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Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)

ADTonkADTonk
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in Not Engaged Yet
I'll start off with a little background info:
BF and I have been together for almost 7 years and we're NEY.  For the first 5-6 years, this didn't really bother me because I am a very cautious person who likes to think things through and make sure I've looked at something from all angles before proceeding, especially when it comes to big decisions (e.g. marriage).  For the last year to two years, I've been thinking more and more about marriage.  I've tried not to nag BF about it because I would never want to pressure him into doing something that he wasn't ready to do.  I'm a firm believer in both parties being ready for marriage rather than one pushing the other into it (same goes with children).  BF and I both speak about marriage and having children using "when" rather than "if" statements. We're great friends and we get along great. 

A few months ago (maybe February or March) I casually brought up the topic of marriage to BF.  I asked him what his timeline is when he thinks of marriage and kids (he's 32, I'm 24).  I really wanted to know because I feel like I've been in the dark about timing for a while now and I just wanted to know in terms of days, months, or years.  He basically told me that he wasn't quite ready for marriage yet and he got sort of defensive and thought I was giving him an ultimadum.  Those certainly weren't my intentions at all and I explained that to him and told him that I just feel like at almost 7 years, I feel like he should know by now.  Based on what he was saying in response, I got the feeling that he would never be 100% satisfied with what we have and therefore would never want to take the next step, so I told him that.  After talking it out and sharing how we feel, he concluded the conversation with the fact that he couldn't imagine being with anyone else and that he does want to be with me forever.  He said he's been starting to think about how/where/when to propose.  He told me to put all of my insecurities on the back burner for now and basically in a nutshell told me that the proposal was on its way. This seemed to truly come from the heart and it didn't seem as though he was saying these things to sort of shut me up about the topic.

I've been patiently waiting and doing a great job about not thinking about a proposal since our talk, knowing it would be coming soon.  But recently BF has been making comments about certain things needing to happen before we get married, basically going back to saying he's not quite ready.  I try to let them go and not get to me, but now I'm reverting back to that feeling that he's never going to be satisfied with what we have.  Yesterday at Mother's day dinner everyone was asking about marriage/kids and he completely changed the subject and avoided that conversation

So my questions to you:
How long would you wait to bring this up agian?
At what point do you go to ultimadum mode?

Feel free to add thoughts, questions, or just straight up flame me for acting crazy. 


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Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)

  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If you have lurked around here, you'll know that I'm a very "call it like I see it" type of person, so bear in mind that I'm not saying this to be a biitch.

    You're 24.  He's 32.  You've been dating for 7 years.  If my math is right, that means you began dating when you were 17 and he was 25.  What 25 year old dates a 17 year old?  You're almost 25 now...think about it...can you picture yourself dating a 17 year old?  If he was dating THAT much younger, it kinda seems like he's extremely immature and wasn't looking to settle down.  I mean, for at least 3 of the 7 years you were together, he was an adult and you couldn't even go out to a bar with him and his buddies.  There's something not right with that.

    My thought is that he is immature, never wanted marriage with you, and has been in the relationship this long because you're young, hot, and he didn't think you'd be in a rush to get married.  I bet he'll continue to bait and switch you until you get fed up, give him an ultimatum, and you two break up.

    My vote is to dump him.

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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:0ebcca4c-90ea-4887-9587-ae810faf096b">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you have lurked around here, you'll know that I'm a very "call it like I see it" type of person, so bear in mind that I'm not saying this to be a biitch. You're 24.  He's 32.  You've been dating for 7 years.  If my math is right, that means you began dating when you were 17 and he was 25.  What 25 year old dates a 17 year old?  You're almost 25 now...think about it...can you picture yourself dating a 17 year old?  If he was dating THAT much younger, it kinda seems like he's extremely immature and wasn't looking to settle down.  I mean, for at least 3 of the 7 years you were together, he was an adult and you couldn't even go out to a bar with him and his buddies.  There's something not right with that. My thought is that he is immature, never wanted marriage with you, and has been in the relationship this long because you're young, hot, and he didn't think you'd be in a rush to get married.  I bet he'll continue to bait and switch you until you get fed up, give him an ultimatum, and you two break up. My vote is to dump him.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>THIS.  I started doing the math too, and there's something not quite right about it.  When you start dating men who are that much older than you at that young an age, I feel like it's about sex and not about love.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Ditch him.  You deserve better than some creep looking for a good time with a young girl.</div><div>
    </div>
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:0ebcca4c-90ea-4887-9587-ae810faf096b">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you have lurked around here, you'll know that I'm a very "call it like I see it" type of person, so bear in mind that I'm not saying this to be a biitch. You're 24.  He's 32.  You've been dating for 7 years.  If my math is right, that means you began dating when you were 17 and he was 25.  What 25 year old dates a 17 year old?  You're almost 25 now...think about it...can you picture yourself dating a 17 year old?  If he was dating THAT much younger, it kinda seems like he's extremely immature and wasn't looking to settle down.  I mean, for at least 3 of the 7 years you were together, he was an adult and you couldn't even go out to a bar with him and his buddies.  There's something not right with that. My thought is that he is immature, never wanted marriage with you, and has been in the relationship this long because you're young, hot, and he didn't think you'd be in a rush to get married.  I bet he'll continue to bait and switch you until you get fed up, give him an ultimatum, and you two break up. My vote is to dump him.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    You're not being a biiitch and I wanted an objective "call em like you see em" type of response.  If I were to bring this up to my friends, I feel like they would tell me all of the things I'd want to hear so we stay together. 

