In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:1340752f-59bb-4a85-9227-645586902299">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]Yes, there was a bit of sarcasm...However- <strong>I do believe that if someone has signed a contract with their significant other for a venue- or any other wedding related vendors- they are technically engaged. Because I believe- if you sign a contract- you are acknowledging that contract as a contract for a a future marriage. Thus- engaged. </strong> Saying, "Booking a venue doesn't make one engaged any more than buying a crib makes me pregnant" doesn't make sense to me...because you can't decide to be pregnant. However, you can decide to be engaged. This saying would make more sense to me like this: "Booking a venue doesn't make one married any more than buying a crib makes me pregnant" Or... "Booking a venue makes one officially engaged, just as buying a crib makes one officially trying to conceive" ::shrugs:: But it's just my opinion. Not right or wrong. Just an opinion.<div>Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]</div><div> </div><div>This, especially the bolded part. I understand why couples would want to wait until there's been a proposal and a ring given to announce it. It's tradition. I think booking a venue before the traditional ritual has taken place is okay as long as the couple is in agreement on how they're handling the process. If they are both signing a contract and putting down money to hold a venue, the wedding is happening. Ya know? It's not how I would want to do it, because it seems kind of backwards, but I can't really see any hugely negative impact that could arise from doing it that way, so I'm not judging.</div><div> </div><div>The problem happens when a gal comes on here and says she and her SO are "unofficially engaged" and she is planning, but there isn't a set date that the couple has agreed on together. Or maybe they've tossed around a date, but it's just talk, and she's gotten overexcited and run with it. IMO, you have to take each poster's backstory into account. I feel like there's been a lot of sentiment on here lately that each couple must fit the prescribed mold, or they're BSC. While it isn't good to get bogged down in details/excuses/reasons why someone's situation is so special, it's also not good to ignore a poster's circumstances/backstory and automatically assume they are BSC.</div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:3e30cab2-a9fa-4c2b-8f83-412e52086afa">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : This... Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]
x2.
As for the being engaged because you've booked a venue, there was a time, although it was fairly brief and never really caught on, where girls like OP who came to this board were met with "You've booked xyz - congrats! You're engaged", as well as a scolding for putting the cart before the horse and being crazy. That response was never taken kindly by the BSCs, and then sh!t would hit the fan, and the OP would say they felt sorry for everyone's BF/FI/DHs, and life would go on.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:26340ab8-d893-473b-bef8-62728bf0c3e0">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : Yeah, maybe. <strong>But I don't want the OP or any lurkers to get the wrong impression. . . likely she'd take anything like that and run with it hearing only what she wants to hear. VALIDATION! </strong>Even if it is meant to be sarcastic. . . if you give a mouse a cookie. . . she's gonna want a wedding cake. Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]
I agree. I generally dislike when people post equivalent comments ("you have a dress - you MUST be engaged!") for this exact reason. Especially because we always tell posters that WE cannot tell them if they are engaged or not - that has to be decided between the partners.
I thought Lunar's post was 100% sarcastic, but I guess I was wrong. I do not agree that booking a venue (signing a contract) makes you engaged. Buying the engagement ring doesn't make you engaged. Both parties agreeing that they want to get married doesn't make you engaged.
For every couple it's different, but being engaged (to me) means that you are in agreement that you are ENGAGED. To some, that means a ring. To some, it is a casual conversation that results in "we're engaged." For me, it was him getting on one knee and saying those four words ("will you marry me?") whether or not a ring was present.
So, like we always say, WE cannot tell anyone whether or not she is engaged. OP referred to him as BF and said he was going to be proposing. If you're expecting a proposal, you're not engaged yet.
"Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:5e73b4e3-d35c-410c-944f-491f9b0c44d7">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]I want to know how many of these people actually end up engaged.. Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]
When FI proposed, I told him about all of the pre-planning I had done and how many deposits I had put down. He was SO relieved that I had planned everything already. He also said that he was blessed to be marrying someone who is such a pre-planner, like myself.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:494c7958-e06d-42f3-be86-26025a306d0a">Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]Hi Knotties! First of all, I'm a new Knottie on here.... or at least this is my first post. So my and my bf (at the moment) are in a long distance relationship... think Arkansas and Florida (yea I know right)! But we made it work! I know he bought the ring or is at least in the process of it because he keeps teasing me about it! Has anyone tried to figure out when the proposal will be. I've figured it'll be between August and November! Crazy thing is.... we're about to put our deposit on our venue! Weird order isn't it? Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]
If you both as a team are about to put a deposit on a venue then that's an agreement to get married.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:5018bd4e-9ca9-4e5e-9b9e-ef66fa8206bd">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]Sherri - I'm glad you realized you should have looked around and read first, because no one on here enjoys these posts (no offense). The issue that most of us have with what you're doing now is that you're not enjoying your relationship as it is RIGHT NOW. You're focusing on the future and missing out on the present. A lot of us are "waiting" but we're putting our engergy into other aspects of our relationships. It's smart to realize that a wedding costs money. It's not smart to book a venue before you're engaged because you're saving some. You said you 'only' have a year to plan. The ladies on here who are engaged or married will tell you that you don't need a year to plan a wedding. There is also the chance that you or your BF will change your mind about the date you've already set. <strong>And, I say this in the nicest way possible, but what if your BF doesn't propose until 3 months before the date? </strong> I live with my BF. We've talked about our future wedding a few times (a lot actually), and the more real it gets, the more pressure he feels. Pressure to get married usually = no proposal. (He loves me and wants to marry me, but doesn't need me telling him when and how to do it, or that he needs to do it by X date so that we can get married on Y date. He needs to make sure it's 100% what he wants without me or anyone else telling him what to do. I think this is true for all guys.) I don't know you or your relationship, but it feels like you're rushing things because you found a deal.... and marriage should DEFINITELY not be rushed because you'll save some cash. Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>This is such an excellent point. Even if a guy has a ring, things change. A proposal might have to be delayed for some reason. Or he might want to wait a little bit. I totally understand the saving money aspect of planning, but if you put deposits down and cannot change the date, this could really hurt you in the future. </div><div>I know my BF doesn't like to hear wedding talk, and he has even said that he would be less likely to propose if he felt pressured about it. I want him to ask when he's ready, not when he feels he has to so we can plan a wedding in a certain amount of time.</div><div>Stick around OP, get a feel for the boards, and take the advice you've been given. I know when I first started lurking I was BSC. These ladies set me straight long before I ever started posting. The ladies here are really nice, and even if you feel their advice is harsh they mean well.
I really don't understand how, if you're this far into planning, you don't consider yourself engaged?
Not trying to be snarky - I'm honestly curious.
ETA: I'm sorry you feel like we were trying to crush your excitement. We're really happy for you that your relationship is in such a great place! We just don't support planning before getting engaged (if you are, in fact, not engaged).
I dont want to crush your excitement- I know I would be INSANELY excited if Andrew wanted to book a venue, but I would just consider myself engaged- that's all. ::shrugs::
It's just different perspectives.
After Andrew and I got a ring designed- I started getting a little BSC (Bat shiit crazy)- looking at colors and flowers....and I realized that if I got too far involved- the proposal would just feel like a technicality...and I wouldn't want that.
I think that is what most of the girls want to spare you from...the let down of a proposal that is just a technicality.
I'm confused...if he has the money to put a deposit down on a venue and he knows he wants to marry you and you guys talk about it all the time...why hasn't he proposed? I'm really just curious. If he is ready to start planning the wedding to the point of booking a venue and setting a date why isn't he ready to pop the question?
