I really need opinions on this.

WMSKTF · September 2012

I don't even know how to begin this so I'm just going to be frank about it.

Kurt and I did not wait until marriage. We did not wait for each other either. Do I regret that? Everyday. Every time we would have sex, afterwards I felt so guilty, like I was worthless and was such a terrible person. I was saved when I was 14 but lately I hadn't been living for God. Everyday was a struggle.

About a month ago I had told Kurt that I didn't want our relationship to be sexual until we were married. I told him what had been going on with me and why I didn't want our relationship to be that way. He agreed and I thought that was the end of it. But anytime we were alone or out late, Kurt would start doing things and it would lead to sex sometimes. The other times when it didn't lead to sex, Kurt would get so mad at me. That bothers me.

So last night, we were both laying on the couch together. The way I was laying, there is no possibly way he could see my face. I had dosed off but woke up when I heard him talking. He was asking me if I was awake. I told him yes. Then, I dosed off again. This time, I woke up to him having his hand down my pants touching me. When I moved, he stopped. It's like he knew I wouldn't let him do that if I was awake, so he waited until I was asleep. That bothers me too. I told him not to do that and all he said was, "Sorry" halfheartedly.

Anytime I tell him that I can't wait for us to be married, his response is generally "I can't either. That way we can have sex every night."

I understand that he is a guy and maybe a celibate relationship is hard on him, but his actions last night were uncalled for. How do I even handle that?

I don't know where to go from here. I know that his actions now only show what our future is going to be like. I don't want it to be like that.

azdancer8 · September 2012

Do you two live together? I know it doesn't address the complete issue, but one option would be for you to just get up and leave when he starts down that path. He may not realize how serious you are until you are more firm about it.

How far away is your wedding? Maybe you need to have another talk with him about your desire to not have sex again until the wedding. Work with him to set boundaries. For example, if him putting his hand down your pants leads to sex, or is too far for you, make the boundary line a step back from that, i.e. no hands under clothes at all.

ochemjenn · September 2012

He should not be expecting you to do anything that makes you feel guilty. This seems like a major red flag to me. While avoiding situations the provide the opportunity to have sex may keep you from engaging in the act, it doesn't fix the underlying problem, which is that he expects you to have sex with him whether or not you want to have sex. It sounds like he expects marriage to mean sex 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, but that's just not realistic. Sometimes you're going to be tired, sick, or just not in the mood, but it seems like he doesn't respect that.

WMSKTF · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_i-really-need-opinions-on-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:f3b5644a-ea1d-4e96-96ac-7a272b7849ddPost:c79b0daa-deaf-440b-b44e-ef220ef513cd">Re: I really need opinions on this.</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you two live together? I know it doesn't address the complete issue, but one option would be for you to just get up and leave when he starts down that path. He may not realize how serious you are until you are more firm about it. How far away is your wedding? Maybe you need to have another talk with him about your desire to not have sex again until the wedding. Work with him to set boundaries. For example, if him putting his hand down your pants leads to sex, or is too far for you, make the boundary line a step back from that, i.e. no hands under clothes at all.
Posted by azdancer8[/QUOTE]

We do not live together. Normally these things happen at my house so I can't just leave unless I am going to go to a different room. Our wedding is about 1.5 years away.

sessionswedding · September 2012

Um, a guy that puts his hand down your pants without your consent is SEXUALLY ASSAULTING YOU. Forget other considerations, that would be the end of that relationship for me. Period.

azdancer8 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_i-really-need-opinions-on-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:f3b5644a-ea1d-4e96-96ac-7a272b7849ddPost:8b23674a-1f0d-43ef-b56e-ce54c638e9db">Re: I really need opinions on this.</a>:
[QUOTE]Um, a guy that puts his hand down your pants without your consent is SEXUALLY ASSAULTING YOU. Forget other considerations, that would be the end of that relationship for me. Period.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not sure it's as black and white as that. He may still be pushing boundaries (which is still not right) or maybe he thought she was still awake and was hoping it would lead to something (which is against her wishes). I'm not saying it's ok, and I would certainly take issue if it was my H, but I wouldn't label it assault without knowing both sides. If it IS intentional assault, then yes, it would be a relationship ender for me.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I don't know how clear you've been with your FI on your boundaries, or how strictly you've enforced them. And it's no excuse for him, but yeah, going from sex regularly to celibacy is going to be really hard for a guy (or girl for that matter). If you want this relationship to work, you need to really talk with him about your expectations and boundaries, and really enforce them. He needs to respect when you say no that you mean no. You may even need to have a third party, like a counselor, help guide the discussion. If your FI is unwilling or unable to abide by the set rules and respect you in this way, that's going to be a sign of how things will likely be in your marriage. He should not be making you do things you are uncomfortable with. I hate saying "red flag", but unwillingness to respect you, that's a relationship killer, and it won't get better unless there is a definite change.</div><div>
</div><div>And yeah, the whole expectation of sex every day once you're married is completely unrealistic.

