Parent issues?

acehasrisen1 · May 2010

I dont understand it at all? how can you get ideas from your mother in-law without your own mother getting affended and then still have our ideas heard and understand. This battle between the the mother of the groom, to the mother of the bride with me in between is so stressful? HELP

tidetravel · May 2010

Who's paying for the wedding? The easiest way to avoid all of this family drama is to simply pay for the wedding yourself. Then you and your FI get to have the wedding you want, without having to entertain other's wishes.

jenn.daniel · May 2010

I just don't tell my mom quite how much FMIL is involved.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I guess I don't have to worry about that bc my mom has been non-exsistent in the entire planning process. I don't know what I would do without FMIL esp being 650 miles from where we are getting married. I agree with pp. I would watch what you say around her esp if your mom is helping you with a lot. Have the two of them met and do they get along otherwise? If so, it is probably just the wedding. It tends to bring out the best in people.

Kristin&eric · May 2010

i dont know, i just update my FMIL on stuff. I guess she doesnt get invovled bc her own daughter didnt let her get invovlved, FMIL didnt pay for her wedding though. This is her sons wedding so i want her to be involved so when I decided on BM dress' or the venue even out STD i emailed them to her to get her input!

526SadieSadie · May 2010

This is what I suggest.
You talk to your mom and tell her she's stressing you out with the nonsense between her and your FMIL.
Have you FI talk to his mom and tell her the same thing.

If the two moms never got along, the wedding stress if not going to make it any better between them, but they should tone it down and put less pressure on you.
It is true though that whoever is paying makes the final decision, but that doesn't mean outside opinions don't matter. If your FMIL suggests something you like, maybe talk to your mom about the idea without mentioning that it was your FMIL's suggestion? Omitting a detail isn't lying, it's keeping the peace.

kjs08 · May 2010

If you're talking to your mother about any information, you could just leave out that the idea came from your FMIL. I'm in a similar situation where my FMIL did a ton of stuff for my FSIL's wedding last year so a lot of things I can get from her since it's already done, but I'm not going to tell my mom that "FMIL did that already" but maybe turn it into "FMIL found _____ and thought it would be helpful". Your FMIL should be expressing ideas to your FI which he could then discuss with you then it would be "FI thought ......" instead of your FMIL and hopefully it doesn't come across as stepping on each others toes. HTH

mrose12 · May 2010

i'm not sure i understand why everyone keeps saying that the FMIL should talk to FI about ideas or that FI needs to tell her to back off.

i talk with my FMIL about everything, i don't need a mediator between us. if something happens between us it's between us, we talk about it like adults. neither of us throws a hissy fit, we don't need to bring my FI into it. We don't agree on everything but we're fine telling each other if we don't like something.

My future in-laws, as well as my parents, are helping with the costs in some ways. I'm willing to listen to everything both sides have to say but if it doesn't fit with my over-all look, or there isn't any way i can make it fit, it's probably is going to get nixed and both moms are OK with that.

I'm not saying that my mom and FMIL are friends but my mom knows how important my FMIL is to me, and FMIL knows that my mom is my mom. They know that in the end what i want is for everyone to just enjoy the day. It's not just about me and FI.

Sorry this was so long! LOL

LisaLPharmD · May 2010

My MIL hasn't been involved in a single decision, and she's not paying a dime, so it's fine. As my mother's friend said, "The mother of the groom should shut up, show up, and wear beige!" (she was talking abour herself when she said it! HA!)

debdebdol · May 2010

I guess I am lucky. Neither my mom or FMIL have shown any interest in helping with the planning.

cukimerrydoll · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:202ae7ba-a0fa-4f68-bc58-c5a45d807008Post:651caa8f-b3ca-4112-9a66-48500e741180">Re: Parent issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]i'm not sure i understand why everyone keeps saying that the FMIL should talk to FI about ideas or that FI needs to tell her to back off. i talk with my FMIL about everything, i don't need a mediator between us. if something happens between us it's between us, we talk about it like adults. neither of us throws a hissy fit, we don't need to bring my FI into it. We don't agree on everything but we're fine telling each other if we don't like something.
Posted by mrose12[/QUOTE]
My sentiments exactly. The difference between us is that my mom wants things very specifically how she has envisioned things, and says that my FMIL can plan with my FSIL's wedding when it comes.