Why is he waiting until after you book the venue? I seriously do not understand.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:d30cea5f-f079-4d0a-b0d7-2c1bfa5077b0">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]I dont want to crush your excitement- I know I would be INSANELY excited if Andrew wanted to book a venue, but I would just consider myself engaged- that's all. ::shrugs:: It's just different perspectives. After Andrew and I got a ring designed- I started getting a little BSC (Bat shiit crazy)- looking at colors and flowers....and I realized that if I got too far involved- the proposal would just feel like a technicality...and I wouldn't want that. I<strong> think that is what most of the girls want to spare you from...the let down of a proposal that is just a technicality. </strong>Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:722d2e94-f531-4eae-987e-2c21f1ff1fb6">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]Yaga, I understand what you're saying... but just know that I am enjoying my relationship right now. Probably more now than we did before. Just because my bf wants to take advantage of this amazing venue and the deal they're giving us, just because, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying right now. Booking the venue now just means we have a place reserved (not to mention, if anything, a good refund/cancellation policy). I know you don't need a year to plan your wedding, but I also know that the more time you give it, the less of the rush and frustration. The date has only been moving forward.... and that's the bf's idea. We would've gotten engaged right after I finished my BA degree, but he's waiting for me to finish my MA degree in Spring. Soooooo my BF proposing 3 months before the date... impossible. But if it happened, we have enough sense to push back the date. And in comparison, from what you said about your BF, mine doesn't feel pressured at all. From the post it may seem like I'm the one doing everything and the pressuring, but that doesn't mean that I am. I will never rush just because I'm saving some cash. <strong>But, if my bf (who is paying for most of our wedding) likes a deal and wants to just put the deposit down... I'm not going to fight him.</strong> Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]
That is your call to make.
In general, we don't support booking vendors or venues before being engaged on this board, b/c there are girls out there who will do this withOUT the BF being on board, who are looking for validation of their crazy.
But we certainly have had a few exceptions -- Sea Tea and Cate spring to mind right away.
You know your relationship better than any internet strangers. If you truly believe that your BF is going to propose, and you won't be stressed out while you wait b/c that date you've booked the venue is looming ever closer...Again, that's your call.
Too many times we've heard people rationalizing decisions they've made like yours. Too many times we've heard "We have vendors booked but I don't have a ring! Waaaaaaah!"
That's why we in general have a very firm stance against doing any booking or planning.
But I for one don't think the world is black and white. If you're saving a boatload and you and your BF are on the same page...whatever. That's your business.
Just please understand the reasons WHY people aren't jumping to be all enthusiastic. We don't want to encourage the hundreds of lurkers who DO NOT have your level head.
For the record, no one can crush your happiness if you don't let them. You are in control of yourself. No one forces you to feel or do anything.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:722d2e94-f531-4eae-987e-2c21f1ff1fb6">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]Yaga, I understand what you're saying... but just know that I am enjoying my relationship right now. Probably more now than we did before. Just because my bf wants to take advantage of this amazing venue and the deal they're giving us, just because, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying right now. Booking the venue now just means we have a place reserved (not to mention, if anything, a good refund/cancellation policy). I know you don't need a year to plan your wedding, but I also know that the more time you give it, the less of the rush and frustration. The date has only been moving forward.... and that's the bf's idea. We would've gotten engaged right after I finished my BA degree, but he's waiting for me to finish my MA degree in Spring. <strong>Soooooo my BF proposing 3 months before the date... impossible. </strong>But if it happened, we have enough sense to push back the date. And in comparison, from what you said about your BF, mine doesn't feel pressured at all. From the post it may seem like I'm the one doing everything and the pressuring, but that doesn't mean that I am. I will never rush just because I'm saving some cash. But, if my bf (who is paying for most of our wedding) likes a deal and wants to just put the deposit down... I'm not going to fight him. Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]
NOTHING is impossible.
You clearly don't consider yourself engaged, so you really shouldn't be planning anything wedding-related. I don't care if everyone in the world KNOWS you're going to get married. Don't plan if you're not engaged.
OP wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants to plan right.this.very.second because she's excited, but she wants the big deal of the proposal. You get one or the other. Either call yourselves engaged and continue on with your planning, or stop planning and wait for him to propose.
OP, you're giving a lot of excuses to justify your pre-planning. We really don't condone pre-planning over here.
