MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.

jesstevens214 · December 2009

My only sister is my MOH. I've picked out 4 different dresses for all of the bridesmaids to choose from (all the same color and fabric). My mom and my sister think that she shouldn't have to wear a dress b/c "it's not her". My sister doesn't ever wear dresses, she more of the super tomboy type. I told her that I want her to wear the dress for pictures and the ceremony and then she can change into something more comfortable for her at the reception. I even offered to help pay for her dress. Is it just me or she being unreasonable for this only request (the other bridesmaids are handling the showers, parties, and everything else)? Please give me some feedback! I'm torn between what I want (it is MY wedding) and being a sister.

mbcdefg · December 2009

If she never, EVER wears dresses (especially if it's because of her gender identitiy or her sexuality), then I think you should respect that. Let her wear a nice ,feminine black suit, and a blouse in the color of your BM dresses; or see if you can get a pantsuit in your wedding color (either in a store or custom-made). Go shopping with her and see what looks nice.

If you think she's just being difficult and wants to start an argument, then I would just sit down with her and talk to her and ask if you can reach a compromise. Maybe she can wear a longer dress instead of a short one, or something with sleeves or a jacket, or something that's not too body-hugging. Offering to let her change into pants for the reception is also a fair compromise, like you offered to her already.

Yes, it's your wedding. And, yes, the bridesmaids' only real "job" is to get the dress and be in the wedding, so it's not an unreasonable request. And I think you'd pretty much be within your rights to say, "If you don't want to wear what I'd like, then maybe you'd be more comfortable doing a reading or just being a guest so that you can wear whatever you want, no hard feelings."

Still, if she's truly uncomfortable being in a dress, then it's not really fair to force her to wear one (or kick her out of the wedding if she refuses) if you *KNOW* that it's going to upset her. Is an article of clothing really worth a fight? Will your photos, wedding or marriage be ruined if she's wearing pants? I would hate to leave my sister out of my wedding over a DRESS. An outfit lasts one day, a relationship lasts a lifetime.

The bridesmaids are not required to throw showers or parties for you, so it's not like she's shirking her "duties." The other girls are throwing parties for you because they WANT to, not because they HAVE to. This has nothing to do with your argument, so don't use it against her. "You should wear what I tell you to because you're not helping to throw a party for me" is not a good way to treat your friends.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

It's your wedding, but it's her body. Why not agree on a nice pantsuit that coordinates with your colors? The fact that your mother is on her side and she never ever wears dresses leads me to believe that she's not refusing just to mess with you. You don't get to change people's identities just because it is your wedding, and it doesn't sound like she's going to budge. Which is more important to you? Having everyone in a dress or having your sister with you?

It's nice that your friends threw you showers and stuff. What does that have to do with this?

emilyinchile · December 2009

General advice first: you say you picked dresses - are the other girls ok with the styles and price? You may have already talked to them individually about budget/had them try the dresses on, but if not I'd suggest doing that before you're 100% set on the dresses. Also, "showers, parties and everything else" are totally optionally things that your BMs can choose to do but are not required to do, so your sister's not somehow getting off easy by not participating in those. BMs are there to stand up with you on the day and generally be your friends like normal, not to help you plan or run errands.

Back to the dress issue: even though she's your sister I think that when you accept as a BM, you're basically agreeing to buy and wear a dress. I don't think she or your mom should be shocked by this. I would try to sit down with your sister - without your mom - and explain to her that this is something that means a lot to you and can she please suck it up for one hour. You could open up the dress options to anything she chooses within a certain color, so she feels as comfortable as possible. Hopefully if it's a one-on-one conversation, you guys can work it out without your mom backing her up and making it harder for you.

If there is absolutely no way she's wearing a dress, maybe you could buy the same fabric as the dresses and have her get a pantsuit made. Would that work? You technically could say that if she doesn't get the dress, she's choosing not to be a BM, but since this is your sister rather than a friend I think that would be far more of a headache than it's worth. Good luck!

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Your pictures are going to look better with a happy MOH in a dressy pantsuit than with a miserable MOH in a matching dress. My stepdad doesn't like wearing tuxes, and in all of my sister's wedding pictures, he looks like he's next in line for a prostate exam. Stage Manager (if she's around somewhere) had a couple of her attendants in a matching pantsuit, and it looked great.

