This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.

Kilometers · January 2012

At least in my experience:)

A friend that is getting married has been reading posts about people on here inquiring on if they have to include their sisters or what to do about them. She suggested I give my two cents.

My sister & I were extremely close growing up as it was just the two of us 14 1/2 months apart.

I ran around town helping her fiance plan her engagement and for the first time in my life kept it a secret ( I'm a blabber mouth ). My father later told me how proud of me he was for doing that for her and I had some big bridesmaid duties coming up.

My sister picked her childhood friend as her maid of honor (ironially, they had a falling out due to the other brides maids and are no longer friends. She then selected 3 girls from church she'd known less than 3 years.

I told my sister it hurt my feeling she didn't ask me to be in her wedding. I understand it's her choice & big day but I wanted her to know how much it had hurt me. She told me to stop making it all about me & I shoud have asked to be in the bridal party.I felt like she was telling me I wasn't good enough.

She also mentioned she just assumed I wouldn't wand to do it.

I was devastated to be excluded as a bridesmaid but felt destroyed when I found out I had no role in her wedding except as a guest. When we arrived she'd had a program made that included all family member's names but mine. (Maybe an honest mistake.)The rest of the event was spent fielding questions from relatives about why I wasn't in my sister's wedding party.

My wisdom in this -

- Ask your sister anyway, it might take hearing you're wanted for her to accept the invitation.

- If you're going to exclude her, sit down and explain way. Also, listen to her.

- Excluding her from the bridal party is one thing but giving no role in the wedding is awful.

I still feel very devastated & embarrassed about what happened with her wedding 6 years ago. As a result, we are now estranged & neither of us wish to reconsile.

Of course, this is just my experience. Feel free to shoot me questions if you're in that situation.

Simply Fated · January 2012

I'm so sorry you are upset but I don't think your advice would work for everyone. You chose to help with those things, but she doesn't owe you anything back, other than a thank you. It was pretty crappy of your sister to not ask you if you two were as close as you said you were. Why did she assume you wouldn't want to be MOH?

cebrady89 · January 2012

I'm sorry about all of that. I hadn't thought about people coming up to you at the wedding asking why you weren't in it - that must have been a pain to deal with!

I am shocked she wouldn't list you in the program if all of your other relatives were included. I'm hoping that was a mistake on her part, and not a conscious decision.

I agree with PP though, this advice would not work for everyone.My sister will not have any role in my wedding besides being a guest and I'm content with that decision. My family understands it as well.

Thanks for your post though - a lot of girls post here about being on the fence regarding asking a sister, so I'm sure it'll be helpful to others

AdeleDazeem · January 2012

I'm so sorry this happened to you. However, all of this doesn't add up. You guys had a great relationship, but she didn't want you in the wedding and then excluded you from the program? I just feel like there's more to this story.

zitiqueen · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-sister-of-bride-feels-she-excluded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8487418-c44b-4849-ad07-1bce716a2c80Post:7a00adb5-2bef-4ad9-bb5e-5ee344e0ea71">This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.</a>:
[QUOTE]At least in my experience:) A friend that is getting married has been reading posts about people on here inquiring on if they have to include their sisters or what to do about them. She suggested I give my two cents. My sister & I were extremely close growing up as it was just the two of us 14 1/2 months apart. I ran around town helping her fiance plan her engagement and for the first time in my life kept it a secret ( I'm a blabber mouth ). My father later told me how proud of me he was for doing that for her and I had some big bridesmaid duties coming up. My sister picked her childhood friend as her maid of honor (ironially, they had a falling out due to the other brides maids and are no longer friends. She then selected 3 girls from church she'd known less than 3 years. I told my sister it hurt my feeling she didn't ask me to be in her wedding. I understand it's her choice & big day but I wanted her to know how much it had hurt me. She told me to stop making it all about me & I shoud have asked to be in the bridal party.I felt like she was telling me I wasn't good enough. She also mentioned she just assumed I wouldn't wand to do it. I was devastated to be excluded as a bridesmaid but felt destroyed when I found out I had no role in her wedding except as a guest. When we arrived she'd had a program made that included all family member's names but mine. (Maybe an honest mistake.)The rest of the event was spent fielding questions from relatives about why I wasn't in my sister's wedding party. My wisdom in this - - Ask your sister anyway, it might take hearing you're wanted for her to accept the invitation. - If you're going to exclude her, sit down and explain way. Also, listen to her. - Excluding her from the bridal party is one thing but giving no role in the wedding is awful. I still feel very devastated & embarrassed about what happened with her wedding 6 years ago. As a result, we are now estranged & neither of us wish to reconsile. Of course, this is just my experience. Feel free to shoot me questions if you're in that situation.
Posted by Kilometers[/QUOTE]

I also feel like there's more to the story considering this happened six years ago, she's still mad and you're still holding a grudge.

MairePoppy · January 2012

This is an unpopular opinion, but I agree with you, Kilometers. Not asking a sibling to be in the wedding part is regarded in some families as a very public slight.

When I was married many years ago, my sister-in-law, my cousin (who is the sister I never had) and my 2 dearest friends were in my wedding party. I have since lost touch with those friends, but my cousin is still in my life and my sister-in-law was too, until she passed away a few years ago.

I'm sorry your sister hurt your feelings by excluding you and added insult to injury with those poor excuses. But to sever your relationship with her over this is extreme. She's your sister. Offer an olive branch. You and your sister should be able to share whatever life brings your way.

tldh · January 2012

As the only sibling left out of her brother's wedding (because SIL wanted even sides) I can tell you that it is a slight that hurts like hell - even years later. And like it or not, guests will wonder what in hell is going on regardless of whether it is any of their business.

