret.

Just my opinion!

nda_roxybabe · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:79888187-7cea-4457-a4c4-747df2b4ffa5">Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see the big deal in kicking people out of your wedding party. It's YOUR wedding. Why keep someone involved that isn't going to make the day about you and help make it special. AND this girl was never even asked to be in the wedding. Just have a party to announce your bridesmaids and house party and either don't invite her or put her in the house party. Don't put this rude girl in your wedding or she will ruin your day and you will forever regret. Just my opinion!
Posted by lmasters15[/QUOTE]
Because it's rude and hurts peoples feelings and ruins friendships. That's why.

One person is capable of ruining your day? That's sad.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

The presence or absence of one person (other than your FI) will not ruin your day. When did being a melodramatic bride come into vogue?

lmasters15 · June 2010

If she isn't her real friend though, there isn't much to ruin by giving her the boot. And, yes, one person could effect your big day. If this friend consistently repeats her current behavior by being negative and rude and makes snide comments about the way you look on your wedding day or says something rude about your family...it's going to damper the mood. Just saying, if you forsee this happening, don't involve a person like that, especially when they weren't even asked to be in the wedding in the first place.

But it's just my opinion. I think you should just do what feels right for your situation.

LD1970 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:79888187-7cea-4457-a4c4-747df2b4ffa5">Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see the big deal in kicking people out of your wedding party. It's YOUR wedding. Why keep someone involved that isn't going to make the day about you and help make it special. AND this girl was never even asked to be in the wedding. Just have a party to announce your bridesmaids and house party and either don't invite her or put her in the house party. <strong>Don't put this rude girl in your wedding or she will ruin your day and you will forever regret.</strong> Just my opinion!
Posted by lmasters15[/QUOTE]
This is ridiculous. Of course one person can't ruin your day.<div>
</div><div>My cousin's sister/BM had a freakout at her in the bridal suite at the venue while they were getting ready for the wedding, and their mom sided with the sister/BM. My cousin, the bride, was made to CRY before her wedding while getting ready.</div><div>
</div><div>And it still didn't ruin her day. She's still married and happy. And she had a great wedding.</div>

bablingbrooke · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:f50b10ae-507a-4acf-a140-063d8948465d">Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!! : This is ridiculous. Of course one person can't ruin your day. My cousin's sister/BM had a freakout at her in the bridal suite at the venue while they were getting ready for the wedding, and their mom sided with the sister/BM. My cousin, the bride, was made to CRY before her wedding while getting ready. And it still didn't ruin her day. She's still married and happy. And she had a great wedding.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]
My sister caught on FIRE during our ceremony (on top of a bunch of other crazy behaviour)! I win. Still didn't ruin it.

LD1970 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-assumed-she-wedding-party-now-want-her-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e3996fcd-fb7a-41da-9f5f-993e64e78efdPost:890cf940-3ea1-43ce-9967-4fbdaeba7ea7">Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!! : My sister caught on FIRE during our ceremony (on top of a bunch of other crazy behaviour)! I win. Still didn't ruin it.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I've read about your sister. You win. That contest, I don't even WANT to win!

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Yeah sis is cray-cray. I wish I didn't win that contest. But I keep bringing her up because we still had a wonderful wedding, she didn't ruin it, so the "crises" many brides bring up on here are survivable if I could survive her

LD1970 · June 2010

It sucks that you had to deal with it all, but it makes you a freakin' AWESOME example of how things can go really, really wrong & still be fine. You're never allowed to leave the knot, you know, because you need to stick around to be held up as a shining example for generations of brides to come.

LD1970 · June 2010

And I still say all brides should be forced to be involved in live theater before they are permitted to begin wedding planning.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Oh stop--I'm hardly a shining example for anyone. I just feel it's better to be amused by the little "tragedies" of life than upset.

My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!

Re: My bridesmaid assumed she was in my wedding party, and now I want her out HELP!!

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