Removing a member of the bridal party

xcalison21 · March 2012

What is the best course of action in removing a member of the bridal party?

OliveOilsMom · March 2012

Any course of action to remove a member of the bridal party will be a friendship ending move. You have offered no explanation as to why you need to remove the member. The only reason you would kick out a member of the bridal party would be because they tried to sleep with your FI or physically harmed you or FI. If this is not the case, consider keeping this person in the wedding.

There really is no best course of action to remove a WP member. Its awkward all around. Basically you are breaking up with a friend, so you should do it face to face or over the phone (if the physically violent portion applies).

Meghannsix · March 2012

With no background information at all, I can only suggest you lurk this and the moms and maids board a bit, you'll get your answer, though it's probably not what you want to hear.

zitiqueen · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_removing-a-member-of-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4cefe431-7dd3-4f92-a683-6330525c5b67Post:3aff91af-1650-4714-a6f0-3568e18a2266">Removing a member of the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]What is the best course of action in removing a member of the bridal party?
Posted by xcalison21[/QUOTE]

Did the bridal party member attempt to physically assault you or your FI? Burn your house down? Murder your pets? Cut your brake lines?

Did the bridal party member attempt to sleep with your FI or you?

vicki0508 · March 2012

cement shoes

blgrout · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_removing-a-member-of-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4cefe431-7dd3-4f92-a683-6330525c5b67Post:7ba0f969-af92-41e8-83ee-24ad26371d4e">Re: Removing a member of the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]You want to "remove" someone? Like a wart? Be aware that you'd better have a good reason, because it will make you look like a bridezilla if you don't. It also ends the friendship. No friend or family member will just smile and say it's okay.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Listen to retread. She is very wise.

Also, more information would be helpful. Removing someone from the bridal party is a definnite relationship killer though.

TheFutureMrsFreckles · March 2012

Agree with all of the above; it's a friendship-ender.

If you're ready to move forward with it, regardless of the situation, there's is only one way to go about it: Face to Face (assuming you're close enough). You do it gently and firmly. You don't play games like "It just seems like you don't have time..." or "I thought it's what you'd want...". You say you've appreciated her friendship but just cannot have her be a part of this day. I imagine she'll know exactly why, even if none of us don't!!

Try not to get into a heated screaming match; if she moves in that direction, end the conversation. "Thank you for understanding. Maybe we can talk later." Don't apologize, just get out fast.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

Roundhouse kick to the face. They'll get the picture.

soontobemrsep · March 2012

Simply say, "I've decided that I'm going to end our friendship and ask you to not be in my wedding. I understand this will cause humiliation and hurt feelings for you, but it's MY day."

In all honesty, you don't remove somebody from the bridal party unless something terrible, and by terrible I mean absolutely horrific, has happened between the two of you. She didn't answer your text message? Get over it. She chased you with a butcher knife? Kick her out.

em01092 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_removing-a-member-of-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4cefe431-7dd3-4f92-a683-6330525c5b67Post:e66bd042-87ee-45fd-95b9-fa2d1ed0abb1">Re: Removing a member of the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]Roundhouse kick to the face. They'll get the picture.
Posted by cew515[/QUOTE]

<div>Like</div>

TiffannieF · March 2012

Oh you just say "I've made a mistake..." Probably going to lose your friend but thats better than having a sucky BM for a day, right? "I've made a mistake..." that's from Arrested Development ;oP

Meghannsix · March 2012

OP, your wedding isn't even until September 2013, you shouldn't even have members of the wedding party to remove yet.

rebarobert2012 · March 2012

There is no good way to *remove* a member of the bridal party. Doing so would probably be a friendship-ending move.