</div>

DramaGeek · September 2012

The fact that he seems to be intentionally pushing sex when he knows you don't want to, that he gets angry when you won't have sex with him, and that he stuck his hand down your pants when you think he might have realized you weren't awake are all major red flags for me. I don't know that i'd end the relationship but things would definitely be on halt wedding wise while we sought counseling, if this were my H and me.

FWIW, we went through a period of time where we let things go too far for us. Perhaps others wouldn't have been uncomfortable with it, but I was. Since I was uncomfortable, that meant he was too, as he didn't want to put me in a position where I felt I was doing something wrong. We discussed it and set new boundaries. He respected those boundaries because he respects me. I feel like there may be a lack of respect coming from your Fi and that concerns me.

geieran · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_i-really-need-opinions-on-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:f3b5644a-ea1d-4e96-96ac-7a272b7849ddPost:e283e651-3f62-46f6-a390-b042394764ec">Re: I really need opinions on this.</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that he seems to be intentionally pushing sex when he knows you don't want to, that he gets angry when you won't have sex with him, and that he stuck his hand down your pants when you think he might have realized you weren't awake are all major red flags for me. I don't know that i'd end the relationship but things would definitely be on halt wedding wise while we sought counseling, if this were my H and me. FWIW, we went through a period of time where we let things go too far for us. Perhaps others wouldn't have been uncomfortable with it, but I was. Since I was uncomfortable, that meant he was too, as he didn't want to put me in a position where I felt I was doing something wrong. We discussed it and set new boundaries. He respected those boundaries because he respects me. I feel like there may be a lack of respect coming from your Fi and that concerns me.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

I agree with Drama.

I have been in past relationships that were emotionally and borderline physically abusive. I don't know the entire situation with you and your F so I can't say that it's the same situation as me. However, I can tell you that it reminds me of my own situations in many ways.

Probably the biggest factor in my own experience and what I see in what you have written (and what Drama mentioned, too) is that there is no respect. You may think of ways that you feel that he respects you, but if something makes you uncomfortable and he expects you to do it anyway, then he is not respecting you. He is also trying to control you if he gets angry with you if you do not do something that you makes you feel uncomfortable - especially when you have had a conversation and told him exactly how you feel and he agreed to abide by your wishes. The fact that he put his hands somewhere he shouldn't when he might have thought you were asleep is inexcusable. And these behaviors change and manifest into other things over time.

My F and I haven't waited until our wedding. I wish that we had. I don't feel that what we did was right and a while ago, I told my F how I felt. He didn't feel the same way, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was uncomfortable and that was the end of it. We haven't done it since and now we have 20 days left. My point is I've been where you are and it's not right. The way my F treats me is the way you should be treated. When you say that you feel uncomfortable and I don't think we should have sex until after we're married, he should say "Okay."

GunzNRoses213 · September 2012

A year and a half is a LONG time to wait for a guy who already had such ... That's gonna be hard on him but doing what he did is NOT ok ..

I'd have a serious conversation with him and explaine again why you feel the way you do ie guilty. I'd take him to a pastor or a christian counselor and have someone else explaine some of this to him and that his behavior while "typical " for some men is just not ok ... Try to see if he could possibly feel /understand the way you feel and maybe he would be excited to wait as well ....

We are waiting for marriage but we've been across a line or two .. Some of us have been there and can understand that much ... [ I have a kid from a previous relationship trust me I've been there with the 24/7 all the time type of person it's NOT fun ]

He has to be realistic that it's not gonna be everyday ... Explaine the purpose of sex in marriage ...

Try reading The Act of Marriage and also Sheet Music. Both give biblical perspectives on God's intention/purpose of marriage. It might wean him off of wanting it all the time if he can tap into the emotinal reasons /purpose and not the physical "neccisty " as some people do ...

znd13 · September 2012

I agree with what the others are saying. He is not respecting you or your feelings/beliefs.

And seriously, that puts real doubt in my mind of his character.

