HELP! wedding less then one month away, Bridal shower was a disaster, MOM n SIS being horrible to me

Re: HELP! wedding less then one month away, Bridal shower was a disaster, MOM n SIS being horrible to me

• vicki0508 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  For starters, I think you're reading into everything WAY too much.  I can't address everything, but maybe other posters will chime in.

  
  

  1.  Your MOH/sister is about to get a divorce, and you wonder why she isn't super happy and pumped to be participating in you pre-wedding parties?  Give her a break.  She's a stressed out new mother in a struggling marriage.

  
  

  2.  Nobody owes you any parties.  It's great that FMIL and FSIL thew you a shower.  It's a party, let it go.  Your mom and sister don't have to be friends with your ILs.

  
  

  3.  You shouldn't be planning your own bachelorette party.

  
  

  4.  You said your sister hasn't done anything for your b-party - yet she has an evening planned and has expanded the guestlist. Sounds like she has something planned to me.  You probably shouldn't be undermining her party by throwing one for yourself.

  
  

  5.  There are no "MOH duties" so stop trying to force them on your sister.

  
  

  6.  If you think your sister and mom are upset at your ILs - talk to them about it.

  
  

  All in all, I really don't see how anybody is being ZOMG SO MEAN to you.  So they weren't super friendly at your shower, big deal.  I think you need to just take some deep breaths and relax.

  Planning Bio
  

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• Karenofcourse member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  You need to pick up the phone, call your mom and ask her to go out and talk over coffee or dessert.  Then address the concerns in a non-judgemental way.  Be careful about pronoun use and finger pointing. 
  
  PS.  You were your sister MOH and now she is yours.  She did not have a shower-were you considered a bad MOH b/c of this?  I hope not.  Your sister has a ton on her plate and if you feel uncomfortable with the guest list, maybe you should bow out gracefully now so you are not diappointed.  Sounds like your expectations may be too high.  Some people are not planners or organizers so they have a very difficult time when it comes to planning anything. 

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Are you saying that your mom gave you a budget and free reign to plan whatever you like for your wedding? That was very generous of her.
  
  Talk to your mom about this. Don't make accusations at your mom or sis. Ask her if there is a problem. It might be that your mom is worried about your sister and her grandson because of her marital problems. She may have thought that you were perfectly capable of planning the wedding without her help. Or, you might have offended her, somehow, without realizing. The only person who can give you an answer is your mom. Listen to what she has to say.
  
  Your sister should not be inviting people to your bachelorette, unless they are also going to be invited to your wedding. If she is, find a polite way to decline the party before she puts any money into it.
  
  Lucky for you, your FMIL and FSIL have been happy to help you out. Enjoy their support and try to focus on the positive things.
  
  
  
  
  

                     

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• LittleMissCutiePie

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I think everyone is being quite harsh, but I do agree that you need reevaluate your priorities. Your sister is getting a divorce, and her child is still a baby. Let her be her own woman, and have her own life. I understand why it's disappointing, but the fact is: NO MOH is required to do more than show up in the dress on the actual day and maybe sign the marriage license. Stop watching wedding movies, and stop reading terrible wedding books. Your day is a day, stop making it the center of the universe.
  
  P.S. I hope you didn't ask your sis to be MOH  just because you were hers. Seriously, that is the totally wrong reason. If you put her in the position at the expense of a closer friend, that was your mistake in the first place. You're going to look back on this later and realize how silly you acted.
  

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• CowgirlK39 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Maybe Im the only one, but I dont really agree with everyone here. Your sisters problems should NOT have to ruin your joy. It isnt your fault that she is unhappy. Its true you are not "owed" a shower or gifts or whatever, but since you did have one, the polite thing would have been for your mom/sis to behave themselves and be polite to others. That whole situ is like if someone had a brithday party and a guest showed up for the food but didnt buy a gift bc she had a bad bday.
  
