Plus Child issue- long post- advice needed!

kkozlo2 · March 2011

PS I posted this on the etiquette board but I thought I would post it here too to get some additional advice!

My Fiance and I have been engaged since December 23rd 2010. Our wedding is July 9th this year. We are running into an issue with the bestman/groom's brother and who he would like to bring to the wedding. Here is the background:
1) When we got engaged the brother was married. The wife was awful and he announced in May that they were going through a seperation. Since we live in MD they need to be seperated for a full year before officially divorcing.
2) He met a very nice girl in October and they have been seriously dating since. She has a 6 year old little girl who is wonderful and last week they decided to all move in together. (Yes- he is not officially divorced yet but we are happy that he is happy.)
3) So for his situation with 'bringing' someone to the wedding. Originally we thought he would bring his wife... clearly that is out of the picture and has been since they announced the seperation. Since he is the bestman and brother we are inviting him with his new girlfriend.
4) We told him we do not want children at the wedding unless they are immediate family so we were not going to invite his girlfriend's daughter. All was okay until yesterday...

He asked us if we would rethink our decision and allow the daughter to come. He treats her like a daughter and would really like her there... blah blah blah.

He is where I am stuck and not sure what to do:
We originally wanted no kids except those in the wedding (my 2 nieces and they will have a nanny available to take them away if need be) The only other kids there are my FI first cousins that are 8 and 10. We didn't want to invite them either BUT their parents were really upset at the last wedding and we didn't want to fight that battle. Now we are faced with another 'kid' situation and I am sure it will not be the last. How should I handle this? In all honesty, I don't want the daughter there... She isn't family (yet) and with our wedding coming closer the guest lists have been set and I don't want to have to think about another crying kid. The nanny thing really isn't an option because they are traveling 6 hours to get to the wedding and I am not adding another 2 people to the list. We are working on cutting our list by 20 as it is!!!
So what is the etiquetter here? Should I bite the bullet and just say yes? Do I have a right to be annoyed? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm not pro in this field but I would love some outside opionions to help me deal.

Thank you in advance

emierose · March 2011

Well, if you already have two other children there who are not in the wedding, then you should probably allow her to come. It's not like you are paying full price for a 6yo, what's a child's meal cost? Mine is $10.95.
If you were to make a line in the sand, it should have been at "in the wedding only", but you didn't, so you can't turn your back on her, or you might lose your FBIL from being in the wedding.
Plus, If they are traveling with her, what else what you expect them to do with her?
You could ask the nanny of the other two if she would be willing to babysit this 6yo when she becomes tired (if its an evening wedding), or offer to the best man to supply a babysitter, if he feels comfortable with it, so that he and his gf can enjoy themselves, and so her daughter can go back to the hotel and be supervised after dinner a little bit of dancing.
I think that would be a really nice offer, and that it would be selfish of you to say no to allowing her to attend when you are allowing cousins to attend. This girl is prospectively your future neice, and therefore can't really be left out.

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

If I answer this Im going to be whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa biiiiiiitch. Thats just a forewarnning for tomorrow

smclardy · March 2011

Im having the same issues already. 6 months to go. And the children cost around $20 dollars for chicken fingers and french fries at Ventosa! Which is ridiculous!

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

Suck it up and let her come.

The whole comment about "shes not family (yet)" pisses me off. You're not a part of your FIs family (yet). Should you be left out of functions in his family b/c of it?

And "another crying child"...??? She not 1...shes 6! Good chance she'll get out and dance and have fun just like everyone else.

This little girl could be your neice one day and I think its horrible the way youre acting toward her.

kkozlo2 · March 2011

First of all, who are you to be judging me... You have no idea the depth of the situation. I asked for advice but I didn't ask for someone to insult me and be rude.

I have met the child 3 times. They have been dating 5 months. He is still married to another woman! Things are moving a little quickly and it isn't the easiest to wrap your head around. I thought inviting the new girlfriend was being nice and I am just not sure about the child. Yes she may be my neice one day but she also might not be. 5 months is a small fraction of the 5 years I have spent investing in the family.

