Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???

Jenners16 · December 2012

So my fiance and I just bought a house! We won't close until late March, so 3-4 months from now. We are not married yet (wedding set for September 1, 2013) BUT being married would make buying a house, and getting the funding, a million times easier! He qualifies for VA home loans and I can't be named on the mortgage because we aren't married. That would also make it hard for me to be named on the deed (because the VA would have to approve it). We would have to write up some sort of agreement, since I am putting in a large down payment and we are splitting mortgage payments equally. We would need an attorney for that and it would cost money.

Basically, we are thinking about getting hitched at the courthouse so we can buy the house together-- we would both be named on the mortgage and deed, and wouldn't have to worry about what-ifs. We would try to keep it a secret, even from our parents. But my concern is what happens if people find out? Would they be mad? We still want to have a ceremony at our wedding in September. How would we go about working this for the wedding? Has anyone done this?

Thanks!

mcda04 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-at-the-courthouse-before-the-big-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:19f22826-b292-4450-9104-634746190ca3Post:7a97c89c-7154-493e-bfe6-eda98ee2f3f9">Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I just bought a house! We won't close until late March, so 3-4 months from now. We are not married yet (wedding set for September 1, 2013) BUT being married would make buying a house, and getting the funding, a million times easier! He qualifies for VA home loans and I can't be named on the mortgage because we aren't married. That would also make it hard for me to be named on the deed (because the VA would have to approve it). We would have to write up some sort of agreement, since I am putting in a large down payment and we are splitting mortgage payments equally. We would need an attorney for that and it would cost money. Basically, we are thinking about getting hitched at the courthouse so we can buy the house together-- we would both be named on the mortgage and deed, and wouldn't have to worry about what-ifs. We would try to keep it a secret, even from our parents. But my concern is what happens if people find out? Would they be mad? <strong>We still want to have a ceremony at our wedding in September. How would we go about working this for the wedding? Has anyone done this? Thanks!</strong>
Posted by Jenners16[/QUOTE]

You can't lie about being married. Your family and friends would be mortified. That's shouldn't even be an option.

To the bolded part: wait till September or move up your wedding. Most venues are able to change your date so you don't lose a deposit.

The military brides might be able to shed some light on you.

Sue-n-Kevin · December 2012

I agree with the prior poster, this is really deceitful and not fair to anyone.

Talk to a lawyer. They may be able to help you with the legal stuff involved surrounding buying a house as a single person, then adding another name to deed.

RamonaFlowers · December 2012

I'm in the camp of "Don't run to the courthouse if you already know that's not how you want to get married." But I'm also okay with people throwing vow renewal ceremonies/having kick-ass first anniversary parties/etc as long as they are 100% honest with everybody about when the actual marriage took place.

The second somebody lies about something so huge as getting married, I have a problem with it, and start judging the crap out of people.

HobokensFury · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-at-the-courthouse-before-the-big-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:19f22826-b292-4450-9104-634746190ca3Post:f7c56098-f764-4cfe-b91b-9b08abcb8981">Re: Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???</a>:
[QUOTE]Never lie to friends and family like that. Those things get out, and they will be furious at being lied to like that. Have the wedding you can have now, and be happy with that, or wait. The do-overs to get the big party are tacky.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This

Viczaesar · December 2012

WHY why why why is this becoming so popular? WHY? Why can't people just live with the consequences of their decisions?

JaneAustensGhost · December 2012

This is a horrible idea. If you were my friend and I found out you lied, I'd never speak to you again. What a horrible thing to lie to your family about. Awful.

Be an adult and accept the consequences of your actions.

QueerFemme · December 2012

Agree with everyone else. Being a grown up and making big girl choices has consequences. Either get married sooner. Wait to buy the house until September. Or, pay for the legal fees to properly protect yourself.

Getting married now, lying to your friends, and having a pretty princess day later is tacky and horribly rude to your guests.

Lots and lots of people have one reason or another that they may want to get married sooner. Mortgage woes, insurance, deployment, immigration, etc. If you want/"need" to get married sooner, then fine, but don't bother with the fake wedding later.

Jen4948 · December 2012

Don't lie and pretend you're not married just so you can have a big party later while claiming the legal benefits of marriage now.