    In response - yes, I was 17 and he was 25.  I was a cute little blonde wearing size 3 jeans and he was definitely attracted to that.  When I met him he had a career and was making very good money.  I wouldn't say he was immature, but I definitely agree that it's odd that a 25 y/o and a 17 y/o were dating. 

    Part of the issue is that he has pretty unrealistic expectations about intimacy, which is where the "he might never be satisfied" feeling comes from.  I've told him that I might not ever live up to what he wants in that department and that he needs to decide if that's okay with him.. This is where some of the back and forth feelings are coming from.

    I know he wants marriage and he wants to settle down.  There's no doubt about that.  I just can't help but feel that we're stuck in this relationship rut because he can't decide either way.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:19ebfc6e-ae81-434f-bf44-510bd80152b7">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : You're not being a biiitch and I wanted an objective "call em like you see em" type of response.  If I were to bring this up to my friends, I feel like they would tell me all of the things I'd want to hear so we stay together.  In response - yes, I was 17 and he was 25.  I was a cute little blonde wearing size 3 jeans and he was definitely attracted to that.  When I met him he had a career and was making very good money.  I wouldn't say he was immature, but I definitely agree that it's odd that a 25 y/o and a 17 y/o were dating.  Part of the issue is that <strong>he has pretty unrealistic expectations about intimacy, which is where the "he might never be satisfied" feeling comes from.</strong> <strong> I've told him that I might not ever live up to what he wants in that department and that he needs to decide if that's okay with him..</strong> This is where some of the back and forth feelings are coming from. I know he wants marriage and he wants to settle down.  There's no doubt about that.  I just can't help but feel that we're stuck in this relationship rut because he can't decide either way.
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Stop.  Now.  Re-read that bolded portion.</div><div>
    </div><div>He doesn't need to decide if he's okay with that.  That's not his decision.  YOU JUST PUT YOURSELF DOWN.  You need to decide if you're okay with that.</div><div>
    </div><div>And in my fully honest and blunt opinion, no.  You should NOT be okay with that.  You should never EVER feel like you're not good enough, like you're not what he wants. </div><div>
    </div><div>I defer back to my previous statement - you deserve BETTER.</div><div>
    </div>
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    As I reread what I just said, I probably just made him out to seem like a sex-driven pig, which is not what he is at all.  We get along very well, share a lot of the same values and views, and are on the same page with just about everything else in life.


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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:19ebfc6e-ae81-434f-bf44-510bd80152b7">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) :  Part of the issue is that he has pretty unrealistic expectations about intimacy, which is where the "he might never be satisfied" feeling comes from.  I've told him that <strong>I might not ever live up to what he wants in that department and that he needs to decide if that's okay with him.. </strong>This is where some of the back and forth feelings are coming from. <strong>I know he wants marriage and he wants to settle down.  </strong>There's no doubt about that.  I just can't help but feel that we're stuck in this relationship rut because he can't decide either way.
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    If he's stayed with you for seven years, while being unsatisfied with your intimacy, what does that say?  He isn't looking for anything serious...he wanted the cute little blonde in size 3 jeans.  And honestly, why would you want to stay in a relationship where you're constantly made to feel like you're not satisfying him?

    And you say you "know" he wants marriage, but everything he has done STRONGLY indicates that he does not.  Perhaps you WANT him to want marriage, and you're trying to convince yourself that it's true.

