Its normal to feel or want…
This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about their normal feelings:
Please feel free to add.
Its normal to feel guilty that you are having a second wedding
Its normal to feel scared to commit again
Its normal to have some doubts
Its normal to worry that your credibility is in question since you vowed "forever" once before (but it is important to know that your credibility is NOT actually in question, because things change)
Its normal to question whether or not you should take his name
Its normal to worry about what others think
Its normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry
Its normal to WANT to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams
Its normal to want all the cheesey things first brides get:)
Its normal to be more scared of moving in and combining your belongings than it is to get married
Its normal to put up walls
It's normal NOT to have the support of every family member
It's normal to want to "connect" with other 2nd timers
It's normal to "test" him ... again and again
It's normal to think at first - we don't deserve certain things
It's normal to cry/be upset when reminded of the first failure
It's normal to keep putting things off (that guilt thing again)
It's normal to have issues when kids are involved
It's normal to feel like you have the letter " D " on your forehead
YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it! *
Its normal to have heightened anxiety
Its normal to overanalyze every single comment he makes, about you, your kids, your future, your wedding...looking for the cue that its going to fall apart.
Its normal to partition off (is that what you meant by walls, Sassee?) those parts of you that were hurt the worst in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him.
Its normal to be MamaBear where your kids are concerned, and to be surprised when you feel those MamaBear feelings about HIS kids, or when he becomes PaPa Bear with yours.
Its normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop
Its normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again
Its normal to have just learned the definition of healthy (no matter how old you are)
Its normal to need to go to therapy
Its normal to be a control freak
Its normal to not be good at asking for help (Pealie, these last two are for us)
Its normal for you to feel like you have to keep your excitement a secret
Its normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time.
Its normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there.
Its normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event.
It is normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness.
It is normal to be pleasantly surprised when FI does not act/respond like DH did.
It is normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends have not had one yet.
It is normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it is 'appropriate' enough but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else!
It is normal to not have something (garter, bouquet toss, etc)for your second wedding just because you had it for your first.
It is normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention since you now have FI.
It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time!
It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are!
It's NORMAL to worry what his family specifically thinks of you, your kids, your parenting style, whatever.
It's NORMAL to have a few bumps in the road with the stepkids.
It's NORMAL to wonder who's going to compile this into one list and repost it so we can all print it out and post it somewhere prominent. LOL!
It's NORMAL to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family. It’s NORMAL for things you hated in your past marriage to bother you now. You just have to explain to FI why.
Re: It's Normal
Thanks Donna, that's a GREAT reminder to all of the new brides-to-be on the board!
Married at 20, divorced at 22. Remarrying at 26.
I struggle so hardcore with the name change too. I resented ExLastName sooooo much. Thinking about going the four-name approach: First Middle Maiden Married. Not sure though.
[QUOTE]It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are!
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
OMG, I have found a new home! THANK YOU for writing everything I am feeling today!!!!!
<worship />
Thank you.
<em>*THIS*</em> should be tattooed on the right palm of every bride-to-be. Way to go @<span class="username_knot">Generic Live!!
As an outsider looking in at this board, I just wanted to say that I wouldn't spend a minute of my time worrying about someone else's choices for a second wedding. In fact, I was at one recently where my sister leaned over to me and said something about the bride having been married before. And I hadn't known this. And I didn't care even a little bit. I just thought she had been wise and appropriately frugal to try to rein in some of the nuttier things I see going on at other weddings! It actually all made sense when I learned of the backstory, and I was impressed.
I like this board because you guys have actual experience--that's valuable to me. Although i'm a first-timer, I'm in my mid-40s (I can't locate an older brides board, which surprises me). And your lives are more like mine than a lot of the youngstahs' are.
</span><a href="http://community.theknot.com/cs/ks/user/default.aspx?membershipid=9981217417065311&plckUserId=9981217417065311" target="_blank" class="username_knot"> </a>
Thanks GenericLive... we're going into this as encore's as well... my 3rd, his 2nd - and even with the feeling of "vindication" from the annulment process (which is horrible I might add!) but even with that 'stamp of approval' I still face all of the planning woes and question the appropriateness of this and of that. My FI wants it all... the church has a 100ft aisle - I don't want to walk all the way down that aisle - I am self conscious enough being a bride as is! I'm traditionally Baptist, he's Catholic - as excited as I am to marry my best bud - I'm anxious/nervous about telling them - that they will look down on me - some still call me by my former married name and we've been separated/divorced for close to 6 years. It's the Catholic/Baptist and the 3rd time around double whammy for me. But he wants it all - it's our first time marrying each other in front of God and family and friends. Dress, flowers, reception, cake, 1st dance... ugh. I'm ok with all that if that's what he wants - but having a really hard time getting over a few things. My first ceremony was gorgeous, the total fairy tale - marriage - not so much. Married at 20, babies at late 21 and late 22, he left us at late 23 - the day before our youngest's 1st birthday... 2nd marriage was a simple dress, headpiece flowers, and a small Baptist chapel with just the children and my parents/grandmother... that was it 4 guests and us because I didn't feel it was appropriate - that was a train wreck - come to find out in the annulment process I wasn't his 2nd, but his 4th
So it's been a long 'road of recovery' especially when the annulment dredged everything back up - and now I am afraid to tell my church family. I shouldn't be afraid... is it because I'm wrong in marrying again? because I'm wrong marrying a Catholic? I don't think so, I've spent a whole lot of time in prayer about him, asking that the Lord just take him out of my life if he's not the right one... and he's still here, after all I've put him through, he's still here, after all of the tests, he's still here after everything... But it's hard to get the "just a simple wedding suit would be fine" "are you really going to have a wedding & a reception - again?" "oh, you're not registering for gifts - are you??" out of your head...
