The name change game.

Mmoray · April 2012

So I guess this is less of a question and more of a vent. Tonight FI and I were out to dinner with a friend, and somehow we got on the topic of dealing with the last name change after the wedding. Well, I've been thinking about that lately, and I'm about 99% certain that I do not want to take my FI's last name. I've been toying around with the idea of either just keeping my own last name or the two of us taking on a new last name together. It's funny; I expected to feel some resistance from my FI, but he's not the problem.

What surprised me was how our friend reacted. He flat out said that he didn't see the point in marrying a girl if she wasn't going to take his last name. I was beyond shocked. I mean, are you kidding me? This is a guy who just finished his masters, yet he does not see the point in getting married if his hypothetical bride-to-be is not willing to change her last name??

More than anything, I'm really just disappointed with my friend. Normally I completely respect him, but this just made me kinda sad. So this just got me wondering how anyone else has dealt with this kind of reaction before? Any suggestions for snarky come-backs if he brings it up again? I won't be broaching the topic with him ever again, but I figured I'd start the conversation here on TK anyway.

mandi921vh · April 2012

Originally we were going to both keep our last names, and have our children hyphenate. But we decided we are changing our last name to MyLast-HisLast. All of my friends think it's a great compromise, while his friends think I should be taking his last name. People are always going to have opinions about your life choices, but changing your last name is a personal decision that you and your FI make together.

goobersinlove · April 2012

Your friend was definitely rude in saying that. I probably would have turned to my fiance and sarcastically said something along the lines of, "Oh I guess we shouldn't get married!"

While I am a traditionalist in that I would never consider NOT taking my FI's last name (To me, I feel like that is part of the deal in getting married), I don't judge other people who don't share my viewpoint.

I had a similar thing happen to me. I have an acquantance that is somewhat of a feminist and one of the first things she asked me after we got engaged was if I was taking his last name or not. When I replied, "Of course!" I got a comment about how it's like giving up one's identity or something. I was annoyed but I brushed it off.

Really though, I think the best response is something like, "Well, that's our decision" and change the subject.

whitsy · April 2012

People have strong opinions (usually) when it comes to name changes. Especially guys that might be considered old fashioned. It would have broken my husband's heart if I hadn't taken his name; it really meant a lot to him. While I think it was rude of your friend to say that to you, I doubt he meant it in a way to offend you. I wouldn't be disappointed in someone that felt that way. I can totally see it.

If he brings it up again, I would say, "My fiance and I have made our decision. Now, how's that bean dip?" It's none of his business but a snarky come back isn't going to do anything productive.

C&MMartel · April 2012

I agree that taking/ keeping each others names are a very personal decision but i am VERY excited to take his last name. I love mine, and its going to be a pain in the butt to change everything over, but im thrilled to become his wife and start a family under his name. I'm all about tradition, family, and generations. He's an only child by his father (he has step/half on his mothers side) but we are both thrilled to keep on the generations with his fathers name. A part of me wants to agree with your friend and the other part of me wants to slap myself for agreeing. I've always been one to think of marriage as Two becoming One. Not that you have to loose your own personal identity, but together you create a unified unbreakable family identity. Just my opinion and you will get others. But just dont take it so personally by what your friend said, although it might have caught you off guard and hurt you, its just an opinion, and what really matters is what you and FI think.

Kate61487 · April 2012

I probably would have responded with "Good thing I'm not marrying you, huh?"

In all reality, though, many men DO feel very strongly about their wife taking their name. I was happy to take H's name, so we didn't have any issue, but I know he would have been pretty hurt if I hadn't wanted to (and frequently quotes scrubs - when Carla doesn't want to take Turk's name and Turk says "that's okay, baby, we'll just be one of those couples that doesn't love each other"). Just stick with your decision and be happy that you and your FI are in agreement and forget whatever else anyone says. This won't be the only time people give you unwanted adivce or opinions, so might as well get used to brushing them off.

Mmoray · April 2012

I have no problem with people who choose to take their husband's last name. I understand that it's traditional and there can be a sweet sentiment to it.

However, what bothers me is how he reacted. This was not a simple comment. This was a slew of comments about how my choice was pointless and meant that I shouldn't even bother getting married.