    Frankly, if I were you, I'd take my cute blonde self and run for the hills.

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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:c46e35ce-0e91-4846-b580-0460e1fc4b4c">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : If he's stayed with you for seven years, while being unsatisfied with your intimacy, what does that say?  He isn't looking for anything serious...he wanted the cute little blonde in size 3 jeans.  And honestly, why would you want to stay in a relationship where you're constantly made to feel like you're not satisfying him?
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    What it says to me (we've had many heart-to-hearts about this topic) is that everything else about our relationship is exactly as it needs to be, except for this. If he wasn't serious and looking forward to marriage, he would have left for someone who would live up to his expectations. 

    I've stayed in this realationship in hopes that it would eventually satisfy him. I am who I am and I know that's not going to change, I was just hoping that he would come to terms with that.

    I agree that I should not have to feel like I am not living up to his expectations.  To be honest, I haven't even looked at it at this angle before.  I've always thought about it as something that I need to do to make it work. 

    I think this calls for a serious talk.  We've talked before and we almost broke up a year ago. To be honest, I am emotionally exhausted and I feel like walking away would be a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.  At the same time I feel like that's just giving up.
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  • Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I would never offer an ultimatum, but I do think it's worth evaluating how you stand.  Are you okay being with this guy who may never want to take it to another level?  Not that 7 years is a long time - I know plenty of seven year relationships that are either JUST engaged or will soon be engaged.  Not a big deal.  While the age difference was sketchy at the beginning of your relationship, I don't think it's sketchy now.  But I would definitely at least talk to him about where he sees the relationship going - it doesn't seem like you're on the same page.

    As I said, an ultimatum will not work.
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:42cd2bfa-8fb1-4444-bfbe-7bbcc93d2d21">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : What it says to me (we've had many heart-to-hearts about this topic) is that everything else about our relationship is exactly as it needs to be, except for this. If he wasn't serious and looking forward to marriage, he would have left for someone who would live up to his expectations.  I've stayed in this realationship in hopes that it would eventually satisfy him. I am who I am and I know that's not going to change, I was just hoping that he would come to terms with that. I agree that I should not have to feel like I am not living up to his expectations.  To be honest, I haven't even looked at it at this angle before.  I've always thought about it as something that I need to do to make it work.  I think this calls for a serious talk.  We've talked before and we almost broke up a year ago. <strong>To be honest, I am emotionally exhausted and I feel like walking away would be a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.  At the same time I feel like that's just giving up.</strong>
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    <div>If you feel like it would be a weight off your shoulders, it's time to go.  Listen to yourself.  It's not giving up if you're taking care of you.</div>
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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:42cd2bfa-8fb1-4444-bfbe-7bbcc93d2d21">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : .<strong> If he wasn't serious and looking forward to marriage, he would have left for someone who would live up to his expectations.  </strong>
    I think this calls for a serious talk.  <strong>We've talked before and we almost broke up a year ago. To be honest, I am emotionally exhausted and I feel like walking away would be a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.  </strong>At the same time I feel like that's just giving up.
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    No, he wouldn't have left for someone who met his expectations.  Think about it this way...who would he leave you for??  Most girls who would be old enough to date him without getting him arrested would, at this point, be looking for a serious commitment, which he obviously is unwilling to provide.

    And it's not likely that a 18-21 year old would want to date someone his age.

    If you feel like walking away would be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, then TRUST me, you shouldn't marry him.  Walk away.  This is the best time of your life...you should ENJOY it, not be weighed down by a relationship that requires you to put in so much effort while your partner criticizes your "intimacy".

    Good relationships shouldn't require CONSTANT work.  Sure, everyone needs to work at their relationships.  But at the end of the day, if the relationship feels like a job and makes you feel bad about yourself, it's not the right one for you.

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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:4ce04fbb-13c5-4370-bd96-7654a71560ed">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would never offer an ultimatum, but I do think it's worth evaluating how you stand.  Are you okay being with this guy who may never want to take it to another level?  Not that 7 years is a long time - I know plenty of seven year relationships that are either JUST engaged or will soon be engaged.  Not a big deal.  While the age difference was sketchy at the beginning of your relationship, I don't think it's sketchy now.  But I would definitely at least talk to him about where he sees the relationship going - it doesn't seem like you're on the same page. As I said, an ultimatum will not work.
    Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

    I think ultimadum was not a good choice of words.  I mean "How long would you wait until you decide it's been too long and you need to move on?"

