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NER- Just A Vent!

PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
I have been attending a Baptist church for quite some time now, but have not joined. My parents are not members either - at one time when the church first started, my maternal grandpa was an associate pastor of this church.  While my mother belongs to the sister church (in a neighboring city but farther away), my niece an nephew are members.

Last week I took the pastor aside to ask what the church would charge for me to be married there.  (FYI - my sister was married in the sister church for $50 because my mom was a member, but don't know what they charged when she married here the second time).  I was told he thought that the church had decided on $325 for non members and $50 for members.  I asked about a minister's fee (something I wouldn't mind paying for) and he said that he didn't charge for that.  Then he said something to the effect of "normally I don't marry non-members but I would marry you."

I smiled and said nothing but I was dumbstruck.  If I am not a member, when why would the church charge $325 for the usage of the church? Also, isn't performing a marriage ceremony part of his duties?

I want to join a church because I want to join it - not just have the privilage to be married in it. It's not like it's some big name church either.

Eloping sounds better every day...
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Re: NER- Just A Vent!

  • mlg78mlg78 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    All churches have different member vs non member rates.  At the church I'm using it's about a $400 difference ($900 for me, $500 for members).  Yes, performing marriages is a part of his job but they're not required to marry anyone they don't choose to.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I don't see the problem. He gave you the non member and member price and he said he would marry you at no charge. Isn't that what you wanted?
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:eecd94cd-57c3-4b8d-9c81-61b1e02f64ea">Re:NER Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't see the problem. He gave you the non member and member price and he said he would marry you at no charge. Isn't that what you wanted?
    Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think he said she would be paying the non-member price of $325 but he doesn't require a personal fee. And she is offended (I think?) that he said he is willing to officiate in spite of the fact that she is not a member of the church.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, what's your deal here? Did you think you should count as a member just because you've attended services there? Because that's not how church membership works.</div>
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  • unchatenfranceunchatenfrance
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    Almost all churches charge fees. I don't understand why you are upset that they would want to charge you, a non-member, when even members have to pay a fee. That's like saying, "I don't understand why the gym insists on charging me a membership. Isn't providing gym facilities what they do?" Churches need to make money somehow too. It's just the way it is.
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  • Summer2011BrideSummer2011Bride member
    5000 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    What the others have said. Every church I have heard of charge different fees for members and non-members. $325 is actually pretty inexpensive for a non-member fee. A friend had to pay over $800 for that at a church around here.

    Plus the minister said he would marry you, even though he normally doesn't do that. That does not seem like a thing to vent about. Why are you upset?


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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2013
    I don't get why you would attend a church for quite sometime and not become a member?   Seems like you want the benefits of being a member without actually being a member.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • misssunshine17misssunshine17 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:76b9cb42-c367-4dd5-8508-cb3294387943">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I don't get why you would attend a church for quite sometime while and not become a member?   Seems like you want the benefis of being a member without actually being a member.</strong>
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    This.
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    I don't understand why you wouldn't become a memeber anyway if that's your intent and it means enough to you to get married there.

    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    First of all, I had no quarms about the non member price.  None, Nada.

    If a church has a non member price, then the pastor of the church should be obligated to marry a couple. I am not a member, therefore if I pay the $325 to use the church then he should preform the ceremony.

    Also, he did not state that I could bring in another pastor to marry us.

    I was not trying to get a discount out of him.
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:91c26c0b-173a-4cff-b9a2-461bfcb80c5b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all, I had no quarms about the non member price.  None, Nada. If a church has a non member price, then the pastor of the church should be obligated to marry a couple. I am not a member, therefore if I pay the $325 to use the church then he should preform the ceremony. Also, he did not state that I could bring in another pastor to marry us.
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

    Ok but he said he would marry you. What is the vent?
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Man, I would totally pay that 325 for a church. I have a minister but since I want to get married around where my FILs live, I have been finding churches for 2,000 and have to use the pastor from their church.
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:91c26c0b-173a-4cff-b9a2-461bfcb80c5b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all, I had no quarms about the non member price.  None, Nada. If a church has a non member price, then the pastor of the church should be obligated to marry a couple. I am not a member, therefore if I pay the $325 to use the church then he should preform the ceremony. Also, he did not state that I could bring in another pastor to marry us.
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]