Leah is absolutely right: it's your wedding, but it's her body. You certainly can pull the bridezilla card and force her into the dress, but you have to understand that she will probably deeply, deeply resent you for the entire wedding process and far beyond. Is this fight really worth potentially alienating your sister for life?

lyndausvi · December 2009

If she nevers wears a dress than I think you are being unreasonable. If she is uncomfortable in the dress it WILL reflect in your pretty pictures. Thus not making pretty anymore.

I can't for the life of me figure out why you need a picture of your sister in a dress so bad that you want to make her uncomfortable?

jccswl · December 2009

I posted here a while back asking for ideas for my MOH (also my sis and she doesn't wear dresses) for pant ideas and received great feedback with alternative outfits for her. She wore white slacks from Ann Taylor and a blouse that matched our colors, she looked absolutely beautiful and more important, she was comfortable.

SarahPLiz · December 2009

jccswi is here as proof, so listen to her.

I would think that its more important that your MOH, who is supposed to be your closest friend, is comfortable that it is for her to wear the same thing as the other BMs. In most circles, the MOH wears something different anyway, so maybe this is her different thing. SHe will look fine in the pictures.

As long as she's not wanting to show up nude, I think compromise is in order. Some people, including me, are uncomfortable in dresses. That's just the way they are. Let her be comfortable, as long as she fits in with the formality of your ceremony (meaning no holey jeans at a formal affair.. dress slacks are fine).

A farfetched idea that just popped into my head is that maybe she is really uncomfortable standing up in front of people, period, no matter what she is wearing. In that case, maybe she is baiting you to use the bridezilla card and kick her out so she doesnt' have to be up there. I know that Im grasping at straws here, but in very passive agressive families that I know, this could happen.

banana468 · December 2009

Why not talk to her and ask her what clothing would make her comfortable? As long as she's dressed for the formality of the event, who cares if it's a dress?

jesstevens214 · December 2009

This really helps. I'll see if the company that does the dresses will do a pant suit. Thanks.

gottahavashorti · December 2009

Find out what she'd be comfortable in. Dress pants and a blouse, a pantsuit in a matching or coordinating color (this may be easier to find in a MOB line if the designer you chose has one), maybe even leggings under a dress if your wedding is on the more casual side. If the BM line has separates that will work with pants, maybe she can buy one of their tops and wear it with dress pants.

megk8oz · December 2009

I know Stage Manager has bio-pics of girls in the BP in coordinating outfits with pants.

While I know if it were me, I'd suck it up and don the dress for my sister ... but that would also be because my mom would have a coniption if myself or one of my sisters started giving the other one crap about what they have to wear in the wedding (Case in point, sisters are currently refusing to try on their dresses to see if they need alterations because they "feel fat" ... my mom is apparently planning on kidnapping them at some point this weekend and dragging their butts to a seamstress).

While I think you actually are being pretty reasonable, if it's really going to create this much of an issue, maybe you'd all be happier if you started exploring pant options.

If you give her this and she still is giving you crap, then I'd really say she's removing herself from the BP at that point, because really the only thing BP are required to do is get attire and show up.

lyndausvi · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:efe22ba0-907a-4bfa-b336-d78602c989b8">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE]This really helps. I'll see if the company that does the dresses will do a pant suit. Thanks.
Posted by jesstevens214[/QUOTE]

I'm glad you are looking at it in a different perspective.

Other thing to consider is if she NEVER wears a dress she will be getting so much attention from your family.

"Ok look Suzy is in a dress?

Oh you look so pretty"

"wow, never thought I would see Suzy in a dress", etc.

People will go overboard telling her how good she looks. I'm sure that would be really unwanted attention for her. I know it would be for me.

And to those who said they would suck it up. I think that is easy to say from us who wear dresses, even if they are not often. For someone who never wears a dress it would be totally uncomfortable.

rainedrop6 · December 2009

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also don't think you'd be acting unreasonable if you said, I'm sorry, but this is the WP attire. In fact, I think you're already being really considerate to offer a compromise, especially one that allows her to wear what she wants for the majority of the evening. When someone accepts the invitation to be in the WP, they are agreeing to wear what the bride has chosen. If you're comfortable with your MOH wearing a pants suit then great, I'd let her but if not, then she needs to wear the dress. This really is your choice and you would not be wrong to decline the pants suit if it's not what you wanted.

megk8oz · December 2009

Like I said earlier I would suck it up for my sisters if they wanted me to wear something I didn't want to wear.

