Bridal Party Drama

RaptorSLH · February 2012

[QUOTE] The times that I was a bridesmaid, I was the moral support to the bride and was there when she needed me...to have a best friend ditch you, especially for your wedding and planning and everything else is the worse feeling in the world.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

<div>Sure a bridesmaid should be moral support, but that's true of any friend. How much moral support have <em>you </em>provided <em>her</em> lately? Right now, she's a friend in need, and you're taking that as a personal insult. Find someone else to gush and talk girly with, and<em> be there for your friend</em>.</div>

RebeccaB88 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:b4ed3f83-244c-4eb6-8c6a-886c39fa0381">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow - your "best friend" is apparently having some kind of emotional crisis and you're worried... about how it impacts her ability to BE THERE FOR YOU? Why aren't you being there for her? With friends like that...
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

This. Her life does not revolve around your wedding. Your best friend is in crisis, and you choose to discuss it during a dress fitting? Seriously? In public? You couldn't have at least given her the courtesy of privacy? Maybe she didn't feel comfortable discussing things right then. Have you tried to help her in a context that doesn't include your wedding?

Besides, what kind of 'moral support' do you need for a happy occasion like a wedding? Where is your FI? If you need some kind of support or help, you need to ask him. It's his wedding too. It's not your MOH's job to give you that. You can ask, but you don't get to be all pissy about it when she can't do it. IT'S NOT HER WEDDING.

And yeah, when you say 'I know you're having problems right now, but you're not doing enough for me right now and therefore you're not being a good enough friend, so I'm not going to be there for you either'.... well, that's pretty crappy and I think you're damn lucky that she's even still part of your life.

BCV513 · February 2012

You keep talking about how the MOH isn't there for you, and you are reaching out to her for help and getting nothing, and you asked her if she could "handle the responsibility" of being your MOH. Have you once turned the tables? When was the last time you called her or got together and talked about something other than your wedding? It sounds like she's having some serious issues and could probably use a good friend to lean on.

Veranza · February 2012

I call her every day. I attempt to make plans with her every weekend, even though we live over 4 hours apart. I am attempted in every way, shape and form to be there for her and be her best friend, her sister. She consistantly rejects my calls, texts, emails, plan making and everything. Apparently, the fact that I don't explain my every action to everyone on here is my fault and people will jump. I have placed a ton on my plans on hold for all of my bridesmaids.

The first time that I actually got to talk to her face to face in over 4 months was when we went dress shopping.

So for now I am done defending my actions. Apparently because I am a horrible person, I do not care about my friends or my friends lives, even though I have changed multiple aspects of my wedding and my life to work around all of my bridesmaids (I have 9) schedules and lifestyles, the fact that I needed support for a single issue is wrong and I am sorry for attempting to get a little support on a single issue, because I do not know how to handle the situation. So I will take it in mind that everyone see me as the one at fault and put that into my decision.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:c3871f9c-1e4b-4bfe-a428-96702db626fa">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I call her every day. I attempt to make plans with her every weekend, even though we live over 4 hours apart. I am attempted in every way, shape and form to be there for her and be her best friend, her sister. She consistantly rejects my calls, texts, emails, plan making and everything. Apparently, the fact that I don't explain my every action to everyone on here is my fault and people will jump. I have placed a ton on my plans on hold for all of my bridesmaids. The first time that I actually got to talk to her face to face in over 4 months was when we went dress shopping. So for now I am done defending my actions. Apparently because I am a horrible person, I do not care about my friends or my friends lives, even though I have changed multiple aspects of my wedding and my life to work around all of my bridesmaids (I have 9) schedules and lifestyles, the fact that I needed support for a single issue is wrong and I am sorry for attempting to get a little support on a single issue, because<strong> I do not know how to handle the situation</strong>. So I will take it in mind that everyone see me as the one at fault and put that into my decision.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

Seriously? Stop being a drama llama. We've told you repeatedly how to handle this - tell her you're sorry you ever asked her to step down and keep her as your MOH, then <em>stop expecting her to do anything other than show up in the right dress on your wedding day</em>. That's it. That's how you handle this. That's the only kind and appropriate solution here.

The fact that you keep coming back to defend your actions is basically just you saying "I hear what you're saying, but I'm a special snowflake who should be entitled to do something sh!tty to a friend who is going through a rough patch, so I'm going to pretend no one gave me an answer instead of admitting that I'm being demanding and ridiculous."

kinsey0628 · February 2012

Veranza, it is okay, don't stress so much.

