Should I let my bridesmaid change into a pantsuit at the reception?

meghanelizabethdrook · March 2010

My sister is one of my bridesmaids and wants to change out of her dress for the reception into a pants suit. She say's dresses make her uncomfortable and she can't understand why want her to wear it the whole night. My reception is very formal and I want her to keep the dress on.

She recently told came out and told a few members of my family that she is bisexual and has a girlfriend. 95% of my family won't know about this until the night of the wedding when she shows up with her girlfriend.

I feel like everyone would be talking about her outfit and her girlfirend at the wedding..and she would be stealing the attention.... am I being a selfish????? should I let her change for the reception?

UPDATE: Thanks for everyone's responses.... I gave it some thought and told her that she could do that pants suit. I want her to be comfortable, but at the same time I dont want it to be her show like she always seems to make it.

Thanks again for all your input.. it really made me think about how it was silly for me to be upset about the pants suit.

bemore17 · March 2010

Please, PLEASE, let her be comfortable for the reception...

LarissaAnn · March 2010

Once the ceremony and formal photos are done, let her be comfortable. Bi with girlfriend or straight with boyfriend, dress or pantsuit, YOU will be in the big white dress and YOU will be the center of attention.

Trust me. There could've been a circus at my wedding and I'd still have been the center of attention.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

[QUOTE]My sister is one of my bridesmaids and wants to change out of her dress for the reception into a pants suit. She say's dresses make her uncomfortable and she can't understand why want her to wear it the whole night. My reception is very formal and I want her to keep the dress on[/QUOTE]
Please don't make her wear a dress if she is not comfortable in a dress at all. Instead, she could wear dress pants , a suit or a pantsuit that coordinates with the BM dresses. Some lines have separates and a separates top might work for this, or else a nice blouse in your colors.

[QUOTE]She recently told came out and told a few members of my family that she is bisexual and has a girlfriend. 95% of my family won't know about this until the night of the wedding when she shows up with her girlfriend. I feel like everyone would be talking about her outfit and her girlfirend at the wedding..and she would be stealing the attention.... am I being a selfish????? should I let her change for the reception?
Posted by meghanelizabethdrook[/QUOTE]
Yes and yes. She won't steal the attention, and you don't have the right to dictate her reception attire. As long as she's dressed for the formality of the event, I don't see a problem with her wearing pants.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

You should let her wear the pant suit for the whole thing, including the ceremony. Having people in your WP is about honoring them, not about having them as props.

If you love your sister, and you know she hates wearing dresses, why would you want her to wear one for your ceremony?

bablingbrooke · March 2010

Yes, you should.

A few years ago I was BM in a friend's wedding in the middle of summer in these long, heavy black dresses. One BM brought a smaller, lighter dress to wear during the reception. Bride was totally chill with it. She wore the BM dress for the ceremony, photos, and entrance and then was "off duty" and wore what she wanted. This is one of those things that SO does NOT need to be a problem. What do you care what she wears?

Please tell me you're not so insecure that you think your friend changing her outfit and hanging out with her GF will steal your attention.

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

To me, it's no different than changing shoes to be more comfortable.

Let her change.

mizri · March 2010

I agree with PP, you can find a nice pantsuit that coordinates with the BP, and she will not only still look good, but will be comfortable at the reception and you will be able to look back at your pictures and smile at how happy she is instead of her being uncomfortable and miserable in your wonderful memories. I have seen some very nice pants that are loose-fitting and flow very well, but they are still pants that she might find a lot more comfortable than a dress. Have you already picked the BM dresses? If not, maybe pick something from a seperates collection so that she can keep the top of her outfit and just change into pants after the pictures. HTH

meghanelizabethdrook · March 2010

yes, we have already picked the BM dresses... which she didn't want any part in. She hasn't been involved in anything by her own choice, until today when she said she wanted to change her outfit and how she didn't like the color dress that I picked.
I guess letting her change isn't such a big deal... I think it's more of the way she went about saying it and the lack of participation until now...

gottahavashorti · March 2010

[QUOTE]yes, we have already picked the BM dresses... which she didn't want any part in. She hasn't been involved in anything by her own choice, until today when she said she wanted to change her outfit and how she didn't like the color dress that I picked.[/QUOTE]
Has she purchased the dress yet? If not, it woudln't be a big deal to have her purchase a blouse in your wedding colors and a nice pair of dress pants (black, brown, white, gray - whatever you think would coordinate best with your wedding colors). She doesn't have to love the dress colors, but she'll be more comfortable in pants and your pictures will look nicer with all of your BMs being comfortable rather than having one who looks antsy to get out of a dress, if you're worried about how it will look in pictures.
[QUOTE] I guess letting her change isn't such a big deal... I think it's more of the way she went about saying it and the lack of participation until now...
Posted by meghanelizabethdrook[/QUOTE]
All she needs to participate in are the wedding ceremony and pictures. I can definitely see being disappointed that she didn't speak up sooner about being uncomfortable with the outfit, though.

megk8oz · March 2010

Once the reception entrances are over (If you even have those), she is officially "off the clock" as your BM. Let her be comfortable. You asked her to stand up for you because you love her for who she is, not for how she'd make your wedding photos look (At least I hope that's why you asked her). Be her sister.

