Change venue two months away?

jules0505 · July 2010

It's complicated. I've always wanted my fairy tale wedding to be at my family's farm. Plans have been underway for nine months and the wedding is two months away. I'm literally about to send out the invites. Through the entire planning process, my step-mother (who lives at the farm) has been making ridiculous requests and changes to the plans. We decided on something six months ago and suddenly she doesn't want to do it anymore. The ONLY reason she has any say at all is because since she married my father, the farm is now her home too.

The ridiculous keeps getting more and more ridiculous. I can't have sparklers because they might get run over by the lawn mower. Who's going to be mowing during the wedding?! Why wouldn't we pick them up after the wedding?

Now, she doesn't want anyone to smoke anywhere on the premises. The problem is that my fiance's mother smokes, three of the four groomsmen smoke along with other family members and friends. Did I mention that this is an OUTDOOR wedding and reception? Are they supposed to get in the cars and drive down the gravel road to smoke? I don't want to alienate half of the wedding party and guests because one woman can't breathe.

I don't smoke and I don't particularly like the smell either, but I can deal with it for one night and I really don't think it will be an issue because the wedding and reception is OUTDOORS!

I know, pick my battles. I would give in to her, but then what? We still have two months to go and there will inevitably be some other ridiculous request.

My only other option is to change venues. The invitations haven't printed yet, so technically it's not too late, but we are running out of time. My fiance's mother is calling around to see if anything is available for our dates. If there is, should I change? That's the only way to get her off my back and not ruin my wedding day. My fiance is really pushing to change venues.

HELP!

hmonkey · July 2010

aww, your fairytale even has an evil stepmother in it. the grimms would be proud.

find a nice public park or picnic area and have your "fairytale" there.

katorigasuki · July 2010

where is daddy-dearest in all this?

and by the way, if it's her home, she gets to say what goes and what doesn't. that inlcudes smoking outdoors.

you do realize people leave cig butts all over the place and it causes a big mess. it's more than just the smell.

Heffalump · July 2010

Hell, I wouldn't want people smoking in my yard, either. Fairy tale or not. It's just like any other site: if you can't abide by the site rules, keep looking.

Butter Cookie · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_change-venue-two-months-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:20885f45-45c0-4f97-8f32-bf632422bfbePost:817091fa-67c5-45f9-a2d6-a8530322a4aa">Change venue two months away?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's complicated. I've always wanted my fairy tale wedding to be at my family's farm. Plans have been underway for nine months and the wedding is two months away. I'm literally about to send out the invites. Through the entire planning process, my step-mother (who lives at the farm) has been making ridiculous requests and changes to the plans. We decided on something six months ago and suddenly she doesn't want to do it anymore. The ONLY reason she has any say at all is because since she married my father, the farm is now her home too. The ridiculous keeps getting more and more ridiculous. I can't have sparklers because they might get run over by the lawn mower. Who's going to be mowing during the wedding?! Why wouldn't we pick them up after the wedding? Now, she doesn't want anyone to smoke anywhere on the premises. The problem is that my fiance's mother smokes, three of the four groomsmen smoke along with other family members and friends. Did I mention that this is an OUTDOOR wedding and reception? Are they supposed to get in the cars and drive down the gravel road to smoke? I don't want to alienate half of the wedding party and guests because one woman can't breathe. I don't smoke and I don't particularly like the smell either, but I can deal with it for one night and I really don't think it will be an issue because the wedding and reception is OUTDOORS! I know, pick my battles. I would give in to her, but then what? We still have two months to go and there will inevitably be some other ridiculous request. My only other option is to change venues. The invitations haven't printed yet, so technically it's not too late, but we are running out of time. My fiance's mother is calling around to see if anything is available for our dates. If there is, should I change? That's the only way to get her off my back and not ruin my wedding day. My fiance is really pushing to change venues. HELP!
Posted by jules0505[/QUOTE]

You really could have it in a nice park somewhere. I don't know where you are but check for "State Parks in [state]" on google. You'd be surprised what comes up, and how cheap they are to rent. As for if you still want to have it on the farm do what I'm doing - buy some butt buckets (I found ceramic ones at Ikea), fill with sand, and make a quick announcement to the guests about respecting the grounds and using the butt buckets provided. Get Dad to get sMom to chill, and don't have sparklers. DONE. :)

jules0505 · July 2010

Dad is stuck in the middle and not taking sides. I was planning to have a designated smoking area outside the tent with buckets of sand for them to put their butts in. We are definitely planning to pick up all the trash Including butts and sparkler sticks the next morning.

Smokers will find a way to smoke, sure. Had I known that this is what she wanted nine months ago, we would have never planned to have it at the farm. It wouldn't be a big deal except that we'll be alienating my fiance's mother and half of the wedding party.

Is smoking outside really that bad? Does it make the air hard to breathe? It's one night.

TheDuckis · July 2010

I don't think it's unreasonable not to want people lighting up in the middle of your reception.

Compromise and ask that a small area far from from the general festivities be designated for smoking, then personally guarantee that every butt will be removed by the next morning.

jules0505 · July 2010

She's not worried about the butts. She's worried about the quality of air...OUTSIDE!

MinM · July 2010

Well, that is a real and valid concern. Second and third hand smoke posts real heath hazards.

Butter Cookie · July 2010

I dunno, it doesn't sound like she's going to budge on this. I might look into another simple venue. You can't really ask a smoker not to smoke, you know?

hmonkey · July 2010

[QUOTE]She's not worried about the butts. She's worried about the quality of air...OUTSIDE!
Posted by jules0505[/QUOTE]

look, it doesn't matter whether or not she's "right." it's her farm and she gets to care about whatever she wants to care about. and it looks like it includes you not getting married there.