    "Marry me or I'm leaving" is NOT at all what I want to say. 

    At the same time, I can't continue to feel inadequete for the rest of my life.
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  • mandi921vhmandi921vh member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    What exactly do you mean by intimacy?
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:e6bab2dc-6e7d-40d6-b6fb-8e1b798c24f2">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : I think ultimadum was not a good choice of words.  I mean "How long would you wait until you decide it's been too long and you need to move on?" "Marry me or I'm leaving" is NOT at all what I want to say.  <strong>At the same time, I can't continue to feel inadequete for the rest of my life.
    </strong>Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    ::hugs, hugs, hugs, BIG hugs::

    Please, please don't let anyone make you feel inadequate for the rest of your life...or ever.

    I so desperately wanted my last relationship to work. I quit my incredible job- and moved from Connecticut to California to live with him. Everything was perfect....except for when I started to gain weight and couldn't satisfy him "intimately"...and I tried...even though my hormones were messed up...I tried. But then I felt like I was just servicing him.

    It was a vicious cycle...he wouldn't be romantic, because I wasn't being intimate enough. And I couldn't be intimate enough, because he couldn't be romantic enough. By the time I stumbled out of the relationship two years later- I didn't even know what made me happy anymore. I let him take this beautiful, confident girl and make her into a dependent, desperate, sad girl. Ah...never again...

    How do you think your BF will feel after you give birth and can't make love for awhile? What if you got into a car accident? And was never really able to be  intimate again? Or what if like me- you had a health issue- and gained 100 pounds in two years? Would he still love you then? :( I hope the answer is yes...but these are questions you really need to think about....
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:ee76f066-8d31-4549-8b12-a6ad91163eae">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : No, he wouldn't have left for someone who met his expectations.  Think about it this way...who would he leave you for??  Most girls who would be old enough to date him without getting him arrested would, at this point, be looking for a serious commitment, which he obviously is unwilling to provide. And it's not likely that a 18-21 year old would want to date someone his age. If you feel like walking away would be a huge weight lifted off your shoulders, then TRUST me, you shouldn't marry him.  Walk away.  This is the best time of your life...you should ENJOY it, not be weighed down by a relationship that requires you to put in so much effort while your partner criticizes your "intimacy". Good relationships shouldn't require CONSTANT work.  Sure, everyone needs to work at their relationships.  But at the end of the day, if the relationship feels like a job and makes you feel bad about yourself, it's not the right one for you.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    I think this is subconsciously the response I was hoping for when I posted this.  While I don't agree that he doesn't want to commit, the rest of it is on point.  I shouldn't be feeling inadequete.  He is a great person and I believe we could manage a healthy friendship if I walked. Ending the relationship would be a huge weight lifted because I wouldn't feel the need to live up to the expectations that I might never meet.
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You WILL find someone that accepts you exactly the way you are...that satisfies you just as much as you satisfy him.
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:0c83b496-7fa6-443e-87da-7c39ce36ccc0">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : ::hugs, hugs, hugs, BIG hugs:: Please, please don't let anyone make you feel inadequate for the rest of your life...or ever. I so desperately wanted my last relationship to work. I quit my incredible job- and moved from Connecticut to California to live with him. Everything was perfect....except for when I started to gain weight and couldn't satisfy him "intimately"...and I tried...even though my hormones were messed up...I tried. But then I felt like I was just servicing him. It was a vicious cycle...he wouldn't be romantic, because I wasn't being intimate enough. And I couldn't be intimate enough, because he couldn't be romantic enough. By the time I stumbled out of the relationship two years later- I didn't even know what made me happy anymore. I let him take this beautiful, confident girl and make her into a dependent, desperate, sad girl. Ah...never again... How do you think your BF will feel after you give birth and can't make love for awhile? What if you got into a car accident? And was never really able to be  intimate again? Or what if like me- you had a health issue- and gained 100 pounds in two years? Would he still love you then? :( I hope the answer is yes...but these are questions you really need to think about....
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    Your vicious cycle sounds like mine.  And then because I'm not intimate enough he gets frustrated and doesn't always treat me the way he should.  When it gets to this point, I feel like I am constantly having to call him out because of the way he talks to me.  I know he doesn't do it to hurt me, but it does.  Something's gotta give.
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:a5d5f035-87a3-48a3-8c04-e85b86994a1b">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]\ I know he doesn't do it to hurt me, but it does.  Something's gotta give.
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    ::sigh:: I wish I had a solution for this...Maybe someone will come on the board that had this same problem and say how they worked through it.
    But I only know people where it has failed...

    I know someone that is in a 32 year marriage...and it is failing...still...because of this exact issue.

    All I can tell you is that I felt so much better once I recovered from that relationship. One day- I came home and asked him, "Do you love me? Or are you <em>in</em> love with me?" There is a difference....He said he just loved me. So I called my parents to come and get me- and within 30 minutes all my clothes were out of the apartment.

    A year later I met Andrew...And...I'm nearly crying just thinking about it. I'm so in love with him. He's so in love with me. I can't believe I put myself through the torture of my last relationship. And now for the first time...I really really enjoy being intimate.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    First of all, I don't think the age thing should come into play here at all. My BF and I have 8 years between us also, so I cannot judge that. We did not meet when I was 17 though, and that may or may not play a factor here.

    I believe in full disclosure in relationships. If you are wanting marriage and a family, he needs to know you are wanting to go in that direction. If he does not want those things, he needs to be honest with you. If either of you feel the other is not forthcoming when discussing the future, how can this relationship work? It is not unrealistic for you to be thinking about marriage after 7 years, but if he is not in the same place then either one of two things will happen:

    1. You will spend time waiting for him to decide if he wants to marry you. (only you can decide how long you are willing to wait for that answer, but I don't believe ultimatums produce positive relationships)
    2. You will decide to move on and open yourself up to the idea of meeting someone new whose life goals are more in line with your own.

    I can't tell you which way you should go - that is a personal decision you have to make. I do however wish you the best of luck with your decision. Have confidence that things will work out how they were meant to.

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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I'm feeling nosy...  Does he even satisfy YOU sexually?  What about your sex life does he find unfulfilling?

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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:91a999bd-bae6-42b3-af16-718aca857fcb">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long) : ::sigh:: I wish I had a solution for this...Maybe someone will come on the board that had this same problem and say how they worked through it. But I only know people where it has failed... <strong>I know someone that is in a 32 year marriage...and it is failing...still...because of this exact issue</strong>. All I can tell you is that I felt so much better once I recovered from that relationship. One day- I came home and asked him, "Do you love me? Or are you in love with me?" There is a difference....He said he just loved me. So I called my parents to come and get me- and within 30 minutes all my clothes were out of the apartment.<strong> A year later I met Andrew...And...I'm nearly crying just thinking about it. I'm so in love with him. He's so in love with me. I can't believe I put myself through the torture of my last relationship. And now for the first time...I really really enjoy being intimate.</strong>
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    1st bolded part - This is not what I want to happen. 

    2nd bolded part - This is how I want to feel.  I can't help but to think now that if I stay where I am now I will never enjoy being intimate.  Because of the inadequecy issues, it really does seem like just a job to me.  I will even when I don't want to just so he can be satisfied.  I want to want this and unfortunately I don't.
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm feeling nosy...  Does he even satisfy YOU sexually?
    Not really.

     What about your sex life does he find unfulfilling?
    Without TMI, he's unhappy with frequency and initiation.  But I'm not satisfied, so it's very difficult to change that. 

    Now that you all have helped me peel back the layers and we're down to the core, it's seems so obvious to me now.  It's amazing that when you're looking from the outside in, it's so easy to see the answer.  When you're in the situation, you tell yourself things so that you don't have to face the truth.

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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    My guess? Quantity...I bet he could do it twice a day. And guess what, Mr. Man- That's not reasonable... Your expectations are craazzzyyy....

    Good Luck finding someone that will do it every darned day...especially when you have kids.

    When my ex and I broke up, he cried...he cried about how much he missed the girl he fell in love with. (Guess what, Mr. Man? You crushed her....). 7 months later- we ran into eachother at an Oktoberfest.  I wanted to tell my ex, "Oh- I found the girl you were looking for...you know..the one you belittled until she was almost nothing...she's dating someone else! And so happy!" But I didn't care enough to do so....I just held Andrew's hand tighter and smiled.
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  • loves2shop4shoesloves2shop4shoes member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Duuuuude...he's not even getting you off? 

    RUN!

    Oh, but stay on here...I like you.

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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:337fccdb-53bd-4ab5-abdb-645864bea742">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's amazing that when you're looking from the outside in, it's so easy to see the answer.  <strong>When you're in the situation, you tell yourself things so that you don't have to face the truth.
    </strong>Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    It took me 6 months to finally leave...breaking up sucks. I had to move back in with my parents. Ugh. I thought he was the one- I really did. His mom sent me a nice note- thanking me for all the lovely things I did for her and her family. I think she knew I deserved happiness too.