I really can't imagine that a secure person would really be concerned about somebody "stealing the attention" at her own wedding. I had my share of legitimately crazy people involved, and the only people that noticed anything were the people standing right next to whatever crazy thing happened ... and as soon as they saw that DH and I hadn't noticed or weren't bothered by it, they immediately forgot about it. People are going to focus and you and your FI all night long. I can assure you, had somebody could have been naked and driven a bulldozer through my (very classy) reception, there's an excellent chance I wouldn't have noticed.

Your day can only be ruined by something if you allow it to, and a girl in a pantsuit is hardly something a day should be ruined by. And I hope you realize that lots of women, regardless of sexual orientation, wear pantsuits to weddings They are considered formal attire and perfectly acceptable.

bablingbrooke · March 2010

While it would definitely be nice for her to be more involved, she simply isn't. Accept it and move on. Getting bent out of shape because she doesn't want to shop for dresses or do anything else related to the wedding is only going to make this a more negative experience for you, strain your relationship with her, and make you feel very silly after the wedding because it will be readily apparent to you at that point that who did what before the wedding really doesn't make any sort of difference.

banana468 · March 2010

My guess is that she's having rather large issues here:
1) She's coming to terms with her own sexuality which is a HUGE deal.

2) She's participating in the ceremony of a heterosexual couple, who she most likely loves dearly while knowing that her state doesn't recognize gay marriage (I assume you're getting married in Michigan, correct?). It can be an emotional quandry for some.

3) She is doing her best to please you AND be herself - and that can be a bit of a journey.

Her BM 'duities' are over once you leave the ceremony. If being in a pantsuit would make her more comfortable, that's the way to go. At this point if it isn't too late, I'd even see if she can order separates or if her dress could be made into some type of pant suit.

The important part is that your sister is who she is while you're who you are. As long as she's not turning your wedding into an event where she's coming out of the closet, it's fine.

Are you really sure that 95% of the family won't know this? I don't know about you but in my family, ANY news is met with a few phone calls.

The only thing that would be inappropriate IMO is if she were to keep her sexuality a secret UNTIL your wedding when she'd bring her GF as her date and EVERYONE would be surprised.

mbcdefg · March 2010

It won't at all affect you, or anyone else, to let her change.

Your guests won't give two craps what the BMs are wearing, especially during the party. You are the only person who would give it a second thought it she changed clothes. And most people probably wouldn't scream, "OMG, she must not be straight!" (not that that matters). Most people would probably figure that she's comfier in pants. My mother is straight and she hates dresses ... she got a skirt suit for my wedding because she feels it's "appropriate" (even though I encouraged her to get a nice pants outfit if she wanted to).

If you forced her to stay in the dress, the ONLY affect it'd have would be to make your sister miserable, uncomfortable and angry at you. I don't really get what point you'd be trying to prove by forcing her to wear the dress the whole time. Be reasonable and let her change and make her happy ... and if you throw her this bone, maybe she will feel more inclined to get more involved with your wedding, who knows. Forcing her to be uncomfortable will make her even MORE unwilling to get involved.

lalap69 · March 2010

I don't see the issue with her changing for the reception. She's agreeing to wear what you want even thought it'll make her uncomfortable for the ceremony and pictures. She just wants to be comfortable for the reception. She's willing to compromise for you, why won't you compromise for her?

megk8oz · March 2010

Brooke and I can both tell you from firsthand experience that just because she's your sister and you made her a BM, doesn't mean she's going to suddenly be into weddings if she normally isn't.

Both of my sisters were nightmares when it came to the dress situation ... and they both actually like getting dressed up. They bitched about shopping, then (After they got to order a dress they like) they bitched about alterations ... which they didn't get done until a week before the wedding (My younger sister actually waited until 4 days before the wedding) ... and I honestly think they only did because my mother pretty much let them know if they weren't showing up in BM dresses, she wasn't allowing them to show up at all.

But my one sister was 19 and never in a serious relationship, had never even been a guest at a wedding before ... she outright admitted on multiple occassions she "just didn't get how I felt". She's flakey and immature ... a very sweet person, but is very much the center of her own universe.

And my older sister was 27, and going through a very rough time in her own love life. Between the day I got engaged and the wedding she'd gotten pregnant, given birth, moved back and forth between her boyfriend and my parents' houses literally 500 times, got pregnant again, broke up with said boyfriend, had a nasty custody battle (That's still not completely resolved) and was in the process of deciding whether or not she was keeping baby # (She has since decided she is). On top of all this, she is bi-polar and has been diagnosed with several other mental problems, including depression and Tourette's Syndrome. Needless to say, watching her youger sister get married and start a "normal" life with somebody didn't sit well with her.

She's going through a lot right now. Be her sister first, a bride second. Don't worry about what she is and isn't doing for you as far as the wedding goes. Again, some people really aren't that into wedding stuff. I was a BM for a friend of mine, and while I did help with a few things here and there, for the most part, her wedding was not a huge priority for me until about 2 days before the actual wedding. I had a job, I had just gotten engaged (And was more focused on planning my own wedding) and bought a house ... and honestly, she was a bridezilla that I just didn't want to be around, lol.

I'm not saying you're a bridezilla, I'm just saying being in the BP doesn't push a magic button that makes people over-joyed to be a part of the planning process.

Should I let my bridesmaid change into a pantsuit at the reception?

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