But not because I'm that good of a sister. Because I'm that afraid of my mother's wrath.

I saw somebody said something about those BM separates dresses. I think if you can't find a pant suit option, maybe wearing one of those tops with a really nice pair of pants would also be a good option.

CTGirl30 · December 2009

I look at this along the same lines as someone who never wears makeup, for example. Would I make them wear it on my wedding day so they would blend in even though it might be something they are absolutely uncomfortable with and never do for any other occasion? No, I wouldn't push the issue. I'd rather have my BM wear no makeup and feel comfortable (i.e. happy) than make her do it and have her be miserable the whole time.

Sounds like your sister has vocalized her absolute loathing of having to wear a dress - even for a few hours during the wedding. I'm glad you're willing to look into the compromise of a pantsuit and other alternatives that will still allow her to meet the formality that the other attendants will be dressing for but also be something that she can wear without being absolutely miserable in. For some people, it might be "It's just a dress!" but if it's something she NEVER does (like some people never wear makeup...or high heels...or jewelry, for example (allergies / personal prefernce / comfort factor) then I'd just try my best to help them feel good while participating in the wedding.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

If you can't get a pantsuit or separates from the designer, see if you can order maybe 3-4 yards of matching fabric from them (it will probably be a lot more expensive than buying the fabric elsewhere, but it will be an exact match) and have a seamstress make her something in a similar style that she'd be more comfortable wearing.

You know, on Indy they had us in these culottes that I had always thought were skirts, until I had to wear a pair and discovered that they were pants. I'll see if I can dig up a picture... But if you look for culottes or a divided skirt, it might be a nice compromise between your look and her comfort.

banana468 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:fb5e07da-496e-444b-b679-7be67048d9cd">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE] When someone accepts the invitation to be in the WP, they are agreeing to wear what the bride has chosen. If you're comfortable with your MOH wearing a pants suit then great, I'd let her but if not, then she needs to wear the dress. This really is your choice and you would not be wrong to decline the pants suit if it's not what you wanted.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

I really have to disagree with this rain.

Yes, the bride should get final SAY on attire but that doesn't mean that she should get to choose the attire.

This is particularly the case when the BMs are buying the attire but it applies all the time.

Yes, when you're a BM or MOH, you want to wear the right clothing that works with the bride and groom's vision for the wedding.

However as a bride, are you being a good friend by mandating that your dearest friends wear clothing? As a good friend, is it being nice to your friends to force them out of their comfort zone for their day? I don' t know about you but my good friends don't treat me that way. They make sure that when they ask me to wear something that I'm comfortable with the item on my body and how it affects my wallet. That's IMO the least any bride and friend can do.

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Found it!

That didn't scale up very well, but you can also see the picture here: http://tinypic.com/m/6nxpxg/2 Except for the couple of girls wearing the shorts, all of the girls are wearing the divided skirt. And I can tell you from years of hopping over boxes and climbing in and out of boats in that thing, it wears just like pants.

lyndausvi · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:fb5e07da-496e-444b-b679-7be67048d9cd">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also don't think you'd be acting unreasonable if you said, I'm sorry, but this is the WP attire. In fact, I think you're already being really considerate to offer a compromise, especially one that allows her to wear what she wants for the majority of the evening. When someone accepts the invitation to be in the WP, they are agreeing to wear what the bride has chosen. If you're comfortable with your MOH wearing a pants suit then great, I'd let her but if not, then she needs to wear the dress. This really is your choice and you would not be wrong to decline the pants suit if it's not what you wanted.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Seriously?? What kind of friend are you?

Would you make a highly religious BM wear and dress with her boobs and ass popping out because that is what you picked out?

I would hope not. I feel the same way about this MOH. If the sister wore dresses in the past I would push this issue a little. But that is not the case here.

megk8oz · December 2009

Which, I'd also like to follow up on the statement I made about my mom.

If your mother is taking her side on the issue, then I'd honor her wishes at this point. I mean, while I can't relate, clearly, she's extremely miserable at the thought of a dress if she's coming to your mom on the matter for back-up.

