Clothing for a Difficult Family

brimcleod · December 2009

I come from a family that tends to be very "redneck"ish. They wear jeans, tees, and no shoes to EVERYTHING.
My cousin is getting married 4 months before me, and they're having a very casual backyard wedding.
My wedding, on the other hand is in a church & I want them to wear something more formal. I understand that my wording should be "semi-formal", because I would like the guys to wear a suit & tie and girls to wear dresses or skirt/blouse. Everyone also has to wear shoes. I'm afraid if I put "semi-formal" on the invitation, my family would stretch the "semi" and be relaxed on the "formal". In other words, wear the same things they normally would.
How should I word the invitation differently or get it across to them that I want them to dress their absolute best?

I also had the idea of getting a ton of really cheap flip flops for the reception, so they can kick of their dress shoes & throw on flip flops for dancing.

sucrets4 · December 2009

stfu.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

Sucrets, what are you doing barefoot in her thread? Didn't you just hear what she said about not dressing formal enough??1!11

sucrets4 · December 2009

zomg, and I thought her wedding was black tie, so I bought a wedding gown to wear. AT HER WEDDING!!!!!!

I'm such a biitch.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

You don't.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:8eff18f9-a40b-4e3f-95aa-c8e39d24fa5d">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]zomg, and I thought her wedding was black tie, so I bought a wedding gown to wear. AT HER WEDDING!!!!!! I'm such a biitch.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

That's okay, just ask for a pair of her reception flip flops.

OP, do you see how ridiculous the flip flop idea is given your question?

SarahnVinny · December 2009

SERIOUSLY? Didnt you just post that your wedding would be "black tie!" and that we just dont understand how much you are capable of pulling off?

STFU!

SarahPLiz · December 2009

you dictate the formality with the invitation style, and if anyone asks, you can pass the word that its semi-formal, not casual. But you can't control what they do. Plan a semi-formal wedding and look great in your pictures and let them dress themselves. It is a huge waste of energy and time to try to control your guests' attire.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

I'm glad you got a clue about what black tie is and isn't. Cause flip flops? ISN'T.

sucrets4 · December 2009

My vote for reals is to hire actors to play the part of your family and friends. That way they'll look PERFECT and you'll have the wedding of ur dreamz!!11!!1!!!!

ExpatPumpkin · December 2009

Okay guys, I sent her over here. I did warn her, though... Anyway, she does have a real question.

About the black tie issue, she had "black tie" and "semi-formal" mixed up before. She now realizes she's having a semi-formal wedding and wants to know how to relay to her family that they should wear slacks, etc.

Benefit of the doubt, please?

brimcleod · December 2009

okay you aren't being helpful at all.
read the last post i put on the "black tie" post, and i corrected myself. it's not "black tie" it's "semi-formal" or "cocktail dress".

can you answer my question, please?

sucrets4 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:d7a64345-1096-43fa-a123-1953986e83e0">Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I come from a family that tends to be very "redneck"ish. They wear jeans, tees, and no shoes to EVERYTHING. My cousin is getting married 4 months before me, and they're having a very casual backyard wedding. My wedding, on the other hand is in a church & I want them to wear something more formal. I understand that my wording should be "semi-formal", because I would like the guys to wear a suit & tie and girls to wear dresses or skirt/blouse. Everyone also has to wear shoes. I'm afraid if I put "semi-formal" on the invitation, my family would stretch the "semi" and be relaxed on the "formal". In other words, wear the same things they normally would. How should I word the invitation differently or get it across to them that I want them to dress their absolute best? I also had the idea of getting a ton of really cheap flip flops for the reception, so they can kick of their dress shoes & throw on flip flops for dancing.
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

1. I figured that even rednecks wore shoes to church, so I don't think you really need to worry about that.

2. You can't tell people what to wear. You shouldn't write anything on the invite, but you CAN spread it via word of mouth how it differs from your cousin's wedding.

3. You can do flip flops - a few girls on here have done it and have cute pics.

anna.oskar · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:d7a64345-1096-43fa-a123-1953986e83e0">Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I come from a family that tends to be very "redneck"ish. They wear jeans, tees, and no shoes to EVERYTHING. My cousin is getting married 4 months before me, and they're having a very casual backyard wedding. My wedding, on the other hand is in a church & I want them to wear something more formal. I understand that my wording should be "semi-formal", because I would like the guys to wear a suit & tie and girls to wear dresses or skirt/blouse. Everyone also has to wear shoes. I'm afraid if I put "semi-formal" on the invitation, my family would stretch the "semi" and be relaxed on the "formal". In other words, wear the same things they normally would. How should I word the invitation differently or get it across to them that I want them to dress their absolute best? I also had the idea of getting a ton of really cheap flip flops for the reception, so they can kick of their dress shoes & throw on flip flops for dancing.
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

brimcleod · December 2009

wow, a bunch of posts happened before I got that one posted! Sarah, thank you for a helpful tip.

I just think that nobody should wear jeans and a tee in a church. I'm sorry.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

I'll play nice.

You can't put anything about attire on the invitations unless your venue (conservative church or country club) requires certain attire.

But, your choice of venue, invitation style, and word of mouth should dictate what your guests wear.

We can't help you if you have hick relatives, though. They need to help themselves.

