Please help. My future GMIL is already starting with me.

InATizzy1601 · April 2010

A little background. My fiance was raised by his grandparents and his mother passed away a few years ago. His grandmother is, in general, a wonderful woman who has very much welcomed me into the family. However, she is already starting with me about the wedding and we have only been engaged 3 weeks. My current issue is this:

My fiance's cousin is like a sister to him and she has a son (14) and 3 daughters (7 and 5 year old twins) and I love all of them. I have a niece (2) that is the light of my life. Only baby on my side of the family and I love her.

My future grandmother in law has started talking about flower girls and the wedding party in general. She says to me last night "Oh, you have to have the twins as your flower girls, they will be so cute in their dresses throwing flowers etc etc etc"

I said to her that it was still a ways off (2.5 years) and I wasn't thinking about it yet because I didn't want to get into it with her and she kept pushing me saying that they HAD to be flower girls. The thing is, I am not opposed to this, because they are sweet little girls but I know I want my niece as a flower girl for sure as she will be almost 5 at that point and she's my niece!!! The twins could also be flower girls, they will be 7 at the time but I really don't want to be told what I HAVE TO DO. Also, the 7 year old little girl would then be left out, which is really unfair and she is not such a nice girl (I hate to say it but she's a brat) and will throw a tantrum about being left out.

How do I keep the peace and my sanity? His grandmother is very pushy. We haven't even told her yet that the entire wedding is going to be out by my parents house, which is only 15 miles but may as well be another state as far as she is concerned.

For the record, her husband, my fiance's grandfather is awesome and very calming and somewhat told her to back off last night during this conversation.

She also suggested once that my niece be the ring bearer so the twins could be flower girls.

mbcdefg · April 2010

Don't bring up the wedding around her. If SHE brings it up, give vague answers (We haven't thought that far ahead yet; we're still figuring things out; we are just enjoying the engagement and don't want to rush into any plans; it's not wise to pick a bridal party more than a year out) and then change the subject or find a polite way to end the conversation.

Is she paying for any/all of the wedding? If not, then she gets no say. If she IS, though, you and FI owe her the courtesy of at least hearing out her ideas. While she shouldn't be taking over your wedding, if she's contributing money then she has the right to a bit of input.

For what it's worth, though, girls can be ring bearers. So that could be an option for the twins (since she suggested that role for your niece, then it seems that she has no problem with girls being ring bearers).

Licia&Wayne · April 2010

I think you did the right thing when you told her the wedding is too far away to be thinking about things like that. Your best bet is to bean dip like crazy right now. Be polite and thank her for her suggestions and then change the subject.

It's a conundrum that many face on this board. Too many kids, the feeling of not enough places to put them. This is something that you shouldn't even be worrying about 2.5 years out. In the scheme of all things wedding, I promise you, whatever you worry about is never as big of a deal as you're making of it. It may seem that way, but really, it's not. It's just a minor bump in the road during a really happy and exciting time.

Quite honestly, there isn't a rule about how many flower girls/ring bearers you have to have or whether the roles are gender specific. Sometimes it's better to keep the family peace with decisions like this, or ditto PP in making the twins the ring bearers if you would love to have your niece as a flower girl. But I certainly would not make a decision about this 2.5 years out from your wedding. It's probably best just to avoid the topic with GMIL right now.

CTGirl30 · April 2010

If your wedding is not going to be for 2.5 years, there's plenty of time before you have to worry about ANY of this. Enjoy your engagement time now and down the road, you can stress over planning. ;-)

"GMIL, I appreciate your thoughts on this but the wedding isn't going to be for 2 1/2 years! When we get much closer, FI and I will ask people to be part of our wedding party. It's way too far in advance for any of that right now." And then change the subject.
I'm sure she's just excited about it since it's all new but you and your FI make those decisions on who to ask (and in the case of children, you ask their parents' first if they can paritcipate as FGs or RBs). Just emphasize it's a long ways off still and change the subject. If you don't let the conversation keep going...it will stop. ;-)

GL to you, congrats!!!!!!! and happy planning.

suz62984 · April 2010

You did the right thing. Keep telling her that you will not be deciding on the wedding party until years down the line so there is no use thinking about it now(she just seems excited about the engagement though). When the time comes to pick WP just don't discuss it with her. If she brings it up change the subject. With so many kids in the family I might consider having all of them had out programs or bubbles instead of only some of them being in the WP.

InATizzy1601 · April 2010

Thank you everyone for your advice. Unfortunatley with his grandma, there is no good way to avoid the conversation. She is very very pushy. For example, I am a vegetarian (not strict but still) and after almost 3 years, she still rolls her eyes and acts insulted when I won't eat meat that she has cooked.

