Bridesmaid plus 1

mlg78 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:96377d8a-7d32-4552-983f-e4773ae7acc6">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid plus 1 : I consider long term anything over a year. Maybe a few months less. Then again, if someone were to move in with someone else within a few months, then obviously I'd know they are taking things seriously and moving forward with their relationship. In her situation, I'd say that long term would be something over a year.
Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]

Really? Anything over a year is "long term"? A year ago I didn't even know my fiacne but we will be married just 13 months after meeting. Thanks for deeming MY relationship as not worthy. You're a real peach!

daveANDkristen · February 2013

I understand that you have moral objections to her being in a relationship with a married man. I just fail to see how your morals should be any of her concern.

I have a question - if you were having a dinner party with some of your close friends, would you tell her that she can't bring her boyfriend of 9 months?

monkeysip · February 2013

See, now I KNOW that a lot of regs here have said before that you don't need to invite someone's SO if they are married to someone else. I would find that kind of skeezy too, but it would depend upon the situation. I know there are situations where a couple is separated, but the divorce is just taking a long time. But if I knew for a fact that the couple was not separated, and my friend was just the "mistress", I might have to second guess inviting them.

kaos16 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:96377d8a-7d32-4552-983f-e4773ae7acc6">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid plus 1 : I consider long term anything over a year. Maybe a few months less. Then again, if someone were to move in with someone else within a few months, then obviously I'd know they are taking things seriously and moving forward with their relationship. In her situation, I'd say that long term would be something over a year.
Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]

The problem I see with this response is that even you can't decide on what long term is as a hard and fast rule. . . . therefore, how can you expect to make cuts at long term significant others?

As to the new information about her SO being married, I agree that nobody should be judging other peoples' relationship under most circumstances. Plenty of people get into relationships while still married to other people. Look at Kim Kadashian for instance. (an extreme example, but you get my point)

Situations where I could see declining to invite a SO include where that SO has threatened your life for example. It does not seem that situation is the one presented here.

To answer your question, in a round about way. Proper etiquette dictates inviting the SO of each of your guests by name.

nicoleandersonmd · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:6b893650-6ce2-43eb-a4fe-3080db32b972">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid plus 1 : I judge their relationship...because he's still MARRIED. Which to me, makes is entirley iwrong for me to invite someone who's dating a married man. Even if I asked her what the situation is with his wife, ex, whatever he calls her, I can't trust that, that story be true. Moral values come into play. There have been plenty of guys or girls that friends of ours have dated and we weren't neccesarily fans of. It happens, we're human, I've never been one to judge who you're dating. This however, is a situation that I really feel is wrong. Again, I may have to put all that aside, bite the bullet and still let her bring him, especially if as time goes on they obviously continue to see eachother. I'm prepared to handle that, but at this current time, I'd want to say No to her more than I would Yes. I can't help but feel that way. As crummy as that may sound.
Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]

Years ago I was invited to a friends wedding. She stated I could not bring my bf of 1 year because we were only Dating. She had met and hung out with him numerous times. The wedding was a 5 hr drive from me and on a Sunday evening. There were a few other people there who I did know who had their SOs invited even though they were also only dating. The other people I knew were also in the wedding party with a big head table. As I was uncomfortable driving so far and missing work while all alone- I did not attend. 5 years later and it still irks me when I think about it.

Conversely, I very very strongly dislike my best friend and MOHs boyfriend. Very. Hes possessive, controlling, manipulative, unreliable, cheating, verbally abusive and just all around awful. However, she still loves him and Shes a grown ass woman who makes her own decisions. He's invited to the wedding because is and she loves him. Of note, he is also married and actively going through the divorce process.

allychase · February 2013

You really can't just spend 55 dollars to make your friend happy? I'm spending 95 a plate and even still you can bet everyone with a SO has both names written on the invitation. It stops being all about you when you invite and host guests.

Also, my SIL and her H got engaged after dating for 3 months. They're now happily married and expecting a baby boy. But I guess their relationship isn't serious?

My mom and stepdad got engaged and were *gasp* pregnant within 4 months. That was 9 years ago and they're still together and have 4 kids. But I guess they're not serious either because they didn't meet teachmeg's quote for length of time together before being deemed serious.

Your line of thinking is wrong, get over yourself. Who are you to pass judgement?

You're gonna piss off a lot of people with your high and mighty attitude about judging the seriousness of other peoples relationships. I understand you could give a rats a@@ about what some strangers on the internet say but think of how this line of thinking comes off to your friends.

BubbsNBubbs · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:b60090f0-d455-42a3-8d59-5510865b7998">Re:Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]This friend of yours is buying a dress and possibly shoes and accessories, probably attending showers, parties, and the rehearsal in addition to attending your wedding and reception. Show her gratitude and respect by letting her bring a date.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

DITTO esp "Show her gratitude and respect by letting her bring a date."

Take off your judgey pants and realize that your friend is putting in a great deal of time and effort to be in your wedding, the LEAST you could do for your wedding party is allow them a date.

kmbryant2413 · February 2013

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and I'm still 'married' because my divorce is long and drawn out thanks to my shitty ex purposefully holding onto paperwork to spite me. Do you think that I enjoy telling people I'm still married? Or still waiting to be divorced? No. Don't judge her boyfriend because he's still married. If you can't trust that story that your BM tells you, then why is she even your BM?