I told my mom she has two daughters, and neither of us have the exact same tastes as she does, so neither does FH or FILs and that she shouldn't expect them to. If the wedding is going to be a good reflection of me and FH, then a lot of the input has to come from him and his side of the family as well - otherwise, it's just a reflection on her.

She also said that she is more important than FMIL because she is the MOB... I told her to stop being a crazy fool, because when it comes down to it, MOB and MOG are both moms of who is getting married.

My mom has been tons of drama. Luckily, I have my dad and my sister who help keep her in check and remind her (sometimes not so gently when she was scratching my friends off the guest list for people I've never met) that it is mine and FH's wedding, and not hers.

And my sister (MOH, but sister is more important) keeps telling me that I'm not crazy, it's my mom.

....Not sure if that helped at all. I did get a little vent of my own... either way, you aren't alone!

Oh, and I've vented with MOG about all my mom's crap. That's my favorite.

stjava · May 2010

Easiest way is to "task" both mom and FMIL with things to do. Within these tasks allow them to have their own creative freedoms to an extent.

eg: My mother is putting together the favors with the tags and she designed the tags. She is also making the flower girl dresses. FMIL is in charge or things that have to do with the ceremony.

there are a million little things that need to be done in the way of weddings... welcome bags, wedding favors, readings at the wedding, etc. You can easily split some of these things up and keep both happy!

TiffanyHalpain · May 2010

I am going through the samething! My mom and FMIL get along great but my mom gets uber offended when I even mention an idea that I got from my FMIL. I think to keep the peace I will just not say where the ideas came from. It is hard because they are both helping pay for the wedding. Atleast I know they both want the best for us!

Kyotto · May 2010

I am getting married July 31st, 2010, so in about two months. I was away at university about 2 hours away, but have been planning our wedding with our money, since January (venue, officiant, etc). My fiance is chinese, so in August, I asked them if there was anything they absolutely needed. They said a chinese tea ceremony.

I got back from school in May, and even though I am paying the whole wedding, I was alone with my sister-in-law, and she asked me how the wedding planning was going. I had planned a cocktail dinner, so she informed me that if we weren't having a sit down meal, that her family wasn't coming at all, as it was disrespectful to ask for expensive gifts, and not feed the guests. I indicated we weren't asking for expensive gifts... then she told me if I can't afford the wedding, I shouldn't get married.

We're comprimising, so her husband who is in the restauraunt industry will pre-cook all the food. I'm still not thrilled that they waited so long, but I figure I still have the feel of the wedding I want, and just to spite them a little, doing square tables and cocktail table mix, and a basic crappy full meal lol.

How do you guys respond to black mail from your in-laws of them not attending if you don't feed them or something else?

C.

acehasrisen1 · May 2010

thank you everyone for all of your help

nechi194 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:202ae7ba-a0fa-4f68-bc58-c5a45d807008Post:c683b91a-d968-41d7-abad-68869017bd22">Re: Parent issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married July 31st, 2010, so in about two months. I was away at university about 2 hours away, but have been planning our wedding with our money, since January (venue, officiant, etc). My fiance is chinese, so in August, I asked them if there was anything they absolutely needed. They said a chinese tea ceremony. I got back from school in May, and even though I am paying the whole wedding, I was alone with my sister-in-law, and she asked me how the wedding planning was going. I had planned a cocktail dinner, so she informed me that if we weren't having a sit down meal, that her family wasn't coming at all, as it was disrespectful to ask for expensive gifts, and not feed the guests. I indicated we weren't asking for expensive gifts... then she told me if I can't afford the wedding, I shouldn't get married. We're comprimising, so her husband who is in the restauraunt industry will pre-cook all the food. I'm still not thrilled that they waited so long, but I figure I still have the feel of the wedding I want, and just to spite them a little, doing square tables and cocktail table mix, and a basic crappy full meal lol. How do you guys respond to black mail from your in-laws of them not attending if you don't feed them or something else? C.
Posted by Kyotto[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow...that's cold. Well, if they pay for the food then that helps. But if you're gonna go this route, at least control the menu (or try). You want to enjoy the food.