I am newly engaged and I am soooooo glad that I waited to talk to my FI about wedding plans until we were engaged. It's so much more special now and not some pie in the sky thinking.
"Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:877cdeda-2ecf-46fc-a910-e5a7b7049c3c">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : I agree with Beth. If he is ready to do the wedding planning stuff, he should be more than ready to put a ring on it. It seems like it's important to you (as you are not considering yourself engaged or call him your FI). Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would say "Honey, I know you want to marry me some day, but I'm not comfortable with making concrete plans for a wedding that you have not actually asked me to be a part of. I will not plan a wedding until I am engaged because that's what an engagement is for." <strong>Beth - the 3 month thing came from my question, asking her what if her BF doesn't propose until 3 months before the date they have the venue reserved for. </strong> Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
I realized that right after I posted and made the correction. This thread gives me a bit of a headache. Honestly I'm sick of these posts and if girls want to pre-plan I don't care anymore. It's not my life or my relationship and I don't think our responses to these posts do much.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:a53a2e35-0485-4218-b46b-5651e47bb006">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : <strong>NOTHING is impossible.</strong> Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]<div> </div><div>This exactly. Things <strong>can</strong> change. When I asked BF a long time ago if he had an idea in mind when we would get engaged, he said within a year of our graduation. Guess what? Its been a year. Our financial situation completly changed. We moved across Canada after making a snap decision to do so. If you asked me a year ago if I would be living in BC, I probably would have said it was impossible. Well, guess what, I'm living here now! Obviously this is different than your situation but the point still stands that anything can happen. Until he actually asks you to marry him, you can't say when it will happen unless he has told you when and where he's asking. You can have an idea of when it will happen, but he's the one asking.</div><div> </div><div>I'm not saying that this will happen to you obviously, but saying it is impossible he will propose only three months before your presumed wedding date is a big assumption. For all I know, he could ask you today. But if you let it get into your head that he will propose by X date it will drive you crazy. Obviously if he's looking to put down deposits on things sure, odds are he'll pop the question soon. But I'd be having a discussion with him (if it was me) about why we were planning a wedding/looking at venues when we aren't actually engaged yet. </div><div> </div><div>We aren't trying to upset you. But you posted on here asking for advice, and if you lurked before you posted you would see that preplanning is not recommended here. We are just trying to help. </div><div> </div><div>
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:97e713db-6b42-4b9b-af33-594b8cd0b9df">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]I need to stop falling for these. Work is turning me into a BSC-eating monster. I may eat one of these girls alive soon. Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
Nom Nom!
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis
Well thanks for the concerns and the advice... but I'm done here. I'm happy, my bf or FI (whichever makes you guys happy) are happy. We love eachother wholeheartedly, and whether it's a good or bad decision, we're in it together. That's all that matters.
I won't post in here again. Wish you all the best!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:52bc9c25-79de-42bf-b587-1479df97cd2c">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]And the GBCK. Good job OP. No one was even mean to you. They were all so nice... Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]
More like GBCNEY. I'm sure she will continue on other boards. And she's on my local board. Awesome.
"Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:36fc12f1-43d8-47ad-81d6-fda37f30ec9d">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : <strong>More like GBCNEY. </strong> I'm sure she will continue on other boards. And she's on my local board. Awesome. Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]
<p style="margin:0in 0in 10pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">I love this!!! <3 Lol I am sorry. She doesn't seem as bad as some but ya still.... Why why why would you put a deposit down?</span></p>
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:36fc12f1-43d8-47ad-81d6-fda37f30ec9d">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : More like GBCNEY. I'm sure she will continue on other boards. And she's on my local board. Awesome. Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-engaged-yet-but-soon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:7d992893-3bcf-4da3-bc79-9614ac8c6d41Post:5018bd4e-9ca9-4e5e-9b9e-ef66fa8206bd">Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!</a>: [QUOTE]And, I say this in the nicest way possible, but what if your BF doesn't propose until 3 months before the date? Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
Well if they're both going to put a deposit on a venue, I'm sure there's a mutual time-line agreement between them.