    I'm sorry. I still don't understand the problem. He said he would marry you. I used to work for a church that had A LOT of weddings. The fee was I think $1600 for non members. That was just to have the air running and the lights on. We actually lost money charging that much because the electic bill was so high. He is not obligated to marry you just because you pay the fee. The fee is for building use ONLY.
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  • libby2483libby2483 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:91c26c0b-173a-4cff-b9a2-461bfcb80c5b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all, I had no quarms about the non member price.  None, Nada. If a church has a non member price, then the pastor of the church should be obligated to marry a couple.<strong> I am not a member, therefore if I pay the $325 to use the church then he should preform the ceremony.</strong> Also, he did not state that I could bring in another pastor to marry us.
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think what you are saying is that it is contradictory that the church has a non-member fee, but then normally doesn't even marry non-members.  However, I think that the fee is probably in place for situations like yours, when the pastor decides he would be fine with someone who is not a member getting married in the church for whatever reason.  </div><div>
    </div><div>As to the bolded, it's not like he is going to take your money and then refuse to marry you.  That wouldn't make any sense, so I don't really see the issue.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think you should count yourself lucky here.  The non-member fee is actually very reasonable.  Some churches that we looked at refuse to even marry non-members (as is their right), and others charged nearly $2000 to marry non-members.</div>
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:e41b05f5-4d6a-4171-8630-a708696ad2c7">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER- Just A Vent! : Ok but he said he would marry you. What is the vent?
    Posted by BritniLeigh[/QUOTE]

    Why would you charge a non-member price to someone if "I don't normally marry non-members but I'll marry you"?  Apparently this has been in place for some time (at least the money portion - he's only been there a few years).

    Why should I become a member just to get married in that church?  I have been debating for some time about moving my membership but there are some things I am not comfortablle with.

    Why not just have one price, member or not?
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User]
    500 Comments
    I'm really confused by this. Non-member fees being higher is normal and definitely makes sense. Usually, members of church tithe each week - so their fees are lower because they've already been financially supporting the church for a long time. Also, the priest may not normally work with non-members because it takes a lot of time to marry someone. It's not just a single day job - many spend time counselling the couple, helping set up the ceremony and making sure the couple is ready for marriage. With all that, he probably wants to reserve his time for members, who he knows and who rely on him for this kind of guidance and support.

    The fact that he wanted to marry you regardless of his general rules probably shows he does want you to join the church and he thinks you'd be a good addition to his parish community. I'm just not sure how that's offensive.
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  • misshart00misshart00 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:c86c87ef-6411-4990-a5e2-84311821f116">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER- Just A Vent! : Why not just have one price, member or not?
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]



    Because its a perk of being a member. Of anything. If you're a member of a country club, you get to get married there. It's the same with a church.

    Also, with a lot of Christian churches, members are paying tithe, so they are already giving money to the church, thus the fee is lower.
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:3dce8aef-67a4-4850-ae9e-8c607ee7c04b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER- Just A Vent! : I think what you are saying is that it is contradictory that the church has a non-member fee, but then normally doesn't even marry non-members. .
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    THIS!! This is exactly what I have been trying to say!  Why even have a fee - they could just say that the church does not marry non-members.  That would be plain, simple and to the point.
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:3dce8aef-67a4-4850-ae9e-8c607ee7c04b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER- Just A Vent! : I think what you are saying is that it is contradictory that the church has a non-member fee, but then normally doesn't even marry non-members. .
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    THIS!! This is exactly what I have been trying to say!  Why even have a fee - they could just say that the church does not marry non-members.  That would be plain, simple and to the point.
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:3dce8aef-67a4-4850-ae9e-8c607ee7c04b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER- Just A Vent! : I think what you are saying is that it is contradictory that the church has a non-member fee, but then normally doesn't even marry non-members. .
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