    And you deserve happiness too...

    ETA: And I don't think this situation will solve itself...it goes beyond just the sex. I know it did for me...

    And I have another question- within the last 6 months...has he really tried to be intimate for you? Has he run your a romantic bath? Lit candles? Caressed your back softly?

    I always wondered why my ex didn't do that...If he wanted nook SOOO bad....Why didn't HE have to try too?!
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Shoes and Lunar - I think you're both right.  Thank you.

    The logistics make things a little more challenging.  There is literally no one that I could go to if I left.  I would be on my own which would require a second job and a little more savings than I have.  I think a serious conversation is needed.  I would never want to blind side him with a "hey, i saved up money, found an apartment, and i'm leaving".
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:8a7bb1a3-4f0e-462b-a087-7a107599e405">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Shoes and Lunar - I think you're both right.  Thank you. The logistics make things a little more challenging.  There is literally no one that I could go to if I left.  I would be on my own which would require a second job and a little more savings than I have. <strong> I think a serious conversation is needed.</strong>  I would never want to blind side him with a "hey, i saved up money, found an apartment, and i'm leaving".
    Posted by ADTonk[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. You never know....this could be what turns things around... ::shrugs:: I'm not sure...but I hope so.

    Have you and your SO discussed your love languages? <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/">http://www.5lovelanguages.com/</a>

    Does your BF really know your love language? We're over here with our pitchforks...but this guy might actually be thinking he's speaking your love language with sex. "Because hey...it's his love language- must be yours too, right?" ;) Look into it. If he knows your love langauge and just doesn't care...well...that's another story.

    <a href="http://www.5lovelanguages.com/">http://www.5lovelanguages.com/</a>
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  • ADTonkADTonk
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-wwyd-need-out-of-head-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:08740af8-1987-4bd6-83c0-042d9e8aebe6Post:d01da3b0-428c-4790-94b8-b5295634169e">Re: Vent / WWYD? / I need to get out of my head. (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE] ETA: And I don't think this situation will solve itself...it goes beyond just the sex. I know it did for me... And I have another question- within the last 6 months...has he really tried to be intimate for you? Has he run your a romantic bath? Lit candles? Caressed your back softly? I always wondered why my ex didn't do that...If he wanted nook SOOO bad....Why didn't HE have to try too?!
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    It does go beyond sex.  It's one of those "chicken and the egg" things.  I don't know which came first, the intimacy issues or the other issues.  Either way, it's not healthy and both of us deserve more happiness than we are allowing ourselves to have right now.

    As for your questions: No, no, no, and no.  Every once and a while I come home to a few candles lit, but I light candles everyday so he knows that's not going to strike a nerve with me.  I have actually asked him why he doesn't even try.  Sometimes he will just ask if I want to do it, usually when I am washing dishes or cleaning the litter box or something. (of course I'm going to say no!).  I've tried to explain to him that women get turned on when their emotions are in the right place and you have to work up to it and we don't have an "on" button like they do but it doesn't sink in.
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  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    ADTonk - also, don't think of it as you not living up to his expectations, or him having unrealistic expectations... it may just be that the two of you aren't right for each other. You care about each other, so neither of you wants to hurt the other. But at the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself. And at 24 years old, you still have a lot of life ahead of you... too much to settle down with a guy that's 'mostly right' for you.

    It will be hard, it will be sad, but you'll feel A LOT better about yourself when you make a decision that you know is in your best interest. Best of luck and know that we are all here for you as you go through this.
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    "You are made of win." -SopChick
    Still here and still fabulous!

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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    *hugs*

    I like you, hang around here.  We'll help get you through it.

    I almost left when FI and I lived together a while back.  I was working on finding an apartment, or even just a room for a month or so.  When we talked, we broke up, and then realized how absolutely miserable it was without each other.  We had a lot of problems, and we still have quite a few, but we've changed how we deal with them.  And that entire ordeal fixed a lot of things in our relationship.  

    I'm not saying that's how things are going to go for you, but you never know.  Sit down and talk to him.  Be completely honest with him.  It's not giving him an ultimatum, it's telling him where you see things are headed, and your problems with it.  And who knows, maybe that's what he needs to help set things right.
    I french with my man
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  • bourgehmbourgehm
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Tonk, I think the other ladies covered it well, but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. You seem like such a strong woman. YOU CAN DO IT.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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