FWIW, I think it would be totally BSC if she was doing this by herself, but her AND her BF are putting the money down on the venue. Clearly he's on board.
Its obvious that if you are putting a deposit on a venue then you guys have spoken about marriage sounds like you are engaged to me. Base your decison on the foundation of your relationship. I mean what really makes an engagement official? is it really just the presence of a ring? or if the question was even asked? I mean it is possible with even "officially engaged" (those who replied stop preplanning live in the moment) engagements can be called off...regardless of the moment. So if in ur heart, u and ur BF have discussed marriage thorougly and agreed that you are getting married regardless if there is a ring on ur finger or not..again sounds like ur engaged to me! Good Luck to you...
And to resurrect a thread with text speak? Double fail.
"Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be!
[QUOTE]Yes, there was a bit of sarcasm...However- <strong>I do believe that if someone has signed a contract with their significant other for a venue- or any other wedding related vendors- they are technically engaged. Because I believe- if you sign a contract- you are acknowledging that contract as a contract for a a future marriage. Thus- engaged. </strong> Saying, "Booking a venue doesn't make one engaged any more than buying a crib makes me pregnant" doesn't make sense to me...because you can't decide to be pregnant. However, you can decide to be engaged. This saying would make more sense to me like this: "Booking a venue doesn't make one married any more than buying a crib makes me pregnant" Or... "Booking a venue makes one officially engaged, just as buying a crib makes one officially trying to conceive" ::shrugs:: But it's just my opinion. Not right or wrong. Just an opinion.<div>Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>This, especially the bolded part. I understand why couples would want to wait until there's been a proposal and a ring given to announce it. It's tradition. I think booking a venue before the traditional ritual has taken place is okay as long as the couple is in agreement on how they're handling the process. If they are both signing a contract and putting down money to hold a venue, the wedding is happening. Ya know? It's not how I would want to do it, because it seems kind of backwards, but I can't really see any hugely negative impact that could arise from doing it that way, so I'm not judging.</div><div>
</div><div>The problem happens when a gal comes on here and says she and her SO are "unofficially engaged" and she is planning, but there isn't a set date that the couple has agreed on together. Or maybe they've tossed around a date, but it's just talk, and she's gotten overexcited and run with it. IMO, you have to take each poster's backstory into account. I feel like there's been a lot of sentiment on here lately that each couple must fit the prescribed mold, or they're BSC. While it isn't good to get bogged down in details/excuses/reasons why someone's situation is so special, it's also not good to ignore a poster's circumstances/backstory and automatically assume they are BSC.</div>
Blog: A New Yorker in Duluth
Updated 8/8/11
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : This...
Posted by IrishDreamer[/QUOTE]
x2.
As for the being engaged because you've booked a venue, there was a time, although it was fairly brief and never really caught on, where girls like OP who came to this board were met with "You've booked xyz - congrats! You're engaged", as well as a scolding for putting the cart before the horse and being crazy. That response was never taken kindly by the BSCs, and then sh!t would hit the fan, and the OP would say they felt sorry for everyone's BF/FI/DHs, and life would go on.
Life is good today.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : Yeah, maybe. <strong>But I don't want the OP or any lurkers to get the wrong impression. . . likely she'd take anything like that and run with it hearing only what she wants to hear. VALIDATION! </strong>Even if it is meant to be sarcastic. . . if you give a mouse a cookie. . . she's gonna want a wedding cake.
Posted by cschiano[/QUOTE]
I agree. I generally dislike when people post equivalent comments ("you have a dress - you MUST be engaged!") for this exact reason. Especially because we always tell posters that WE cannot tell them if they are engaged or not - that has to be decided between the partners.
I thought Lunar's post was 100% sarcastic, but I guess I was wrong. I do not agree that booking a venue (signing a contract) makes you engaged. Buying the engagement ring doesn't make you engaged. Both parties agreeing that they want to get married doesn't make you engaged.