</div>

nechi194 · May 2010

My Mother is trippin' over whether the FMIL's dress looks better than hers or is the wrong color. The FMIL seems to keep picking dresses that look like my mother's. This has been an ongoing issue for two months! I'm so sick of it. I think my mom might buy a 3rd dress (yes, a THIRD), and I don't care what anyone wears at this point. I just hope a catfight doesn't break out.

Allen+Smith · May 2010

I am going through some drama with my mother as well - but more because she has these ideas about how to handle weddings that she believes I absolutely MUST follow to a tee. When I say no to anything, she freaks out. Fortunately, my FI and I are the ones paying for the wedding, so she doesn't get the final say.

I've found a nice solution for the meddling problem she seems to have though... She really wanted us to a have a next-day brunch, so I told her if she wanted it, she could host it and plan every little detail. My only rule was that his family had to be welcome, and now she leaves me alone about the wedding since she is working on that

My FMIL has four sons, none of which has a "traditional" wedding, so she has been really excited about ours, but not nosy with the planning. I kind of wish she could be a little more involved, as we don't know each other very well and I think it'd be a nice way to bond. But living several states away makes it a bit hard :-/

erindale · May 2010

Ask your mom which elements of the wedding/reception are most important to her (and limit her to one or two things). Maybe the cake, or certain music, or the table arrangements--and then let her voice rule on those. You can do the same for the FMIL as well, if you want. That way you're not trying to compromise on everything, making each part be all that everyone wants. Also, your mom gets to see some parts exactly as she imagined, but you're not losing control of the whole thing. (Another option is to sign over the parts that aren't your top priorities. If you are flexible on floral arrangements, let someone else decide. They enjoy it and you don't have to stress about it!)

andibovi · May 2010

Look at the good in this situation. Both ladies care so much that they WANT to be involved. You can turn this around to really work for you so you don't get stressed out! Are they both helping pay for the wedding? If so, delegate jobs to them that they are technically paying for. If you are paying, you decide what jobs you want them to do. Splitting up the responsibilities really makes everyone feel involved. Also, there is no need to tell the moms everything! Just work on a need to know basis.

dee_love · May 2010

my mum and dad are helping pay for the majority of our wedding but they live 4000 miles away in the UK. My fiance;s folks live about 60 miles away and his mum is doing lots of crafty things (the guest book, the basket for the flower girl etc). My mum gets sad sometimes that fiance's mum is getting to do all this fun stuff, but I tell her that she and dad are helping out by paying for everything that can't be crafted and that's just as important. There's only so much they can do from so far away.
Both sets of parents have agreed that this is our wedding so whatever makes us happy is fine by them and just want to help out in whatever way they can.

We're having a hand binding ceremony and have asked bothe sets of parents (and the wedding party members) to provide a ribbon for that and I asked both sets of parents to find pics of us as kids for a slide show so too.

Ours is very friend ad family oriented with lots of friends talents being utilized

mle555 · May 2010

I have similar issues and am glad to hear others are in the same boat. I don't know that I have really solved the issue. My parents are paying for the reception, i.e. food, photgrapher, cake, and flowers. MOG is paying for the groom's side of the flowers, and I invited her her to meet with the florist. She was going to look for a cake stand after we went to the cake tasting. Then, she got really upset that she doesn't have more input, that I haven't kept her involved, etc. She mentioned the bridesmaid dresses, but I really didn't even have my mom involved in that one. I just picked them with a few of the bridesmaids. The groom is very involved, helping choose the venue, going to the florist, cake baker, dj meeting, photographer, etc. And the MOG lives out of town. How can I get the MOG more involved? We did the flowers, but what else?

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I would try to find a middle ground between both of them (as long as I was happy with it to...it is your wedding afterall. I'm lucky enough to not really have that problem because my mom doesn't really like planning stuff so she told to get as much help from his mom and sister as I want. I just bounce ideas off of them about the things that I want. Some of the things I'm not to concerned about (like food), so I just leave it to both families to do what they want as long as I approve it first.

tjhupp · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:202ae7ba-a0fa-4f68-bc58-c5a45d807008Post:48582162-c368-418e-ab0a-67bd3280340f">Re: Parent issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just don't tell my mom quite how much FMIL is involved.
Posted by jenn.daniel[/QUOTE]

That's the same rule I follow....sad but it works the best!

bonds2011 · May 2010

how about my FMIL telling me if i don't plan my wedding around her work schedule then she's just not going to show up?! After everything I've argued with the rest of the family for.... taking her side through hard times... and now she wants to control when my wedding is!