Also, she isn't paying for anything, but my fiance is living with them until the wedding to save money so she is always around!!

I guess this is what I get for marrying into a Sicilian family!!! (I'm Irish/German)

Licia&Wayne · April 2010

Eh, pushy to you is probably just excitement from her in this case. Maybe you could get her talking about her wedding instead of yours? That might be a good change of subject when she's getting a little demanding.

emilyinchile · April 2010

Just stick to your "it's still so far away, we're not thinking about that yet" guns, and enlist your FI's help in telling grandma to leave you alone. Hopefully she'll get tired of hearing the same answer soon and stop bugging you.

mbcdefg · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-future-gmil-already-starting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5f9a442d-22c7-453f-a970-a26e83262f17Post:245e8c9a-d6bc-446e-9e93-807db34e2304">Re: Please help. My future GMIL is already starting with me.</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for your advice. Unfortunatley with his grandma, there is no good way to avoid the conversation. She is very very pushy. For example, I am a vegetarian (not strict but still) and after almost 3 years, she still rolls her eyes and acts insulted when I won't eat meat that she has cooked.

Also, she isn't paying for anything, but my fiance is living with them until the wedding to save money so she is always around!! I guess this is what I get for marrying into a Sicilian family!!! (I'm Irish/German)
Posted by InATizzy1601[/QUOTE]

Well, try to look at it from her point of view ...

First, she's providing you with food and then she's getting insulted that you won't eat it and request something else. I am not at all saying you're wrong for being a vegetarian, but I can see why she'd feel slighted if you told her that you refused to eat what she's prepared. She's also from a different generation, one that probably placed a higher level of importance on respecting one's elders, not wasting food, accepting whatever you got without complaint, and a generation where very few people were probably on self-imposed dietary restrictions.

Also, if your FI is living with her free of charge, then in a way she IS contributing toward your wedding ... she's providing him with room and board that he'd otherwise need to pay for, thereby taking money away from your wedding. I can see why she might feel hurt that she's supporting him and then having her ideas shot down.

Again, you're not doing anything wrong, but maybe this is her line of thought when it comes to these topics. I 100% agree with you that you should not be choosing attendants two years away from your wedding. But my point is that maybe she feels like her ideas are being flat-out refused, rather than just put on the back burner for now since you're still so far out.

I would continue to avoid the subject as best you can ... but if it DOES come up, make sure to emhpasize that you respect her opinion and that you want to include her as a part of your day, but just keep stressing that it's way too early to make these decisions right now. "Grandma, we think you have great ideas, but we really don't want to make any final decisions this far out from our wedding. We aren't ignoring you, we just aren't setting anything in stone at this point in time. We promise you, we'll revisit these ideas once we're about a year away from the wedding."

InATizzy1601 · April 2010

I agree about the not accepting what she is cooking thing. I understand, even my mother gets annoyed when she has to figure out something for me to eat. It can get annoying when I have been a vegetarian for 20 years and she keeps saying "we'll get you to eat meat eventually" and acting like I'm ridiculous when I won't eat pork.

And, as far as my fiance living there rent free. I agree 100%! Her husband and her are a HUGE help when it comes to us saving for the wedding/our house and I am sooooooo grateful for that. It's all a balancing act I suppose. I love her I am just worried because I have seen her undermine my fiance's cousing in parenting over and over again (showing up at the house because the son called saying "my mom grounded me" and grandma disagreed that he should be so she went there to get him ungrounded.) and I suppose I just have some underlying concerns that if I give in too much now, it will never stop.

Oh the joys of melding families!!!

I'm sticking with the "It's too far out, I really need to concentrate on graduate school for the next year" excuse for now.

Thanks everyone!

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Well it also sounds like Grandma has some boundary issues as well then....(such as in the case of going over there to undermine a parent's decision to ground their child). That is absolutely uncalled for and it's none of her business. So that sheds a little more light on the situation and I can see how you'd have the concerns that if you gave in too much now it will never stop. Sounds like that is just her personality - some people are naturally sort of overbearing but you do have to let them know what your boundaries are. So yes, let her know you appreciate her thoughts but won't be making any decisions anytime soon and move on to another topic.

lalap69 · April 2010

Just keep handling it the way you are. I know it must be frustrating, but all you can do is to keep saying that it's too far away and then change the subject. Good luck!

CA2MT4EveR · April 2010

Aside from the venue, I would not plan much in solid stone because things will change.

To keep peace, just take any advice she gives, though you do not have to utilize it. Don't talk much about the wedding to anyone and just take this time to enjoy being engaged.

Please help. My future GMIL is already starting with me.

Re: Please help. My future GMIL is already starting with me.

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