And with the crying child comment... I have been to weddings where a 5 or 6 year old is exhausted, doesn't want to leave, and has a tantrum... not once, but several times. Our ceremony starts at 4:30, cocktail at 6:30 and then goes until 1am. That is a lot for a child of any age.....

I appreciate everyone elses CONSTRUCTIVE comments and they are really helping me come to a decision and put this all in perspective. Unfortunately, I think there will always be people who look at a post and find it an opportunity to be rude!

sbolger17 · March 2011

I see why you're a bit shell-shocked; I would be too. But I think you should invite the daughter since you already have the other kids there that aren't in the WP. I think there will be hard feelings if you don't invite her. And I'm sorry if this makes me sound cynical or unsupportive, but your FBIL is moving quickly and there's a chance that this woman and her daughter could be out of his life by your wedding so you don't necessarily need to worry about it.

And with the rest of your guests, keep a hard line. No children except family members; FBIL's gf's child is a special case and I think others would realize that.

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

If you dont like my opinion then dont ask for it. You asked, I responded.

I was dating FI for 6 months when we started talking wedding and we've been together 3 yrs now. So the time length of their relationship means nothing.

And he's getting a divorce right? But has to wait a certain time period before being able too? So hes not stil married because he wants to be or is debating his feelings. Hes married because he has no other choice. You lost the ability to throw that in there. Sorry. Again. Dont like what I have to say....dont ask for the opinion.

kkozlo2 · March 2011

Well as you can see by the other posts... there IS a nice way to give an opinion. Others have made good points and haven't made themselves sound the way you have. When people ask advice... they don't need someone like you to belittle their thought process or come off as you put it earlier " whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa biiiiiiitch". And just as a side note, just because you warn someone... doesn't mean you have a right to be one!

DondadaTimes2 · March 2011

I have all right to be a biitch because this is an open forum. I didnt call you names or threaten you. Gave you my opinion.

I am who I am and I love who I am. I have friends who love who I am and a man who loves who I am. I certainly dont need your approval. I also read the E-board responses and you were told I didnt respond rudely. You just dont know how to take criticism. Now its time for you to move on.

kevinandmonica2011 · March 2011

Whoah whoah.... ladies ladies. Lol. Geez. Simmer down.

OP-
To be honest, I, personally, would have an issue with the new gf coming... that is where I would have drawn the line.
My next line in the sand would have been with children. period. ONLY exception being the WP.

You have already made exceptions to these "rules"...

It really leaves a bad taste in people's mouth when you make exceptions for certain guests and not others.
Same as having a "small, immediate family members only" reception... then inviting one cousin.... you will really end up pissing a lot of people off. (How come she got to bring her kids and I didn't).

Once you make an "exception" for one guest, you better be prepared to make that "exception" the norm or be ready to get the stink eye from all those not fitting into the "exception" category.

clneary · March 2011

I am having a similar issue, we wanted no kids at all at the reception and we have talked to the parents of the flower girl and ring bearer and they actually agreed and supported us and said it would be nice for them to have a night out and a babysitter take the kids after the ceremony. However, we have an issue with a family member who has two young children who are not at all well behaved, and although I have mentioned repeatedly it is an adult only reception, the daugher who is 7 keeps emailing me about the wedding and the dress she is getting...so I finally emailed the mom and tried to politely as possible (although it is akward bc's she is my FI's aunt) remind her no children will be there...but what I did and what you may want to reccomend, is suggest the daughter attend the ceremony and then maybe the first hour or two of the reception, and then have the babysitter take all of the kids once the dancing begins and it gets later. That way they can attend both and it is a compromise, they can come but they won't be there the entire time.

I understand how upset you are, this is a very sensitive subject and I feel strongly about not having children at our wedding. We made that decision early on and it is really hard to stick by when people are trying to force you to do other. I would try to find a happy medium and go from there, I hope this all works out for you, keep us updated!

Plus Child issue- long post- advice needed!

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