  Its also true that a MOH isnt bound to any "duties" but it would be expected that she should be supportive, at least. If your sis is "too busy" with her child and her marital issues, she should step down as MOH. Again, her problems should not trump your big day that is supposed to be happy. This doesnt mean you get to be a bridezilla and demand things of her, but it certainly is not appropriate for her to tell you you are not allowed to have a good day because she cant be bothered to make it that way. My MOH is a medical student who is swamped in studying and applying for residency.... yet she still finds time to go dress shopping with me and other stuff, MOST of which she suggests.
  
  I say you hang out with your in laws more. If your sister is too miserable and "busy" to help you, leave her out of things and dont expect her help anymore. Go on and have a good day, and plan on never asking her help for anything again.

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• jackman36 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I agree with you CowgirlK39. Also, in my opinion, Mom and Sis have been rude to both guests and daughter/sister and that is nothing but hurtful. Some of the responders to this post have been way critical bordering on mean, and that does help the original poster. It's a wonder people even post here asking for help - some of these posters are out for blood, it seems.
  Original poster should hang out with in laws more - because she needs positive feedback and encouragement.

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• StacyJenniges

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm sorry you are being treated like this by your mom and sister.  I would suggest seeing if you are able to go out to dinner with both your mom and sister and talk to them about how they are treating you.  Don't mention the wedding, because the bigger issue here is that two people who should love you unconditionally are treating you in a way that is horrible. 
  

  "Faith Hope and Love are some good things he gave us, and the greatest is Love"

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• CowgirlK39 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  So the OP is supposed to treat her wedding like a funeral, just because her sister (who was blatantly RUDE, regardless of what is going on in her life) is having a hard time? If the OP was like "They bought me a present and it sucked, they didnt make my centerpieces just right and we didnt go where I wanted for my bachelorette party" then I would say she is the one who is wrong. But all she is asking for is for them to be polite and pleasent. And once again, if the MOH is having SUCH a hard time with her marital issues, then she should step down, not expect the bride to be dragged down with her.
  
  Sure the OP needs support. While death/loss require support to get thru a hard time, it is also important for a bride to have positive support. People SHOULD be happy for a bride, and provide positive comments and behaviors, not ignore her and treat her like dirt. She is just trying to make her wedding a happy occasion, which is should be, not have to feel uncomfortable and down for the biggest day of her life.

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• PGrant member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  While I agree that the OP has too much whining and me in her original post, there is a thread of an appropriate issue in there.  It was rude of her mother and sister to show up as late as they did and it was rude of them to not speak with other people who were there, especially if they were speaking to them.  This has nothing to do with a wedding or a shower, that is just common good manners and courtesy.  My FMIL and FSILs showed up late for my shower and refused to speak to anyone as well.  No, I did not say anything to them about it (I did, however, make a comment to my FI who agreed with me) nor will I, but to a person everyone else at the shower commented to me on their rudeness.

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• MairePoppy mod

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  Cowgirl -  of course not.  She should not be expected to treat her wedding like a funeral. A wedding is a happy, joyous occasion. She should do her planning with and enjoy the company of her FSIL and FMIL. They want to help out.
  
  If op's account of her mother's and sister's behavior at her shower is accurate, they were very rude to the host and some of the other guest. Something is wrong with this situation. The only way she will find out is to ask her mother. If she is not able to resolve the situation, then she should just plan without them.
  
  
  

                     

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• jackman36 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

     I had written - "Some of the responders to this post have been way critical bordering on mean, and that does help the original poster".  What I meant to write was "and that does NOT help the original poster."  My typing skills leave something to be desired!
  
     I agree with Marie Poppy in that something is wrong with this situation and the OP should talk to her mother and find out what is going on.
  
     The OP's sister dealing with a possible divorce is obviously part of the problem with the sister's non-interest in the wedding plans, but that does not give her sister the right to be rude.

