Uncertain RSVP Etiquette

elizabethriley · October 2012

Short version: Is it more rude to accept a wedding invitation a month out and possibly have to cancel our plans to go, or to initially RSVP no and then ask the couple if we can attend when we finalize our travel plans?

We live in GA, and the wedding is on a holiday weekend in my FI's hometown in PA. We only travel there once a year, and would only have the couple days we are there for him to see his friends that still live there. The couple are his friends, and all the others he'd like to see will be attending; he does not think declining and just not attending even if we do end up in town is an option. The wedding is a month away (day after Thanksgiving), and we would very much like to go.

The only problem is that I've been unemployed for a few months, and I'm looking to take any job I can get right now. I was hoping to find a seasonal retail job to earn some money now, which would likely mean working Black Friday and my FI and I staying home for the holiday this year. I don't have any interviews lined up, so I don't even know how realistic this possibility is. I'd really appreciate some advice!

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uncertain-rsvp-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43ec96ac-675b-435e-847e-fbd5ee987418Post:f63a3dbc-d85c-4715-ba9a-33163264eada">Uncertain RSVP Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Short version: Is it more rude to accept a wedding invitation a month out and possibly have to cancel our plans to go, or to initially RSVP no and then ask the couple if we can attend when we finalize our travel plans? We live in GA, and the wedding is on a holiday weekend in my FI's hometown in PA. We only travel there once a year, and would only have the couple days we are there for him to see his friends that still live there. The couple are his friends, and all the others he'd like to see will be attending; he does not think declining and just not attending even if we do end up in town is an option. The wedding is a month away (day after Thanksgiving), and we would very much like to go. The only problem is that I've been unemployed for a few months, and I'm looking to take any job I can get right now. I was hoping to find a seasonal retail job to earn some money now, which would likely mean working Black Friday and my FI and I staying home for the holiday this year. I don't have any interviews lined up, so I don't even know how realistic this possibility is. I'd really appreciate some advice!
Posted by elizabethriley[/QUOTE]

I think the only way you can RSVP "yes" and then cancel, is if you cancel at LEAST 2 weeks in advance. Most caterers require a final headcount 1-2 weeks in advance. Anything after that, and the couple is paying for your plates.

Which may happen anyway. You may be better off telling the couple the truth. That's you'd very much like to come, but the job situation is iffy. You could always decline now and then if you end up being able to go, you can call them the week before the wedding and see if they have had any cancellations.

I think the most important thing is to be honest with the couple. I would have MUCH rather had someone decline and call me and ask if there was space later, then RSVP yes and not show up. I paid for about 20 extra people that did not show up to the wedding without an explanation. That honest would go a long way with me.

wrigleyville · October 2012

This just happened to me, as we still aren't sure if we can make it to FI's cousin's wedding and the due date is coming up. He called her to ask about her thoughts on the situation, and she told him, "I'm sure we'll get quite a few last-minute declines and no-shows, so just give us a call if you can make it, and we'll find room for you."

As a bride, I'd much rather have someone decline and then call later than say yes and not show up.

Ash61612 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uncertain-rsvp-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43ec96ac-675b-435e-847e-fbd5ee987418Post:2acba16f-e811-4105-8981-79bb33358557">Re: Uncertain RSVP Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Uncertain RSVP Etiquette : I think the only way you can RSVP "yes" and then cancel, is if you cancel at LEAST 2 weeks in advance. Most caterers require a final headcount 1-2 weeks in advance. Anything after that, and the couple is paying for your plates. Which may happen anyway. You may be better off telling the couple the truth. That's you'd very much like to come, but the job situation is iffy. You could always decline now and then if you end up being able to go, you can call them the week before the wedding and see if they have had any cancellations. I think the most important thing is to be honest with the couple. I would have MUCH rather had someone decline and call me and ask if there was space later, then RSVP yes and not show up. <strong> I paid for about 20 extra people that did not show up to the wedding without an explanation. That honest would go a long way with me.
</strong>Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

agree with this 110%. We had about 15 people RSVP yes who didn't show up. I would have much rathe them be up front and honest with us.

KellyBrian2013 · October 2012

Definitely talk to the bride and/or groom. We knew that our venue would make about 3% more meals than the number we gave them, so the people who were unsure that they would make we told to RSVP no and, if they could ultimately make it, we knew that we would have meals to accomodate them.

