FMIL making appts w/vendors w/out me!

vaporsender · June 2011

removed by poster

kmmssg · June 2011

You have an FI problem far more than a FMIL problem. This is one issue where he should be setting boundaries with her and he is not. This is a huge red flag. He doesn't want to deal with her so he is letting you down.

Get this figured out now before you are married and before you have kids because this woman wont' change if her son doesn't demand it.

If he won't tell her, then you need to let her know that you and FI have final say and if she signs any contracts she will be out some $$$$.

zitiqueen · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-making-appts-wvendors-wout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:177ed1bb-aec7-4346-8dca-dced167f7ce0Post:b2c6aabf-b70f-4805-b888-04a6b1322fa8">FMIL making appts w/vendors w/out me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I just got engaged on May 30th. I have almost everything planned already (been planning off and on for years). Right after finding out about our engagement, my FMIL started sending my FI emails of places that she liked for the ceremony and receptions. He forwarded them to me yesterday, and I found out today that in one of them she states that she made an appointment with a caterer at a hotel that she liked, where she is going to check out the hotel and have samplings of the food to see if we (herself included) would like it. She made it for a day that she know I have to work and can't make it. My FI too. I was so mad! First of all, we barely get along because my FMIL is a pushy, opinionated person. She means well, but offends people often. Second, she didn't even ask either of us what we were looking for in a hotel or caterer. I have a special diet for medical reasons, and so the food is a big deal to me! I have already chosen the caterer I want. The few ideas I have told her have been met with criticism. My FI is sided with her. He says it's a free country and she can do whatever she wants so long as she doesn't sign any contracts. But what's to stop her? I suggested to my FI that he ask her to check with us first about these things, or she not go at all. But he doesn't understand why he should interfere with her going behind our backs to check out places and vendors. He thinks that it's wonderful that she is taking the initiative to look at these places, even though he knows that I have been planning for a long time, and that aside from a few details, I'm done. I told my FI that it would be different if she were accepting of our plans, and ask us before going off on her own. But she made her own plans, and then sent my FI an email about her appointment. I was the last to know, because I was the last to get the forwarded email. So now, my FI and I are fighting. Am I wrong to want to know in advance before she plans a meeting/sampling with a possible vendor or venue? Am I wrong for wanting my FI to talk to her?
Posted by vaporsender[/QUOTE]

FutureJilliannD · June 2011

Two things. First, you definately have a FI problem. He is not supporting you in this and that is a huge red flag. I suggest the two of you get on the same page on what you want for the wedding, and that he support those plans when his mother starts trying to take over.

Second, who is paying? If your FMIL is paying, then she is going to have a huge say in the wedding. Also, if she signs contracts, she is going to be on the hook for that money.

MairePoppy · June 2011

ditto kmmssg.

Don't marry mama's boy until you've had some relationship counseling. Otherwise, he's going to allow her to run your lives.
Good luck.

ADTonk · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-making-appts-wvendors-wout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:177ed1bb-aec7-4346-8dca-dced167f7ce0Post:89257c74-da8d-4b26-98e4-85fb543be5c3">Re: FMIL making appts w/vendors w/out me!</a>:
[QUOTE]You have an FI problem far more than a FMIL problem. This is one issue where he should be setting boundaries with her and he is not. This is a huge red flag. He doesn't want to deal with her so he is letting you down. Get this figured out now before you are married and before you have kids because this woman wont' change if her son doesn't demand it. If he won't tell her, then you need to let her know that you and FI have final say and if she signs any contracts she will be out some $$$$.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This.

Andplusalso, who is paying for this wedding?

StephieBow · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-making-appts-wvendors-wout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:177ed1bb-aec7-4346-8dca-dced167f7ce0Post:89257c74-da8d-4b26-98e4-85fb543be5c3">Re: FMIL making appts w/vendors w/out me!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>You have an FI problem far more than a FMIL problem.</strong> This is one issue where he should be setting boundaries with her and he is not. This is a huge red flag. He doesn't want to deal with her so he is letting you down. Get this figured out now before you are married and before you have kids because this woman wont' change if her son doesn't demand it. If he won't tell her, then you need to let her know that you and FI have final say and if she signs any contracts she will be out some $$$$.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Agreed. You have every right to be upset with your fiance. He should have your back and should be telling his mom to back off.

Same question though as one of the PPs, who is paying for the wedding?

Muffin'sMom · June 2011

She can look all she wants. She can sign contracts and pay. You don't have to use any of it...UNLESS she is paying. Were it me, I'd go without rather than allow her to runover me that way.

The second part is the bigger problem. If he allows her to end run around you now, it will not change after you are married. People act the way they do because they have been allowed to get away with it. Your fiance is allowing the behavior to continue. Right now it's just venues and caterers. How will you feel when it is your children.

You are going to be married to this FAMILY for a long time. He needs to get on your side now, or you will be having this fight until she goes to her great reward.

vicki0508 · June 2011

Maybe she's just trying to help you be a good host, and stop you from having a tiered reception.

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_pull-off-two-receptions-same-day

ADTonk · June 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_fmil-making-appts-wvendors-wout?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:177ed1bb-aec7-4346-8dca-dced167f7ce0Post:34b2f389-ec98-4ca6-9e34-66e04b41e7a3">Re: FMIL making appts w/vendors w/out me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she's just trying to help you be a good host, and stop you from having a tiered reception. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_pull-off-two-receptions-same-day" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_pull-off-two-receptions-same-day</a>
Posted by vicki0508[/QUOTE]

Oh wow. What Vicki said. One wedding + one reception.

If FMIL is paying, there's nothing you can really do except decline her money and pay for it yourself. It sounds harsh, but it's true.

Amynutrition · June 2011

Am I wrong for wanting my FI to talk to her? -- NO!!!

If he is a momma's boy you really need to evaluate if this is what you want to deal with for the rest of your life. At least the rest of his Mom's life.

Is FMIL going to name your future children too? Decide where you two live? What home you buy? The color of your towels? Where does it end??

Tell your FI you want him to be a man and stand up for YOU, his Mom can plan her own wedding. Say it makes you very un-horny when he is momma's boy.

FutureJilliannD · June 2011

I would also like to add that, even if your FMIL is paying for the wedding, it is very rude of her to not even involve you in the planning. It is your wedding after all, and you definately should have some say. I would be annoyed with her, but you should be more upset at your FI for not sticking up for you.

Kate61487 · June 2011

you and FI need to get on the same page about this ASAP.

From your post it sounds like you're pretty well in the right here, BUT - reading between the lines it sounds like you've planned an entire wedding without consulting your FI at all. That might be why he's not supporting you in this. Maybe he doesn't like what you've done, and is hoping his mom will find something you both like. have you talked to him at ALL about what HE wants in a wedding?

You've only been engaged 7 days and you have the whole thing planned, I'm guessing your FI wasn't consulted on any of the decisions you've made. This is supposed to be about the two of you; it's not supposed to be the day YOU planned with "fill in the groom here"

vaporsender · June 2011

Thank you all. I know what I need to do.

vicki0508 · June 2011

You were quoted. Deleting makes you look like a baby. Which is weird, because most people were pretty darn nice.

You also shouldn't delete because someone else could be going through a similar situation, and instead of starting a new thread they could've just read yours and read the responses.

FMIL making appts w/vendors w/out me!

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