Overinvolved BMs???

katanne9 · January 2010

Okay, this may sound wretched, but has anyone dealt with overinvolved BMs/friends?

I'm all about enjoying the process and accepting help, but am I the only one who doesn't want friends to help me pick my dress, my colors, my location, my centerpieces, my flowers, etc etc etc etc?

Honestly, I'd rather FI and I do this together with our parents and I'd rather my friends were surprised and got to enjoy the day than giving them every single detail. (Isn't that what Knotties are for?)

Am I the only one who feels this way? I think all my friends expect me to include them on choosing everything, especially since that's what our other friend is doing. And I think that's weird.

katanne9 · January 2010

Also, when asked about all the detailed questions, how to tell friends I'd like it to be a surprise without sounding like a brat??

Button5807 · January 2010

I do think that's weird. I don't know a single thing about the wedding I'm going to be in this summer except when I'm supposed to meet up to go dress shopping.
I think simply saying I think I'd rather that detail be a surprise isn't a bratty answer.

hetshup · January 2010

I think they are excited, but I don't think you are weird at all, more people mean more opinions, and I for one, don't really want their opinions. My roommate is pissed she can't come dress shopping with me and I'm not even engaged. You could also tell them you want to make the decision with FI and it's a special time for you. Or you could give them tasks that are mindless and you need help on, such as STD or stuffing invites. That way they are involved without driving you crazy.

desertsun · January 2010

I'm having the opposite problem...see my post a few threads up.

But no, I don't think there is anything the least rude about saying what button said "I'd rather that be a surprise."

katanne9 · January 2010

okay good.

this week i've been bombarded with a few "i've been saving these for you to use at your wedding in your centerpieces", "i can't wait to go dress shopping with you" type of conversations.

I love them dearly and they are so sweet and thoughtful, but this is very personal to me! I think getting them to help with "mindless" things is a good idea.

it's probably strange to them bc our other friend bombarded us with "inspiration pictures" for the first few months and wanted our opinion on everything. I love surprises and I want everything to be a surprise! I just want them to experience the day the way I imagine it.

Hazel_B · January 2010

To be honest, I think a lot of the brides perspective depends on the groom - atleast in my experience. Some friends that have gotten married, their FI wanted very little say in things aside from some select items, so they relied on friends alot. I am now a MOH for my best friend from highschool and expected that she'd ask for my help a lot based on the other weddings. As soon as she asked me to be her MOH I was trying to figure out how to manage the 5 hour driving distance to be there as much as I could for her (when she needed me, I don't want to be a bad MOH for her). Turns out she doesn't want my help at all, atleast right now, her FI is filling the void that other brides want their MOH/BM/Mom/Sister to fill.

So, for me, I'm backing off and she'll tell me when she needs me. I think telling your BMs that you and FI are enjoying working on things/making decisions together and that you'll let them know when you need them. Even if you don't need them, maybe plan some envelope stuffing or favour wrapping party where they can burn off some of their excitement.

jeanacorina · January 2010

Yes, ask for their help on things that aren't a big deal to you. They obviously WANT to help.

But also, don't be afraid to say, as sweetly as possible, that you want to keep certain things as a surprise. You want to see their reactions when it all comes together. That doesn't sound terrible at all!

katanne9 · January 2010

oh! good feedback Hazel! that's a great point.

I have a VERY involved FI (we spent 2 hours looking at paint chips picking out our colors last weekend).

i just don't want to hurt their feelings, bc i know they're doing it bc they are excited for us.

desertsun · January 2010

Hmm...this may be why I'm missing my BFF so much right now. My FI would rather not have to make centerpiece decisions.

jeanacorina · January 2010

My FI is a load of help on practical stuff (hotel reservations, ordering wedding bands, etc) but wants to be able to say "ok" or "no" to any other decisions. No "Honey, what do you think about this color?" or "Baby, do you have any preference on fonts?"

So a lot of my little things I am bouncing off my MOH and mom. It makes perfect sense that a more involved FI means less sharing with your friends. That seems totally normal.

oceana919 · January 2010

I don't think it's all that unreasonable for you to want to surprise everyone...I would second the having your girls help with the smaller stuff, or asking for their input on details that you don't mind are non-surprises.

I think it honestly depends on the bride. My cousin/BF is planning her wedding, and she'll post a picture of her centerpieces or a link to a vendor and ask me what I think. Being in FL while she's in OH, it makes me feel like I'm helping her and am a part of the process, even if it's just commenting on things she's already figured out. I've already done the same thing with her and my mom on some things. In the end, FI and I will make our own decisions on what we want, but it's nice to have the outside opinion, especially from someone who is also planning and has already figured out a lot of what I'm trying to figure out now.

On the flip side, a wedding I was recently in, the bride and MOH pretty much had everything figured out, all I had to do was show up and smile. Her wedding turned out beautifully, but I did feel a little disconnected, as I wasn't really able to help in the way I would have liked to (even if it was just saying, "yes, that's really pretty!") as her BM.

Just follow your heart and do what makes you happy.

Acrosthec · January 2010

Two of mine are super excited, one is completely distracted planning her own wedding (understandable), and the other two are interested, but just not "wedding crazy" people, and I'm ok with that. The two that are super excited are my best friend and FI's sister, and they're awesome. They haven't tried to help me pick anything (I had most of that done before I even picked a bridal party), but actually yelled at me when I told them I didn't need help on the invites. I'm not really a bridezilla in the "No, it has to be my way and I don't care what you want" type way, but I am an admitted control freak. I want everything I'm DIYing to be perfect. That said, I just broke the invitations down and taught them how to do specific parts so they can help, but they only have to learn one thing. It may be mindless, but they get really good at the one thing, I don't freak out that they're trying to do more than I'm comfortable with, and they're happy helping.

I'm not really a huge "surprise" person, so most of them know a lot of what's going on. I've shared my planning page with them (though I don't know if any actually went and looked at it). But I can imagine that once the invites are done and I don't need help with anything else that's big, I can simply say "I'm done!" or "I'd like it to be a surprise so you can enjoy at least SOME of the day!" with a smile and they'd be ok. I think that's great advice from the pp's. :-)

Overinvolved BMs???

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