CL3542 · May 2010

I'm having similar issues. I've just been really honest with both moms and make sure that everyone knows how the other feels. My future mother in law has no daughters of her own, and I have known her for going on 9 years now. She already sees me as her daughter and wants to be able to be involved in the "mom" stuff, since she will not be able to do so with her own children. Additionally, she is a VERY self-assured woman and asserts her opinions loudly and confidently, making my mom feel like she's trying to make the decisions.

My fiance and I live about 10 minutes from his parents, and an hour and a half from mine, so my mom is feeling distant and disconnected with the planning, even though the wedding itself is near my parents. Both sides are helping to pay - plus "you're not paying for this anyway" does not seem like a nice way to calm the moms.

I think it's really important to actively communicate with the moms, and to give them individual roles that they alone can do with you. Perhaps find out from your mom which aspects are most important to her that way you can be sensitive to her "mother of the bride" needs. I went dress shopping with JUST my mom and my sister, but I plan to let his mom in on the fittings. That way only my mom was in on dress selection, but they can both see the dress before the wedding.

I hope things work out and calm down for you - I've been stressed about it too. I found that most of our issues came from different styles of communication and that once I talked to each about the concerns of the other, they were much more understanding and open.

Good Luck!!

DannetteSS · May 2010

This is a tough one. I don't know how folk s can advise based on their relationships, when everyone's situation is so unique to them. In my case, we have cultural and religious differences between our two families, and our actual community has a whole other set of values and norms. It is a bit like a political mine field, trying to plan an event that they can all enjoy and feel comfortable with. And, hones tly, I'm very opinionated and free-spirited, so I totally under-estimated how much other peoples' opinions and expectations w ould impact me emotionally. But, at the end of the day, it's not about "right or wrong", meaning, one person's opinion is right, and the other wrong. I think it's actually about the couple having a vision of how to represent their union and their desires. So, whether it's a certain color, or a locat ion, or a song, or whatever... you have to ask yourselves, which choice best reflects how we want to represent ourselves as a couple, and as a future family. Because, the wedding is a public expression of your union, and what matters to you as a couple. So, if mom suggests something that's not cons istent with your vision of yourselves, but MIL's idea happens to be a little closer, then that's all you have to say. And people have to respect that. Maybe. ;-) Good luck!

rae19 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:202ae7ba-a0fa-4f68-bc58-c5a45d807008Post:84085a7c-a9d5-436c-8ec5-a87c39d34df4">Re: Parent issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]Since, the topic is out there any ideas on how to handle a future step-MIL that is making everything difficult?? My mom and my FI Mom are great helps to me and they get along well, but his step-mother has been a thorn the ENTIRE time!! She won't help with her and his Dad's side of the guest list, so FI and I and his Mom, had to come up with his Dad's family for the guest list (MIL and FIL have been divrced for 30 years, and he has been married to step-MIL for 28) she makes mean little jabs to us, like calling the wedding nonsense, won't return phone calls/emails, and generally ignores everything from us, but then talks bad about how we never talk to them or include them in anything to his Dad. I am trying hard to include her, so that his Dad will feel included, but she is balking every step of the way. Now, my Mom is getting really pissed at her, because she is being nasty to me and really stressing me out, and I am not wanting WWIII at the reception!! FI is about ready to kill her and I am not wanting him to damage the relationship with his Dad b/c she is crazy!! HELP!!! Sorry to piggy back on acehasrisen1 's post but your, post really hit a chord with me too!!
Posted by farrar_johnson[/QUOTE]

I dunno why you're trying so hard to involve her when she's trying so hard NOT to be involved. Sounds like she just wants attention. I'd send her a note like, "I'd like you to be involved, but I need your guest list,y,z from you first. We are on a schedule and are planning on x number of guests, so if I don't have your list by this date, I won't be able to include everyone." How do you tame a toddler? Give her simple, finite limits. You can include FI's dad separately - picking out tuxes, helping to pick out food options or music. The stuff guys care about. If all she continues to do is throw a hissy fit, how is she contributing anyway, besides to your stress level? My mom and I have been back and forth having the same fits of hysteria about ridiculous random details, and I've been finding it best to set limits, give her total control over some things, i.e. flowers, and to back off (while continuing to plan our own thing) until she's cooled off. If you aren't firm, drawing lines and set the tone for how the rest of the relationship is going to be (can you imagine her "help" when FI and you are ready to have a baby??), then you're going to be miserable and repeating history constantly with this woman.

stephflatt · May 2010

I was in a similar position except that my drama is coming from my stepmother and my dad. They were getting very bent out of shape because my mom was being so involved. My dad is paying for the majority of the wedding and my mom is paying a small portion.

