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RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!

sgervais88sgervais88
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in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Sorry so long. Venting.

I'm so frustrated. Ugh. My fiance and I have been together since we were 15, sophomores in high school. We are now 19 (although I wll be 20 next month, and he will be 20 in Aug. haha he's younger) and have been together over 4 years, I have lived with him since I was 17 (my family is...complicated) and we got engaged Dec. 12 of 2009.

We realize that we are young. That is why we are waiting until we graduate (bachelor's degrees) before we get married. June 2012. We feel that is a mature decision, and we already live together, so there is no rush to get married. We are using the long engagement to save up and are not planning anything for another year or year and a half.

Family members and friends of ours (friends "old enough" to have babies of their own btw) have commented on how "young" we are to get married. First, we are not getting married at 19, we are engaged at 19. Second, we realize we are young, that's why we are waiting. So we know when that day comes that it is the right decision. Third, doesn't that prove we are mature enough to be engaged!?

Btw again, I have no problem with young mothers. Really. I just feel that if you are old enough to have a baby at my age, then you are in no place to judge me getting engaged at my age. Just sayin.
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Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!

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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    Why is it a touchy subject though?

    Anyway, we felt it was a good time to get ready because we would have graduated by then, and would both have to move away for graduate school. Most of our families support us, except an aunt on his side and an uncle on mine.

    It's mainly our friends, but I think they just feel we would be "missing out" on being young and not married. I'm not sure what we would miss though really.
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    JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:cf17b5fb-32c9-4c33-a287-376415773c12">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think these young mothers are probably telling you that you're too young to get married because they regret having had to grow up so fast...  They see other people their age having fun going to parties, etc. while they're home taking care of a kid.  Parenting is rewarding (or so I'm told), but you give up a lot when you have kids.  They are probably projecting that regret onto you and your decision to get married at a young age. FWIW, I think you're too young too...  I'd rather see a 19-year-old living with girlfriends, studying abroad, taking an internship in New York, etc.  Not practicing for marriage :(  I think you're giving up A LOT by living with a man at such a young age...
    Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

    I couldn't agree more.

    Even now, I'm finding things that I wish I would have done while I was in college (working at Disney the semester that my friends did) and I already have seen things that I'd probably do if I wasn't married. Don't get me wrong, I love being married already, but you do give up things to be married, and you give up even more to be a parent.
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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    Thanks for the support so far. :) I mean we may not get married at 22 and 21. It's the plan, but like I said, we aren't in any rush.

    I never looked at it that way with my friends with children. That really makes me want to make more of an effort to hang out with them at their home, with their kids, or babysit free for them sometimes.

    And...please no flames :) lol
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    alixzafirisalixzafiris member
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    Though now that I reread... you seeking validation of how mature you think you're being by doing this is, in fact, not a mature move at all... Now I'm on the fence with you.
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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    It's touchy because 19 year olds sometimes (often) aren't as mature and also so much changes from 19-22 (and beyond, I just cant speak from experience yet ;)).

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    JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:52c03405-4ad1-4625-afbb-5754e168d0e7">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE] I'm not sure what we would miss though really.
    Posted by sgervais88[/QUOTE]

    When I was in college, DH and I were doing the LDR. It gave me the ability to be able to do my own thing, find who I want to be and develop into the person I am now.

    This is something that you won't be able to do the same way as a married person or even as a person living with their FI.

    I mean really, when I was 19, I was still battling the curfew with my family, so I went off to college a year sooner than planned so I could do my own thing. Staying out late, last minute road trips with friends, learning to be financially independent, learning to be independent...all things that you're missing out on.

    I say staying out late because DH goes to bed early, so I try to be home before he has to go to sleep. Tonight I went to a funeral and when I got back he had just laid down. It made me sad that we didn't have time to see each other today.
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    ExpatPumpkinExpatPumpkin member
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    edited January 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:52c03405-4ad1-4625-afbb-5754e168d0e7">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Why is it a touchy subject though? Anyway, we felt it was a good time to get ready because we would have graduated by then, and would both have to move away for graduate school. Most of our families support us, except an aunt on his side and an uncle on mine. It's mainly our friends, but I think they just feel we would be "missing out" on being young and not married.<strong> I'm not sure what we would miss though really.
    </strong>Posted by sgervais88[/QUOTE]

    You're missing out because you're already living as a married couple.  Whether you have the license is inconsequential.  You share rent, a lease, grocery bills, etc.  As my grandmother would say, you're playing house...

    Imagine that you had the opportunity to study in Spain/England/France for a year.  Or got an amazing internship in X city...  Would you take the opportunity?  Perhaps you're the exception, but most girls who commit so young wouldn't seek out those life experiences.  That's what you're missing out on.
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    NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
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    I think waiting until you both have your bachelor's degree (and are 22/23) shows a level of maturity that's lacking in the "ZOMG we are 19 and our luv is realsies yo!  Who cares if we don't have a life plan, or a place to live, or a steady job.  Our loooooove will sustain us!!!111" girls that sometimes run up in here.  I can't fault you for that. 

    Do, however, understand that while it's definately romantic to marry the first guy you fell in love with, people change a great amount from high school to their mid 20's.  And it's fully possible that 2 years from now you'll find yourself engaged to a completely different man, or he to a completely different woman.  So just make sure that this time isn't just to finish your degree, but to finish finding yourselves and maturing into the adults you want to be.  Don't let your relationship mold you or feel like you have to become somebody that you're not comfortable with.  Use the engagement as a time to really evaluate your relationship and each other, and make sure you're on the same board with things like money, children, quality of life, etc.

    Gross, I feel like I'm channeling Oprah. 
    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    alixzafiris- I realize I asked if we the fact we were willing to wait makes us mature, but I'm not seeking validation. I'm just venting lol. I just keep having to say that to people who are against us it feels like. They tell us that we are too young and immature, and I tell them I know we are young that's why we are being mature and waiting.
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    NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
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    Expat, I don't know a single person who had the opportunity to do those things.  Remember that your, erm....social circle might have opportunities that others don't have.  So things that you think she might be missing, could very well be things that wouldn't happen anyways.  And if you constantly are worried about what you could be missing out on, you'll never be happy with what you've got in your life that's good.

    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    p.s. I asked in the other thread what part of SC you're from. I really want to know (if you're ok sharing)

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    ricksangricksang member
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    Hahaha I spelled it Touche' OMG. Anyway it is a touchy subject because some people feel life should be lived before one runs off and gets married. Since I have been in your situation, I tend to agree. BUT if you are mature enough to get married and it makes you happy, do what you want.

    I have to agree with Jess, even at 33, there are things I would love to do but can't since I am married now, which I would not change, but the thought is still there.
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    JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
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    I can guarantee you that you will be a different person than you are today in a few years. You may have the same principles and morals, but your personality and outlook will slowly evolve as you're developing into the person you want to be.

    I am a strong believer and supporter of people who take the time to develop themselves. I had a horribly difficult homelife as a teenager, but I was always able to keep myself grounded in my beliefs, in my morals, etc. But I will say that my views have changed on things, I've become much more open-minded, I've become secure with my personality, I've learned when to back off, when to step-up...things that I am still refining in myself, but things I had to learn by doing my own thing.

    When you're not married, you can be completely selfish and self-absorbed. It's expected of you. When you're married, you can't be that anymore. It's no longer me. It's us. When you're thinking for us, you can't further develop you.

    I think this is why so many young marriages end in divorce.

    And PS: I hope that you don't think that I'm flaming you. I just happen to have strong  feelings about the subject.
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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    ExpatPumpkin- We don't share bills or anything yet. I moved in with him and his family when I was in high school. Not because we "couldn't live without eachother" or anything dramatic like that lol. My family situation at home was not the best and his mom offered to let me move in. I share a room with his sister.
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    ricksangricksang member
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    edited January 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:85f61cd6-5afd-4080-8608-db1ac427d8a7">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : You're missing out because you're already living as a married couple.  Whether you have the license is inconsequential.  You share rent, a lease, grocery bills, etc.  As my grandmother would say, you're playing house... <strong>Imagine that you had the opportunity to study in Spain/England/France for a year.  Or got an amazing internship in X city...  Would you take the opportunity?</strong>  Perhaps you're the exception, but most girls who commit so young wouldn't seek out those life experiences.  That's what you're missing out on.
    Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

    A lot of people don't get these opportunities, so even if she was to not get married young she may never see Paris or get an internship in NY.
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    NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
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    Hell, I'm almost 30 and I'm still selfish, self-absorbed, and thinking only of further developing me.

