Best "man" pulls out with lousy excuse.... needs help

[Deleted User] · June 2010

What's even more hilarious is, that Carly's suggestion was my fiance's mom's suggestion. But when we mentioned it on here, everyone threw a fit and ripped me up one side and down the other.

Morfudd · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-pulls-out-lousy-excuse-needs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6242932-de12-4c08-8518-e895b76bc59ePost:006f8195-46b9-47ee-880b-73b4cd45e892">Re: Best "man" pulls out with lousy excuse.... needs help</a>:
[QUOTE]To clear a few things up, my mom was making all the food for the reception and it was only going to be a suggestion if anyone wanted to bring something they could. No one was ever required to bring anything. In our family, when the family makes the food for an event and not having it catered, we call that a potluck. Please don't misunderstand what we are trying to do. Misunderstanding happen when people make assumptions about what something means.
Posted by msutton77[/QUOTE]

First you called it a pot-luck.

Then you said you were just self-catering. It's interesting that your cousin didn't realize that "pot-luck" in your family just ment "home-made."

Now you say it's a pot-luck again, with members of the community participating (which is remarkably absent from your clarifying post). Either it's a pot-luck, or it isn't. (And I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if your fiance is the son of a pastor, you probably aren't Quaker.)

Moving beyond the question of whether pot-lucks in general are poor etiquette, it is ALWAYS terrible etiquette to have a tiered reception. So, if you are asking the church ladies to help cook, they should be properly invited AND you should ask all your other guests to help cook if they like.

Pot-luck or not, self-catering or not, and the etiquette of it being a pot-luck aside: who is going to keep the hot dishes warm while you're all at the ceremony? Who will tend the pots? Who will bring the cold dishes out of the refrigerator at the end of the day?

Seriously; food safety is not to be messed with. (Okay, I know most professional kitchens do mess with food safety, but... you don't want your hot casseroles sitting out growing cold.)

sarah0725 · June 2010

Also, Ask Carly recommends a lot of things that are questionable etiquette-wise, so I don't think anyone sees her as the bible around here.

And I agree with Morfudd (hi Morfudd!) on lots of points. The main problem with a potluck for a large group of people is that the logistics make it a complete clusterfuck. It's fine for a party at your house for 20 people or something like that, but for a wedding crowd... not so much.

Also, it's weird that you think we all should have understood that potluck means something different. Like, let's say I call all cats sheep, and I posted on here about how my sheep is sick. It would be weird if people asked me about hooves and wool and stuff, and then I got mad that they didn't realize I meant a cat.

Morfudd · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-pulls-out-lousy-excuse-needs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6242932-de12-4c08-8518-e895b76bc59ePost:3babaa6f-6474-49b7-a797-ea1304906730">Re: Best "man" pulls out with lousy excuse.... needs help</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, Ask Carly recommends a lot of things that are questionable etiquette-wise, so I don't think anyone sees her as the bible around here.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

Yes, this too.

Hi Sarah!

JanoBean75 · June 2010

I don't give Ask Carly much thought. It's all about validation. Morfudd gave great points about the logistics of a potluck, as did Sarah. I also don't quite understand why you keep changing what you're doing. Potluck, self-catered, potluck. What are you actually doing here?

[Deleted User] · June 2010

We didn't say we were going back to a potluck. I simply posted what I found on this site in regards to having a potluck reception. You all need to read a little more carefully. 1/4 of our wedding guest are local. The other 3/4 are going to be from out of town. If you guys think that's a tiered reception, then whatever.

We have a very unique situation. I'm moving about a week before the wedding to Massachusette. Also, we have not one church but two churches to invite. We're sending each church a wedding invitation ... did you people think we were that stupid?

By the way, I'm a chef. I've got the food sanitation covered.

MyNameIsNot · June 2010

You should listen to your former best woman. This is an etiquette nightmare, and sounding really trashy.

If you can't afford to invite these people, don't. They'll get over it. But treating your "guests" this way is just horrible.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

In response to mynameisnot, you might want to read everything that's been said on here before jumping to conclusions, like the picture at the bottom of your post says, a loose tongue often gets into a tight place. (The Fiancé)

MyNameIsNot · June 2010

I did read it. And you continue to think that your pot luck reception is ok.

It is not.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

For goodness sake, we're not doing a potluck!!!! The only thing I asked when I posted the situation in the first place was how should I respond to my fiance's cousin. I didn't ask if everyone on the whole knot thought our reception was bad. I said, when I posted the "Ask Carly", was it was our original idea. THAT'S ALL!!! We aren't doing a potluck. My mom is preparing everything!

Morfudd · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_man-pulls-out-lousy-excuse-needs?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f6242932-de12-4c08-8518-e895b76bc59ePost:35f272fa-81c4-4a4f-8ad2-8094e8c71dcd">Best "man" pulls out with lousy excuse.... needs help</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance's cousin was going to be our best "man" (yes, she) Today, she imformed my fiance that she was pulling out, using the dress price as an excuse. Here's her whole explanation: Hi, I'm dropping out because I cannot afford the dress. I have conveyed the message to ... as he is the one who asked me to be part of the wedding. And from my understanding he is fine with that. I do have issue with the reception as it's a pot luck as you are throwing a party therefore you don't ask people to "pay" (aka bring food) to a wedding. And I do have an issue with purchasing a designer dress for a wedding that is on a tight budget. Read up on some wedding etiquette. Please stop calling me as I have informed Aaron and as being asked to be the best man, I would be on his side of the isle and not part of the bridesmaid group. I have given the two of you plenty of time to find a replacement as the wedding is over a year away. And I have done a wedding on a shoestring budget. We still paid for everyone's food as I was more concerned with people having a good time instead of making sure everyone chipped into help pull it off. We were engaged for over 2 years so we would be able to pay for the wedding we wanted. I wish you and ... much happiness. Now, let me say that her wedding budget was 10k, ours barely a quarter of that. My fiance is a pastor's son. His father pastor's 2 church and we're going to give an open invitation to them which makes the number of people who will come to the reception uncertain. We were going to have people from the church bring a copy of their favorite recipes and a small sample instead of gifts. This has completely upset my fiance and I. She could have talked to me about finding a different dress that was within her price range instead of acting like a 5 year old. My fiance looked up whether a potluck was appropriate because I was uncertain of the etiquette and found that it was appropriate. What should my reaction be to this trantrum thrown by our "best man"?
Posted by msutton77[/QUOTE]

But... this is exactly what other people are defining as "potluck."

Thanks for clarifying the self-catering, and that you aren't just relying on the potluck to feed everyone. To answer your first question about the tantrum = why don't you explain to her what you mean by potluck?

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Thank you, Morfudd. I never got the chance to explain anything to her. She did email an apology to my fiance and to him only because she said that she shouldn't have to deal with me because she was standing on my side.

But she not only hurt my fiance, but me as well and his parents. FI's parents helped her through an extremely hard time and supported her in her wedding when her only family wouldn't. So they were upset by what she did.

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