Waiting to choose my wedding party (long)

aecappelli · April 2010

I am getting married in August 2011. I have decided to put off asking anyone to stand up for me until at least August 2010. I have many reasons for this:
1. The drama has begun already, so if I wait I can avoid it for awhile. My dad let me know that my stepmother expects me to ask my stepsister to be in the wedding. He said, "She won't say anything to you, but I'll have to hear about it." Really? I see my stepsister maybe 3 times a year (she lives 2 hrs. away). We never talk, not because I don't like her or anything, we just aren't close. I have friends who have always been there for me that I feel I would like to honor and I don't want a huge WP. Also, I have a friend who I know if I don't ask she will take it hard (last summer she burst into tears to me about a mutual friend not asking her to be in her wedding). I love her but we are not as close as we used to be, and again I don't want a parade for my WP.
2. I don't know who to ask to be my MOH. This makes me sad. I always thought I would have someone who I felt hands down would be the person I woud ask. I have 2 best friends both married. One asked her SIL, the other asked her cousin. I thought about asking my aunt to be my Matron of honor. We used to be very close (I used to live with my aunt and uncle for 4 yrs.), but now I hardly see her. Maybe this will bring us close again?? Or I thought about asking another really good friend who I have known the longest. Grrrr....how about no one?

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_waiting-choose-wedding-party-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d734678-1be3-47c4-9279-af44c08b664fPost:17866cda-444f-4e60-a8ab-017b3e145e4c">Waiting to choose my wedding party (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in August 2011. I have decided to put off asking anyone to stand up for me until at least August 2010. I have many reasons for this: 1. The drama has begun already, so if I wait I can avoid it for awhile. My dad let me know that my stepmother expects me to ask my stepsister to be in the wedding. He said, "She won't say anything to you, but I'll have to hear about it." Really? I see my stepsister maybe 3 times a year (she lives 2 hrs. away). We never talk, not because I don't like her or anything, we just aren't close. I have friends who have always been there for me that I feel I would like to honor and I don't want a huge WP. Also, I have a friend who I know if I don't ask she will take it hard (last summer she burst into tears to me about a mutual friend not asking her to be in her wedding). I love her but we are not as close as we used to be, and again I don't want a parade for my WP. 2. I don't know who to ask to be my MOH. This makes me sad. I always thought I would have someone who I felt hands down would be the person I woud ask. I have 2 best friends both married. One asked her SIL, the other asked her cousin. I thought about asking my aunt to be my Matron of honor. We used to be very close (I used to live with my aunt and uncle for 4 yrs.), but now I hardly see her. Maybe this will bring us close again?? Or I thought about asking another really good friend who I have known the longest. Grrrr....how about no one?
Posted by aecappelli[/QUOTE]

#1 - Weddings aren't tit-for-tat. Just because they asked someone else doesn't mean that you shouldn't ask them.

#2 - Weddings are not the time to rekindle relationships. 99% of the time, they do not bring people closer. More often than not, weddings put a strain on relationships.

It's ok to have 2 MOHs or none. I didn't designate a MOH - I simply told my BMs that I loved them all and I couldn't choose among them.

Think about who you would call at 2 am if your dog suddenly died, or you got a flat tire and needed a ride home. That person should be your MOH.

NicMatt09 · April 2010

Hi!

I am in the same position you are, kind of.

I am getting married in May 2011, so I'm not asking anyone until May or June of 2010. I do not want a large bridal party because I always feel like after 5 or 6 people, it's a parade. Also, our wedding guest list is less than 200 people.
I have one friend who I've always been close with, I'm in her wedding in June and there has never been a question in our 10+ year friendship, that she would be in mine. We've been friends since High School when we met, and it's always been something we talked about. I have another friend from high school who I was really close with in HS, then we had a huge fight were friends again in college, and now, the only time we talk to each other is if she's complaining about her boyfriend, or the fact that all of her friends are getting married and she's not happy with her boyfriend. To me, I'm caught. We WERE best friends, now its' more of a title we have for each other, but we don't really act on it. I never call her, she never calls me (unless there is drama) we don't live in the same city anymore so we dont' get together. In my mind, I feel like on my wedding day and moments leading up to it, our relationship would be more of her drama and less of her helping me or just keeping me sane when everything gets crazy. I feel that if I don't ask her to be in the wedding, she'd flip and be extremely hurt. So that may end our friendship. I have a friend from college that I'd like to ask, because she and her husband have a great relationship with my fiance and I. So if I ask my friend of 10+ years, and my college friend, then I have my fiance's two sisters, that's four. My fiance has a younger brother who is 10, and he will be a junior groomsman, I have a girl in my family who is the same age, so i've asked her to be a junior bridesmaid. So that puts the bridal party at 5.

I keep thinking, it's my wedding, i get to choose, but at the same time I dont want to hurt someone's feelings, but then again, if she's going to be that upset, do I really want that type of friendship anyway?

So, I'm in the same boat on what to do, just for bridesmaids!

I think you should find out if your step mom is pushing this, just like the other ladies said, if your step mom is talking FOR your step sister, then you might want to include her. But if your step sister just wants to be involved, it can still be an honor to do a reading at the wedding. You might have to investigate a little on that one.

Regarding the MOH part. I have been a bridesmaid before, but the girls who's weddings I was in, had sisters and cousins that they chose. I've heard the rule that family usually trumps best friends. I don't have any sisters, so I have to choose a friend. I am basing my choice on someone who will make sure my dress is layed nicely during the ceremony, someone who will keep me calm (my mom and I stress and then take it out on each other, I want someone who can help keep me calm) and I"m not expecting to dump all of my "to-do's" on my MOH, I just want someone to be there to help me in making some of my choices and someone to plan a bachelorette party. So think about it in that way. Who do you feel is going to help you with what YOU need for your big day. I've seen it time and time again, most of the time, you pick your longest friend, but they aren't always the biggest help. Write down all of the things you would like your MOH to help you with or to provide emotionally or planning wise for you. Then choose who would fit most of those things.

I'm rambling sorry. I hope I was able to help, I am going through a situation too so I'm trying to talk it out for both of us! Good Luck!

gottahavashorti · April 2010

1. You don't have to ask her. But you could ask her to do a reading or light the unity candle if you have one in order to include her. Just not something that is a 'job' like guestbook attendant.

2. Just because they didn't ask you to be their MOH doesn't mean they can't be yours. You can also have 2 MOHs, or only BMs with no MOH. Don't ask people you're not close to now or people you hope to go close to.

banana468 · April 2010

I think it's smart to wait until you're a year away - and waiting until you're even closer is fine too.

When it comes to asking the step sister, it may be a nice idea to do so unless you see lots of drama.

As for the friend you're not that close to, just don't ask her. If she does ask who is in the BP tell her but don't tell her she isn't. And yes, she may be upset, but that's HER issue. Don't ask her out of guilt.

And it's fine to have no MsOH or to have multiple.

WolfX · April 2010

Personally it was easy my 2 best friends are twins so they will both be my MOH (like you i couldnt pick just 1) and my lil sis will be a JBM, thats it plain and simple. As for more difficulte ppl to place my FI ,best man's wife is a also a good friend of mine and i have to find a spot for her outside of the WP.
Good for you for waiting drama is so over rated!

tidetravel · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_waiting-choose-wedding-party-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d734678-1be3-47c4-9279-af44c08b664fPost:491bf69a-4235-45e8-89c6-21ba5b9f5f57">Re: Waiting to choose my wedding party (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi! I am in the same position you are, kind of. I am getting married in May 2011, so I'm not asking anyone until May or June of 2010. I do not want a large bridal party because I always feel like after 5 or 6 people, it's a parade. Also, our wedding guest list is less than 200 people. I have one friend who I've always been close with, I'm in her wedding in June and there has never been a question in our 10+ year friendship, that she would be in mine. We've been friends since High School when we met, and it's always been something we talked about. I have another friend from high school who I was really close with in HS, then we had a huge fight were friends again in college, and now, the only time we talk to each other is if she's complaining about her boyfriend, or the fact that all of her friends are getting married and she's not happy with her boyfriend. To me, I'm caught. We WERE best friends, now its' more of a title we have for each other, but we don't really act on it. I never call her, she never calls me (unless there is drama) we don't live in the same city anymore so we dont' get together. In my mind, I feel like on my wedding day and moments leading up to it, our relationship would be more of her drama and less of her helping me or just keeping me sane when everything gets crazy. I feel that if I don't ask her to be in the wedding, she'd flip and be extremely hurt. So that may end our friendship. I have a friend from college that I'd like to ask, because she and her husband have a great relationship with my fiance and I. So if I ask my friend of 10+ years, and my college friend, then I have my fiance's two sisters, that's four. My fiance has a younger brother who is 10, and he will be a junior groomsman, I have a girl in my family who is the same age, so i've asked her to be a junior bridesmaid. So that puts the bridal party at 5. I keep thinking, it's my wedding, i get to choose, but at the same time I dont want to hurt someone's feelings, but then again, if she's going to be that upset, do I really want that type of friendship anyway? So, I'm in the same boat on what to do, just for bridesmaids! I think you should find out if your step mom is pushing this, just like the other ladies said, if your step mom is talking FOR your step sister, then you might want to include her. But if your step sister just wants to be involved, it can still be an honor to do a reading at the wedding. You might have to investigate a little on that one. Regarding the MOH part. I have been a bridesmaid before, but the girls who's weddings I was in, had sisters and cousins that they chose. I've heard the rule that family usually trumps best friends. I don't have any sisters, so I have to choose a friend. I am basing my choice on someone who will make sure my dress is layed nicely during the ceremony, someone who will keep me calm (my mom and I stress and then take it out on each other, I want someone who can help keep me calm) and I"m not expecting to dump all of my "to-do's" on my MOH, I just want someone to be there to help me in making some of my choices and someone to plan a bachelorette party. So think about it in that way. Who do you feel is going to help you with what YOU need for your big day. I've seen it time and time again, most of the time, you pick your longest friend, but they aren't always the biggest help. Write down all of the things you would like your MOH to help you with or to provide emotionally or planning wise for you. Then choose who would fit most of those things. I'm rambling sorry. I hope I was able to help, I am going through a situation too so I'm trying to talk it out for both of us! Good Luck!
Posted by NicMatt09[/QUOTE]

No, no and no.

MOH is an HONOR, not a JOB. If you need help planning your wedding, you have a FI. You get a bach party IF someone decides to throw one for you, not because you designate someone to do it.

Do you know what happens to brides who choose their WP members based on what they think they can do for them? They come here to bitch about their MOH's that aren't doing "their job" or BMs that won't go wedding dress shopping.

banana468 · April 2010

Ditto Tide.

PP, don't base your choice on who will do the most.

emilyinchile · April 2010

NicMatt, I'm actually cracking up right now. You are basing your choice of MOH on who can adjust your dress? A monkey could do that job!

And FWIW, my MOH (and 2 of 3 BMs) lives on another continent. I didn't exactly get planning help or even a bachelorette, and yet somehow I don't regret the decision to ask my bestest friend in the world to be my MOH. Although I suppose that could just be because she was a fabulous dress adjuster.

CTGirl30 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_waiting-choose-wedding-party-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5d734678-1be3-47c4-9279-af44c08b664fPost:491bf69a-4235-45e8-89c6-21ba5b9f5f57">Re: Waiting to choose my wedding party (long)</a>:
[QUOTE] I am basing my choice on someone who will make sure my dress is layed nicely during the ceremony, someone who will keep me calm (my mom and I stress and then take it out on each other, I want someone who can help keep me calm) and I"m not expecting to dump all of my "to-do's" on my MOH, I just want someone to be there to help me in making some of my choices and someone to plan a bachelorette party. So think about it in that way. Who do you feel is going to help you with what YOU need for your big day. I've seen it time and time again, most of the time, you pick your longest friend, but they aren't always the biggest help. Write down all of the things you would like your MOH to help you with or to provide emotionally or planning wise for you. Then choose who would fit most of those things. Posted by NicMatt09[/QUOTE]

OP, please do not take this advice to heart as NicMatt09 is misguided in her notions of what a WP means...

You don't ask people to be in the WP based on how much you think they will help you or who you think will throw you parties. You ask your closest friends whom you want to HONOR by asking if they will stand by you on the day you marry. It's not a job description...there are, sadly, a number of brides who have this mindset and it causes a lot of issues in their friendships as their wedding planning goes along...

Nobody plans your wedding but you and your FI and if you need help, you hire a professional planner. Your friends may certainly offer to help you because they love you but it is not their JOB to do so. And if onen acts entitled or like they expect people to drop everythign to help them, they're a lot less likely to get any offers of help from friends.

OP - you're wise to wait to ask your BP. And you can also have more than one honor attendant....or you can skip the honor title altogether. I have 4 BMs and no one is designated MOH b/c I simply couldn't choose. When the time comes, think about who your best friend/s is/are and then ask b/c you want to honor their friendship in your life on a meaningful day - not b/c you want extra help or parties.

aecappelli · April 2010

Thanks everyone for all your advice!! Maybe I will have Co-MOH or maybe I will just have BM and no MOH (that sounds so unstressful). I do have awhile and things may change before I ask anyone! Maybe I will wait until even September or October, no need to rush!

Waiting to choose my wedding party (long)

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