MOH and BM Selection---really long but need help

kinmir30 · March 2010

Ok, So my FI and I got engaged Dec 23 and our wedding is set for June 18th, 2011, so we have plenty of planning time (do we really tho? haha).

I am having a huge personal problem with choosing my MOH and BM's and I guess I need some advice...

Here's the deal. I have recently been quickly drifting apart from my best friend of 9 years. I always just sort of expected she would be my MOH until like the past year or so. We are drifting because our differences are really starting to come out now that we are growing older... But the other thing is she is totally flaky. I can never schedule anything with her because she just wont schedule it. She has 2 children and usually blames it on the fact that she doesnt want to bring the kids with and cant get a baby sitter. She also doesn't work and just survives on money from the state, so that is also another issue with her being MOH, no money. Another thing is she has been totally uninterested about the fact that I got engaged. I sent out a facebook event for our wedding just trying to find out an idea of a guest count...she chose maybe and then texted me saying that she isnt sure if she will be able to make it because she doesn't know what she will have going on. REALLY!!!! My best friend of 9 years doesn't know if she will make it to my wedding?!?!?!

So bridesmaids....The issue with my best friend is pretty much a blanket issue with all of my friends. They are super flaky. They cancel all the time and are never willing to set aside time to hang out, let alone help plan a wedding and be there for showers, bachellorette parties, dress shopping, etc.

I honestly have ZERO fully dependable friends....

So....what do I do? Just ask them anyway and just cross my fingers that they pull through for me....or? hope I find someone in time for wedding stuff? I really don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any ideas/advice? I personally feel kind of at a loss.....

jennyann28 · March 2010

My advice? Wait to pick. I have a similar situation, in that my BF for the past 9 years and I have also been drifting apart (though much faster since I've been engaged). I was the MOH in her wedding, and so when I got engaged, she basically just assumed the role & jumped in. I never asked her or anything. And I was ok with that, but now I kind of wish I'd had my sister-in-law have that honor because she'll always be my family, but BF & I will probably continue to grow apart.

That said, after those two, I waited a while to add to my wedding party, and ended up asking a friend who has been the most amazing, supportive person both in wedding life and "real" life! I wasn't originally thinking of her when I got engaged, then one day it hit me: this is a person I HAVE to have in my wedding. And I've been so thankful ever since.

I guess the moral of my lengthy story is, choosing a wedding party is tough and emotional. Don't feel like you have to rush to do it. You have tons of time!

sarack · March 2010

I agree.. I would wait. i would seriously not pick until December 2010. No joke. If there is one thing I could have done when considering my BP is wait until the LAST possible minute.

The thing is that although you've been friends for a long time, obviously your life is moving into a different direction and people change.. Sometimes people get jealous when good things happen to you. Also, weddings bring out the worst in people. I seriously think weddings really test friendships.

I would SERIOUSLY wait.. there is nothing worse than regretting who you've picked and asking people to step down is just too hard. No matter what it will break a friendship.. BUT, not asking can ruin things too. I'm not close with my sister and I didn't ask her to be in my BP and she refuses to talk to me and she isn't coming and isn't bringing my two nieces... its really unfortunate.

WAIT, last minute. People will want to help until then and that is wonderful, just let people know that you aren't choosing until whenever you choose.. i seriously think Nov/Dec.

GOOD LUCK!

cmcclaning · March 2010

I ditto PP!! Not that I would change them, but I picked way early. FI couldn't choose between two so he had both and then there was this other friend so all in all I have 5 BM when I thought the most I would ever have would be 3. To top it off 2 GM moved away and so far 1 has backed out. SO like PP said wait until like Dec!

Tygirljojo · March 2010

I agree with Jenny. I picked my BMs right away (partially because I had thought about it for a few months prior) and now am regretting one of them. Fortunately MOH is supportive and dependable, but the second BM, not-so-much. I ended up adding a 3rd BM a few months ago after months of debating and I'm glad she's a part of the BP. The 2nd BM, I think I have a 50/50 chance of her showing up for the wedding. Sad, but true. Not to mention, she always complains to me about her drama in her life when at this point, I already have enough crap to deal with that's WR and enough stress without having to be her venting bag. I say wait. If the wedding is June of next year, I say give yourself until this fall.

Kahalagurl · March 2010

the Bridal party has been the single most stressful part of the planning my wedding. The MOH was easy cause I have one sister. The "bridesmaids" I wanted just two, cause i didn't want to deal with all hassle of so many dressses/bouquets. But there are really 4 girls who would be REALLY hurt if i didn't ask them. so instead of just picking two, im not having any. I told them, if we decide to have the whole wedding party, it wouldn't be decided till probably the last month. The two girls that i wanted originally have a girl and a boy respectively, that are going to be my flower girl and ring bearer. So at they very least they will be included that way.

ahuette · March 2010

Ditto PP with waiting. I asked mine and last fall 2 of my BMs lost/quit their jobs and in January another one completely shattered their ankle and now has 10s of thousands of dollars in medical bills bc she had totally crappy insurance. If I had waited, I probably wouldn't have asked them since they can't afford it and are having other people pay their for their dress etc.