Personally, I am little confused by the whole situation that you are describing. If this friend is being as flaky and disappearing as you're describing, are you maybe questioning your entire friendship w/ her all together, rather than just the aspect of her being in your wedding?? Because that's kind of what it sounds like to me. You are saying you guys talk every day, etc, but then you are worried that in a few months, she might just be straight up gone? It kind of sounds like you are maybe unsure of the friendship in general? Am I wrong/right?

So if that's the issue, then that's the issue... what to make of/ do with your friendship. If that's NOT it... then everyone is just saying etiquette-wise, it's considered hurtful and friendship-ending to remove or demote someone from your wedding party. So if you're not looking to actually END or compromise your friendship, just keep her as a MOH.. and like everyone said, if she flakes or doesn't show, it's on her.... and your guys' friendship will work out however it works out.

Also, I was just wondering about your thumbnail.. is that you and what are you wearing? Just curious, you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, I just couldn't figure out what it is you're wearing.

froggatt.clare · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:c3871f9c-1e4b-4bfe-a428-96702db626fa">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I call her every day. I attempt to make plans with her every weekend, even though we live over 4 hours apart. I am attempted in every way, shape and form to be there for her and be her best friend, her sister. </strong>She consistantly rejects my calls, texts, emails, plan making and everything. Apparently, the fact that I don't explain my every action to everyone on here is my fault and people will jump. I have placed a ton on my plans on hold for all of my bridesmaids. The first time that I actually got to talk to her face to face in over 4 months was when we went dress shopping. So for now I am done defending my actions. Apparently because I am a horrible person, I do not care about my friends or my friends lives, even though I have changed multiple aspects of my wedding and my life to work around all of my bridesmaids (I have 9) schedules and lifestyles, the fact that I needed support for a single issue is wrong and I am sorry for attempting to get a little support on a single issue, because I do not know how to handle the situation. So I will take it in mind that everyone see me as the one at fault and put that into my decision.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

See, OP, this is info we could have used a while ago. We were only working with what you gave us to work with. That's all we could do.

I'm sure she's going through a rough time right now, and the fact that she isn't dealing with your attempts at communication illustrate how hard it is for her to deal with outside pressure or interest. Its not wrong to ask for her friendship, but it might not have helped her situation when you 'gave her the out' and demoted her to bridesmaid.

Now she's reaching out to you, which she clearly hasn't done in some time. Now is your chance to repair the friendship. Let her be MOH again, becuase as PPs have said, the worst that could happen is she doesn't show up the day of the wedding. While that is sad, it will not ruin your marriage. She wants this chance to be by your side again.

Meghannsix · February 2012

Wow, again, what kind of "moral support" are you looking for as a bride? As Steph said, and I think this is brilliant, it's a wedding, not the invasion of Normandy. Relax, it will be fine. No matter what happens or who shows up, you will be married at the end of the day. Call this girl, and be a friend, not a bride.

KellyBrian2013 · February 2012

The fact that you continue to refer to them as "my bridesmaids" instead of "my friends" says a lot to me.

StephBeanWed61502 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:d0812a2e-5a4b-4dd6-b501-b0faddfca961">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that you continue to refer to them as "my bridesmaids" instead of "my friends " says a lot to me.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

Excellent point and excellent catch. 100% agree.

jessicabessica · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:c3871f9c-1e4b-4bfe-a428-96702db626fa">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I call her every day. I attempt to make plans with her every weekend, even though we live over 4 hours apart. I am attempted in every way, shape and form to be there for her and be her best friend, her sister. She consistantly rejects my calls, texts, emails, plan making and everything. Apparently, the fact that I don't explain my every action to everyone on here is my fault and people will jump. I have placed a ton on my plans on hold for all of my bridesmaids. The first time that I actually got to talk to her face to face in over 4 months was when we went dress shopping. So for now I am done defending my actions. Apparently because I am a horrible person, I do not care about my friends or my friends lives, even though I have changed multiple aspects of my wedding and my life to work around all of my bridesmaids (I have 9) schedules and lifestyles, the fact that I needed support for a single issue is wrong and I am sorry for attempting to get a little support on a single issue, because I do not know how to handle the situation. So I will take it in mind that everyone see me as the one at fault and put that into my decision.
Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>What personal issues does she have? (Rhetorical question...I get you don't want to share that.) Think about it in the context of those issues and from her perspective. When I feel like shiit and am totally overwhelmed with everything in my life, the last thing that I want to do is make plans to go out or have long phone conversations every day. Sometimes there are weeks and weeks of that feeling, it's not over in a few days. </div><div>
</div><div>I would make clear to her that you care about her, and the only thing you would ever expect her or any of your bridesmaids to do would be to stand up next to you at your wedding. Then, put the wedding aside, and ask her how you can support her. Call her less frequently? Suggest more mellow plans for hanging out? Watch a trashy TV show online with her one evening a week (H and I used to do this when we were long distance...corny, I know)?</div>

likeadeadstar · February 2012

Ooookay.....

