Last-minute wedding party change

blzfn7 · May 2011

We had a groomsman back out the other day, 5 weeks from the wedding. Our programs are already printed with his name in it. We are planning to replace him but the programs can't be re-done in the time we have before the wedding. What is the proper etiquette for addressing the change?

Beachy730 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:a7b2c803-c437-4657-95f1-40a74ea723ed">Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE]We had a groomsman back out the other day, 5 weeks from the wedding. Our programs are already printed with his name in it. We are planning to replace him but the programs can't be re-done in the time we have before the wedding. What is the proper etiquette for addressing the change?
Posted by blzfn7[/QUOTE]

<div>DO NOT REPLACE HIM! How would you feel if someone asked you to be in a wedding 5 weeks out, simply because their first choice backed out. Just leave your programs as is, NBD. </div>

SirJuliusVonHaast · May 2011

You definitely can't replace him at this point. Just leave his name in the program. It will be fine with uneven sides.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

Don't replace a groomsman.That's awful. How would you feel if someone called you up 5 weeks before a wedding and basically implied you weren't good or close enough to be a bridesmaid 10 months ago, but you are now because someone changed their mind, and oh, by the way, she needs you to buy a dress, get shoes, and possibly be expected to get in on throwing her a shower and bachelorette party. Again, good enough now, but not 10 months ago. Just... no. It's tacky and inconsiderate using people as props for your photos, and that's essentially what you're doing. Leave the programs. It's not that big a deal.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

Leave the programs alone.

Do not replace him. Outside of being rude, it would be incredibly hurtful to both the original GM and to the understudy.

thesequel · May 2011

Don't replace him. I wouldn't want to be the replacement, not 5 weeks out.

Have one of the other groomsmen escort two bridesmaids down the aisle if you are worried about one BM walking alone.

mica178 · May 2011

I don't think you should replace him. Many brides have uneven wedding parties. This groomsman was chosen by your husband for a reason. Leave his spot empty and keep his name in the program, so that he knows that he is important and not easily replaced.

CassieeK · May 2011

Please don't replace him. Nobody wants to feel like the second string.

cgielow · May 2011

I was in a wedding last summer where there were 7 in the bridal party and 3 groomsmen. We walked down two bridesmaids to a groomsman...it worked out fine. And the pictures turned out great even with different #s on each side.

mia082683 · May 2011

Why did he back out? Is it the kind of thing that he won't be coming to the wedding at all and you want to remove his name?

Also, I know that people say it's super rude to be asked to be a BM or GM after someone else, but I think it depends on your family/friends. I also think it's different if your a GM vs. a BM.

We had to replace a GM (he disappeared, moved away, changed his number, and never told anyone about 8 months ago... I called the police and they were able to tell me that he had moved but we can't even find him to figure out why/what happened). We wouldn't want him to be included on the programs or anywhere else because FI is so hurt that GM would do this to him. That being said, when FI asked his other friend to be a GM, both were happy. FI had wanted other GM all along, but couldn't have all of our best friends in our wedding party (as it would have been 25 people large)... GM was no insulted but honored and FI was excited to have someone stand beside him that he had wanted all along.

I know I'm setting myself up here by sharing this for lots of comments about how much of an etiquette faux pas this is, but I know my group of friends and I think because of the size of our group and the situation, people were very understanding.

KellyBrian2013 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:7d8a7987-01b2-4963-a004-2d470d7a5d59">Re: Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE]Why did he back out? Is it the kind of thing that he won't be coming to the wedding at all and you want to remove his name? Also, I know that people say it's super rude to be asked to be a BM or GM after someone else, but I think it depends on your family/friends. I also think it's different if your a GM vs. a BM. We had to replace a GM (he disappeared, moved away, changed his number, and never told anyone about 8 months ago... I called the police and they were able to tell me that he had moved but we can't even find him to figure out why/what happened). We wouldn't want him to be included on the programs or anywhere else because FI is so hurt that GM would do this to him. That being said, when FI asked his other friend to be a GM, both were happy. FI had wanted other GM all along, but couldn't have all of our best friends in our wedding party (as it would have been 25 people large)... GM was no insulted but honored and FI was excited to have someone stand beside him that he had wanted all along. I know I'm setting myself up here by sharing this for lots of comments about how much of an etiquette faux pas this is, <strong>but I know my group of friends and I think because of the size of our group and the situation, people were very understanding.
</strong>Posted by mia082683[/QUOTE]

Or they just weren't willing to tell you to your face how tacky and rude that was...