Personally I love the idea of having the same last name, so what I really want to do is start a new last name with my FI. That way we're embracing this whole idea of two becoming one, without me having to make all the sacrifice (or at least what I perceive as sacrifice, no offense meant with that).

lauraminn · April 2012

I am so sorry you had to deal with that, and I know I would be hurt as well. What I hate more than anything is the assumption that a woman will change her name once she is married. Add to it a belief that if she does not then she must not love her husband...I just don't know what to say about that...

I will not be changing my name, and I don't think anyone that I know will be very surprised to learn that! However, I'm interested to see what some of fiance's distant family says or how they react.

whitsy · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:595d2865-93bf-410c-8ea5-eb23a7079d1dPost:c296ff03-bc1f-4b76-821a-df4f4cbf3944">Re: The name change game.</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no problem with people who choose to take their husband's last name. I understand that it's traditional and there can be a sweet sentiment to it. However, what bothers me is how he reacted. This was not a simple comment. This was a slew of comments about how my choice was pointless and meant that I shouldn't even bother getting married. Personally I love the idea of having the same last name, so what I really want to do is start a new last name with my FI. That way we're embracing this whole idea of two becoming one, without me having to make all the sacrifice (or at least what I perceive as sacrifice, no offense meant with that). :)
Posted by Mmoray[/QUOTE]

With the details that you have added, that it was a lot of comments, I can see why you are upset. What did your FI say? Did he allow him to continue?

Again though, I really don't think snarky comments are the way to go, because it's not going to change this guy's opinion. It's definitely rude of him to spout off like that. If this guy is closer to your FI, I'd let him deal with it if it happens again.

With others, try the bean dip. Good luck!

J&K10910 · April 2012

I didn't change my last name, and I've gotten some of the same flack. Unfortunately, for me it's come from my own grandmother and my father in law. For both of them, I pretty much just told them "it's not your choice, and I don't care what you think." But this was after hearing about it several times.

ElleB87 · April 2012

H's cousin flat out told him he was less of a man because I am keeping my last name and H might even take my name.

Mmoray · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:595d2865-93bf-410c-8ea5-eb23a7079d1dPost:dea776eb-8c7e-4a4e-a47d-c7eb81bee40f">Re: The name change game.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The name change game. : With the details that you have added, that it was a lot of comments, I can see why you are upset. What did your FI say? Did he allow him to continue? Again though, I really don't think snarky comments are the way to go, because it's not going to change this guy's opinion. It's definitely rude of him to spout off like that. If this guy is closer to your FI, I'd let him deal with it if it happens again. With others, try the bean dip. Good luck!
Posted by whitsy[/QUOTE]

<div>FI tried to play it off as a joke at first. Something like "wow, you're really a traditionalist when it comes to that kinda stuff?!" But when that didn't work, we both just basically stopped talking. I know, not the most mature option. But at the time it was either shut up or smack my friend upside the head. </div>

Mmoray · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:595d2865-93bf-410c-8ea5-eb23a7079d1dPost:8097fa39-0c89-4e40-8cf1-3e2173bfa581">Re: The name change game.</a>:
[QUOTE]H's cousin flat out told him he was less of a man because I am keeping my last name and H might even take my name.
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm expecting this kind of reaction from a few people on my FI's side. How do you deal with it?

</div>

ElleB87 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_the-name-change-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:595d2865-93bf-410c-8ea5-eb23a7079d1dPost:beb1fab1-a5f6-439d-ac14-3b1f9f62e7f9">Re: The name change game.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The name change game. : I'm expecting this kind of reaction from a few people on my FI's side. How do you deal with it?
Posted by Mmoray[/QUOTE]

In the particular instance I cited, H told him off and he half assed an apology. H's family and our friends usually call me Mrs.H'sLastName in social situations, or Mrs.Bee and it doesn't bother me. I know some members of my family side eye me not taking H's last name, but pretty much my entire life and who I am as a person gets the stink eye from my family so I don't put much stock in their opinions.

DelBride2012 · April 2012

It's been a big uphill battle to convince FH to let me take his name. Ultimately I want our children to share a name with us, and I don't want to hypenate, we compromised with my maiden name replacing my middle name.

The name change game.

Re: The name change game.

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