Just think - it reflects poorly on them if they, as adults, can't dress themselves appropriately for an occasion. Not you.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:f28b5810-d6c7-434d-a83c-16100d5c9b5e">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]okay you aren't being helpful at all. read the last post i put on the "black tie" post, and i corrected myself. it's not "black tie" it's "semi-formal" or "cocktail dress". <strong>can you answer my question, please?</strong>
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Okay, here you go. It sounds like it doesn't matter what you put on the invite, because you will still worry that you won't be able to control what people are wearing. You need to relax and realize you can't tell people how to dress. It sounds like you don't trust your family to understand "semi-formal" anyway, so why not just cut out the middle man and talk to them yourself? Most adults realize that weddings are different from each other (i.e., your cousin's and yours).

Also, the flip flop idea is terrible and pretty much the most tacktastic thing you can do to ruin a "formal" feel to your wedding. How can people pick up on how you want them to dress when you're sending mixed signals?

sucrets4 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:e95efa80-2790-402d-9dbb-174308403c80">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE] I just think that nobody should wear jeans and a tee in a church. I'm sorry.
Posted by brimcleod[/QUOTE]

Are these people local to your town?

If they are, they should know.

If they're not, you should give them the courtesy of a heads up on dress (by word of mouth), but you CAN'T be pissed if they show up in what they're comfortable in. They're your friends/family and you need to accept how they dress and realize that it's on their head if they're underdressed.

If you're only concerned about your pictures, then don't even dare write that on here and please leave asap.

anna.oskar · December 2009

There is no polite way to word what you would like adults/guests to wear to your wedding as you cannot actually dictate your guests attire unless there are actual venue restrictions. (example: my sister had her reception at a restaurant that required men to wear jacket & tie.)

The best way ( i think) to give people the hint is to allow the formality of the event to be an obvious (even if they don't get it) due to the formality of your STDs, invites, etc.

If they do not get the hint, don't worry. They are the ones that will look the blissful fools. I assure you that Aunt Ruby wearing a hot pink, bedazzled jogging suit will not ruin your day. You're there to marry the one you love. Everyone else can be damned.

brimcleod · December 2009

It's nothing about my vision or pictures or anything.
It's about respect in a church. Many of them don't go to church, and I've already had one member ask me if she had to wear shoes. "Yes, you do."

But I will take your advice on word-of-mouth.

I'm sure on the day of, it won't matter a bit, but I'd like for them to be respectful of a church setting.

SarahnVinny · December 2009

I am sorry but I find it hard to believe that someone would show up to a wedding barefoot. If this is in fact true, I agree with pp, word of moith and selection of venue should take care of it.

sucrets4 · December 2009

The church thing makes sense, but it's really their choice. And God probably doesn't care what they're wearing anyway. You'll still be married.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:44f70ca3-a0f1-4018-ac02-aca0f156f128">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family : If you're only concerned about your pictures, then don't even dare write that on here and please leave asap.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

See, this is what I'm wary of, based on OP's other control-freaky posts. But I will give one more helpful tip.

If you have a wedding website, you can make an FAQ section that goes like:

Q: Is there a dress code for the wedding?
A: We look forward to celebrating with you in our best on our wedding day. We want you to be comfortable, but please come dressed to celebrate!

The FAQ section also comes in handy for kid/reception questions too.

sucrets4 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:f19ebd5f-0d5d-4de5-a3e9-392b8bb4a516">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]I am sorry but I find it hard to believe that someone would show up to a wedding barefoot. If this is in fact true, I agree with pp, word of moith and selection of venue should take care of it.
Posted by SarahnVinny[/QUOTE]

::points to state::

Okay, so I'm not from there and don't actually go to church, but I would be surprised if anyone in the small town that I work in would show up barefoot, and many of them are self proclaimed rednecks.

Where's whit when you need her? ;)

sucrets4 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:4f2fa717-8652-4b38-8223-b1f8501f6e61">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family : See, this is what I'm wary of, based on OP's other control-freaky posts. But I will give one more helpful tip. If you have a wedding website, you can make an FAQ section that goes like: Q: Is there a dress code for the wedding? A: We look forward to celebrating with you in our best on our wedding day. We want you to be comfortable, but please come dressed to celebrate! The FAQ section also comes in handy for kid/reception questions too.
Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

The FAQ section is SCREAMING for a fishy poem.

beatlesgirl25 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_clothing-difficult-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b100f4ab-93d6-4042-b59c-284d290e8765Post:92f1ef46-2444-48cc-ae26-8c96121e19a2">Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Clothing for a Difficult Family : The FAQ section is SCREAMING for a fishy poem.
Posted by sucrets4[/QUOTE]

That would be something special. Maybe a collabo with MrsB?

mags0607 · December 2009

I think the most important thing here is to dictate the formality of the event by the style of invitation you send out, and word of mouth.

EDIT: the rest of what I wrote made no sense. Disregard.

sucrets4 · December 2009

mags - it honestly doesn't sound like her guests would get that, and I'm not trying to be snarky at all. She needs to be more direct, but writing something down on the invite is tacky and leaves room for misinterpretation. Her best bet is to do it by WOM.

mags0607 · December 2009

Yeah- I edited it because I reread it and didn;t even get what I wrote..lol i blame it on being tired.

Word of Mouth is good.

thesuninherhead · December 2009

I would answer this if you didn't already have previous posts containing paragraphs like, "Now, my MOH is being a pain, and not really willing to work for her title. I need her here at the end of January for some planning & a bridal expo, and she's making it very difficult for me. So difficult that I'm getting to the point where I want to demote her. But how do I demote her & put my cousin in her place without hurting any feelings?"

If you can't trust your friends/family to wear shoes to your wedding, I think you've got bigger problems than your MOH not 'working' for her title.

SarahnVinny · December 2009

I do not think you can get less tackier than barefoot, imo.

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