OP: please do NOT replace the GM.

mia082683 · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:0fdd90d6-03eb-46b2-9400-82f46fa3a4b5">Re: Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Last-minute wedding party change : Or they just weren't willing to tell you to your face how tacky and rude that was... OP: please do NOT replace the GM.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

Maybe you're right. But it happens pretty often around here and when we weren't the bride and groom, no one else had anything bad to say. I think it all depends on your group of friends and your reason and the way you approach it. At 5 weeks away, I wouldn't do it either.

The thing is, I don't think that OP was asking whether to replace him or not, but rather how to do it in the programs. If she's already asked another GM, she's made that decision and is asking a different question.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:7d8a7987-01b2-4963-a004-2d470d7a5d59">Re: Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE]Why did he back out? Is it the kind of thing that he won't be coming to the wedding at all and you want to remove his name? Also, I know that people say it's super rude to be asked to be a BM or GM after someone else, but I think it depends on your family/friends. I also think it's different if your a GM vs. a BM. We had to replace a GM (he disappeared, moved away, changed his number, and never told anyone about 8 months ago... I called the police and they were able to tell me that he had moved but we can't even find him to figure out why/what happened). We wouldn't want him to be included on the programs or anywhere else because FI is so hurt that GM would do this to him. That being said, when FI asked his other friend to be a GM, both were happy. FI had wanted other GM all along, but couldn't have all of our best friends in our wedding party (as it would have been 25 people large)... GM was no insulted but honored and FI was excited to have someone stand beside him that he had wanted all along. I know I'm setting myself up here by sharing this for lots of comments about how much of an etiquette faux pas this is, but I know my group of friends and I think because of the size of our group and the situation, people were very understanding.
Posted by mia082683[/QUOTE]

a. you didn't HAVE to replace a groomsman. You chose to do so

b. The missing GM didn't do anything TO your FH. That's kind of egocentric. I would imagine that if someone moved away, changed their number, and didn't tell anyone and you had to call the <em>police</em> to find him, there's probably something a lot bigger going on there. Maybe you should stop thinking of yourself as a victim and try to reach out to your friend. People don't disappear when things in their life are fine and dandy.

c. And just because your friends didn't tell you to your face that replacing a GM was tacky doesn't mean they weren't thinking it.

Granted, I don't think guys put as much emotion into this stuff as we girls do, but the message is still the same: you're a back-up, and I need you now because you're a second string GM.

mia082683 · May 2011

a. you didn't HAVE to replace a groomsman. You chose to do so Yes, you're right. Sorry if I misworded it. FI chose to do so.

b. The missing GM didn't do anything TO your FH. That's kind of egocentric. I would imagine that if someone moved away, changed their number, and didn't tell anyone and you had to call the police to find him, there's probably something a lot bigger going on there. Maybe you should stop thinking of yourself as a victim and try to reach out to your friend. People don't disappear when things in their life are fine and dandy. I agree. I am the only one concerned enough to call the police. I'm truly worried about his health and well-being. I'm not sure why none of his friends are concerned, but this is something bothers me tremendously, especially because it hurts FI so much to have one of his BFs disappear seemingly into thin air. I was convinced it was witness protection program but not everything adds up if that's the case. We may never know.

c. And just because your friends didn't tell you to your face that replacing a GM was tacky doesn't mean they weren't thinking it. Granted, I don't think guys put as much emotion into this stuff as we girls do, but the message is still the same: you're a back-up, and I need you now because you're a second string GM. I explained how inappropriate it was for FI to ask the new groomsman, but FI was sure it wouldn't be an issue and considering the way GM took it, it doesn't seem to be. Yes, true, he may have thought it was tacky (and if you knew the GM, you might actually consider the GM tacky as he does some hugely inappropriate things and tacky things). Sh*t happens.

Bottom line: I gave my opinion to the OP because she asked for it. I didn't ask for yours. I know it's not considered proper etiquette. I never said it was. I also hear that cash bars are a faux pas but I've never seen an open bar wedding before. Everyone has different ideas, different groups of friends, etc. Sometimes what you consider a faux pas is actually quite acceptable in a certain region/group/family, etc. Doesn't make it right by the etiquette books, but hey, we're all different.