I guess the closest thing I could come up with for myself would be if my sisters picked out something bright red to wear. I never wear red voluntarily. It looks awful on me (I have very pale skin, it tends to wash me out even more, and even if my skin is "clear", somehow my skin looks extremely broken out). I once had to wear a red outfit (We're talking fire-engine red) for a dance recital. It was probably the most miserable performance of my entire life. I was so self-conscious about how bad I looked, that it actually brought down my actual performance. While I made no mistakes, I looked like a wilted flower just "going through the motions".

If your BMs are miserable, trust me, it will reflect in the photographs (Anybody that doesn't believe me can feel free to check out the "Bridezillas" photo gallery on the WeTv website, you can actually see how much these girls hate the brides in most of the photos).

While the bride gets the final say on the attire, she should (As a good friend/sister) try to pick something that will make her BMs feel their best.

OP, I commened you on trying to look into pants options. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that whatever you decide on both you and your sister are sastified with the end results.

blackfire5th · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:fb5e07da-496e-444b-b679-7be67048d9cd">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also don't think you'd be acting unreasonable if you said, I'm sorry, but this is the WP attire. In fact, I think you're already being really considerate to offer a compromise, especially one that allows her to wear what she wants for the majority of the evening. When someone accepts the invitation to be in the WP, they are agreeing to wear what the bride has chosen. If you're comfortable with your MOH wearing a pants suit then great, I'd let her but if not, then she needs to wear the dress. This really is your choice and you would not be wrong to decline the pants suit if it's not what you wanted.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

So Raine, are you saying that if one of your bm (one of your closest friends) was uncomfortable in a dress that you would rather have them step down than wear a pants suit?

Your quote sounds very bridezilla-ish. Would you be happy that you destroyed some friendships in order to get your perfect pretty princess day?

emilyinchile · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:fb5e07da-496e-444b-b679-7be67048d9cd">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I also don't think you'd be acting unreasonable if you said, I'm sorry, but this is the WP attire. In fact, I think you're already being really considerate to offer a compromise, especially one that allows her to wear what she wants for the majority of the evening. When someone accepts the invitation to be in the WP, they are agreeing to wear what the bride has chosen. If you're comfortable with your MOH wearing a pants suit then great, I'd let her but if not, then she needs to wear the dress. This really is your choice and you would not be wrong to decline the pants suit if it's not what you wanted.
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Honestly, part of me feels like this (that OP is being accomodating by offering several dress options and changing out of the dress after pictures) because I don't know anyone who never ever wears dresses. If any of my BMs bitched about the dress, it would be just because they didn't personally love the style, and that in my view is just tough. You agree to be a BM, that means you agree to wear a dress that I choose. I support having BMs try things on and give their input, but at the end of the day if it's not totally outrageous and is within their budget, it's the bride's choice.

BUT I'm only saying that because it's hard for me to conceptualize being so horribly uncomfortable in a dress. I can understand religious reasons or the gender/sexuality issues a PP mentioned, but outside of concrete reasons, it would be hard for me to understand. If it's OP's sister, however, I'm guessing she understands, and if that's the case then it's pretty much a big "eff you" to insist that she wear the dress.

rainedrop6 · December 2009

I don't think you can always accommodate everyone, all the time. If you try to, you might make yourself crazy. You have to draw the line somewhere. What's next! What if it wasn't the MOH, what if it was just a regular BM so now she stands out instead of your MOH and MOH is pissed? What if all but 1 BM refuses to wear a dress? What if someone hates the color? I DESPISE the color yellow. Not only do I never wear yellow, I don't even own ANYTHING yellow but if my friend chose a yellow BM dress I'd be wearing yellow and I wouldn't act like a jackass about it or be miserable. What about a groomsman who NEVER wears suits or tuxes (which may be really common)? Or someone who ONLY wears sneakers? Would you not have any flowers at the wedding because a GM is allergic? Would you change you mode of transportation because you wanted a Mercedes and your Best Man is anti-foreign cars? Where does it end because I could go on and on?

As everyone has stated REPEATEDLY on this board that the only duties of the wedding party is to wear the requested attire and show up. So I don't think it's unreasonable to want someone to actually wear the dress you picked out.