For every couple it's different, but being engaged (to me) means that you are in agreement that you are ENGAGED. To some, that means a ring. To some, it is a casual conversation that results in "we're engaged." For me, it was him getting on one knee and saying those four words ("will you marry me?") whether or not a ring was present.
So, like we always say, WE cannot tell anyone whether or not she is engaged. OP referred to him as BF and said he was going to be proposing. If you're expecting a proposal, you're not engaged yet.
[QUOTE]I want to know how many of these people actually end up engaged..
Posted by jaycee7389[/QUOTE]
When FI proposed, I told him about all of the pre-planning I had done and how many deposits I had put down. He was SO relieved that I had planned everything already. He also said that he was blessed to be marrying someone who is such a pre-planner, like myself.
/sarcasm.
If you are technically engaged- we are so sincerely happy for you. We all know how exciting this must be!!
If you aren't engaged, we'd like to support you in enjoying the present moment- so that your proposal is one of the most amazing moments in your life.
We don't bite...well...most of us.
So you can come back and tell us a bit about you and your SO. We'd like to hear about it.
Hehe...KathLEEN- You made me giggle!
[QUOTE]Hi Knotties! First of all, I'm a new Knottie on here.... or at least this is my first post. So my and my bf (at the moment) are in a long distance relationship... think Arkansas and Florida (yea I know right)! But we made it work! I know he bought the ring or is at least in the process of it because he keeps teasing me about it! Has anyone tried to figure out when the proposal will be. I've figured it'll be between August and November! Crazy thing is.... we're about to put our deposit on our venue! Weird order isn't it?
Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]
If you both as a team are about to put a deposit on a venue then that's an agreement to get married.
[QUOTE]Sherri - I'm glad you realized you should have looked around and read first, because no one on here enjoys these posts (no offense). The issue that most of us have with what you're doing now is that you're not enjoying your relationship as it is RIGHT NOW. You're focusing on the future and missing out on the present. A lot of us are "waiting" but we're putting our engergy into other aspects of our relationships. It's smart to realize that a wedding costs money. It's not smart to book a venue before you're engaged because you're saving some. You said you 'only' have a year to plan. The ladies on here who are engaged or married will tell you that you don't need a year to plan a wedding. There is also the chance that you or your BF will change your mind about the date you've already set. <strong>And, I say this in the nicest way possible, but what if your BF doesn't propose until 3 months before the date? </strong> I live with my BF. We've talked about our future wedding a few times (a lot actually), and the more real it gets, the more pressure he feels. Pressure to get married usually = no proposal. (He loves me and wants to marry me, but doesn't need me telling him when and how to do it, or that he needs to do it by X date so that we can get married on Y date. He needs to make sure it's 100% what he wants without me or anyone else telling him what to do. I think this is true for all guys.) I don't know you or your relationship, but it feels like you're rushing things because you found a deal.... and marriage should DEFINITELY not be rushed because you'll save some cash.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is such an excellent point. Even if a guy has a ring, things change. A proposal might have to be delayed for some reason. Or he might want to wait a little bit. I totally understand the saving money aspect of planning, but if you put deposits down and cannot change the date, this could really hurt you in the future. </div><div>I know my BF doesn't like to hear wedding talk, and he has even said that he would be less likely to propose if he felt pressured about it. I want him to ask when he's ready, not when he feels he has to so we can plan a wedding in a certain amount of time.</div><div>Stick around OP, get a feel for the boards, and take the advice you've been given. I know when I first started lurking I was BSC. These ladies set me straight long before I ever started posting. The ladies here are really nice, and even if you feel their advice is harsh they mean well.
</div>
Thanks
Not trying to be snarky - I'm honestly curious.
ETA: I'm sorry you feel like we were trying to crush your excitement. We're really happy for you that your relationship is in such a great place! We just don't support planning before getting engaged (if you are, in fact, not engaged).
It's just different perspectives.
After Andrew and I got a ring designed- I started getting a little BSC (Bat shiit crazy)- looking at colors and flowers....and I realized that if I got too far involved- the proposal would just feel like a technicality...and I wouldn't want that.
I think that is what most of the girls want to spare you from...the let down of a proposal that is just a technicality.
Why is he waiting until after you book the venue? I seriously do not understand.
[QUOTE]I dont want to crush your excitement- I know I would be INSANELY excited if Andrew wanted to book a venue, but I would just consider myself engaged- that's all. ::shrugs:: It's just different perspectives. After Andrew and I got a ring designed- I started getting a little BSC (Bat shiit crazy)- looking at colors and flowers....and I realized that if I got too far involved- the proposal would just feel like a technicality...and I wouldn't want that. I<strong> think that is what most of the girls want to spare you from...the let down of a proposal that is just a technicality.
</strong>Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]
This EXACTLY.
[QUOTE]Yaga, I understand what you're saying... but just know that I am enjoying my relationship right now. Probably more now than we did before. Just because my bf wants to take advantage of this amazing venue and the deal they're giving us, just because, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying right now. Booking the venue now just means we have a place reserved (not to mention, if anything, a good refund/cancellation policy). I know you don't need a year to plan your wedding, but I also know that the more time you give it, the less of the rush and frustration. The date has only been moving forward.... and that's the bf's idea. We would've gotten engaged right after I finished my BA degree, but he's waiting for me to finish my MA degree in Spring. Soooooo my BF proposing 3 months before the date... impossible. But if it happened, we have enough sense to push back the date. And in comparison, from what you said about your BF, mine doesn't feel pressured at all. From the post it may seem like I'm the one doing everything and the pressuring, but that doesn't mean that I am. I will never rush just because I'm saving some cash. <strong>But, if my bf (who is paying for most of our wedding) likes a deal and wants to just put the deposit down... I'm not going to fight him.</strong>
Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]
That is your call to make.
In general, we don't support booking vendors or venues before being engaged on this board, b/c there are girls out there who will do this withOUT the BF being on board, who are looking for validation of their crazy.
But we certainly have had a few exceptions -- Sea Tea and Cate spring to mind right away.
You know your relationship better than any internet strangers. If you truly believe that your BF is going to propose, and you won't be stressed out while you wait b/c that date you've booked the venue is looming ever closer...Again, that's your call.
Too many times we've heard people rationalizing decisions they've made like yours. Too many times we've heard "We have vendors booked but I don't have a ring! Waaaaaaah!"
That's why we in general have a very firm stance against doing any booking or planning.
But I for one don't think the world is black and white. If you're saving a boatload and you and your BF are on the same page...whatever. That's your business.
Just please understand the reasons WHY people aren't jumping to be all enthusiastic. We don't want to encourage the hundreds of lurkers who DO NOT have your level head.
For the record, no one can crush your happiness if you don't let them. You are in control of yourself. No one forces you to feel or do anything.
But I'm happy that you're happy, promise. :)
[QUOTE]Yaga, I understand what you're saying... but just know that I am enjoying my relationship right now. Probably more now than we did before. Just because my bf wants to take advantage of this amazing venue and the deal they're giving us, just because, doesn't mean I'm not enjoying right now. Booking the venue now just means we have a place reserved (not to mention, if anything, a good refund/cancellation policy). I know you don't need a year to plan your wedding, but I also know that the more time you give it, the less of the rush and frustration. The date has only been moving forward.... and that's the bf's idea. We would've gotten engaged right after I finished my BA degree, but he's waiting for me to finish my MA degree in Spring. <strong>Soooooo my BF proposing 3 months before the date... impossible. </strong>But if it happened, we have enough sense to push back the date. And in comparison, from what you said about your BF, mine doesn't feel pressured at all. From the post it may seem like I'm the one doing everything and the pressuring, but that doesn't mean that I am. I will never rush just because I'm saving some cash. But, if my bf (who is paying for most of our wedding) likes a deal and wants to just put the deposit down... I'm not going to fight him.
Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]
NOTHING is impossible.