    Marriage.  I'm doing it wrong.
    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    I don't feel flamed by anyone (someone mentioned it). I really am taking in what you all are saying for consideration. I guess the reason I got so frustrated is that his aunt who is unsupportive (which is fine-her opinion) tried to "scare" us out of being engaged by trying to convince us to elope this weekend. She said we would "if we really loved eachother" WTF?

    Oh, and I'm from Greer, SC nda_roxybabe
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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    Ricks- I was wondering what was up with the touche.

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    ExpatPumpkinExpatPumpkin member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:dbd4e32f-4148-4a18-9bde-398fce2fff8e">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE]ExpatPumpkin- We don't share bills or anything yet. I moved in with him and his family when I was in high school. Not because we "couldn't live without eachother" or anything dramatic like that lol. My family situation at home was not the best and his mom offered to let me move in. I share a room with his sister.
    Posted by sgervais88[/QUOTE]

    Well then, my analysis goes a little deeper and perhaps more personal...  It sounds like you haven't experienced any real freedom and independence yet.  Coming from a broken home and not having anyone else to fall back on might lead you to "hitch your wagon" to the first stable situation you come across. 

    I'm sorry that you've had a hard time, and I can actually empathize; just make sure that you're going into your marriage from a position of strength, not weakness.
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    alixzafirisalixzafiris member
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    Okie dokie then. Well honestly, you seem pretty level headded about the whole thing so I'd say just stick it out and if/when you're ready, do what feels right for the pair of you. I honestly don't think there's a "wrong" age to get married, if you are mature enough to think through everything and realize that yes, we're young, but we are determined to make it work and if we have to wait, so be it, then I'd say you're mature enough to be married - though I agree with the waiting until you're both done school.
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    JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:c4ad8d70-7568-4123-be40-945b26b42a01">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit! : A lot of people don't get these opportunities, so even if she was to not get married young she may never see Paris or get an internship in NY.
    Posted by ricksang[/QUOTE]

    I don't necessarily agree with this. I think that if you seek the opportunity, you can find it. True, not everyone gets to study abroad or do an intership in an amazing city, but you can still find opportunities that you may not be able to do when you're married.
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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    ooh! I went to school in Anderson!

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    ricksangricksang member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-didnt-love-age-limit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e143e5f9-52d2-4401-8770-dcc2d4027011Post:2afe2f01-823d-411e-abd0-25c19c50bee4">Re: RANT!! Didn't know love had an age-limit!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ricks- I was wondering what was up with the touche.
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    I can't spell. Seriously. It's a weak subject for me.
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    sgervais88sgervais88
    First Comment

    ExpatPumpkin - I was thinking about that the other night actually. I mean living with them has helped me become a better person. The life I was living before caused me to be pretty selfish and self-absorbed, and I felt like everyone owed me, if that makes sense. But his mom got me counseling (I don't have some mental disorder or anything, it was just to deal with my childhood), and that really helped a lot.

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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    nda_roxybabe - Really? What school? I went to Greer High.
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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    Its ok Ricks, I just thought I was missing something..

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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    Anderson University

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    ExpatPumpkinExpatPumpkin member
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    edited January 2010
    Rick and Nugget - Perhaps I'm jaded.  I received scholarships that helped pay for my studies in Europe.  Nearly all of it was paid for the first time, and about a quarter of it the second time...  I'll give you that being in a priviledged situation lead to those opportunities, however.  It does seem normal to me because almost all of my friends had those types of experiences.  Thanks for the heads up/reality check ;)
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    sgervais88sgervais88
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    edited January 2010
    nda_roxybabe - I know people who go there now. I go to North Greenville University now. Studying psychology to be...haha...a marriage and family counselor. I picked it after going to family counseling myself.
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    nda_roxybabenda_roxybabe member
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    Yea, I miss SC. I'm trying to convince T to move to Charleston. I knew several people from Greer when I went there (of course, its close..)

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