Etiquette different?

i2012do · June 2012

I know this board isn't that active I am just hoping to get some insight.
I recently had my bridal shower. My mom invited 50 people, including 5 of my fiance's family that are LDS but live near by (NY, PA, DE)...
none came. Of the 50 people invited, 45 poeple gave gifts.
The only 5 people that didn't were fiance's family.
I only had 35 people attend so 10 other people that didn't sent gifts. I don't really care if they do or not. but my mom is super insulted. Is it not popular to send a gift to someones shower if you are LDS and don't attned. I thought it was just common courtesy.

Also, I have sent out my invites. My reply date isnt until July. However. I have gotten almost all the replies from my family and none of fiances family that lives in utah. My mom siad maybe they don't use reply cards?! or know that they have to send them back if they aren't attending?
Because we were invited to 3 lds weddings and they never had reply cards.

KJeffs · June 2012

I do not know about the gift part because I haven't had my shower yet, but I do know that almost no one RSVP's here. I invited 200 people, but by my RSVP date I was still missing 120...I had to call all of those people. I hated it.
I think a lot of weddings here are more like an openhouse, people just come and go...so no one thinks to send back the RSVP cards.

i2012do · June 2012

but they are self addressed stamped envelopes! So it seems insane that no one would send it back. That seems really close minded to not be open to the way other people celebrate things and follow their guidelines

i'm sorry that you have to call so many people. that is really annoying!

alishaloo · June 2012

I live in utah and always have.I grew up in a strong LDS Family- and I am now having a non LDS wedding and let me tell you they are supper different.
My parents think that since I am not getitng married in the LDS temple I need to get married in an LDS church and since you can't in there chapel they want me to get married in the GYM- due to money issues my reception will be held here but not the ceremony- this is how MOST lds weddings are you get invited and you can show up when you feel and leave when you feel most people just serve cake and then have a meal before for the family- its ... and LDS thing. I'm not sure why. PArt of it is we are taught to be moderate and not lavish. If you look at alot of LDS wedding dresses they are plain and so are the weddings- plain and simple. I find it very weird that they are not sending back the RSVP or letting you know in some way but it could be the LDS culture- beacuse this is how LDS weddings are here. I know my fieances strong LDS family thinks my "Lavish" ideas and the fact that I am dishing out 3,000 *yeah thats my "huge"* budget is outragous! so... who knows! I am sorry that you have had to call but don't get to hung up on it. ITs not a huge deal if those few people don't come- I've had to remind myself that as in utah there are SO many weddings people blow alot of them off if its not your best friend or closests family you don't really go- its lame I know... part of this is beacuse weddings out here are borring! Its like a church get together- all you do is eat - there is no party!

i2012do · June 2012

wow. thats really interesting
i mean i know from being around his family that it seems that people don't make a big deal about weddings or acknowledge it- which is very different than the culture i grew up in.

But I attended an lds wedding last year. I think compared to lds weddings tis was pretty "lavish" beacuse they actually had food (and when I say "food" i mean like chicken skewers and pasta salad and rolls) and she wore glittery shoes and they had these huge 10x20 foot photos of themselves all over the yard at this really over the top house in california. But again, that was cali not utah so maybe its different there.

Fiances family pretty much Made it known that they wouldnt come to our wedding sicne its far away- and they didn't need inites. But I felt it was improper not to send an invitiation to aunts and uncles, it seemed very classless, so I sent them anyway.

Things are done much differently here and most people in my area spend an average for $40,000 to get married- I also live in an expensive state. But still, you have a cocktail hour, full sit down meal, a dj, flowers, a caterer, a big wedding cake and then some kind of brunch the next day. I mean that is hwo everyone does it here- its the standard- just like having cake and punch in utah is pretty standard- so I felt like they should have at least had an open mind that other people do things differently, as I had been open minded at the wedding last year, when I ate chicken from a stick....

You are right- I won't get hung up on it. I just wish I didn't waste all that money and on postage and invites for them not to even acknowledge our wedding- just because I am not LDS. That doesn't seem like the right thing to do in ANY religion.

i2012do · June 2012

also someone sent us a shovel as a gift from Utah!?!!?This is so weird, we live in a building with landscapers and a maintance crew- we don't need a shovel.....
This is how littler they wanted to get to know me or where we live or anything about us.

kristin183 · June 2012

I had my wedding in Utah because my husband's family is from SLC and I grew up in Wyoming, so it was close for both our families and a majority of our guests. I am not LDS but we did have family and guests who were. They all RSVP'd.

kjohnson1201 · July 2012

It may be a little close minded to assume people aren't RSVPing because they are LDS, maybe they are just rude, or maybe they are not coming. Also no it's not expected that you send a gift just because you send an invitation. That's a little focused on the wrong thing in my opinion. It's about the people not the gift.
I also don't think people aren't open to others ideas and how they do things. My wedding is weird because I will have a 15 month engagement, and we will spend more than most. I don't think it's fair to say all utahans have small weddings. I think they are more common but we're not like a seperate country with our own customs or just plain rude and you should maybe consider not judging on religion.

i2012do · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_utah_etiquette-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:109Discussion:67177f86-ea96-433c-a7b6-8510dd638abbPost:982a3415-87e5-437f-8266-593e6f879dbd">Re: Etiquette different?</a>:
[QUOTE]It may be a little close minded to assume people aren't RSVPing because they are LDS, maybe they are just rude, or maybe they are not coming. Also no it's not expected that you send a gift just because you send an invitation. That's a little focused on the wrong thing in my opinion. It's about the people not the gift. I also don't think people aren't open to others ideas and how they do things. My wedding is weird because I will have a 15 month engagement, and we will spend more than most. I don't think it's fair to say all utahans have small weddings. I think they are more common but we're not like a seperate country with our own customs or just plain rude and you should maybe consider not judging on religion.
Posted by kjohnson1201[/QUOTE]

I really don't think I was being rude or judgemental. I was just saying that I don't think that they are typically used to having a large wedding or a sit down meal and if it's something you are unfamiliar with, perhaps you are not sure what is the traditional protocal...

I'm not sure why your wedding is "weird" because you are having a 15 month engagement or spending more than most. Consideriny that where I am from the average length of an enagement is 15-20 months and most people spend around $25,000-55,000 on average in this area. We will be engaged for 26 months and have spent $40,000 when we are completed with the wedding.

It's typically rude to receive an invitiation to an event for a family member or close friend and not send a long a gift, or even a card if you are unable to find a gift. That's proper etiquette--in all parts of the country. I found it astounding that I did not receive a gift for my shower from my FGMIL or so much as a card. SO this is WHY i was asking if that's typically NOT seen as rude for some odd reason to a particular religion. Perhaps there is a REASON they do not send a gift....That was my question.

I am very open to many religions and all people. I am world traveled and have met people from all walks of life. I am the first person to stand up for soemone that is "different" or that others "see as strange"
also, my family often makes comments about tose "poor people" in utah with "bad education" and I KNOW tis is wrong. I correct them and stand up for them all the time.
I am not sure where the stereotype comes from, especailyl from those living so far away that have never been there- but I do my best to correct people almost weekly that think that Mormons have tons of wives, live poorly and are close-minded-- I do my part...so I don't appreciate your feedback.

i2012do · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_utah_etiquette-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:109Discussion:67177f86-ea96-433c-a7b6-8510dd638abbPost:982a3415-87e5-437f-8266-593e6f879dbd">Re: Etiquette different?</a>:
[QUOTE]It may be a little close minded to assume people aren't RSVPing because they are LDS, maybe they are just rude, or maybe they are not coming. Also no it's not expected that you send a gift just because you send an invitation. That's a little focused on the wrong thing in my opinion. It's about the people not the gift. I also don't think people aren't open to others ideas and how they do things. My wedding is weird because I will have a 15 month engagement, and we will spend more than most. I don't think it's fair to say all utahans have small weddings. I think they are more common but we're not like a seperate country with our own customs or just plain rude and you should maybe consider not judging on religion.
Posted by kjohnson1201[/QUOTE]

Also I am confused you said-- "maybe they are NOT coming?" So why wouldn't they rsvp

My rsvp card says: Joyfully Accept
Regrettfully decline

You are supposed to send back an RSVP of NO. It's a self addressed stamped envelope

KJeffs · July 2012

My wedding was last Saturday, and out of the 148 people I was able to get a-hold of and who RSVPD yes I don't think even half of them came.
So that is about 3,000 $ worth off food that got thrown away...Why say yes if you are not going to come??
So if you are planing a Utah wedding, I would plan on Not as many people coming as say they will be there

i2012do · July 2012

Wow !! I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I wonder why they woulnd't change their rsvp. I hope you were able to at least donate the food, or wrap some and give it to family members.

Our wedding is Not in utah- I don't know if i communicated that wel enough in the original post- it is in Rhode Island

KJeffs · July 2012

They wouldn't let us take any of the food it just all got thrown away. I do think it has a lot to do with the way things are in Utah so I think you will be fine.
Good luck I hope your wedding is amazing

alishaloo · July 2012

ITs true some LDS weddings are very lavish. its just a little bit different beacuse the wedding ceremony is in the temple and even those who can go in the temple is a limited number I believe less then 30. So the wedding part is just the reception - this is also why they have more food- food is a huge mormon LDS thing there is always food! They can spend more on this type of stuff beacuse the cermoney venue/ aka the temple is free.
So they might not RSVP beacuse they think you already know and might just not want to ship a gift- a card would be all I expect of someone who can't travel that far.

ginadog · July 2012

I did not read all the replies, but LDS or not, a shower invitation does not equal having to send a gift. Just like a wedding gift, it's not obligatory.

The one LDS shower I have been to was like a 2 hour open house and did not ask for RSVP, so maybe they are not used to RVSPing. Non LDS showers are usually more structured events with eating, socializing and gift opening times.

The 5 people that did not attend, were they also part of the 10 who did not give gifts? Do you know them in person?