You clearly don't consider yourself engaged, so you really shouldn't be planning anything wedding-related. I don't care if everyone in the world KNOWS you're going to get married. Don't plan if you're not engaged.
OP wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants to plan right.this.very.second because she's excited, but she wants the big deal of the proposal. You get one or the other. Either call yourselves engaged and continue on with your planning, or stop planning and wait for him to propose.
OP, you're giving a lot of excuses to justify your pre-planning. We really don't condone pre-planning over here.
I am newly engaged and I am soooooo glad that I waited to talk to my FI about wedding plans until we were engaged. It's so much more special now and not some pie in the sky thinking.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : I agree with Beth. If he is ready to do the wedding planning stuff, he should be more than ready to put a ring on it. It seems like it's important to you (as you are not considering yourself engaged or call him your FI). Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would say "Honey, I know you want to marry me some day, but I'm not comfortable with making concrete plans for a wedding that you have not actually asked me to be a part of. I will not plan a wedding until I am engaged because that's what an engagement is for." <strong>Beth - the 3 month thing came from my question, asking her what if her BF doesn't propose until 3 months before the date they have the venue reserved for. </strong>
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
I realized that right after I posted and made the correction. This thread gives me a bit of a headache. Honestly I'm sick of these posts and if girls want to pre-plan I don't care anymore. It's not my life or my relationship and I don't think our responses to these posts do much.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : <strong>NOTHING is impossible.</strong> Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This exactly. Things <strong>can</strong> change. When I asked BF a long time ago if he had an idea in mind when we would get engaged, he said within a year of our graduation. Guess what? Its been a year. Our financial situation completly changed. We moved across Canada after making a snap decision to do so. If you asked me a year ago if I would be living in BC, I probably would have said it was impossible. Well, guess what, I'm living here now! Obviously this is different than your situation but the point still stands that anything can happen. Until he actually asks you to marry him, you can't say when it will happen unless he has told you when and where he's asking. You can have an idea of when it will happen, but he's the one asking.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm not saying that this will happen to you obviously, but saying it is impossible he will propose only three months before your presumed wedding date is a big assumption. For all I know, he could ask you today. But if you let it get into your head that he will propose by X date it will drive you crazy. Obviously if he's looking to put down deposits on things sure, odds are he'll pop the question soon. But I'd be having a discussion with him (if it was me) about why we were planning a wedding/looking at venues when we aren't actually engaged yet. </div><div>
</div><div>We aren't trying to upset you. But you posted on here asking for advice, and if you lurked before you posted you would see that preplanning is not recommended here. We are just trying to help. </div><div>
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[QUOTE]I need to stop falling for these. Work is turning me into a BSC-eating monster. I may eat one of these girls alive soon.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
Nom Nom!
Married! May 27th, 2012
I won't post in here again. Wish you all the best!
Married! May 27th, 2012
[QUOTE]And the GBCK. Good job OP. No one was even mean to you. They were all so nice...
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]
More like GBCNEY. I'm sure she will continue on other boards. And she's on my local board. Awesome.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : <strong>More like GBCNEY. </strong> I'm sure she will continue on other boards. And she's on my local board. Awesome.
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]
<p style="margin:0in 0in 10pt;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height:115%;font-family:'Arial','sans-serif';color:#1f1f1f;font-size:8.5pt;">I love this!!! <3 Lol I am sorry. She doesn't seem as bad as some but ya still.... Why why why would you put a deposit down?</span></p>
Married! May 27th, 2012
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not engaged yet... but soon to be! : More like GBCNEY. I'm sure she will continue on other boards. And she's on my local board. Awesome.
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]
Has she said how much we suck yet? LOL
[QUOTE]And, I say this in the nicest way possible, but what if your BF doesn't propose until 3 months before the date?
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
Well if they're both going to put a deposit on a venue, I'm sure there's a mutual time-line agreement between them.
FWIW, I think it would be totally BSC if she was doing this by herself, but her AND her BF are putting the money down on the venue. Clearly he's on board.