Either drop her as a BM and uninvite her, or let her bring the damn guy. It's one day. With over 200 people there, I doubt you even SEE him that day.

edit: I can't spells.

winelover123 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:4574304e-8865-43eb-873d-10625506f7fb">Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE] A bridesmaid in my wedding has been "seeing" someone. I use the term loosely because the dating situation that they are in, is far beyond what I would consider a committed relationship, but to each their own. I am about to start addressing and assembling my invitations to get mailed out by the end of May. No one that we are inviting is receiving a plus one unless they; are living with their significant other, a long term relationship, engaged, and/or married. I know that she will take offense when I have to tell her that her boyfriend is not invited. I have only met him once. None of our other mutual friends have met him more than once, some have yet to meet him, yet I am dreading this conversation with her, because I know that she will not even try to see my side of the reasoning. I think that she expects me to invite him, because she's a bridesmaid in the wedding, and because she says they've been together since December. How do I put things to her lightly to her and am I wrong for not giving a bridal party member a plus one? I will throw out there that none of my other bridesmaids or his groomsmen are bringing a date, unless they fall under one of the above mentioned categories and they are all aware of/okay with that decision.
Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]

Do they call each other bf/gf or significant other? If they consider each other their significant other (which it sounds like they do) you really need to suck it up and invite him. FI and I dated for 3 months before we decided to be in a committed relationship. Once I called him my boyfriend, we were serious. Invite him and anyone else who is in a committed relationship.

ETA: I just saw the new information on the married part. If they're in the process of getting a divorce, I would invite him with your friend. If she's playing the role of his mistress - aka the wife doesn't know, they're not planning on getting a divorce or are not in an open relationship or something like that, I can see not inviting him. But you need to take your friend and her boyfriend at their word - if they say the boyfriend is getting a divorce, invite him. If you don't believe him/her, then it's really the wife and husband/boyfriend's problem and he can decline or accept.

aurianna · February 2013

I had a friend who was engaged in four months. I had another friend that were dating for four months before they even decided they were exclusive.
Everyone relationship is different. This is why you can't pick an arbitrary cut-off. You let the couple tell you whether they are SOs or not.

Now... I'm in a bit of a disagreement with the rest on the married issue.
I just don't think I could invite a man, by name, and put him on the same invite as my friend, if he was already married to someone else. (I mean, technically isn't his social unit still his wife?) EDIT: Ok, no
... But I'd probably still give my BM a nameless +1 knowing full well she'd bring him.
That's not etiquette talking though. That's just me.

NYCMercedes · February 2013

It's February. Your invitations don't even leave your house for another three months. Just wait.

daveANDkristen · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:78fddc78-cbbe-4ea4-b83a-376fb01cc9ca">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a friend who was engaged in four months. I had another friend that were dating for four months before they even decided they were exclusive. Everyone relationship is different. This is why you can't pick an arbitrary cut-off. You let the couple tell you whether they are SOs or not. Now... I'm in a bit of a disagreement with the rest on the married issue. I just don't think I could invite a man, by name, and put him on the same invite as my friend, if he was already married to someone else. (I mean, technically isn't his social unit still his wife?) ... But I'd probably still give my BM a nameless +1 knowing full well she'd bring him. That's not etiquette talking though. That's just me.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

Eh. A social unit is not one person, it's a couple. If he and his wife are no longer a couple, severing the social unit is an extension of that. .

TKzilla · February 2013

Let me just put this out there:

I'd be hella pissed off if I found out my "friend" was all over the internet talking crap about the man I'm with when she doesn't seem to know all the details. So what he's still married? That's between your friend, the man and his wife. My brother dated a "married" woman - yeah, she was still married because they were going through a lengthy divorce. It didn't lessen their relationship with each other at all.

So think about this: if you are so willing to talk about your friend this way to a bunch of strangers on the internet, are you sure you are HER friend?

PrettyGirlLost · February 2013

In Response to Re:Bridesmaid plus 1:[QUOTE]See, now I KNOW that a lot of regs here have said before that you don't need to invite someone's SO if they are married to someone else.nbsp; I would find that kind of skeezy too, but it would depend upon the situation.nbsp; I know there are situations where a couple is separated, but the divorce is just taking a long time.nbsp; But if I knew for a fact that the couple was not separated, and my friend was just the quot;mistressquot;, I might have to second guess inviting them. Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

Send the wedding invitation to his address and that will clean up this whole mess! /sarc

In all seriousness I'm sorry you are having this dilemma. You are getting good ettiquette info, in the end you have to decide between the correct ettiquette or your moral preference. By the time your wedding occurs this situation may sort itself out.