My suggestion to you is to talk to them both directly. I finally had to have a heart to heart with my dad over canceling the wedding and going to the beach (to avoid their attitudes) or moving forward with the plan. In my case, our first conv. went awful with him getting upset and yelling, but after thinking about it he opened the subject of their attitudes back up again. We talked and came to a resolution.

It turns out my problems are my step mom and she pushes them on my dad. If you talk to them both directly and calmly about how you're trying to include everyone because it's important to you and they choose to be upset and cause problems, you may just have to involve that person less.

I hope it doesn't come to that for you, but in my case I had to come to turns with my stepmom's strange new attitude. I kept telling myself over and over that she is an adult and I can't control her actions. All I can do is my best to involve them. If they choose to make it difficult then that's their choice and not mine. Though disappointing that my stepmom is acting this way now, I'm choosing to rely on my friends more because of they encouragement and excitment.

Just remember, maybe there areother issues at play that they're dealing with and being upset with you is just they're way of venting. Either way, it's not your responsibility to babysit them.

DannetteSS · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_parent-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:202ae7ba-a0fa-4f68-bc58-c5a45d807008Post:6df5385e-e469-4db5-af20-54d4f3913cd5">Re: Parent issues?</a>:
[QUOTE]This thread is giving me a headache. I thought it would be entertaining but I'm getting frustrating reading it. Get a set of balls ladies! If there's drama it's because you let it happen. I'm sorry, but if a family member, whether it be mine or my fiancé's, tells me they won't come to my wedding because of whatever reason then I would say ''well don't come then, that's your choice'' and I would think ''good riddance'' because who the heck wants that on their special day anyway. No one in MY family has even dared to say anything to me about my wedding, they just offered to help if I needed it. On his side his sister could be a little possessive and controlling and I just flat out told her (politely of course) to mind her own business and that IF I need help I'D go to her but other than that, back off. She was a little stunned at first but guess what she got over it and will never try that drama queen stuff with me again. Problem solved. Now, if the parents are paying for the wedding then you're on your own man, you just dug yourself a deep hole...
Posted by Westbury2010[/QUOTE]

I don't know, Westbury2010, just because that approach works for you with your respective families, doesn't mean it works for others. Sometimes the considerations that a bride and groom must work through are sensitive and complex, as are the relationships that bring those issues. For me, I don't have trouble saying no to anybody. It's not an issue of having balls, or not. I absolutely had to say, for instance, that if my conservative Christian family members were going to have a problem with a gay woman officiating our ceremony, then they should probably not come. Because it's important to us to have this person do the ceremony. There's no way in heck I would NOT choose that person to appease my relatives' homphobia. But, at the same time, it's still emotional and challenging to talk through that with the family. To face the prospect of people not coming, or coming and walking out (when they're from Ohio and I live in North Carolina), or doing or saying something disrespectful in front of our friend(s). That stuff is real. And it's not just a matter of telling my family, if you don't like it, don't come. Stuff is simply more complicated than that. I make the decisions that seem right to me, but, it's hard to deny that these conversations, these competing values and expectations, aren't challenging. If that kind of complexity doesn't exist for you in your relationships, I don't know if that's something to brag about, let alone judge others for. Just my opinion.

LadyBug455 · May 2010

I think, before you take any money from a parent for the wedding, they should understand that it is "YOUR" wedding, and you are gonna plan it however you want within the budget. I don't understand why parents feel like they should have all kinds of decision making authority. Don't offer to pay if you're not gonna be OK with whatever the bride & groom decides.

I have a mother-in-law who is butting in WAY too much, and she's not even paying for anything. I loved that quote:

"The mother of the groom should shut up, show up, and wear beige!"

God, IF only!

Parent issues?

Re: Parent issues?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards