What would you do? (Long, pollish)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

My friend and her boyfriend have been together about 3 months less than FI and I have been together (we celebrated 2 years in July, they celebrated 2 years in October).

They just moved in together in September. He was not happy about it, even though they moved into one of his uncle's buildings and they got a great discount on the rent. She also transfered her job to be closer to where he wanted to live. He was mad that she was "making" him move out of his parents' house. Now, his parents have a kickass house. His mom doesn't work, but they have a full time housekeeper and gardener, so she bakes all the time. Friend's boyfriend has lived on his own before, in college and right after, but then moved home to "save money" while working on a business idea. This was about 3-4 years ago. His parents don't make him pay rent. He's 29. He works for his uncle part time.

So after about 4 months, and insisting on a month-to-month lease, they decided to look for another apartment, closer to their friends/his parents. Which has now come to my friend looking for a new apartment for herself and he boyfriend moving back into his parents' house. Oh, and she was sick all week and he spent most of his time at his parents' house. He spends at least 1 night a week there, even now.

I know he sounds like a jerk, but he's actually a nice, smart guy. This is also his longest relationship ever.

If, at 29, he's still living with mom and dad, with no desire to leave, and can't live with a girlfriend, I'm sort of thinking she might want to cut her losses, even though I like him.

What do you think? Can a relationship take a step backwards like that?

CN: Friend moved in with her 29-year-old boyfriend who was mad she was "making him" move out of his parents' house. He's now moving back home and she's getting her own place. Predictions on how this will end?

sarah0725 · December 2009

Yeah, I'd cut my losses on this one. How can she ever marry him if he's always going to want to live with his parents? At some point, the time comes to shite or get off the pot.

redheadfsu · December 2009

Yep, (even if he is a nice guy) I would tell her to leave him. How can they move forward? Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is in the "build a life together" mode.

TeresaLovesDave · December 2009

IMO, that's not one step backwards -- it's ten. And while there are valid reasons for living at home, a housekeeper and baked goods don't fall into that category.

ootmother2 · December 2009

Does the boyfriend have a good job record? Responsible in other matters? Any reason he would be gunshy?

My first thought is that a 29 year old who hasn't left home successfully is probably not a great catch but I'll listen to what the others say here

lyndausvi · December 2009

Do I think the relationship will last? No.

Would I tell her that? Not unless she asked

So what would I do? nothing. Some people have to figure this out on their own.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-long-pollish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5f9337a-4e5d-40ad-8f6f-c9f6ee63f959Post:fd9dbdc3-580a-4be0-9519-831261206076">Re: What would you do? (Long, pollish)</a>:
[QUOTE]Does the boyfriend have a good job record? Responsible in other matters? Any reason he would be gunshy?
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>AFAIK, the only red flag is that his longest relationship before this one lasted 2 months. Her longest relationship before this one lasted 4 years. And that was from age 16-20!</div><div>
</div><div>What's weird is that he has a degree from a good school and is very smart. He's working on inventing some office products and had one in development with Staples, I think. So he cut down his work hours/job to concentrate on that originally. He pays his bills, has a late-model car he bought himself (well, 2004, I think). But at this point, I don't know what's holding him back. (All of his friends are seriously nuclear engineers and rocket scientists - the guys he graduated from college with.)

</div>

janedoe1113a · December 2009

Yea, I don't think I'd be staying with him.

ootmother2 · December 2009

I missed the part about just working part time.

not adding to his good points but I would never tell a friend to leave her boyfriend. It's totally her call and I wouldn't offer advice unless asked

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-long-pollish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5f9337a-4e5d-40ad-8f6f-c9f6ee63f959Post:c893c6a4-e362-4d02-90d3-42357df1c182">Re: What would you do? (Long, pollish)</a>:
[QUOTE]Do I think the relationship will last? No. Would I tell her that? Not unless she asked So what would I do? nothing. Some people have to figure this out on their own.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, I'm definitely not giving her unsolicited advice! She's been complaining lately about him being a baby. He didn't come to my party a few weeks ago because she went for drinks with some people beforehand and he didn't want to see her "sketchy friends." (Not me, the other people.) So she texts me a lot and I say, "Oh, yeah, wow. That's kind of annoying. He was kind of a jerk last week." Just to back up her opinion.</div><div>
</div><div>I was just wondering if I was really off base. (FWIW, FI did move back in with his parents twice in the past 10 years, for about a year each time, for job/financial reasons. But not since we've been together.)</div>

playtntsbpg30 · December 2009

Living at home is one thing, but to be "mad" that she "made him move out" that's just crazy. I don't think they will last. I think she should cut her loses and just move on. It sucks she transferred her job and all. But after 2 yrs of dating he should be better at wanting to be with her and growing up to be a man and to be out of his parents house.

I'd do anything to trade places to be able to afford to live on my own right now and not have to live at home. I don't get some people sometimes they have it all yet they are so spoiled or just naive that they don't want to grow up.

squirrly · December 2009

I'd move on. And, I'd probably give my friend some unsolicited advice, but my close friends and I have relationships like that. We do it gently, of course, but we don't hide our concerns for the other person.

TeresaLovesDave · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-long-pollish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5f9337a-4e5d-40ad-8f6f-c9f6ee63f959Post:4539386a-87d2-4d5f-bdfc-fc2d0c1e723e">Re: What would you do? (Long, pollish)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Living at home is one thing, but to be "mad" that she "made him move out" that's just crazy.</strong> I don't think they will last. I think she should cut her loses and just move on. It sucks she transferred her job and all. But after 2 yrs of dating he should be better at wanting to be with her and growing up to be a man and to be out of his parents house. I'd do anything to trade places to be able to afford to live on my own right now and not have to live at home. I don't get some people sometimes they have it all yet they are so spoiled or just naive that they don't want to grow up.
Posted by playtnteppg27[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. Needing to live at home is very different than wanting to live at home. And even if he *is* a nice guy, that doesn't mean he's ready for the same kind of relationship that your friend wants or deserves.

It just seems like a crappy situation for your friend.

Brie2010 · December 2009

I would have a Come to Jesus talk with the guy and basically issue an ultimatum--change your attitude, reevaluate your priorites or I walk.

If he didn't respond well, I'd leave.

thesuninherhead · December 2009

At 29, most guys are living in their own homes and some are thinking about (or have already begun) starting families. If he's almost 30 and can't bear to live away from his mummy, I'm not sure that he's ever going to be ready to make that move. What is frustrating to me about situations like this is that the parents are only too willing to continue encouraging the co-dependence. While it's nice to be liked, your job as a parent is to prepare your child for living their own life independently, not continue to facilitate their reliance upon you.

ootmother2 · December 2009

I have a 28 year old nephew and my sister just kicked him out of the house December 1. However, he is an unmedicated bipolar who refused meds and drinks.

He just got engaged to a girl, also an unmedicated bipolar who refuses meds and drinks.

See, it could be worse!

mwhitson14 · December 2009

I think it's ridiculous that he's that old and is still spending at least one night a week there, when moved out.

If I were her, I'd have a talk with him about cutting the parent ties. If he refuses, time to move on. And if she asks your opinion on the matter, I'd honestly just say I think it's odd he still wants to live at home, and leave it at that.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-long-pollish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5f9337a-4e5d-40ad-8f6f-c9f6ee63f959Post:34c4ee49-8a38-46d3-8872-93be2bc611b8">Re: What would you do? (Long, pollish)</a>:
[QUOTE] What is frustrating to me about situations like this is that the parents are only too willing to continue encouraging the co-dependence. While it's nice to be liked, your job as a parent is to prepare your child for living their own life independently, not continue to facilitate their reliance upon you.
Posted by thesuninherhead[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it's weird too. I also know that if I was capable of having a full time job and decided to move home to save money, my parents would charge me a reasonable rent. That, coupled with the fact that I would have to live with my parents, is enough to make me never want to try it!</div><div>
</div><div>Also, this guy's older siblings are married with kids, and the kids get dropped off at the grandparents' house every weekend. For the whole weekend. And he claims when he was a kid, his parents did the same thing. Which is odd to me. I've never met his family, but from what I hear, I don't get it.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Don't get me started on un-medicated bipolar men, OOT! That's my other friend's boyfriend... and another topic for another day!</div>

tlv204 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_would-long-pollish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5f9337a-4e5d-40ad-8f6f-c9f6ee63f959Post:ed2c3ed4-3b0c-45d0-afb2-37e7932f342b">Re: What would you do? (Long, pollish)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What would you do? (Long, pollish) : AFAIK, the only red flag is that his longest relationship before this one lasted 2 months. Her longest relationship before this one lasted 4 years. And that was from age 16-20! What's weird is that he has a degree from a good school and is very smart. He's working on inventing some office products and had one in development with Staples, I think. So he cut down his work hours/job to concentrate on that originally. He pays his bills, has a late-model car he bought himself (well, 2004, I think). But at this point, I don't know what's holding him back. (All of his friends are seriously nuclear engineers and rocket scientists - the guys he graduated from college with.)
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

That makes me think it has more to do with not wanting to live with her than not wanting to grow up at all. I mean what he's doing is definitley immature all around, but it seems like he's specifically blaming her for all of this which makes me think it's more of a relationship problem than a "quit being a mama's boy" problem. He might not act the same way with someone else. This might already be what you meant, sorry, I guess I'm just agreeing with you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · December 2009

TLV, I actually just remembered, that he wanted to "take a break" from their relationship about a year ago. He wasn't ready to saw he wanted to break up, though. I think he's hoping she'll break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy. And knowing both of them, that means this could be stretched out for a loooong time.

mocha beans · December 2009

I'd be cutting the cord with him. The only late 20 somethings that get a pass on living with mom and dad are those who live on the family farm or something like that.

He has no real reason to be living at home, if he's perfectly capable of living on his own, which it sounds like he is. She's never going to come first in his life at this rate, he's got his parents firmly in that position. I would not want to be like that at all. Enjoying family time is one thing, this is family obsession. And not healthy.

What would you do? (Long, pollish)

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