nicd83 · March 2012

Ironically, I was kicked out of a wedding in a very clever way. The bride originally asked me to be in it b/c i was her fiance's best friend. I was surprised to be asked, but someone had warned me about it, so even though her exact words were "i want someone on his side so you're the tradeoff" I was like ok... a little rude, but nothing to cause a scene about. I had a lot going on, and let too much come out after a couple of beers one night with them, and I knew I offended them. I apologized the next day, but never got a response. I figured it was fine. I was at the engagement party and I barely saw either of the couple but passed it off to there being a lot of family there. Then they avoided me for 4 months, making excuses for not being able to meet up if I reached out to them. I thought it was weird, especially when I heard from another friend who was a bridesmaid that they were making all these decisions but not cluing me in. I started e-mailing the bride asking if she needed help with anything, and she kept telling it was too early yet. So I said, ok. As long as I know what dress to buy and where to stand, I guess I'm fine. Then out of the blue, 7 months from the day I had offended them, 4 months after their engagement party (the last time I saw them) I got an e-mail from her that was a bit harsh telling me all the ways I offended her, her future husband, and future in-laws (who i've been close with for years) and how she didn't feel I was in the wedding for her and she didn't want me in it if i wasn't there for her and therefore needed to make a decision about being a bridesmaid. A lot of the stuff she was offended by was completely unintentional and it all caught me completely off guard. I spoke to the groom and his parents separately just to make it clear I would have never in a million years have hurt them - and it turned out they were not as offended as she made them out to be, but I was still so upset over this e-mail, I realized I had to drop out. I knew she misunderstood me a lot, and I knew it would only get worse with the wedding planning, and that the bottom line was, she shouldn't have someone she has all these negative misconceptions about in her party. Not to mention the resentment I would have felt for being so poorly judged. So I felt the responsible thing was to drop out. We're all still friends, and my fiance is in the wedding still. But I still feel that our friendships are forever changed b/c of that e-mail, and could have been saved if they had just talked to me after the offenses happened and I could have cleared things up. It's a sad thing, but I realized later on, after the drama passed and reading the letter again... that it was in no way reconcilliatory, it was a request to drop out... there could have been no way to have stayed in the wedding after that e-mail. Perhaps her intention was to end the friendship with all of us, but I didn't feel the need to go that far. I'll never know, but I think everything worked out for the best with dropping out. I don't know if this relates, but good luck.

harjess · March 2012

I had to do that to one of my bridesmaids only because she stopped replying to us and I was not going to hunt down anyone to be in our wedding. No response so be it. Good luck.

froggr13 · March 2012

I'm facing the same problem... One of my maids of honor (I have two) has been in and out of hospital with "issues" for the past year and I'm not sure whether or not she can commit to it - we are having a destination wedding as well. My other MOH has been a great help, while this one has offered nothing. I'm stuck, not sure what to do... Any suggestions??

LauraLarry · March 2012

Bravo. Well said.

MiksChick23 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_removing-a-member-of-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4cefe431-7dd3-4f92-a683-6330525c5b67Post:00490c98-269b-4d8c-b83d-3676424aa391">Re: Removing a member of the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm facing the same problem... <strong>One of my maids of honor (I have two) has been in and out of hospital with "issues" for the past year </strong>and I'm not sure whether or not she can commit to it - we are having a destination wedding as well. My other MOH has been a great help, while this one has offered nothing. I'm stuck, not sure what to do... Any suggestions??
Posted by froggr13[/QUOTE]

I'm loving ReTread's take on this...but I had to add something.

One of your MOH has been in and out of the hospital and you're concerned with her not offering anything? If she can't make it for health reasons, you still wouldn't kick her out - or replace her....because she is important to you and you asked her to stand up with you on your wedding day.

What should you do? Be there for HER since she seems to be the one who could use thoughts, prayers and support.

froggr13 · March 2012

I have been there for her, sadly enough it s a time when I need her there for me too. We have lost my mother-in-law to be to cancer last year and my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last week. One MOH is bending over backwards to be there (which is why she was chosen, been there for me over the last 2 years of personal hell), while the other (been friends for 25 years - has not been). This is where its hard, I do have to move on and make my plans unfortunately whether she stands or not. I'm wondering if I should just "take away" the responsibility, for lack of a better term as it may prove too much for her... That's where my issue lies. And no, she won't be replaced, I will just have one then.

froggr13 · March 2012

PS I do still want her at the wedding though...

MiksChick23 · March 2012

You don't give someone a MOH title because they are bending over backwards to help you with yoru wedding. You ask them because they are a good friend and you want them to stand up on your wedding day. I would SERIOUSLY advise you not to kick her out of your wedding party. If she can get her dress and show up on time for the wedding, she's doing what she's required to do. If you "remove" her, she probably will not be a guest either because this move will probably end your friendship.

froggr13 · March 2012

The "issues" I talk of are mental health - she was a MOH for her sister many years ago and it triggered eating disorders, which lead to many other things and has been in and out of the hospital since. I thought she was doing better and is now in and out of the hospital again (not related to MOH duties, but other stuff) and has admitted to me that she had thought of going down the eating disorder road again to look good for the wedding. I can't be there for her right now as I have my own stuff to deal with. This issue has many facets to it and isn't as simple as it may seem.

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