OP - the best thing you can do is be the bigger person and don't dwell on it. If anyone asks you why you weren't in the wedding tell them that they'll have to ask your sister. I am curious though as to why you weren't listed in the program as a member of the family - that is not an oversight.

batfacepattermonth · January 2012

I sort of know how you feel. It took me about 10 years to get over the fact that my dad didn't invite me to his wedding. Chalking it up to ignorance has helped me.

tldh · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-sister-of-bride-feels-she-excluded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8487418-c44b-4849-ad07-1bce716a2c80Post:adfbfec6-b28c-46b3-a305-ee660b47d50e">Re: This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't imagine why someone would feel hurt, and hold a long-term grudge, just because they weren't in a wedding. A one-day party. Why is that so important to the rest of someone's life with those people? Why is the burden always on a bride, even if the sibling was her fiance's and not hers? The fiance could have had the sibling on his side. Having you might have meant excluding one of her dear friends.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

I didn't say that I was holding a grudge Retread, I said that it still hurts. There is a world of difference there. And for the record - There were no friends in the WP. It was siblings only.

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-sister-of-bride-feels-she-excluded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8487418-c44b-4849-ad07-1bce716a2c80Post:adfbfec6-b28c-46b3-a305-ee660b47d50e">Re: This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't imagine why someone would feel hurt, and hold a long-term grudge, just because they weren't in a wedding. A one-day party. Why is that so important to the rest of someone's life with those people? Why is the burden always on a bride, even if the sibling was her fiance's and not hers? The fiance could have had the sibling on his side. <strong>Having you might have meant excluding one of her dear friends</strong>.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Or, the bride and groom could have just had uneven sides. Sounds to me like PP was excluded purely for aesthetic reasons - that's not cool. </div><div>
</div><div>No one has to include anyone's siblings (including their own) in the wedding party, but if your main reason for the exclusion is "we want even sides," that's probably not a great reason to risk a family rift.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA clarity.</div>

StephBeanWed61502 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-sister-of-bride-feels-she-excluded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8487418-c44b-4849-ad07-1bce716a2c80Post:fcd87ede-fe10-49f3-a0bb-3e201fdf9f12">Re: This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I'm sorry you were hurt but I respectfully disagree with your position. DNA doesn't get you an automatic in to a bridal party. My FSIL isn't included in my and FI's future wedding because I have virtually no relationship with her. It would be stupid to exclude one of my close friends or stretch my budget just to fit someone in that I'm not close with out of obligation. I'm not close with her and never will be. I'm not going to force her to dress up and pretend like we are for the sale of pictures.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>Just wanted to point out that while a bride doesn't have to include the groom's sister - and a groom doesn't have to include the bride's brother - you can always choose to have a sibling stand up for you, regardless of gender. There's no reason a bride can't have her brother be a "bridesman" - my brother is actualy my "Man of Honor" - or a groom can't have his sister be a "groomswoman" or "best maid." Sparkly, that's not to say your FI needs to include his sis - if he's not close to her, there's no reason to - but if he was, making her a groomswoman would be the solution here.</div>

MairePoppy · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-sister-of-bride-feels-she-excluded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8487418-c44b-4849-ad07-1bce716a2c80Post:2c1e54e3-5371-4a3d-8ed0-a6ed7f5a8a16">Re: This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.</a>:
[QUOTE]Maire, if that's how other people see it, then that's THEIR problem. Frankly, it's nobody's business why a bride picked her wedding party.<em><strong> DNA isn't a right to be in a wedding. It's unreasonable to ask a bride to put someone in there that she isn't close to. We see lots of headaches here from people who put family and friends that they didn't get along with in their weddings Just Because.</strong></em>
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Retread, I am basing my answer on the op's statement that she and her sister had always been close. My opinion would change if the sisters were estranged. We also see lots of headaches from people who regretted putting their best friends in their weddings.

run262131 · January 2012

To me, there seems to be more to this story then meets the eye. Neither one of my sisters are in or even invited to my wedding for VERY personal and reasonable reasons (i.e. they have multiple personal problems which I will not air publically). We are not close now despite have a close relationship growing up. Their behavior is appalling and since my FI and I are paying for our second time around wedding ourselves; we do not feel obligated to invite or put people into our wedding party.

If your sister had all of your other siblings in her wedding, while rude, I would wonder the real reason behind this. What is kinda ridiculous to me is to carry such a grudge for this long. That only suggests there is possibly more to the story. Maybe its time to grow up and let it go. Just sayin

skippylouwho · January 2012

When asked why you weren't a part of the wedding I believe you should have deflected the question with - I was happy to be supportive as a guest, aren't the flowers beautiful but if that wasn't acceptable to you then possibly you should have responded with, it was my sister's choice and you'd really have to ask her.

*Cheese* · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_this-sister-of-bride-feels-she-excluded?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e8487418-c44b-4849-ad07-1bce716a2c80Post:013635e6-b8a6-470c-ab02-fcae51d381b9">Re: This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry this happened to you. However, all of this doesn't add up. You guys had a great relationship, but she didn't want you in the wedding and then excluded you from the program? I just feel like there's more to this story.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

This. Also, it's understandable that a guest or two would have a few too many drinks and say something so rude as "why aren't you in the party" at the wedding, but for tons of people to all be that rude, it seems odd to me.

This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.

Re: This is how a sister of the bride feels when she is excluded.

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