1) I was MOH for a wedding in Ohio. I live in Toronto. I bought my dress solo in Toronto (I was given a colour to work with) and couldn't be there until the rehearsal two nights prior. I showed up, managed to buy the precise colour the BM did and a similar style without even talking to her, and everything went FINE because I was there the day of and stood up/supported her/etc. Coming to group dress fittings etc. is not needed. I couldn't throw a shower or bach and the bride didn't care because she asked me to be there as a friend, not a servant or party planner.

2) Here's the big thing I don't get: all she has to do is show up and stand beside you in the dress as MOH.... and you demoted her to a BM who has to show up and stand at least one person away..... so um, what was the point of demoting her?

3) 9 BMs? Really? How big is the wedding?

4) If your friend is wthdrawing and breaking down, the last of your worries should be a dress or your MOH. The end. You know how I would have felt if I were her? That your dresses and wedding were more important than years of friendship and I would dodge you too out of discomfort.

RebeccaB88 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:c3871f9c-1e4b-4bfe-a428-96702db626fa">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE] because I do not know how to handle the situation. Posted by Veranza[/QUOTE]

We're telling you how to handle it. You just don't want to do it.

shsugal8 · February 2012

First of all, don't stress and also do not listen to all the negative feedback you have received on this board.

It is my understanding that you put your situation out there and were asking for HELP, not JUDGEMENT!!!

With that said, yes there are other duties of a MOH besides standing by you and smiling. Traditionally the MOH makes all the arrangements for your bridal shower thrown by her along with the BMs. She also makes the arrangements for the bachelorette party or event of your choosing.

So for those who say it isn't a lot to handle, well they are misguided and/or took on way to much of their wedding that was needed.

Good luck and follow your heart, but also keep in mind the feelings of everyone involved.

tianamaher · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridal-party-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:38d6989c-d86c-446f-ad77-203f67abceb1Post:1b171a1c-0e49-4802-a143-54624cb7e591">Re: Bridal Party Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, don't stress and also do not listen to all the negative feedback you have received on this board. It is my understanding that you put your situation out there and were asking for HELP, not JUDGEMENT!!! With that said, yes there are other duties of a MOH besides standing by you and smiling. Traditionally the MOH makes all the arrangements for your bridal shower thrown by her along with the BMs. She also makes the arrangements for the bachelorette party or event of your choosing. So for those who say it isn't a lot to handle, well they are misguided and/or took on way to much of their wedding that was needed. Good luck and follow your heart, but also keep in mind the feelings of everyone involved.
Posted by shsugal8[/QUOTE]

The feedback here has seemed a bit aggressive.... I was involved in a wedding where a very similar situation happened. The MOH was non responsive to making dress appointments (the bride was trying to organize a day where we tried them on together and then treat us to lunch as a thank you). Non responsive to emails from the Brides mother about the shower (which typically the MOH doesn't throw or finance, but helps the mom with getting lists/addresses/dates from close friends and bridal party) and just in general not commuicative which was not normal behavior. The bride was put in a bad spot because she felt bad allocating those things to other girls and offend her MOH. Clearly something was up and when she confronted the MOH, she simply said she had a lot going on and wasn't sure if she could handle the pressure and was going to step down from the party. While my friend encouraged her not to, it still turned into just a sad situation. The friend was not in the party, was insulted that the bride didn't do more to convice her to stay (which we all felt she did) and she ended up not being in the wedding. There was no 'replacement' maid of honor though.

The point to this long winded story is that it sounds like we all have different expectations for what a MOH/bridesmaid should be in their wedding. For me, it's not about working for me- it's about generally being as excited as I am (or at least close to :-) ) about that day and just being present. It is a little bit more than just showing up that day - there is more involvement than that. I think if my MOH treated me that way, I would feel badly - selfishly- but also because my attempts to help her went unresponded to as well because I would want to help my friend. I think we should cut Veranza some slack here. She was showing her side of the story - and seeking advice.
The one thing I do I think was a laittle insensitive was asking a second girl to fill that role...... I think if my original MOH had stuff happening - especially if it was my best friend - and couldn't be a part of the wedding for whatever reason, I wouldn't fill it for sake of filling it.

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