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• missmckenzie2

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-less-then-one-month-away-bridal-shower-disaster-mom-n-sis-being-horrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:8eec77e8-69df-4ce7-9732-8f9e19c4684bPost:82aee866-2312-4712-aa68-bb52a5070937">Re: HELP! wedding less then one month away, Bridal shower was a disaster, MOM n SIS being horrible to me!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Maybe Im the only one, but I dont really agree with everyone here. Your sisters problems should NOT have to ruin your joy. It isnt your fault that she is unhappy. Its true you are not "owed" a shower or gifts or whatever, but since you did have one, the polite thing would have been for your mom/sis to behave themselves and be polite to others. That whole situ is like if someone had a brithday party and a guest showed up for the food but didnt buy a gift bc she had a bad bday. Its also true that a MOH isnt bound to any "duties" but it would be expected that she should be supportive, at least. If your sis is "too busy" with her child and her marital issues, she should step down as MOH. Again, her problems should not trump your big day that is supposed to be happy. This doesnt mean you get to be a bridezilla and demand things of her, but it certainly is not appropriate for her to tell you you are not allowed to have a good day because she cant be bothered to make it that way. My MOH is a medical student who is swamped in studying and applying for residency.... yet she still finds time to go dress shopping with me and other stuff, MOST of which she suggests. I say you hang out with your in laws more. If your sister is too miserable and "busy" to help you, leave her out of things and dont expect her help anymore. Go on and have a good day, and plan on never asking her help for anything again.
  Posted by CowgirlK39[/QUOTE]
  
   This! I am sorry but I think that if you accept an invite to a shower, a gift or at least card is needed! Especially when it seems that they aren't even there to celebrate the bride or even acknowledge her! it's not like they were invited to just go out to lunch. I say either head on address the issue with both of them at the same time or just completely leave them out of it! They obviously don't seem to be interested so even though it may be extremely hurtful at the time the more you put yourself out there and they don't reciprocate the more it will hurt in the end. It takes 2 (or 3) you can't be the only one to make it work.

  

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• MsAmeera25 member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_wedding-less-then-one-month-away-bridal-shower-disaster-mom-n-sis-being-horrible?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:8eec77e8-69df-4ce7-9732-8f9e19c4684bPost:d3dd7bdb-8483-4f9e-bfc9-419712abc2a2">Re: HELP! wedding less then one month away, Bridal shower was a disaster, MOM n SIS being horrible to me!</a>:
  [QUOTE]Its also true that a MOH isnt bound to any "duties" but it would be expected that she should be supportive, at least. If your sis is "too busy" with her child and her marital issues, she should step down as MOH A bride does not need "support."  Nothing about a wedding needs "support." It's a happy time. You don't need "support" when you are happy.  You need "support" for tragedies, like a car wreck, a miscarriage....or a divorce. "Support" also goes both ways.  Right now the sister is facing the end of her marriage and having to raise a small child on her own.  That trumps Pretty Princess Day.  I'll bet it's been very painful for the sister to do as much as she HAS done....watch someone else try on a wedding dress, and attend a shower.  A lot of women wouldn't be able to do this at all.  Divorce is excruciatingly painful.  You thought your life was all figured out, and suddenly the floor collapses beneath your feet. Nobody on here was mean.  If what you want is validation for me, me, me, you won't get it here.  I've been widowed once, divorced once prior to this, and believe me - the wedding you have is irrelevant to what happens in the marriage. You need friends when this happens, so don't run them off prior to the marriage.
  Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
  </div><div>This is def not true!!! A wedding requires tons of support, its a stressful, crazy, exciting and frightful thing all at the same time. We "support" ppl through their pregancy and this is no different. Instead of being so mean try to understand her point of view. She supported her sister through the many things she has went through and feels no one is supporting her. While it is great her inlaws are there no one can take the place of your own family. 
  
  </div>

   

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• chiualover member

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

  I really don't think you are mature enough to be married. Let yourself grow up a little more, alot more.

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• lp111

  

  October 2011 edited December 2011

   "What you should do: turn down your sister's party, and do not host your own.  HUGE faux pas."
  
  I do not agree with the statement above at all. I know a few people who have had to plan their own bachlorette or bachlor party with the help of another. If you want a bachlorette party, continue to work with your friend to put something together.
  
  As for your sister, yes it is unfortunate that she is not involved as you were for her. Brush it off and enjoy this time with your fiance. While this does not excuse some of above mentioned behavior, this is a happy time in your life. Misery loves company.

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