    THIS!! This is exactly what I have been trying to say!  Why even have a fee - they could just say that the church does not marry non-members.  That would be plain, simple and to the point.
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  • PhoneCardLadyPhoneCardLady member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:76b9cb42-c367-4dd5-8508-cb3294387943">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't get why you would attend a church for quite sometime and not become a member?   Seems like you want the benefits of being a member without actually being a member.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    I came to the church at a time when they were having some issues with keeping a pastor.  I want to give him a chance and be sure that this is the church I'd want to move my membership to.
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  • Weezy56Weezy56 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:c86c87ef-6411-4990-a5e2-84311821f116">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: NER- Just A Vent! : Why would you charge a non-member price to someone if "I don't normally marry non-members but I'll marry you"?  Apparently this has been in place for some time (at least the money portion - he's only been there a few years). <strong>Why should I become a member just to get married in that church?</strong>  I have been debating for some time about moving my membership but there are some things I am not comfortablle with. Why not just have one price, member or not?
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

    Members are more than likely going to have more invested in the church, especially financially. To the bolded- I'm not understanding why you are asking that question- you are not a member, and he will still marry you. What's the problem?

    This is how they do things, and if you don't like it, then by all means find another church. But expect to see these same types of policies at other churches also. The pastor has not done anything wrong.
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  • StephJean83StephJean83 member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2013
    In Response to Re:NER Just A Vent!:In Response to Re: NER Just A Vent!:In Response to Re:THIS!! This is exactly what I have been trying to say!nbsp; Why even have a fee they could just say that the church does not marry nonmembers.nbsp; That would be plain, simple and to the point. Posted by PhoneCardLady The nonmember fee is for the rental of the building meaning that you can bring in your own minister. When my sister got married, they rented a church and her DH's uncle married them. If I could pay 325 for a church and bring in my own minister, I would be set!
    You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. - Barbara DeAngelis
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  • Andama08Andama08 member
    100 Comments
    In Response to NER- Just A Vent!:
     I want to join a church because I want to join it - not just have the privilage to be married in it. It's not like it's some big name church either. Eloping sounds better every day...
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

    I'm confused on what this has to do with anything? What's a big name church? Also, Being a member of a church allows you certain privileges over non-members. Even aside from church when you join any type of organization as a member you benefit over non-members. If that bothers you I'd consider getting married at a non-religious venue.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:91c26c0b-173a-4cff-b9a2-461bfcb80c5b">Re: NER- Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]First of all, I had no quarms about the non member price.  None, Nada. If a church has a non member price, then the pastor of the church should be obligated to marry a couple. I am not a member, therefore <strong>if I pay the $325 to use the church then he should preform the ceremony</strong>. Also, he did not state that I could bring in another pastor to marry us. I was not trying to get a discount out of him.
    Posted by PhoneCardLady[/QUOTE]

    I dont' understand you why you don't get the $325 is just to rent the church.  That's it. You just get the building.  Officiants and such are normally a separate transaction.

    Pretty standard actually.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    OP, you're ridiculous and not making logical sense.



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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    Well put! StageManager14
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  • Amyzen83Amyzen83 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    OP, Quchurbichen!
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  • TKzillaTKzilla member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ner-just-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb9cd894-b98d-412d-b394-6d61b48e1c29Post:0ef78824-6bd8-463b-ac3f-831363a5a0b0">Re:NER Just A Vent!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:NER Just A Vent!:<strong> 9 pastors, 2 priests, and a rabbi in my family</strong>. All of their churches/temple charge an honorarium for the officiant. As did the church we were married in. They also charge for accompanist should you choose to use them.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>This sounds like the opening of an excellent joke ;) Have they ever all walked into a bar at once? (Is this the 15687th time you've heard this about your family?)</div>
    image
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  • MuppetOverlordMuppetOverlord member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    LOL it does sound like the opening to a joke.

    I think the question stands, What would make you happy in this case?

    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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  • PookiesonPookieson member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its First Answer
    That is super reasonable for a non-member fee.  Also, he said he would marry you.  I'm just confused what the vent is.  Most churches have non-member fees for the option to decide to marry someone who attends church but perhaps is not a member.  They do not HAVE to marry anyone.

    image

    June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!

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