BrandyL10 · March 2010

In with the majority here! Wait and see how everything plays out. You never know, through planning this you may meet a new really good friend or a friend or female relative that you were never that close to may come in and shine! I have a sis, so that is my MOH, and I had a bunch of girls that I knew were waiting in the wings to be asked. To avoid an uncomfortable situation, some of the friends I could never count on anyways, I asked all my female cousins. 3 live back east and so that was kind of an excuse to get them out here to visit! I'm evil, but I miss them like crazy!
I hope this is all helpful, in your mind make a list of the potential girls, then watch their moves the next 6 mos. If they're still breaking plans with you or your best friend is too flaky, I would cut. And I'm sorry, not knowing what you'll be doing in 2011! That is bull!

amandasw · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_washington-seattle_moh-bm-selection-really-long-but-need?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:104Discussion:21c25d3f-7dbb-4dc2-b32e-16f36517d2d9Post:4eba598f-2dd9-4eb0-84f9-56a4e7e99d05">MOH and BM Selection---really long but need help</a>:
[QUOTE]So....what do I do? Just ask them anyway and just cross my fingers that they pull through for me....or? hope I find someone in time for wedding stuff? I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas/advice? I personally feel kind of at a loss.....
Posted by kinmir30[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry it's been a tough decision for you. Looking at this last part, think about girls who are dating someone and say "it's annoying/bad/hurtful/etc when he does ___. Hopefully he'll change." Do they? Not usually. Friendships are like relationships - you have to know that people are the way they are and decide if you can live with it. Yes, people do change, but you can't hope they will and have that as a reason to stay. I'm not saying to 'break up' with your friends, just trying to put it all in the context of 'chosing someone and hoping they'll change/it will work out' when you already know the answer.

When people have issues with picking the WP, my favorite thing to say is: don't ask someone to be a BM to fix the friendship. If you're having problems now, having them in the WP may just exaggerate a bad situation. It sounds like you do have lots of friends, and you're friends for a reason. Make the 'role' of BM fit your friends rather than fit your friends into the 'role' of BM - friends first and BM second. It may not end up like the 'ideal' WP, but I'd rather have my friends as BMs and be themselves than hire people like that one girl did on craigslist.

good luck :)

jennuinne · March 2010

I agree, this is difficult and stressful. I have a step-sister, but we've never been super close. Then, I have friends from different stages of my life. Some I've know since elementary school, but we're not that close now. People that I'm close to now, but have only been in my life a few years. And then those in between. And each friend fits into a different group of friends, where if you chose one, the others in that "group" may feel left out. FI has three brothers (closer to some than others) and a best friend. FI and I decided not to have a wedding party b/c it was too hard to decide, it was extra cost/planning/hassle, and we just don't see the point.

If you are going to have a WP, I agree with pp, wait as long as possible. In addition to everything above, one of them may get engaged, pregnant, move, etc. in the next year that may effect her willingness/ability to be a BM. And, your friendships may change. In the end, your true friends will respect your decision and not make you feel bad, even if their feelings are hurt for not being asked. Do what you want. And those that aren't in the WP can still be involved in shopping, bachellorette parties, etc. In fact, you could plan some things over the next year (dress shopping) and see who is helpful and who is flakey...like try-outs. : )

carrieoz_76 · March 2010

Wait to pick. You don't need to have your BM situation nailed down till like 8 mos. before the wedding.

When you do pick, pick the people you want standing with you when you get married, and the ones most likely to still be in your life in 10 years. Don't pick based on anything else. You don't need the BMs or MOH to do anything else, and that's the part that lasts.

You can do wedding-planning activities with other friends - in fact they'll probably want to because they'll feel included. I have 3 BMs and no MOH - because I selected the ppl I've been friends longest and I'm close to all of them in different ways so it didn't feel right to select one as a MOH. I went dress shopping w/ 2 different friends. I regularly talk wedding planning w/ a different friend, who'll also probably help set up my centerpieces. Another one will help with my makeup. And two others are throwing my shower. My point is that you don't have to do all this stuff JUST with your WP if your WP isn't into it or isn't available for whatever reason.

So, like I said, pick the ones that you want to stand with you when you get married, and the ones who are most likely to still be close to you in 10 years. But don't expect them to change. If they happen to be flaky people, they'll probably still be flaky. Don't rely on them for anything other than to show up - go to other friends for the wedding planning / party planning stuff.

kinmir30 · March 2010

Thank you all. All of you gave great advice!!! You have truly helped me. I definetly agree that I don't see them changing any time soon and that's what really stinks!!! I have a sister and could make her MOH except for the fact that she will only be 17 by the time of the wedding, so it might not work out so well...and all of my family lives pretty far away too. I am just kind of hoping in the next 6 months or so that I do meet some girls worthwhile. But I like the idea of just having all bridesmaids and no MOH's and not making them really responsible for anything.

Thanks girls!!!

Merryfj · March 2010

Sorry your friends aren't being more supportive. I have a similar situation with my MOH. Best friends since high school, I was her MOH but we have definitely drifted apart. It seemed easier to me to ask her to be my MOH than deal with the fall out of not asking. She's actually been more supportive than I expected.

Something to keep in mind though-There is no rule that says you HAVE to have bridesmaids. If it's just going to cause you stress and worry than forget about it! It's supposed to be a fun reason to get your friends dressed up and surrounding you on your day. Not cause you more drama!

MOH and BM Selection---really long but need help

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