MinM · July 2010

You CAN ask a smoker not to smoke. Smokers are not a protected class of people. Will they abide? That. Is another issue.

TheDuckis · July 2010

Honestly though, I wouldn't let sparklers and cigarettes stop you from having the wedding you want at the place you've always wanted to have it. Which is more important, and why would you--or your father, for that matter--allow your step mother this much control over you?

A lot of venues don't allow smoking. Weddings last about as long as a cross-country flight. People can go that long without a cigarette. Just let your fMIL and WP know that if they need to smoke they need to be very discreet out of respect for the owners of the property.

jules0505 · July 2010

Yes, you can ask a smoker not to smoke, but there's always an option for them. Usually to go outside. I'm not opposed to having a designated area for them to smoke. The only option she's allowing them is off the property. They would have to get in their cars and drive down the road.

Is it really unreasonable to have a designated area?

And, no, they won't abide. I'm from a small rural community where cigarettes and booze go hand in hand. Excuse the pun, but my reception will be a real drag if smoking is not allowed. They won't pay attention to any "no-smoking" signs. Who would at an outdoor event?

notamrs · July 2010

Also - sparkler exits are usually not as dramatic/photogenic as you think they will be (apologies to anyone here who had one), so I'd let that one go as well.

TheDuckis · July 2010

And what is your step mom going to do then, pluck the cigarettes from their hands? Start throwing people out? Tell her you'll do everything in your power to keep people from smoking. Ask the people closest to you to respect her wishes or at least hide behind the tool shed. Once the reception is happening there won't be much she can do about it.

It sounds to me like you don't have the greatest relationship with her to begin with, so further damage shouldn't be such a big deal.

Again, I'd be goddammned if my stepmother was going to manipulate me into giving up my dream wedding over something as stupid as cigarettes and sparklers.

MinM · July 2010

It does not matter if you think you are being reasonable, or if your request is reasonable. This farm, is her property. SHE gets to decide the rules.

jules0505 · July 2010

THANK YOU!

My biggest concern is WHAT NEXT? We can come to a compromise on the cigarettes or I'll give in to her whatever, but one month from now when its too late to change venues it will be something else.

I'm already stressed enough about the whole thing and all the remaining details. Changing venues would add to that stress, but take her out of the picture completely.

She's been going behind my back and my father's back and complaining about EVERYTHING! I asked that my sibling stay at the house with their infants, so that they could still enjoy the reception and not have to leave and go to a hotel at bedtime. Now she's saying no because there will be too many children!

jules0505 · July 2010

The farm is NOT her property. It is my father's property and she just lives there. When he passes, the farm goes to the children, not the spouses.

TheDuckis · July 2010

Well, it is fair for her not to want to deal with a bunch of houseguests over a weekend where she'll also be using her home to host a large party. Again, you could compromise by asking if you can hire a babysitter to watch the children inside the house during the reception. They can bring sleepingbags and have a slumber party in the living room, then your siblings can bundle them up and take them to the hotel at the end of the night.

I would nip further issues in the bud by a) not making any other unnecessary demands on your step mother's time or space, and b) talking to your dad about reasonable expectations for what is and isn't acceptable, and ask him to speak up for you.

GBCK · July 2010

I was mostly w/ you until the last post...
it may not be her property, but it IS HER HOME.

That means she DOES have some say.

I'm giving some side-eye to you inviting people to be hosted, by dad and step-mom, in their home, that weekend. That's their choice to make (and yeah, she has a say in it, ownership issues be damned--it's her HOME, even if she doesnt own the house at all), and not yours.

jules0505 · July 2010

Absolutely, but I asked them first, she agreed to it and thought it was a wonderful idea and is now backing out after we already invited them to stay there. These aren't strangers staying there, by the way, these are my sisters who also grew up in that home and who are standing up with me. Whether they stay there or not, we will all be spending a considerable amount of time at the farm that weekend - children and all.

If they weren't staying there, guess who would be, her family.

I'm not saying that she doesn't have a say, but she needs to be reasonable and her demands are not reasonable. She didn't ask me what I thought about no-smoking she demanded it. There's simply no compromise with this woman.

MinM · July 2010

Her behavior has been inconsistent and perhaps, inconsiderate for what seems to be awhile now. For that reason, I think it is unreasonable for you to expect her to be reasonable.

So, she is making commitments and then backing out, while also seaking badly about you. Do you really want to have you wedding in this woman's home (whether she be the property owner, renter, inhabitant)?

If she is so butthurt about the smoking issue this far ahead of time, what makes you think she won't go around unleashing a fire hydrant on your friends who smoke?

twilight.rose · July 2010

As far as smoking goes, people will understand a request to not smoke on private property. It seems like that's one of the major points of contention, but I promise people will live a few hours without a cigarette.

I've since quit for the most part, but when I was smoking my heaviest, I was never once offended at someone asking me not to smoke...I never even smoked in my own home, let alone on others' property.

notamrs · July 2010

I know I'm late to this and probably no one will read, it but I'll say it anyway:

[QUOTE]The farm is NOT her property. It is my father's property and she just lives there. When he passes, the farm goes to the children, not the spouses.
Posted by jules0505[/QUOTE]

You sound like a brat. Wonder why your stepmom is not being overly helpful, since you've obviously made her feel so welcome in the family. GBCK was right - she's not a tenant, she's your father's wife. Regardless of whether or not her name is on the title for the property, when she married him it became her home.

Butter Cookie · July 2010

You know, at least in this state, you can write your children out of your will but not your spouse. Just saying.

Change venue two months away?

Re: Change venue two months away?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards