Mom drama :(

shwethasrin · February 2010

So my parents are Hindu, and my mother is insisting on buying saris and gifts for all her sisters in law (her brother's wives). That's fine, except she's insisting on handing them out during the wedding. Like during the freakin ceremony!!! While people watch! While my FILs and their family watch her hand out gifts only to her side of the family. It's "tradition". Am I unreasonable for thinking this is extremely rude and putting my foot down. She tried to guilt trip me with the whole, "don't tell me what traditions I can and cannot follow." I told her I don't care what she does as long as she does not offend people, but she thinks I'm being a complete and total bitch! She even hung up on me. Aaargh, I just need to vent but there is no way in HELL that I am going to let her hand gifts out only to her sisters in law in front of every person at the wedding. I told her to give it to them beforehand at the hotel or something but she refuses to listen

mbcdefg · February 2010

Did this happen recently? I would take some time to cool off and let your mother do the same.

I agree, it seems pretty rude to make a show of only giving certain people gifts. I'd wit until your mother is in a better mood and say something like, "Mom, I don't at all object to you wanting to give things to your family. But our wedding is a joining of our two families, and I don't think it's polite to only give YOUR family gifts in front of everyone. If we're going to do it during the ceremony, I think we should give *everyone* something. Otherwise, we should do this in private so that FI's family is not offended, and also so we can all spend some nice quality time together before the chaos of the day begins." And if you think the sisters-in-law will agree with you, I would try to get them on your side so they can gently convince your mother that you're right.

Is this a custom in your mother's family? Is your FI's family also Hindu and familiar with this custom? I'm not Hindu so I'm not familiar with this custom ... quite honestly, if I went to a wedding like this, I would probably just chalk it up to it being a family custom and I don't think I'd be upset. Especially if the gifts were very specific to your culture, like clothing or symbolic items. (Something like everyone but my family getting something like iPods would be a different story, lol.)

shwethasrin · February 2010

Well, what irks me even more is it's customary to give gifts to members of both families. My mom just seems to think she can get a free pass because my FI and his family are not Hindu. Definitely not okay, it's all or nothing. I get that she can't afford to get expensive gifts for my FI's 50+ family members as opposed to her two sisters in law who are attending, but that's why I asked her to give it to them in private.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

I don't think it's too much to ask for it to be done in private, since she's not giving anything to any other family members. I think there is a Hindu board under the cultural boards, they might have a better idea of an alternative for your mom.

emilyinchile · February 2010

I would probably take some time for you both to cool off and then call her on this "tradition." Explain that while you're happy to incorporate the tradition of giving a gift to everyone in both families, you're not ok with her using your FI's culture as an excuse to follow half of a tradition and be rude in the process. Either the tradition is important to her - in which case she needs to get some kind of gift for everyone - or it isn't - in which case she can do gifts for her FSILs in private. You don't get to pick and choose the parts you like!

bablingbrooke · February 2010

I'm a BM in a Hindu wedding next year and my friend has already warned us that it's not uncommon for people (including the parents) to walk around, talk, and hand out gifts during the ceremony so not to think anything of it if people start talking loudly or seem like they're not paying attention.

I think it's rude to hand out gifts to just one side of the family because the other side is of a different religion. It seems like a slap in the face to your FILs: "You're not one of us." DH and I did a cross-cultural wedding (American-Lebanese) and both our families went out of their way to make the other side feel welcome. Could this be a passive-aggressive way of saying she doesn't like your FI or FILs? I think you're in the right on this but if she's this angry you might as well just let her. Maybe tell your FI's family that this is just something they do and not to think much of it. And then they probably won't.

krmabojo · February 2010

Take some time for you both too cool off. That is the first step.

Let her know that the problem that you have with the tradition is that she only wants to hand it out to her side and not his (you mentioned it is to be handed out to both sides).

Also that maybe hand them out as people walk into the church? For his side, maybe type out the tradition so his family gets more insight on it- or have it on the program.

banana468 · February 2010

I think brooke is hitting on some big stuff here.

The other thing I think you need to do is let things cool down.

THEN, when you're both calmer, talk this out.

I'd try to delicately let her know that while SHE can do what she wants, you're joining a new family as well and how THEY interpret her actions can also mean how they'll interpret you. Ideally that's something you can expain in a rational manner.

OR, you can buy the same items your mom wants to give to your side for your mom to give to your FI's side.

Mom drama :(

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