Also, many venues allow brides and grooms to ADD meals after the "final" count is due, but they absolutely will not allow them to remove meals. So, it is very possible that, at a week out, the bride/groom could call and say "we have two more coming" and the venue will just tack on two meals/seats/etc.

elizabethriley · October 2012

Thanks for the advice! I asked my FI to talk to them last week, but he said it made him uncomfortable. I'll try explaining in terms of them losing money if we RSVP yes and don't show-hopefully that will make sense to him! I would talk to them myself, but I've only met them once, and I would probably have to track them down through facebook or something, which seems awkward to me. I think he also feels weird because the RSVP is due today, but we just received the invitation because he forgot to tell them we moved and mail forwarding takes forever here. Since I've never planned a wedding, I really have no experience on how this would affect the couple so I appreciate the perspective!

QueerFemme · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uncertain-rsvp-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:43ec96ac-675b-435e-847e-fbd5ee987418Post:90b062e8-06bb-4d51-93a4-b8333683e105">Re: Uncertain RSVP Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice! I asked my FI to talk to them last week, but he said it made him uncomfortable. I'll try explaining in terms of them losing money if we RSVP yes and don't show-hopefully that will make sense to him! I would talk to them myself, but I've only met them once, and I would probably have to track them down through facebook or something, which seems awkward to me. I think he also feels weird because the RSVP is due today, but we just received the invitation because he forgot to tell them we moved and mail forwarding takes forever here. Since I've never planned a wedding, I really have no experience on how this would affect the couple so I appreciate the perspective!
Posted by elizabethriley[/QUOTE]

Well, depending on the type of wedding... the average catering bill can be anywhere from $15 per person (if they are having a casual barbecue style food with no open bar) up to $200.00+ per person. It is incredibly rude to RSVP yes and not show up.

So, your FI needs to suck it up and be honest with his friends about what is going on.

itzMS · October 2012

I find it pretty strange that they are having a wedding on Thanksgiving weekend! So many people have other things to attend to. Anyways, back to your question.

Absolutely have your FI call. I was so grateful to guests who called me to explain their situation(s) so I didn't have to assume or track them down. The no-shows are one of the worst parts of the wedding day!

Calypso1977 · October 2012

id definitely call.

we had a couple of pregnant ladies on our guest list - they were both due right around our wedding. i talked to the restaurant and they said include them in the count, we wont charge for them.

lindsayscottc · October 2012

I think just reaching out to explain to the couple is the right way to go. They'll tell you when they need an absolute "final-final" number, and figure out how to handle you guys accordingly. Just my experience... my RSVP deadline was 10/1, and there are a significant number of people who *still* haven't RSVPed (and granted, the deadline was somewhat arbitrary, and I knew people would be late... but they don't necessarily know that). There are a few people who are still legitimately trying to figure out if they can make it (e.g. one is expecting to finish a trial right at the same time - which can be super unpredictable - and has to fly pretty far to get to the wedding site), but some just haven't even bothered to reach out - which I think is a bit rude. So, long-winded way of saying that I think they'll appreciate it if you reach out and explain the situation, rather than RSVPing "yes" and then withdrawing it later. Same net effect, but more considerate.

thurmanpowell · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uncertain-rsvp-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:43ec96ac-675b-435e-847e-fbd5ee987418Post:f1913b50-a781-4afd-98cb-0a987a3160ba">Re: Uncertain RSVP Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I find it pretty strange that they are having a wedding on Thanksgiving weekend!</strong> So many people have other things to attend to. Anyways, back to your question. Absolutely have your FI call. I was so grateful to guests who called me to explain their situation(s) so I didn't have to assume or track them down. The no-shows are one of the worst parts of the wedding day!
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

Ours is the weekend before christmas. The thought process was that people would likely be home already for the holiday.

elizabethriley · October 2012

Just wanted to update that my FI called his friends and they just want us to let them know the week before the wedding what our plans are. Thanks for the advice to mention that they could potentially lose money if we RSVP'd and didn't end up going, it's what got him to realize it was important to let them know (FI is definitely a financial-minded numbers guy)!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2012

Honestly, just decline. It's kind of crappy to string them along and either give a "maybe" RSVP or change your RSVP at the last minute.

Maybe you can see them the day after if they host a breakfast or something, but at this point, it doesn't look probable. That's life.

DramaGeek · October 2012

we have to do this for every single event we're invited to because H gets his schedule on Thursday for Sun-Sat. Asking for it off doesn't even guarantee that he'll get it. In fact, he put in for Thurs of last week through Mon of this week off and ended up being scheduled to work Mon, even though his boss knew we were across the country!

Anyway, what I always do is send the RSVP as a "maybe" with a note explaining that we really want to be there but that it depends on H's schedule, so put us down for a no and we'll let them know as we get closer if plans change. Then if he gets the day off, I call/email as soon as I know and ask if there's any way they can accomodate us. Since most caterers don't care if you add - and even those that do count on a few extra guests - it's never been a problem.

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