brookelynpaisley · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:5e3a261b-da17-4a67-a882-8725e12eac87">Re: Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE]a. you didn't HAVE to replace a groomsman. You chose to do so Yes, you're right. Sorry if I misworded it. FI chose to do so. b. The missing GM didn't do anything TO your FH. That's kind of egocentric. I would imagine that if someone moved away, changed their number, and didn't tell anyone and you had to call the police to find him, there's probably something a lot bigger going on there. Maybe you should stop thinking of yourself as a victim and try to reach out to your friend. People don't disappear when things in their life are fine and dandy. I agree. I am the only one concerned enough to call the police. I'm truly worried about his health and well-being. I'm not sure why none of his friends are concerned, but this is something bothers me tremendously, especially because it hurts FI so much to have one of his BFs disappear seemingly into thin air. I was convinced it was witness protection program but not everything adds up if that's the case. We may never know. c. And just because your friends didn't tell you to your face that replacing a GM was tacky doesn't mean they weren't thinking it. Granted, I don't think guys put as much emotion into this stuff as we girls do, but the message is still the same: you're a back-up, and I need you now because you're a second string GM. I explained how inappropriate it was for FI to ask the new groomsman, but FI was sure it wouldn't be an issue and considering the way GM took it, it doesn't seem to be. Yes, true, he may have thought it was tacky (and if you knew the GM, you might actually consider the GM tacky as he does some hugely inappropriate things and tacky things). Sh*t happens. Bottom line: I gave my opinion to the OP because she asked for it. I didn't ask for yours. I know it's not considered proper etiquette. I never said it was. I also hear that cash bars are a faux pas but I've never seen an open bar wedding before. Everyone has different ideas, different groups of friends, etc. Sometimes what you consider a faux pas is actually quite acceptable in a certain region/group/family, etc. Doesn't make it right by the etiquette books, but hey, we're all different.
Posted by mia082683[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, you posted on a public message board. You can't stop me from sharing my opinion to your response. If you wanted to offer advice to the OP and only the OP, that's what PMs are for.

thesequel · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:d3479761-96bc-4e8a-9946-2eb9828a0525">Re: Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Last-minute wedding party change : Unfortunately, you posted on a public message board. You can't stop me from sharing my opinion to your response. If you wanted to offer advice to the OP and only the OP, that's what PMs are for.
Posted by brookelynpaisley[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed. Once you put it out into cyberspace - anyone can comment on it. It's the "risk" that you take when you put your story in relation to the OP.</div>

mia082683 · May 2011

You're right, and I completely agree. I wouldn't dream of stopping anyone from sharing their opinion. I was simply trying to point out that wasting a ton of posts on my situation (which is long since done and overwith) doesn't help the OP.

Beachy730 · May 2011

Mia- not that I'm saying by any means that your FI was right to replace him. But I also think there is a huge difference when someone is asked to be in the WP at 9 months out, as compared to 5 weeks out. At 5 weeks out I would probably assume i wasn't even good enough for second string, and was actually third string. There is no way that you can not look like your primary concern is aesthetics when asking a GM at 5 weeks.

mia082683 · May 2011

Beach - Totally agreed. I would not have tried to replace him if he disappeared 5 weeks before the wedding (and by "I would not," I mean, "I would have killed FI"

mkrupar · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_last-minute-wedding-party-change?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f89194ce-e600-4e57-8227-d332cd421f05Post:5e3a261b-da17-4a67-a882-8725e12eac87">Re: Last-minute wedding party change</a>:
[QUOTE] Bottom line: I gave my opinion to the OP because she asked for it. I didn't ask for yours. I know it's not considered proper etiquette. I never said it was. I also hear that cash bars are a faux pas but I've never seen an open bar wedding before. Everyone has different ideas, different groups of friends, etc. Sometimes what you consider a faux pas is actually quite acceptable in a certain region/group/family, etc. Doesn't make it right by the etiquette books, but hey, we're all different.
Posted by mia082683[/QUOTE]

Ok, but here's the problem with your opinion. (I'm really not trying to be snarky here). This is the etiquette board. We're here to steer girls through the ins and outs of what is and isn't correct when it comes to etiquette. Replacing a GM is in poor taste. That's why everyone is telling her not to do it.

I'm glad it all worked out for you and no one was offended. It's best though to try and remember that we're trying to help people and someone coming along reading your post could see all these "don't replace him posts" and read yours and say, "well she did it, it must be ok."

mia082683 · May 2011

mkrupar - I know that this is the etiquette board, but she already replaced her GM. She wasn't asking whether she should or shouldn't. Rather than tell her to go back on the replacement that she already made or make her feel like a-hole for doing it, I'd rather ask her to clarify what happened and help her NOT make anymore etiquette mistakes.

mkrupar · May 2011

But her OP says they're "planning on replacing him." That to me says they haven't done it yet. That means there's still time to help her realize that it's probably not the best plan 5 weeks out.

Last-minute wedding party change

Re: Last-minute wedding party change

Choose Another Board

Search Boards