If OP wants her MOH in the dress for the ceremony, then I feel the MOH needs to be in the dress for the ceremony. Especially since she is willing to compromise for the rest of the night. If she' s ok with MOH wearing a pant suit then fine, it's STILL her choice.

lyndausvi · December 2009

If this person is close enough to you to be a MOH, then in theory you should know her thoughts on dressing wearing. If you've NEVER seen her in a dress, I do get why you would think she would want to now? Why would it even enter your mind?

Do you think any of Ellen Degeneres' friends would ask her to be an MOH and then require her to wear a dress? Of course not. Her friends KNOW her. I'm sure the idea would never even cross her mind.

(I'm not implying the OP's sister is gay. Just giving an example of someone who does not wear dresses)

mbcdefg · December 2009

I don't think that the discussion here is that the OP is wrong to want her sister to wear a dress. Several people, myself included, said that she is not unreasonable for wanting the sister to wear a dress.

The issues here seem to be:

1. What is the sister's reasoning for not wanting to wear a dress? If it's for a religious or cultural reason, or because the sister's gender or sexuality makes her uncomfortable in something as feminine as a dress, then quite honestly it'd be cruel for the OP to say, "Tough, wear a dress or you're out."

2. Assuming that the sister's only issue with the dress is that she just prefers not to wear dresses (like, as you said, some people prefer sneakers over dress shoes; or American cars over foreign cars), then it's the OP's call as to whether or not to accommodate her wish for pants or to suggest that she drop out of the wedding (and it's a moot point because OP has said that she's going to look into pants). Most people agreed on that.

What a lot of people are pointing out, though, is that the OP may not find it worth it to exclude her sister from the wedding party SIMPLY over wearing a dress. Just because she CAN boot her for not wearing the dress (because, like you said, one of the BMs' obligations is to "buy and wear the dress") doesn't really mean that it's the right thing to do.

megk8oz · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:a28f5a6a-3fd7-4281-9f99-c7d255e8070b">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE]What about a groomsman who NEVER wears suits or tuxes (which may be really common)? Or someone who ONLY wears sneakers? Would you not have any flowers at the wedding because a GM is allergic? Would you change you mode of transportation because you wanted a Mercedes and your Best Man is anti-foreign cars? Where does it end because I could go on and on?
Posted by rainedrop6[/QUOTE]

Are you seriously posing these questions?

To anybody not used to what Rain has to say around here, please note, any advice she dispenses should be taken with a very large grain of salt. Nobody that actually exercises common sense on this board agrees with 90% of what she has to say.

lyndausvi · December 2009

I think it's pretty sexist to think woman HAVE to wear a dresses at all.

pristinedemon · December 2009

On the one hand, it's not like you're asking your sister to jump through a ring of fire for you. You're asking her to wear a dress. My sister NEVER EVER wears dresses. Seriously. I think she was 2 or 3 the last time she wore one. But, she's wearing one for the wedding. Not because I'm a bridezilla and I forced her to, but because it's just not that big a deal. She had no problem with it. It's one of the very few things you really have to do as a bridesmaid - show up, wear the damn dress.

On the other hand, if she is THAT uncomfortable in a dress, it's not cool to force her to wear one. It's one thing if she has some serious body issues or whatever, but IMO it's quite another if she just doesn't like wearing dresses. If you think she'll be so uncomfortable she's itching to get out of the dress all day, then do the pantsuit idea. It's just not an issue worth fighting about.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-doesnt-want-wear-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:cf43aacb-7827-48bc-a227-369fe4f6082aPost:e3577abe-41e7-4a3c-9bb3-a5ba31097178">Re: MOH doesn't want to wear a dress.</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's pretty sexist to think woman HAVE to wear a dresses at all.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This. Or the presumption that she must be a lesbian if she has such an issue with them.

Julia O'Brien · December 2009

There are a lot of replies to this, so I didn't read them all... maybe the first four or five. So I'm sorry if I'm being repatitive etc. etc.

If I was your maid of honour I would suck it up for one day. What's the big deal? It's just clothing...
But I'm not, and everyone is different. At the end of the day it's not worth the argument. Focus on the reson for the day, and this issue will melt away.

By the way, why does sexuality preference dictate what someone would wear? I think someone was implying up there that a lesbian would only wear pants? did i miss something here?

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