rodigsorange · February 2013

I actually had an issue sort of like this. I have three BM but only 1 of them has a stable LT SO, and that would be her fiancé. He and I are also great friends so I didn't hesitate to add him to the invite list. I didn't include +1s on the list because my MOH has been single so long, it just didn't occur to me (Sorry, Linka), and my other BM has such abysmal choices in dating that she wouldn't be able to look back at the photos without cringing, per prom, college break vacations, and a few major parties that ride the trend. She, surprisingly, has been on board with that. I told my MOH though, that she can have whoever she wants there as her +1. She was mollified, somewhat.

s-aries8990 · February 2013

Your bridesmaids are your nearest and dearest. You will be putting your relationship on the rocks by the amount of judgement your spewing. Let her bring this guy and be the bigger person, not the beeyatch who she spent hundreds of dollars on who turned out to not be her friend at all.

teachmegs1 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:c4b14a40-90cb-4f24-ab27-aeaf22118445">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me just put this out there: I'd be hella pissed off if I found out my "friend" was all over the internet talking crap about the man I'm with when she doesn't seem to know all the details. So what he's still married? That's between your friend, the man and his wife. My brother dated a "married" woman - yeah, she was still married because they were going through a lengthy divorce. It didn't lessen their relationship with each other at all. So think about this: if you are so willing to talk about your friend this way to a bunch of strangers on the internet, are you sure you are HER friend?
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

You're assuming that my friend doesn't know how I already feel about her dating this guy. She knows, and it's been a reaccuring issue with her and every guy she's dated since I've known her. I'm one of few who are always there to pick her up when sh*t hits the fan with most of the guys she been with, and no, it's not so I can sit there and tell her, "I told you so." We're good friends because her and I can work through any situation no matter how severe or what the topic may be about. So to answer your question, Yes, we are friends.

The only reason I even disclosed a few bits and pieces of the details is because I was recieving such backlash from many on here of how rude, inconsiderate, spending over my budget so I can skim people off my list, etc. All in all, the situation may change...I realize it's only February. I know that she's been anxious about this whole idea because the same issue arose at our friends wedding last year. Knowing that the conversation is going to come up within the next month or two, is why I was asking now.

s-aries8990 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:3af2e150-4470-45f2-9ef2-0fa0bad9e307">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid plus 1 : You're assuming that my friend doesn't know how I already feel about her dating this guy. She knows, and it's been a reaccuring (re-occurring because things "occur" not "accur" ) issue with her and every guy she's dated since I've known her. I'm one of few who are always there to pick her up when sh*t hits the fan with most of the guys she been with, and no, it's not so I can sit there and tell her, "I told you so." We're good friends because her and I can work through any situation no matter how severe or what the topic may be about. So to answer your question, Yes, we are friends. The only reason I even disclosed a few bits and pieces of the details is because I was recieving such backlash from many on here of how rude, inconsiderate, spending over my budget so I can skim people off my list, etc. All in all, the situation may change...I realize it's only February. I know that she's been anxious about this whole idea because the same issue arose at our friends wedding last year. Knowing that the conversation is going to come up within the next month or two, is why I was asking now.
Posted by teachmegs1[/QUOTE]'

So you've always judged her relationships? Maybe you should focus more on the root of why she dates dingbats than the dingbats themselves. If she's always dated losers, then I think you need to have some 1 on 1 girl time.

Well, plan on inviting him and if they're still together, you should invite him when they go out.

rach1200 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1db4c195-c461-4cee-84e7-c1ae7fb028a8Post:151cb4fa-de34-49f8-a1af-87dd561235dd">Re: Bridesmaid plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]I can see if budget dictates it, not extending plus-ones to all your guests. But not to extend them to the bridal party when there are dating situations (whether you approve of them or not), is not exactly the nicest thing to do. Granted, I work more off common sense than etiquette. Granted, I'm in the pro plus-one lobby simply because if I turned the situation around, I'd like to be able to invite a date to a wedding. Weddings are much more fun when you have someone familiar to dance with. We took plus-ones to the extreme and allowed all our over 18s to have a plus-one, which meant cutting acquiantances (not close friends and family) from the guest list, because to us it was more important for everyone who was there to have fun and enjoy themselves then to invite every person we knew. Our forever-single best man could have brought a girl he picked up at the bar the night before and we wouldn't have said a thing.
Posted by kimberlyr22[/QUOTE]

Agreed. My fiance and I (who are paying for everything ourselves except the rehearsal dinner) didn't even consider not giving everyone on the invite list a guest. It's not a privilege to come to our wedding. I want all my guests to be as happy and comfortable as possible. And that usually includes having someone else they are comfortable with to enjoy themselves. I don't care if that is a live in relationship, husband, best friend, sister ect.

To the OP- I couldn't imagine asking a friend you deem close enough to be a bridesmaid to take time out of her life, spend money, and support you on your wedding day AND then saying you value her friendship enough to let her support you but you won't give her the added kindness of letting her bring her SO (and he is her SO regardless of how you may attempt to down play it). I'm not trying to be cruel, but please reread your earlier comment where you said she probably wouldn't even try to see your side of things. Have you tried to see her viewpoint? Honestly, being in weddings aren't always fun. It's not a privilege for her to be in your wedding. It's a privilege for you to have friends who loves you enough to be there for you. So please treat her with the same kindness and giving attitude that she is showing to you.

Best of luck

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