That's deceitful and it's really offensive to people.

kks4471 · December 2012

I just wanted to add that my H is the only person on our home's mortgage. He was planning our engagement when he purchased our house. I actually provided most of the downpayment, and because we weren't married, the first financial guy wouldn't work with my H. Long story made short, H found a new bank to provide the mortgage regardless of my contribution.

My point is, we did not go to the courthouse and get married in order to make the home purchase go smoother. We had a beautiful wedding one year and 8 months after the house closing, and are still very happy with our home.

jennylee813 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-at-the-courthouse-before-the-big-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:19f22826-b292-4450-9104-634746190ca3Post:55ff4c45-33a1-4bb0-af8a-307b0365f3dc">Re: Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???</a>:
[QUOTE]WHY why why why is this becoming so popular? WHY? <strong>Why can't people just live with the consequences of their decisions? </strong>
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

Because there are no consequences anymore. For anything. What? You don't like school? well, don't go! You don't like to read? Okay then, you don't have to... You don't want to work to buy your own car? Don't sweat it, I've got it covered because I love you and you should never want for anything ...

And OP, lying to everyone is hurtful and immature. Either move the wedding up or buy the house as single people. Your name can be added to the mortgage when you get married. It will cost a bit of money, but can be done for a fee and a bit of paperwork.

gmg75241 · December 2012

Honestly, we were married at the courthouse 6 months prior to our wedding just becaue of the same reasons and more. We did not tell anyone about it unless we wanted to and they didnt not tell anyone. Its your life and you really do not owe anyone any explanations about what you do, especially when you get married because they will still show up to your wedding and still be happy for you regardless. No one knew about our nuptials except for 1 close friend who was my maid of honor and I still do not feel the need to let anyone else know. I mean, what would be the point and what would it accomplish? Its your business so do what you want. If you want to tell them then thats fine and if you dont, then thats fine too. Good luck.

Also, even though we were married early, it still did not take away the experience of the actual wedding....it was like we were not even married until that day lol.

And FYI, I recently told my immediate family and they just laughed. Most of them thought we were married prior anyway since we have been together for 10 years. So people may not react the way you think they might.lol

JaneAustensGhost · December 2012

Really? It isn't a huge deal to lie to your friends and family? That's not a good character reference for you.

OliveOilsMom · December 2012

I purchased a home on my own. I just recently added my husband to the deed and sent the papers needed off to the mortgage company. It will be cheaper in the long run, to just wait until after you are married and hire an attorney to update your deed and file it with your county. Then take your new deed and whatever other papers are needed (Bank of America requested a W-9 form from my husband, homeowners insurance with both our names, the new deed, and the updated property tax bill) and send them to your mortgage company.

In regards to protecting yourself of your down payment money. Get a certified bank check written to your FI. In the memo, put "down payment loan". If something were to happen, this paperwork could be used by an attorney to get your money back or force the sale of the house to get your money back.

Please, don't just have a courthouse wedding to make this "easier" on yourselves. Your quiet quickie marriage will get out and friends or family may not say it to your face, but they will be mad they were lied to. And just because you have known others who have done it, doesn't make it right either.

jennylee813 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-at-the-courthouse-before-the-big-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:19f22826-b292-4450-9104-634746190ca3Post:2a3b073a-5cd3-4953-beb2-e1c64a2dc7dd">Re: Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks to some of the people on this thread who have actually provided some constructive criticism/help. However, I do not appreciate the rudeness from others. I am very aware about the consequences of making "big girl" decisions. We do understand that buying a house and getting married are both huge commitments, and we are trying to be responsible and mature about both. In fact, going to an attorney was the only option we had thought of, until my father and my best friend both independently suggested that we should just get married now and keep it a secret. I have known other couples who have been legally married weeks or even months before (for religious or whatever reasons). I guess to me and my fiance,<strong> getting married on paper</strong> doesn't have much meaning outside of the legal benefits/consequences. Having a celebration with our family and friends is what matters, so we didn't think this was such a huge deal.
Posted by Jenners16[/QUOTE]

This is highly insulting to anyone who has a courthouse wedding. Am I going to be LESS married than you because I'm having a civil ceremony?

The day you make those promises and sign your licence IS the day you're married, whether it's in a church, a courthouse, a park, or a restaurant. If you want to be grown up and mature about it, don't lie to anyone. Own your decisions, once and for all.

Coghoot12 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-at-the-courthouse-before-the-big-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:19f22826-b292-4450-9104-634746190ca3Post:655eb76e-bdad-4bd2-b421-a31f3ba50d3d">Re: Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???</a>:
[QUOTE]I just wanted to add that my H is the only person on our home's mortgage. He was planning our engagement when he purchased our house. I actually provided most of the downpayment, and because we weren't married, the first financial guy wouldn't work with my H. Long story made short, H found a new bank to provide the mortgage regardless of my contribution. My point is, we did not go to the courthouse and get married in order to make the home purchase go smoother. We had a beautiful wedding one year and 8 months after the house closing, and are still very happy with our home.
Posted by kks4471[/QUOTE]

<div align="left">This.

We had the same situation. Our house and mortgage was only
in H's (then FI) name. It actually was not a big deal. We both
paid into it, paid into repairs, ect. We just recently sold it and I still
had to sign off on a lot of paperwork authorizing the sale even though my name
was not on any of the paperwork since we were married at the time of the
sale.

I agree with CMGr that a pre-nep is the best way to handle
this if you are that concerned about retaining your interest in the property if
things go bad.</div>

cwaggoner07 · December 2012

I should just stop clicking on these posts because they continuously make me mad at entitled people.

NYCMercedes · December 2012

Who was rude? Posters said lying is immature and tacky but nobody was rude. Do you think disagreement with your idea is rude? Added later: She posted that people were rude and now it's gone. Why oh why?

erinlin25 · December 2012

if you do decide to get married first you need to tell people! But (and i'm sure it differs everywhere) we were actually advised to do our house loan BEFORE we were married-- I know that is due in part that my FI is a small business owner (with only a year in business) so its going to be much harder for him to get a house loan. Although his credit is way up there, he will be considered at risk for a few more years. So, in our case we need to have me get the loan prior to our marriage and then we were told when we were married it wouldn't be any trouble adding him to the mortgage. Since we have not taken the steps yet we don't know how the process will go, but that was our recent advise and are working to get that going before our june wedding.

Look at your options and decide what is important to you-- if you want the big wedding in septemeber you need to wait and do it the ONE time. Otherwsie, do the small ceremony, but make sure everyone invited the wedding in september are aware of your marital status and that the wedding event is just that--an after wedding celebration (no white dress, no showers, etc). It doesn't matter to me if people want to get married earlier than planned for whatever reasons, but its important to know the truth

[Deleted User] · December 2012

Better to be honest if you are getting married because not sure if they do it in your area but in my are they post monthly all the home sales/purchases & the names. You wouldn't want your family to see it in the paper that Mr. & Mrs. X bought this house instead of Mr. X & Ms. Y. That would break their hearts.

jemmini6 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_getting-married-at-the-courthouse-before-the-big-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:19f22826-b292-4450-9104-634746190ca3Post:7a97c89c-7154-493e-bfe6-eda98ee2f3f9">Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???</a>:
[QUOTE]So my fiance and I just bought a house! We won't close until late March, so 3-4 months from now. We are not married yet (wedding set for September 1, 2013) BUT being married would make buying a house, and getting the funding, a million times easier! He qualifies for VA home loans and I can't be named on the mortgage because we aren't married. That would also make it hard for me to be named on the deed (because the VA would have to approve it). We would have to write up some sort of agreement, since I am putting in a large down payment and we are splitting mortgage payments equally. We would need an attorney for that and it would cost money. Basically, we are thinking about getting hitched at the courthouse so we can buy the house together-- we would both be named on the mortgage and deed, and wouldn't have to worry about what-ifs. <strong>We would try to keep it a secret, even from our parents. But my concern is what happens if people find out? Would they be mad? We still want to have a ceremony at our wedding in September.</strong> How would we go about working this for the wedding? Has anyone done this? Thanks!
Posted by Jenners16[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes, they would more than likely be mad. If you were my daughter and you lied to me about getting married, I would be absolutely FURIOUS, not just mad. Even as just a regular guest, I'd feel pretty pissed that I came to your "wedding" only to find out (either now, or 10 years in the future) that you lied to everyone about it.</div><div>
</div><div>Really, I think just getting a lawyer to write up some papers now is the best way to go, but if you are really going to be selfish enough to get married now and do a PPD later for something that you could have easily done another way, for the love of God don't lie about it.

</div>

QueerFemme · December 2012

You know what really pisses me off about the OP's second post (that Liatris luckily quoted, since it has since been DDd). The PARTY isn't what matters. The MARRIAGE is what matters.

I had an amazing wedding. My partner and I said our vows to each other in front of 120+ people. All of our guests were thrilled to be a part of the ceremony and very happy for us. But, we still can't get legally married and we are not afforded the legal protections that you are so blatantly taking for granted.

Your original post and your follow up post is a slap in the face and is horribly offensive to everyone who had a JOP wedding and those of us who CAN'T have a JOP wedding.

Lisa50 · December 2012

What's more important to YOU? If purchasing this house is more important to you than sticking to your planned wedding date, get married tomorrow at the courthouse (cancel the planned wedding) and be done with all of this.

If having the wedding of your dreams, as planned, is more important than buying this house, at this time, with both names on the mortgage and title, go ahead with your big wedding plans. The real estate market isn't going to change radically in the next 6 to 12 months. If this house isn't available, another one will be.

What a hornet's nest! Whatever you do, don't lie to your family and friends by carrying out a fake wedding in a few months if you choose to go to a JP and have a courthouse wedding now.

kmmssg · December 2012

There is ONLY one reason people get married and keep it a secret from family until the pretty princess day - so people will attend and think they are attending a real wedding and not a redo. If these people told everyone they were already married and were having a redo wedding they KNOW many wouldn't take it seriously and may not attend. There is NO other reason a couple would choose to keep this a secret.

kmmssg · December 2012

There is ONLY one reason couples marry in secret and then have a redo pretty princess day and that is so everyone will think they are coming to a wedding and not a reenactment. These couples know that if people knew they were already married the guests wouldn't take it seriously and many wouldn't attend. There is NO reason or excuse to lie to those nearest and dearest to you.

kmmssg · December 2012

Sorry for the double post, the knot ate my response the first time but now it seems to be there.

Summer2011Bride · December 2012

I would quote but you DD'd this post.

If celebrating your love in front of family and friends is what is most important to you, then that takes precedence over the house. Then that's the choice you make. You either continue with the planned wedding in Sept or move up the traditional wedding to early March. If that's your priority in all this, then those are your options.

Having a JOP now, lying about it and then having a PPD later should not even be an option on the table right now. That it is says a lot about you. I would not want to be your friend or family member if you even thought that you could lie to me about something as huge as you being married. That's a slap in the face to your friends/family and very disrespectful.

I couldn't care less if you think this post is rude. You need to be knocked down a few notches from your sense of entitlement. You need to hear this and probably never have before in your life since you got to be this entitled somehow. The fact that this is about the 7th of this kind of post I've seen in the last week is sickening and unfortunately is a sad look at the way society is going.

unchatenfrance · December 2012

OP, forget about having your friends and family buy the ruse of the second wedding for a second, and think about the person who will be performing your second ceremony. How would you pull the wool over the religious official's (or whseever's) eyes about the fact that you're already legally married? Wouldn't he know the jig is up when you didn't have a marriage licence to give to him because, well, you're already married so city hall will obviously not give you another one? Trying to deceive everyone on this is just a disaster waiting to happen.

ryan&cassie · December 2012

Wow, I am impressed with the amount of people who are saying that this is a horrible, terrible idea. I totally disagree!!

I recently found out that a family friend (whose wedding I attended) got married 3 months prior to their wedding, because of some issue with her fiance's visa. They had some co-workers act as the witnesses. I'm not sure how many people found out, but my sister was a bridesmaid so that's how I found out. I was not in any way upset by this, and even if I had known before, I don't think I would have cared.

I think my point is that, stuff happens in life. If getting married right now is the easiest / best way for you figure out your house situation, then go for it. That doesn't mean that you should sacrifice having the kind of wedding that you want. You'd still be sharing your vows and celebration with all your guests, which is the point of the party.

Nothing these days is traditional - people are living together, and buying homes together before they get married. I don't think there is a "right" or "wrong" way to handle this. Just do what is best for you guys.

MoxieMickie · December 2012

I

Gtgirl88 · December 2012

I would move up the date of the wedding.. i honestly think its tacky to get married than at a later date have the wedding.

Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???

Re: Getting married at the courthouse before the big day...???

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