Were all 50 people invited to the shower also invited to the wedding as well?

i2012do · July 2012

Oh course everyone that was invited to the shower was invited to the wedding!!!

Sorry it was like this:
50 people invited
35 attened
10 sent gifts
5 did not- all LDS, all fiance's family
and yes, i know the people it was my fiance's grandmother and four aunts

So the lds people/people from utah were the only ones NOT to send a gift. 10 other people that DID NOT attend sent something.... because that is proper etiquette....

It's just odd that no one is acknowledging the wedding
or sending back and RSVP.

I have never heard of not sending back and RSVP envelope to the bride and groom witha response to attend the wedding or not.
I can not just ASSUME people aren't coming... I assumed fiances best friend wasn't coming and we got his rsvp yesterday that he is indeed coming.
We are having a sit down dinner with a full caterer. We can not just PLAN that these random people will show up.

I would assume they could send back a self addressed stamped envelope.
It is not the brides job to "assume" or be a mind-reader

i2012do · July 2012

sorry i don't meant o come off "b!tchy!" at all, I just don';t understand how people can be so rude as to not respond to a formal wedding invite- it like confuses me and makes me angry. I don't mean to take the anger out on everyone else.

ginadog · July 2012

No you are right, there is a proper wedding etiquette but Utah has its own thing despite that.

alishaloo · July 2012

IT wasn't bitchy. it shocked you... Most people in utah don't understand how different it is even just in another state. I've traveled alot as a child so I had a fairrly good idea, - of so I thought-
as an adult I just spent a week in NY and I realised I have no clue how diverse things really are and how sheltered utah is
its super different!

i2012do · July 2012

The thing about NY is funny. When I took my fiance to new york the first time I tought he was going to have an anxiety attack He kept looking up at all the buildings-- and was like in aw. and in awe of the people as well. and he is world traveled, been to japan, europe etc.
Now he is more adjusted to the way "things are done" in other states and has a better idea of what is proper etiquette.
IE you don't send somoene a shovel in july...for no reason at all and they don't need it.

Sanine · July 2012

I'd say its more the culture. I married last October in Utah and the caterer I had actually told me not to rely on RSVP cards at all. That people would show up when they wanted to and that I should guesstimate how many guests would be coming. I will tell you growing up in Utah 20 years and going to my friends "weddings" (I say it in quotations because it was actually just a reception I'm not LDS and couldn't attend the temple part) I didn't RSVP. I never knew how annoying that could be.

I still did RSVP cards and ended up either calling or emailing those that didn't respond. Thankfully it was only 15 that didn't respond, but out of the 75 people that told me they would come, about 45 came. No call or notification that they wouldn't come.

Even though you know etiquette not everyone knows or follows it anymore. Things are definitely done different in Utah. It's it own culture and I really would take the "don't send us an invite we aren't coming" as their RSVP.

edit: better grammar

pearlaqua · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_utah_etiquette-different?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:109Discussion:67177f86-ea96-433c-a7b6-8510dd638abbPost:b3b9781c-c9df-447c-929a-db236696ecd9">Re: Etiquette different?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh course everyone that was invited to the shower was invited to the wedding!!! Sorry it was like this: 50 people invited 35 attened 10 sent gifts 5 did not- all LDS, all fiance's family and yes, i know the people it was my fiance's grandmother and four aunts So the lds people/people from utah were the only ones NOT to send a gift. <strong>10 other people that DID NOT attend sent something.... because that is proper etiquette....</strong> It's just odd that no one is acknowledging the wedding or sending back and RSVP. I have never heard of not sending back and RSVP envelope to the bride and groom witha response to attend the wedding or not. I can not just ASSUME people aren't coming... I assumed fiances best friend wasn't coming and we got his rsvp yesterday that he is indeed coming. We are having a sit down dinner with a full caterer. We can not just PLAN that these random people will show up. I would assume they could send back a self addressed stamped envelope. It is not the brides job to "assume" or be a mind-reader
Posted by i2012do[/QUOTE]

Nope! It isn't against etiquette to not send a gift to a shower invite you don't attend.

It is an invitation to a shower, not a summons.

Brina105 · September 2012

its rude to not send a gift to something you are invited to. Its the proper way to do things is to send one.
I also didn't get any gifts from anyone of my fiance's family that lives in utah. Soi guess there must be some kind of gravational pull around the state that doesn't allow wedding gifts to be sent out. Even from those that attended our wedding and sat and ate the $150 pp food, they didn't so much as give us a nice hallmark card with a nice sentiment inside--and no gift.

danielleper03 · October 2012

I would say that while the "sheltered" nature of Utah might have some part to play, it's untimately the people that are being strange, not the culture/religion. The shovel was very strange..... haha I'm not sure what all that was about? Plenty of people here RSVP and plenty don't. Some people don't even know what RSPV is. So, don't let it knock you too much. They probably got busy, didn't know, or as stated above, considered their comment about not needing an invite because they weren't coming their RSVP. And I wouldn't send a gift if I didn't attend the shower. Gifts shouldn't be expected but rather appreciated when they do come. And perhaps they are saving a gift for the actual wedding, not a shower.

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