So here are my affirmations: (I'm printing them out and sticking them on my bathroom mirror)
Yes, I am marrying my best friend for life and I am excited to start this new chapter with him!
Yes, I am having a wedding. A beautiful, not over the top, church wedding and reception to CELEBRATE US!
Yes, I am wearing a dress - that looks great on me and that will melt his heart and walking down that 100 ft aisle to him! And I'm not wearing some suit!
Yes, it is normal to feel all these other weird things, but that's the past and it's done - I'm moving on to the next chapter in my life and if people choose to not support the union, that is on them. God is supporting the union - and with HIM, all things are possible.
Yes, we have things to prepare for other than all the broo-haa-ha of a wedding - we have a lifetime to prepare for - and I am looking forward to the pre-Cana and dredging through it - together.
YES, we're going to register for gifts - not pots and pans, but things we want/need as established adults. We may do a honeyfund, register at Home Depot for new carpet, home improvements, landscaping... things that will make our combined home truly ours as we put it together the way we want it!
And Finally - YES! I am getting married!! AND I AM EXCITED!!! Let the life & party planning commence!!!
Thanks again Generic - I needed all the "It's Normal" posts, but yours really struck a chord with me this morning... I may even go ahead and change that Facebook status from "In a relationship" to "Engaged"!!
Congratulations & Best Wishes to all you Encore brides out there - we have the experience to get it right this time!
This is my first day here and I'm so happy to have found this post! I'm a second-timer (his first) and I felt it wouldn't be fair to him to just elope when he's never had a wedding. I was married at 20, divorced at 21 and remarrying at 26. I struggle everyday with most things on this list, and have already heard whispered remarks about my having a second wedding. Needless to say, that hurts, but it's great to hear "it's normal." I'm definitely feeling better and and printing this!!!
"When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever."
Thank you for posting this... I needed to read this!
We are both 2nd timers. I was married at 19, divorced at 26, remarrying at 27.5; he was married at 18, divorced at 20; remarrying at 26. Unlike my first marriage... this time it feels right.
Planning Bio: Updated 09.13.11
Pregnancy Bio: Updated 09.13.11
Semper Fi Creations: Updated 09.13.11
Thanks for putting this together!!! I'll definitely be printing it and putting it somewhere.
[QUOTE]Its normal to feel or want… This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about their normal feelings: Please feel free to add. Its normal to feel guilty that you are having a second wedding Its normal to feel scared to commit again Its normal to have some doubts Its normal to worry that your credibility is in question since you vowed "forever" once before (but it is important to know that your credibility is NOT actually in question, because things change) Its normal to question whether or not you should take his name Its normal to worry about what others think Its normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry Its normal to WANT to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams Its normal to want all the cheesey things first brides get:) Its normal to be more scared of moving in and combining your belongings than it is to get married Its normal to put up walls It's normal NOT to have the support of every family member It's normal to want to "connect" with other 2nd timers It's normal to "test" him ... again and again It's normal to think at first - we don't deserve certain things It's normal to cry/be upset when reminded of the first failure It's normal to keep putting things off (that guilt thing again) It's normal to have issues when kids are involved It's normal to feel like you have the letter " D " on your forehead YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it! * Its normal to have heightened anxiety Its normal to overanalyze every single comment he makes, about you, your kids, your future, your wedding...looking for the cue that its going to fall apart. Its normal to partition off (is that what you meant by walls, Sassee?) those parts of you that were hurt the worst in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him. Its normal to be MamaBear where your kids are concerned, and to be surprised when you feel those MamaBear feelings about HIS kids, or when he becomes PaPa Bear with yours. Its normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop Its normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again Its normal to have just learned the definition of healthy (no matter how old you are) Its normal to need to go to therapy Its normal to be a control freak Its normal to not be good at asking for help (Pealie, these last two are for us) Its normal for you to feel like you have to keep your excitement a secret Its normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time. Its normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there. Its normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event. It is normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness. It is normal to be pleasantly surprised when FI does not act/respond like DH did. It is normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends have not had one yet. It is normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it is 'appropriate' enough but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else! It is normal to not have something (garter, bouquet toss, etc)for your second wedding just because you had it for your first. It is normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention since you now have FI. It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time! It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are! It's NORMAL to worry what his family specifically thinks of you, your kids, your parenting style, whatever. It's NORMAL to have a few bumps in the road with the stepkids. It's NORMAL to wonder who's going to compile this into one list and repost it so we can all print it out and post it somewhere prominent. LOL! It's NORMAL to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family. It’s NORMAL for things you hated in your past marriage to bother you now. You just have to explain to FI why.
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]
We are blessed to have a good relationship with the Ex ( We have joint custody of our wonderful 2 year old) but I still feel guilty even though all parties involved are happy.
Our families are supportive and happy for us but friends, who really have only known Ex and I together, don't really understand. I know that shouldn't matter but it's still hard and it feels like I can't really share or enjoy this engagement with anyone but my fiance and as crazy at it seems my Ex who is still a close friend to both FI and I.
Plus it feels odd inviting people from my first wedding to my second because it was only five years ago
So thank you to everyone who contributed to it!