Second Weddings

Ex Wife

When my fiancee and I went for our first pre-marital session the pastor informed him that he has to inform his ex wife. 

This bothers me as they have joint custody (week on/.week off) and when the kids are visiting me and she phones, they get scared and nervous.  She is very opinionated, always right, and has a major hate on for her ex.  She was physically abusive to him (spitting, hitting, yelling, etc) not that he was perfect. 

How do you tell the ex?

Re: Ex Wife

  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    First, YOU don't tell the ex.  So, second, breathe and relax.  Your FI needs to tell his ex-wife in whatever way he feels is best.  Luckily, you get to step back from it all.  This is his responsibility, not yours.
  • edited December 2011
    I know I don't have to tell the ex, but he does, and the only way they communicate is through the kids (18, 12 and 10) or through email.  He is worried how she is going to react (she is the one that wanted the divorce).
  • edited December 2011
    It is not fair to the children to expect them to deliver this news.  If he communicates via email, I think it would be fine to send her a brief email that says, "Just wanted you to hear it from me, Lori and I are getting married."  You also mentioned her phoning, so if they also speak by phone- it would probably be more acceptable to call with exactly the same message as above.  ~Donna
  • edited December 2011
    He is not going to ask the children to tell her, he is going to tell her.  But she has a violent temper and he doesn't know how she will react.  They do not speak by phone, she phones the kids but refuses to speak to him on any subject.  The only way they "talk" is through email and she can be pretty nasty.  He is worried that when he tells her she will come unglued and take it out on the boys.
  • handfast4mehandfast4me member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    First, you can't control someone else's actions.  That means your FI and his ex-wife, which, btw, is the mother of his children.  It's up to him, and he will have to deal with the consequences.  My advice is simple: stay out of it. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • AbbeyS2011AbbeyS2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I understand that he will need to inform his ex of you getting married, but I fail to see how the pastor dictates that he must?  Is that part of the counseling, or was it just a suggestion?

    At any rate, this is something he needs to do on his own. 
    Has he told the kids yet?  I suggest he sit down with them, alone(without you) and tell them, then tell his ex while they are still at your house.  That may be the best course of action, and avoid the "Guess what, Mommy?  Daddy is marrying ______!" at the weekly kid exchange.  Better that they hear it from him instead of her it sounds like. 

    If he is so concerned about their welfare while with their mother, he is perfectly within his rights to request a "welfare check" on them via police/proper authorities.  When my ex and I were separated and he had the kids for a brief time, I was told I could request that an officer drop in to check on my children. 
    Anniversary
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would email her with the news while the kids are with you for the week.  That should give her time to cool off.  And like someone else suggested - a well-being check if he is really afraid that she'll go spare from the news.
  • edited December 2011
    I don't have anything at all to do with the ex wife, I don't speak to her.  And I don't plan to.

    She knows I babysit the kids if my fiancee is out of town

    (His kids know we are getting married and are thrilled).

    I was just wondering if anyone had to do this and any advce you might have for him.
  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Short and Sweet:  Ex-W, Lori and I are getting married on xxxxx date.  Sincerely, Edwin

    Or over the phone/in person:  Same thing; sans the sincerely tho.

    What exactly does he think she will go apeshit over?  She wanted the divorce didn't she?  She apparently does not care for him anymore.  Unless it's a case of I don't want him but no one else can have him?
  • edited December 2011
    I just told my exhusband the news. I was going to tell him in person but decided I did not want to tell him infront of the kids. So I sent him a short text. It just said I'd rather you hear it from me that Andrew and I got engaged last night. Just thought I'd give you the heads up so you wern't caught off guard.  He said ok and we left it at that.

    Good luck!! I do agree he should tell her when you have the kids for a week. Then she will have a week to calm down about it.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_ex-wife?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6a7ef60f-01c9-4d7d-b3e9-bcbd61a42738Post:00e067fe-f2f4-47bd-ae4a-9993cee9f529">Re: Ex Wife</a>:
    [QUOTE]Unless it's a case of I don't want him but no one else can have him?
    Posted by Marrin713[/QUOTE]

    I think that is the case.
  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    My FI will tell his xW after the wedding and honeymoon otherwise she would attempt to create drama - that is her M/O.  She lives on the East coast and we live on the West - no chance of bumping into one another.

    My xH and I have a no contact order so there won't be any me telling him, and he lives closer to Canada than I do.  If a friend of mine sees him and tells him oh well; but most of  my friends have very low opinions of him so it's unlikely that will happen.
  • BCrosbyBCrosby member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have a difficult time with my husband. And we have communication problems. with that being said.  I mail a "certified letter" on anything that is important. I make sure I watch what I say around my kids because it does Affect them. So I would suggest for him to send a certified letter that she is to sign for. keep it short and sweet. 
  • BCrosbyBCrosby member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry "I have a difficult time with my EX HUSBAND". I'm typeing to fast! haha.  The reason why the pastor says he needs to tell the ex wife is because even though it seems to be none of her business about you two, she still should know because you are a part of the childrens lives and will be a part of the family. Even if you have nothing to do with her.  Again, simple email or better yet as I have said above, certified letter that requires signature.  Keep it short and sweet and straight to the point.  Things will work out.  If the EX flips out just stay calm and ignore it.  And I know that can be hard to do.  My ex was abusive as well, he knew I was engaged. didnt need to tell him since he saw the ring.  But I did tell him "Hey BTW Im getting remarried just thought you should know" surprisingly he was quite calm...
  • edited December 2011
    I don't live with my fiancee so if the **it hits the fan I am an hour and a half away.
  • edited December 2011
    I think that if they share custody of an 8, 10, and 12 year old, and the three kids have any idea that the two of you are getting married, she already knows. Kids can't keep secrets. My kids are teenagers and it took them approximately 20 minutes to fill their dad in when Robert & I were engaged. Their dad & I do not have a good relationship, he refuses to speak to me, only texts me and he and his wife use all 4 days that they spend with my kids trashing Robert & I to my kids. But, kids are smart, they know who is who and what is what, and if you behave with dignity and respect and watch what is said around them, it will be best for everyone. The pastor cannot dictate to you what is said to the ex-it is courteous to let her know what is going on, but obviously your FI knows best when and how to break it to her. I'm sure she probably already knows, though.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Kids are 18, 12 and 10 and wouldn't tell Mom, they are terrified of you.  They say they never talk about their Dad to their Mom, she would come unglued.  (the 18 year old confirms that the ex wife knows nothing about us being engaged)
  • klbrengleklbrengle member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If the kids already know, she may know too depending on how old they are.  My ex-husband got engaged a few months ago and I heard about it from my 6-year old daughter.  In fact, my ex never mentioned it, because that's how awesome he is lol.

    He should get to asap, before it's too late and she hears it from someone else.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm glad I found this thread - I just asked a similar question before I realized how to seach for topics (duh). My FI and I have the same struggle...and I know he needs to tell her, and I have nothing to do with her. We have concerns about what she might do once she finds out, so he's not sure WHEN to tell her. His son knows and seems okay with it, and we do not want him in the middle (she does that already).

    I know I can't tell her, and it's his decision...I guess my dilemma is how to be most supportive of him, and some thoughts about what others with very difficult exes have done.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Anniversary
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