I think you should talk about it some more. (Don't back down) Set some rules and stick by them. For instance, "Don't be alone together after 11 oclock." "No necking". Ect. If he still doesn't start thinking of you, and pushes himself on you, doesn't have to be physically, but making you feel bad for resisting him, or whatever, I think you should really pray about this relationship, and get some cousil.

Ash61612 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_i-really-need-opinions-on-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:f3b5644a-ea1d-4e96-96ac-7a272b7849ddPost:e0a137d6-2d6c-490f-8440-1849f546ec79">Re: I really need opinions on this.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I really need opinions on this. : I agree with Drama. I have been in past relationships that were emotionally and borderline physically abusive. I don't know the entire situation with you and your F so I can't say that it's the same situation as me. However, I can tell you that it reminds me of my own situations in many ways. Probably the biggest factor in my own experience and what I see in what you have written (and what Drama mentioned, too) is that there is no respect. <strong>You may think of ways that you feel that he respects you, but if something makes you uncomfortable and he expects you to do it anyway, then he is not respecting you. He is also trying to control you if he gets angry with you if you do not do something that you makes you feel uncomfortable - especially when you have had a conversation and told him exactly how you feel and he agreed to abide by your wishes. The fact that he put his hands somewhere he shouldn't when he might have thought you were asleep is inexcusable. And these behaviors change and manifest into other things over time.</strong> My F and I haven't waited until our wedding. I wish that we had. I don't feel that what we did was right and a while ago, I told my F how I felt. He didn't feel the same way, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was that I was uncomfortable and that was the end of it. We haven't done it since and now we have 20 days left. My point is I've been where you are and it's not right. The way my F treats me is the way you should be treated. When you say that you feel uncomfortable and I don't think we should have sex until after we're married, he should say "Okay."
Posted by geieran[/QUOTE]

I agree with all the advice the ladies have given. The two of you need to sit down as adults and have a serious conversation. You need to explain to him how you feel, stand up for yourself and don't let him run over you. I would seek some counseling and pray over this for sure. Some boundaries need to be set ASAP.

RebeccaJac · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_i-really-need-opinions-on-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:f3b5644a-ea1d-4e96-96ac-7a272b7849ddPost:e283e651-3f62-46f6-a390-b042394764ec">Re: I really need opinions on this.</a>:
[QUOTE]The fact that he seems to be intentionally pushing sex when he knows you don't want to, that he gets angry when you won't have sex with him, and that he stuck his hand down your pants when you think he might have realized you weren't awake are all major red flags for me. I don't know that i'd end the relationship but things would definitely be on halt wedding wise while we sought counseling, if this were my H and me. FWIW, we went through a period of time where we let things go too far for us. Perhaps others wouldn't have been uncomfortable with it, but I was. Since I was uncomfortable, that meant he was too, as he didn't want to put me in a position where I felt I was doing something wrong. We discussed it and set new boundaries. He respected those boundaries because he respects me. I feel like there may be a lack of respect coming from your Fi and that concerns me.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ditto. </div>

ElleB87 · September 2012

Is staying with this guy seriously an option for you?! You put it to him as clear as a sunny day that you were not comfortable with sexual activity and then you awoke to him molesting you. Stop sugar coating what this dirtbag did. He stuck his hand down your pants without your permission. Semi-acknowledging being awake is NOT consent for sexual activity! This is not a good guy. Period. And his comments about sex after marriage...he sounds like a pig.

To the PP who said "he's a guy it must be hard for him"...are you really that ignorant? It's no harder for a man to resist sexual temptation than it is for a woman. My H was celebate for YEARS before we got married because I was uncomfortable with having a sexual relationship and he didn't have a single problem with it. Not once did he complain, try to guilt me into something or take advantage of me while I was semi-conscous. That's what a real man does; he respects his spouse.

I think putting a boundary like "don't be alone together after 11 PM" is fricken ridiculous FFS. He's a grown man, you're a grown woman. If he honestly can't be alone with a woman, at night, without trying to force himself on her he needs to be locked away. You have already set the boundary and he has already shown that he doesn't respect it, or you for that matter.

OP - I think you both need serious and intensive counseling and I think you need to take a step back and think about who you're marrying. His behaviour is only going to get worse after you say your vows and he's already made it clear what he expects every.damn.night whether you want to or not.

GunzNRoses213 · September 2012

i said it was hard on a guy yes ...but i didnt say it wasnt for a woman... its not an exuse or being ignorant.

WMSKTF · September 2012

Thanks to some of you ladies for the well meant and well put advice. I can't exactly say that for all the comments here...

I really need opinions on this.

Re: I really need opinions on this.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards